Now she is fantasies
Sanity’s
Banish me
Vanish in
All the words left
I could panic in
All culminating
In one disrepair
How ungainly the weight
Of the burdens I bear
Could successes equate
Into failures I wear
Into depths I could barely
Escape from my lair
If she’s not
Everywhere
In my sight
And my mind
And she turns back
To look in my eyes
One more time

Don’t think about her,
Oh look
Now I am
And been living the same day
All over again
I’m approaching a year
Since returning
From where
I expected to find
A more current affair
Fall in love
With a cause
I could actually care
For embracing
But space
Has a way
Of erasing
Connection
And to my dismay
I felt only depression
Regret
I had ever left
Whom I held dear
Now with nothing to show for it
We disappear
From whatever else
Might have been
Better together
Just sever the ties
This goodbye
Is forever

But see that’s why it’s nuts to me
Waiting on you
Since I did it to you
Without thinking it through
To conclusion
Seclusion
Is where I am now
But adapting my senses
Eternally
Bound
To communicate human
And state what my prey is
Conveying the union’s
Peace beast in his cages
Lay waste the creators
With demon exertion
And purge the earth-fakers
With worthy subversion
Befitting the finest
Idealists at play
Our posterity learning
Their brilliant display
Is the way we keep turning
With all it in tune
And that even delusions
Can land on the moon

At this point
I’d settle
For cliché rose petals
Still plucked and discarded
For wine bottle revels
In nights we spend days
Barely seeing each other
The difference it makes
Is estrangement as lovers
But I have still yet to uncover
The veil
When I try to discover
What’s under
I fail
To see why
We so gallantly,
Typically,
Think we must strive
To prove all of mankind
Is affirmed
By a bride

Call me hick
Call me ****
Call me in the head
Sick
What you can’t say
Is that I
Have ever
******
Diction’s
Implicit bias’
Consistent
Contradiction
Still claiming its
Gaming the system’s
Eviction
From victimless crime-
Ridden’s
Fickle statistics
Conviction’s
Capricious
Cog-nativity
Dissonance
Wishin­g its
Written provision
Submission
Could make up its mind
About blind faith
Religion
And carefully choose
What it views
With suspicion

Dreadfully sorry
You must be mistaken
I wanted no part
In these games you partake in
But still play along
And assume any role
With a character flaw
Even critics extol
To behold a performance
Befitting of class
Acting fake
Then you make it
Identity’s mask
But my eyes independently
Scan and discern
And my tongue lashes out
When I hunger to learn
Why the rest
Of the pesky insects
Drone away
Just to miss my shade change
All too late
And fall prey

Defaulting to scarcity
Desert conditions
Inured to abject
Desperation
Submissions
In sheer deprivation
I take
What I get,
What I find,
What is offered,
Except
My position within
Hierarchical food chains
Of daily grow thin
Until sources of plenty
From paucity catch
The enhanced sense of smell
And await me to ******
In my jaws
Taking back
The predation skill
Killer instinctive
I lack

Memorizing names leads to the forgetfulness of the concept

Where’s the drive dude?
Still just shootin’

Never write another word
If it meant
Being
Right
Beside you
Heard

I control the stories
Said the imperialist

Can’t do anything
Write
So much my fingers hurt

An imperial power
Comes into a ****** land
Against her will

Chasin’ monsters
Now you are one

And still am the infinite
Nothingness matters
Still leavin’ the labels
On fables
In tatters

And now we write
The day away
Concluding it
Where it shall stay
Remain as but a fragment
Of what recollections
Happen
To be worthy of remembrance
In my preservation habit
Of a life no one
Need ever know
Yet still compelled
To something show
The glow of my lucid shadow
And even if
The only one
Who sees it is
What I've become
At least I find some solace
In believing it is found
By the erstwhile selves
Whom in which dwells
These letters
Leather-bound

Close as I’ve
Ever yet
Ventured
To fathom
As if
My imagine
Could reach out and grab them
The weapons we’ve formed
Unto prosperous ends
To the victor go spoils
And I write the ends
Of the stories
Of glorified
Government forms
To fill out
And redoubt us
In Ivy League
Dorms
In the master class
Master’s degrees
Culture norms

