It scared you


I know it did

my darling,
tonight we are not broken

tonight,
we are stars

and even though,
we have died,
hundreds of years ago

no one on earth needs to know

tonight,
we burn bright

forget about about the past,
forget about our fight,
because tonight,
*we burn bright.

I take problems,

like they're drugs,
get me a fix before I get fixed,
I'll always pay for them.

I'm disposable
Its simple to you
I don't mean as much to you
As you do to me
And that's the age old problem.

I over analyze things
Thinking I'm crazy
And everybody tells me I am.

But somehow
with you
I'm always right.

And it isn't right,
The way you push me out
And it isn't okay.

Kissing you,
Was a mistake.

And I'm over it
Complaining about things I can't change
Yes
My social anxiety is annoying
You don't have to tell me.

You have to pretend to be bad,
To make up for your lack of personality.

And you still try to talk to me,
(Eventually)

Normally.

OH GOOD GOD
trays of empty cigarettes lay displayed,
I find happiness in the strangest of places,
I'M NO GOOD AT INTRODUCTIONS,

So I'll make this sweet,
Sweet,
And well,
Brief.

DON'T GET ME WRONG!
I love to speak,
Shaky hands,
What was that equation?
WAIT!
That's not geometry!

HOLY SWEET WINE!
I'm running out if time!
****..
does this have to rhythm?!
****!

I can feel water between my toes,
Filling up my ears.
I'm in bed?
Is that normal?

I have this theory,
That normal doesn't exist..

CUZ WE'RE ALL CRAZY...




right...?

Did you know?
That it's raining down the halls?
I started a fire,
And set off all the alarms.

So moisture sinks into the carpet and it remains there,
long after we've cleaned up.

So whatever hadn't burnt,
Has begun to rot.

We both have twin holes in our walls
From when we were feeling a little too broken and we wanted something else to crumble and get ripped open from all of the wrong

We get angry
Our mothers agree
Its not healthy
But you're just like me
And I haven't met many people with that similarity
And you miss me
When I'm gone
And you like to write songs
But I don't know how to sing
Poetry is just another outlet
But maybe it's not a good thing
And your body on mine
It was far more then fine
And I made you ask before every touch
You love my hair
I fell for your everywhere
But neither of us are any good at love

So I said no
To the dates and the roses
And everything that comes with teenage commitment
I don't want any of it
But I don't want you kissing

Anyone other than me

I know
I know

I'm so selfish
Yeah its true
Plenty of people that know me
Could
Tell
You

I understand you
Is what I told myself over and over
But never truly could see
I love you
Is what I told myself over and over
But never truly could feel
Never knew what it felt like
I just assumed the mind games and the conjoined pain
Was something like it

If it hurts its passion
We've all played that game
But we know the ending
Yes, the ending
Stays the same
No matter how many times
I replay it in my brain
I realized it wasn't ok

Boredom blankets thoughts
like snow muffled fields
Not growing anything this time of year.
The cold shakes us
To remind us it’s here
Sharp ice sneaks down
The once warm river
Dangerous
You can't blame nature
For fighting back
For hating us
And everything
Is quiet
And everyone is sleeping
With their eyes wide open
So this is winter
So this is life
Frostbite
As sharp as a knife
Skin cracks
And lips bleed
Warmth

A humane need.

If,
They,
Kissed me,
Right here,
On my face,
My,
Objections,
Wouldn't,
Exist.

All that stupid poetry
Makes sense to me
Tell me everything
Lose your shirt
Like your dignity
Get an answer out of me
**** me with poetry
Inside
Like that pain
Behind your eyes
Tell me why
I don't
Or did
Or do
Mean anything to you
***** me
Over
**** me
Over

Push me
Closer
Tell me why you couldn't love me

But you could **** me

Over,

And over
Again.

Criticize
Fantasize
Tell me
Why

**** around
Don't make a sound
Choke an answer out of me
Lose your mind like your
Virginity

I can tell
You didn't give it to me

**** me with your stupid
Melancholy poetry

Tell me why you didn't love me

Tell me
Why
You do now
You can't have me.

There is determination
Longing
And finalization
Between your lips
Skin tastes so much sweeter when its forbidden
the last thing I want to do is embarrass you
But I have longed for this for a while too.

I look a little bit like a drug addict
(Old hoodie, bags under my eyes)
In a days mascara,
And last night messy bun.
My hands are shaking,
But not from drugs.

All black is normal,
Less then semi formal,
I guess you could say my out matches my in today.

I do not pursue you
But you linger still
I do not hold onto you
But sometimes we still wake up in each other’s arms
An accident that was not assessed properly
Honestly
I don’t know how this will affect us
Together, or apart
I just know I have felt alone
And unloved for a while
And I know you’ve felt the same
So with warmth I welcome you
I don’t say her name
I don’t mention the others
And you do the same
We are quiet in our shame
But seeing you brings me relief
Talking to you is still so calming to me
If we get loud enough and the room gets dark enough and the smoke gets thick enough
Maybe for a moment
We will not be worrying about who is who’s and how we feel
We will just be.

