You could read my palm

And tell me that my heads ****** up

Or you could start a conversation

That would be enough.

Are not shadows in windows
But whispers of lost things on the late drive home

Seeing myself walk the side walk down the empty street
To your house
I still remember the inside

But we're driving
Not walking
I'm watching
Not existing
Another dimension

And it doesn't matter anymore

I'm not scared of the promises sewn into the carpet on my Aunt's living room floor
I hear them occasionally in a song
Or a joke
And I think about how maybe they could've been real

But I don't have proof
No photos
No witnesses
Just a letter I never sent
A poem unwritten
Blood on the pavement
A candle not burning


Anymore.



Not haunted
Just

Observing.

Medication gave me many things
A brain I could keep up with
A heart that wasn’t always racing
Rest
The ability to get out of bed

It didn’t fix all of me
It took many messy years to get to where I am
But it definitely helps

The only thing it took away
Was writing
A still brain
A calm brain
Is a quiet one indeed
And I like this
I like that I can sleep
But so many nights I stayed up
Writing works that flowed and captured
My pain so perfectly
But is there none left to feel

And without it
Am I me?

Distractions?
Am I right?
Cuz ***** isn't enough,
And **** is too much.

All these so called friends

But no one's really been checking up on me.

How do I tell you
That the thought of your hands on me
Once where comfort slept
Suddenly sickens me
How do I tell you
The apologies weren't enough
That I don't forgive you
That I'm still angry

That I just don't love you anymore

For a thousand
Tiny
Unfair reasons

You hurt me
So I became disconnected
And I don't know how to connect
Me to you

Again.

Maybe I don't want to.

Every day
I have to remind myself of the bitter parts
To keep from drowning
In everything that I miss

....half on, the other half off
I swallowed your lies
We laid next to each other  
Arms around me
Holding me tighter than you ever had before
Back when we were secure
Back when we were together
Now that your hands are forbidden I want them so much more
And I know it’s bad for us
We can not make love where there is no love
And yet
You make me forget
All the repercussions
If only for a few minutes
So this is ***
And now I’m ripping off your shirt
And you’re crying into my shoulder
And I know that it won’t heal us
And I know that we both want it to
But it won’t
And we do it any way
We are not making love
We are having ***
I didn’t know there was a difference
But you cannot make love
Where there is no love.

"Stop"
face inches from mine
"Do not do something you will regret"
you back away
"That's what I thought."

I am exhausted from trying to keep myself alive
Anyone making it harder is
In the way
I will not hold onto you
If you are not willing to stay
That’s why most people
End up far away
It’s not worth it to me
I hold no gravity

Your hands
Feel nothing like his hands
And it scares me
Your eyes
Look nothing like his eyes
But somehow that excites me
Everything about you is
Unfamiliar and new
You are dark where he was light
Your skin is caramel
And your hair comprised of tiny tight curls
That I just want to tug on softly all day
Unravel you
You have no strong opinions
About anything
Relaxed, laid back,
You make me laugh so hard it makes me a bad driver
And you hold the dashboard dramatically
You didn’t say anything as I drove miles under the speed limit on our way back to your house
Only us on the road anyways
And I wanted it to just be us for
A little longer
A former lover no longer lingers in our conversations
They are only ours
And you are different
And yet we are so good together
And yet

And yet

Any moment
A glance
Or a cologne
Or a break in our shared laughter
And the ghosts
Of our past loves
Settle between our knees
Not touching but so close
Keeping me away from you
And you away from me.

Your hand is where happiness sleeps
And I held it

I am not confident
I am just naive

They
Their
Them

Impersonal
Personified
Don't care

What
Why
Where

How could I
how could you
Why the **** did I?

.....

Songs are
in my head twenty-
four -seven
Guess I thought
I could build my
own heaven

I find comfort,
In numbers,
The curved edges,
Displaying the amount of people,
You pushed away,
I find safety,
In numbers,
The cold night,
You hugged yourself tight,
Begging to get away,
I find frustration in numbers,
The same way you find frustration in feelings,
But they just don't go away,
Far to many,
Far to often,
Has it always been this way?

It saddens me to feel the rift
Drifting towards indifference
When the soaking anger dries
All that is left is nothing

Maybe one day I will throw away all the photos
Maybe one day I will wash all the clothes you gave back to me so they don’t smell like you any more
Maybe one day I’ll stop treating you like you’re dead
And I’m
Grieving
Our relationship is the only thing that’s deceased
Realistically
But god it really did feel like
You killed me

Hop in the front seat,
Take the wheel,
Make your eyes meet,
The edge of the road,
Great lakes,
Movie takes,
Photographic,
Opportunity,

Curved lips,
Make me want,
To Be kissed,
By the sun,
When all fun is done,
You'll take me,
By the hand,
We'll break bread,
By the land,
We will skip,
And dive,
Then we'll drive,
And drive,
Far away,
From our worries,

From our pain.

I laid on the kitchen floor
My heart begging to burst
i just want your honey skin
And your curls
Your laugh is music
Your smile the opening number
I kiss your cheek
Then bite your shoulder
i just want to devour you

you are so sweet

We faked till we fought,
Then we fought and we fought.
We broke,
Trust.

It happens to the best of us.

shatter the mirror,
burn the rope,
bury knife,
get rid of the note.
remember your incredible individuality,
not that one idiot who doesn't know what he's talking about,
keep away from the blade,
throw it away,
you're fine,
just breath,
you'll be alright.

take it from a stranger,
who started at the bottom,
alone, afraid,
i won't even mention friends,
but now here i am happier then I've ever been,
please keep on fighting,
no matter how hard,

maybe one day, you'll be where I've found myself,
crawl out of the pit,
you might have just dug yourself.