Not intent
But intonation
Saw what my people
Had built for me
Waiting
Safeguarding
Regarding
Me
Of the mandating
It can’t be forever
Prosperity yields
It will not be eternal
How awful it feels
For there will come a time
We must choose
Who we are
And through proof
Or in truth
See the solely sworn servitude
Back to the youth

Keep all your stars
Unaligned
Disarrayed
You’re afraid
What you feel for me
Isn’t the same
**** they say to you
Clay and glue
Molded and stuck
On this notion
Emotion’s
Just looking to ****
Or the universe
Curse
Is just energy ******
By another conflicting
Dope horoscope trope
When we both know this ends
With mortality’s rope
So submit to their cleverest
Platitude
Tunes
And reject my objection
To lunacy moons
If we can’t disagree
Peaceably and move on
Then the prospect
Of friends
Is already long gone

Not apathy
But naturally
Defaulting on
Catastrophe
Is possible
And plausible
And thus is just
Unsolvable
Too much exists
To comprehend
Too much resists
Its fate to end
And such attempts
Do not make sense
To rage against
Impermanence
In vehemence
Or fulmination
Air and fire
Conflagration
Made us all
And shall unmake
The urban sprawl
The wilderness
The in-between  
Is nothing but
Internecine
Conflicting clans
In entropy
Will ever be
How it unfolds
And with it my
Life story goes

All I have sacrificed
Given
Permitted
By seeking asylums
To which I’m committed
In more ways than one
With the refugees
Numb
To the wounds
We’ve inflicted
As lord of the slum
Bidding done
In the shadows
Or flooding the zone
And regardless
What pile of ****
Sits the throne
I alone cannot save us
Just stark raving
Madly
Homegrown
Terror
Raise us
To less ill-informed,
More illumined,
Dissent
To consenting
Too big to failed
Experiment

So easy to be
Orderly
And restore
Any semblance of normalcy
Stocked and in store
Keeps it going,
Consuming,
Producing more goods
Till the last residential
Devours the woods
But I like
To stay hungry
Then all at once feast
Like collective potential
To harvest the wheat

I like learning
  More than teaching
I like searching
  More than planning
I like being
  More than doing
I like thinking
  More than speaking
I like drinking
  More than smoking
I like broken
  More than hoping
I like music
  More than movies
I like winning
  More than losing
I like feeling
  More than judging
I like solving
  More than grudging
I like loving
  More than hating
I like dating
  More than mating
I like sorrow
  More than anger
I like risky
  More than danger
I like stranger
  More than normal
I like human
  More than mortal

Remember me
When I'm gone
For it won't be long now
In the blink of an eye
In the fading of sound
Can it be taken back
Can the reverie end
The unending can make
The once living
Be dead
And to be among them
Countless souls
Of no homes
With no place
Occupying
No spatial
Awareness
What use then
This consciousness
Vessel
To bear it
What we can not help
But consider
Nor save
From the imminent
Passing of time
To the grave

To talk about history
First you need war
Lot of thinking before
Was the better reform
But beware it is tyrants
And conflict engaging in
Waging warmongers
Encased in the brain again
Buying it,
Selling it,
Seeking its heat
Or its cold
Either way
Always ends in defeat

Am I actually sleeping
Or resting assured
Am I truly at peace
Or some sort of unmoored
Don’t know nothing about me
Just how I would feel
If I left her without me
The rest is unreal
Now I’m too deep
Too far
To turn back
Even if
Shades of solitude
Often too
Hard to resist
But still vastly outweighing
My thrive in the dark
Is my strive
To undauntedly
Follow my heart  
And dispose of the key
That once locked it away
And get used to the growing old
Life
Day by day

Beginning anew
Passing through
The old haunt
Where I’d go for 8 hours
Of status to flaunt
But all based
On white collar
Delusions of class
Signaling that my virtue
Could for purpose pass
Though the truth was
My uses were few
And far cries
From the life that I wanted
To lead
In disguise

Beginnings seem to end
Somewhere in the middle
Twenty-three years
Of forgetting to remember
Momentous mountains moved to tears