Maybe I’d be ok
If I was farther away
Or you dropped off the face of the earth
If you sunk into the ocean floor
Instead of showing up to work
If I were engraving your curls on ancient stones
Instead of asking you for my old shirts
Perhaps if I was older
Or less In love
I would have been ok
I wouldn’t have given up
My heart is a chasm
My sadness a gorge
Down down down
I miss the hurting
And to be honest
If you wanted me back
I’d probably throw myself off that cliff
I know it wouldn’t be safe to
But safety here?
Barely exists.

And you didn’t hold the kittens
They held you
In the upstairs of your barn
Behind one of the hay bails

Where summer was endless
lake days
holding hands
Climbing trees
And exploring

All of it made us feel like we never needed anything else
But we didn’t know anything else
Where even in the winter
The wood stove was there to help us keep our sunshine
Warm
And
Excited
Who could run the fastest
Who had the most secrets
We were
Terrified
Of the neighbors dog
And how he tore at our heels
If we weren’t fast enough
We were terrified of our older brothers
And how much our bodies didn’t belong to us

Both our fathers were too loud
And our mothers too meek
We
Were each other’s only escape....


There were red ones
That grew just out of the deer’s reach
Behind the best climbing tree
Littered with pots and pans as high as the eye could see
But the special ones
The yellow ones
Required some adventuring
We braved the feared boundaries by your neighbors where that Rottweiler could reach us
Just for something a little sweeter than what we had
But it was never as scary as going home
We would rather risk the snarling demon
Than go home and hear the screaming
Than go home and go to sleep
Only to wake up
And try to convince ourselves What happened in the night

Was a dream.

Why
tiny sparks of electricity
I grab your arm
you turn to me
"Maybe we should walk"
maybe we should talk
You mean so much to me

...And I’ve told you
Time and time again
In a glance or a breath on your neck
In a contact of skin and an accidental smile
it creeps up your cheeks
You’re still looking at me
And I now
Know for certain
We laugh about them and how they laugh about us
I say that it’s crazy
And silly
And yet
Surface tension never breaks
Eye contact feels illegal
Is it love
Is that it
Is it spiritual
A souls connection formed by intimacy
Intimately our vulnerability left us
Out of the group
Standing
Pretending nothing was happening
I cannot say what we’re saying
out loud....

Oh,
I'm not surprised,
You said your fine,
One too many times.

I want you to prove me right
secretly
I want you to confirm all the horrible things I think about
I want you to leave me
deem me unlovable

I woke up
With a clear head
For the first time in two months
Misplaced longing not hiding underneath my pillowcase
For once
I knew what I wanted
And it wasn’t you
For once
I knew I couldn’t keep doing this,
Seeing you
Promising pure intentions
And ending with you curled up naked beside me

You can not make love where there is no love

And I no longer desire you.

For the repercussions have finally pushed me over the edge

I know what I want
One good night of sleep later

And it isn’t you.

The words were in my heart
But they could not reach my mouth
That's the thing about taboo
When it's tied
To an "I love you"

I had a dream

We had a story

But when I woke up

Nothing was written


And that bothers me.

I smoke **** because it makes the headaches go away
My brain pounds against my skull
And the lights flicker and
The sharp pain follows me home
The drugs made everything dull
I mean, can you blame me?
A life full of sharp
Stabbing
Pain
Washed away with an inhalation of smoke
The tramadol didn’t work
The codeine didn’t work
But the smoke

Worked.

You used to use it against me
You used to say
“You’ve changed”
“You aren’t the same person I fell in love with”
The pain
The blame
Of changing with your growing age
You used to smirk
After you flirted
After you insulted
After you won
I used to imagine what it would be like to kiss your thin pink lips
I thought I could predict the way you would kiss
The way the knives prickled off your tongue
Sharp
I am surprised they are not
Red with blood
You used to do a lot of things
You used to play god
But you kept forgetting your own rules
I
Was scared of your inconsistency
I
was scared of how much it took to get you to love me
I
Was always scared of something
And that something changes constantly

I
Used to
Be scared of you

I used to send you messages littered with
“I’m sorry”
And
“I love you”

We

Used to do a lot of things

But we don’t anymore

All the memories
All the ticks
Melted
With our friendship

You feel a lifetime away
And now so does he
I wonder if this one is next
I’m trying to keep him close
But I’ve done close before
And I know how it ends

I am in fact
A solar system with no planets
No plans to survive
Within something else
Someone else
Outside of my own existence
I will not create history
Or remnants
There will be no collateral damage
There will be no effect
My head
Is it’s own
My arms are only my arms
The stars are only my own
There is no one else
There is nothing else
All I will ever have is myself
Persons try
To orbit me
But eventually
They leave
They die
Or move on
Or get ****** into someone else
Something else
It’s alright
I keep myself safe
The closer the meteor is
The closer the end is
So I kept myself
Alone
Despite your best efforts
I recognize everyone as temporary
Everything is so far away

I associate you with a feeling

I shouldn't do it but I do

I'm only human and so are you

We both are spinning on this tiny planet

But we are worlds away

The past few days
Have been pain

Pain in my heart
In my head
In my chest
Shallow breath
This week has been nothing but tiring
I feel like I'm sleep walking
Stumbling into class
Not participating in friendly conversation
My friends come up to me
Ask me
Smile at me
I'm just in my own little world
I don't want company

I want sleep