If only retention
Had no imperfection
If hindsight was really
A hundred percent
And if memory served
With unswerving fidelity
I’d interact with linguistic celerity
Articulate
With impeccable eloquence
Confidence in what I say
With intelligence
Read back a book
In verbatim synopsis
I got this
Before
Any public speech topics
And not just
To ego boost
Boast of my genius
I’d merely make strengths
Of my know nothing weakness

This could be it
I was already leaning
Out over the edge
Of devoid of all meaning
And hope before merely
A word that was spoken
What once I held dearly
Had long ago broken
A ghost in the most
Morose host
I was lost
Since I drew my first breath
Of fresh air
Has a cost
And tossed out
In a cruel, unforgiving world
Yearned
To return
Just to leave again,
More left to learn
But approaching it now
Tantalizingly close
It recedes like one does
In a drug overdose

Blame it all
On me,
As if I intended
To selfishly make
Only my problems ended
With what minor setback
Comes daily, but free
Hidden fees set aside
To preserve harmony
But it’s never quite good enough,
Laugh in my face
When I seek a solution
You try to debase
The shared space
I facilitate,
Foster,
Preserve
The respect you don’t show me
But I still deserve

The you when I see you
Can still express care
I’m just trying to see through
The screens everywhere
Everywhere that I go
Still enjoying the show
You’re all bound
To the sound
Alter egos aglow
At the spotlight’s behest
They’re all altered at best
Your identity?
Industry
Image ******
And when faced with the truth
You prefer picturesque  
But unfiltered
Be sure
My persona charade
In the digital world’s
No cliché masquerade

Can’t rely on a like
And a message
To smile
This find a wife life
Will get old
In a while
And already starting
To bore me
In normalcy
Promising prospects
Condemn me
Remorselessly
Playing the field
With my feelings
Exposed
Vulnerabilities
Shared
Should’ve kept them
Enclosed
In these letters to no one
Specifically reading
Intentions and purpose
To keep them from leaving

You don’t care,
I don’t care
Barely still friends
We can go on pretending
But can’t make amends
I feel only resentment
You enter,
I cringe
I don’t want to impinge
Your pursuit of delusion
But flicking the switch
Is the only conclusion
I reach
That is feasible
Somewhat agreeable
Get us both working
On something less menial
Than the day labor
Divisive
Disdain,
Yours is getting hands *****,
Mine far more urbane
But in vain
Will it all have been
Watching you leave
And then just like that
Watch your life
Split at the seems

Do I read them all back?
Or keep writing you more?
Either way
Doesn’t take me back
To us
Restored
In completion
Replete with
The good and the bad
Memories
And the future
We could’ve still had
But perhaps it allows
Deeper now
Contemplation
Again at the cusp
Of our dusk
Divination
Into
What the dwindling
Of desolate dawn
Still returns to eternity‘s
Gone along song

Choose not to partake
I forsake
Pleasure-seeking
Deprive my desires
Of decadent sleeping
In speaking
Reserved
Only purposefully
Verbal
Averse to attachment
And suffer eternal
Existence alone
In a godless indifference
Illusions compel me no more
To their influence

So much to tell you
Suspended in space
From the moment I see you
All pauses in place
I forget what to say
To that look on your face
And embrace that I waited
All day to hit play
Come tomorrow
Replay it
The same exact way
A few texts,
The unrest,
Then I guess I’ll just ask
For however one-sided
I’m with her at last
And can look past the patterns
All scattered and skewed
Inconsistently messaging
I just feel used
But abused, wouldn’t deign
To equate the same pain
For I can’t pin the blame
On these meaningless flings
If I’ve granted the master of puppets
My strings

We are one god together
Your anger
Comes from places of good
Intentions
Freedom isn’t free
But it should be
No?
The tech kids are on us
The technoids
Supply us
I’m no villain
But it’s fun
To pretend to be one
Sometimes
Been singing it long since
I found you
Unbound you
How alone
That I really was
Hung on the phone
But I wrote of the dirges,
The scourges
Of passion
And somehow
You heard them,
And took to their fashion
Despite how it clashed
With the outfitted
Madness
The first thought
To pop
In my head
An old adage
Went something like
She wasn’t meant to be
Waves at the sea
Wasn’t meant to be you
Wasn’t meant to be me
Couldn’t see
Every
In the unity beam
Nor as high
As my smoldering wings
Carried me
There was her
There was him
There was light-dimming
Din
Resonance
In the fading of timeless
Again
There was kings
There was queens
There was ambient
Fiends
There were beings
Redeeming
My fatalist fates
In the face of believing
And then intervening
To herald my victory
Triumphant
Eulogy
Proud to be falling
In love with serenity
Dare as I
Bold as the
Erinyes
Bearing me
Sharing my mystery
Glimpse of infinity
With what remembrance’s
Remnants
Remain
In the current rendition’s
Revisionist page

And we will see it
In the advent
Of our children’s
Reveries
And we will bend the will of titans
Bring the muses
To their knees
We thee unseen
Consent decrees
Still issue warnings
Troopers storming
Terraforming
Free degrees
For privileged legacies
To breeze
And earn their progenies
With ease
And vested in
Investing in
The inclination
To exceedingly
Succeed
We will remind them
Of the trees
And of the people left to feed
For we are ample
By example
Will we will teach them how to lead

Graduated with honors,
Made love like a beast
Earned my place among the muses,
Then championed peace  
The world over
Alone
Far from home
Have I roamed  
And then into my tombstone
I chiseled unknown
But no, never forgotten
A rose from the coffin
My unfinished business
To witness the autumn
From where I was raised
To emblazon its flare
Like the winter fox
Facing
The mighty black bear
Have I tread on undaunted,
By her ever haunted,
Heartbroken
I wrote to her
Lost and exhausted

But never lost sight
Quite completely
Of who
I am proud
Son of Judy
And friend of the few
Coolest dudes on this rock
And imbued with their brotherhood
Seek to unlock
What we’ve yet to learn
Searching
The infinite depths
Even if
All we find
Is an imminent death
We were here
We were real,
Redefined how we feel
Our ideals indomitable,
Adamant steel
And unyielding our strive
To be more than alive
So let this be my testament
Ever in time

Let this be the one
That will resonate
Audibly
Spiriting me
To a tune
Of most longingly
Late at night
Wondering
Where it went wrong
How it fell apart
Leaving some
Discordant song
In its wake
In its aftermath
Probingly vexed
To have clearly foreseen
I would make such a mess
Of such otherwise
Soaring highs
Tidy and neat
Had it all figured out
Saw the journey
Complete
But remember
I reminisce
Flee to my reverie
Lest I forget
And let memories
Bury me

Can only
Return
To inspired
So seldom
We grow old
Withhold
What we feel
Is unwelcome
To others
We may
Trust the most
Confidantes
Who most likely desire
What nobody wants
To impart,
Or apprise,
Or describe
Candidly
When for free
It is offered
So off-handedly
By the back-handed,
Off the cuff,
Tongue in cheek
Flattery
Frenemies cattily
Cat-calling
Blabbing spree
You find amusing
And humorous
Yes?
I guess besties
Just really means
Who wore it best
But at least reflects
Some attempt
Semblance
Expressed
Of two people
As fake
As the real world
Can get

Could have never imagined
Nor dare even fathomed
That hell could be found
On the living plane's planet
Yet in its appearance
Belies a deceptive
Visage of contented
Condemned to the
Reckoning fields
They are tending
Which seldom aflame
But to nurture the soil
No infernal blaze
Of eternal pains
Boil
The suffering seems to be lost
On the tenants
Who don't see the land devils'
Levels, the menace
Their sustenance nourishment
Share of the crops
Just enough to ***** out
Where the stockpile rots
If through wandering eyes
One can spy where it lies
And to what reapers' scythes
They owe such a demise
As this gradual,
Downward pull
Into the pits
For the one who has risen
From deaths worse than this
But to them it is home
Pandemonium only
To one who in Heaven itself
Was still lonely

Take apart
Of me
And what do you get
Just the heart
Of a recluse
Awaiting regret
An excuse
For why I
On my failures
Rely
Justify
My abhorrent
Transgressions
Deny

Brought my bastion
Packing
With me
Half a world away
No need to build
It over
Better
All attempts
To start
Delayed
No minds remain
Have I not swayed,
No feeble brains
Left to invade
My best endeavoring
To memory,
Eventually
Will fade
For I have made
My bed
My home
My place
On earth
Out of
The grave
And from the cradle
To its breaking
Shell
My body can be laid

When we finally
Wake up
From the dream
Could it be
This is not the forever
We used to conceive
We are not as together
As like to believe
And when leaving
Is all that
Alleviates
Stress
Is there anything left
But a ruinous mess?
If the sound of my voice
And my presence
Perturb you
And absent
Its resonance
Doesn’t unnerve you
As much as it would
If I was
The one wronged
But still couldn’t undo
Beside you
I’ve belonged

Opted out
Got back in
Couldn’t live there again
I chose racing with rats
Over ones on my skin
Crawling off its embrace
Of my gaunt skeleton
Gnawing at my subconscious
Insomniac guilt
Where fecundity blooms
It shall soon enough wilt
And what built its decay
Domicile exile
Expires, erodes
No abode is worthwhile
Eventually I
Would abandon the home
For the first opportunity
Onward to roam
Be it so
Upon continents
Drifting away
Or domestic tranquility
Muted and gray

Now I can really
Stop caring
Thread baring
Regaining
My bearings
Imbalanced
Repairing
The damage I’ve done
Open wounds I’ve inflicted
The monster I’ve been
In my skin
Self-afflicted

Exhaustion
Not often
My intimate friend
Yet still sleeping on novels
I haven’t yet penned
Too dependent
On preoccupied
Idle mind
With prosaic distractions
I seldom rewind
To reflect back upon
Or retain
The main point
I’m just getting through life
And each night
At this point

If space is to be bought and sold
And shipped to distant galaxies
I only ask we keep ourselves
Still grounded in realities
And not forget our one true home
Has nurtured us since birth
And all it asks of us in kind
Is think first of the Earth

Nothing adds up
If equations of us
Not a word I could say or write
Earns me your trust
And there must be two people
Both present
In this
When you’re gone
And I’m gone
Want the other to miss
How it feels to be whisked away
Wistfully with
An intention to mention
The taken for granted
Want you in my arms
By your charms
Am enchanted
Just need you to want
Me more present in flesh
When I get there
Allow our personas  
To mesh
And entangle
Ensnare me
Come bare your whole soul
Have a drink with me
Trip with me
Pack us a bowl

Had it all figured out
On my way up
From way down
Commitments to change
Into willingly bound
Just to meet unforeseen
Redirection
Temptation
Throw it
All away
On a whim’s
Inclination
In case it should vacate
Holistic embraces
The pieces all present
But in the wrong places
Or forced into place
Where they do not belong
Now it’s stuck in my head
Like some kind of love song

Mania’s
Micro dose
Host
Mostly harmless
Hostility felt
But at least I disarm it
Before going public
With my uncouth nature
The truth is
It’s some kind of anxious
I’d wager
And smirking
And lurking
And chuckling with glee
Appears lunacy
When it’s just me
Gloomily
Having full conversations
With shadows
And wind
But externally
Ear to ear
Stretches my grin

Admittedly dwell
On that first fateful night
You attracted my metal
With your magnetite
And in hindsight
The last time
The two of us might
Have been more
Than apart
Equal halves of one heart
But then after
Could never go back
To the start
For from there it was all
This is real,
I mean really,
I think that I love you
You have to believe me

Conscious expanded
I’ve been there
Abandoned
Erstwhile
Constituents
Of the old me
Yet eventually
My default setting
Me free
Just recedes,
Or rescinds,
Or reverts
To it hurts
To go so very far
And delve furthermore still
Into alternate methods
To thrill in the ****
Of the ego,
The love,
Delectation
Indulgence
Replaced by a mere fleeting glimpse
Of effulgence
That beckons,
And cleanses
And lends itself to
Be sensorily sorted
In starting anew
Brighter day,
Better life,
A respite from the plight
And if dare I hope
Someone
To kiss me goodnight

She could be in terrible
Pain
So just go to her
Caught in some really bad way
As you never were
Prone to emotion
No more than provides
What you hide
In repressed,
More effeminate sides
But deprived of your strength
And your take home
Inflation
Of ego
You know
You’re alone
Inclination
Just seeks
Its self-service
Cocoon of eschewing
The over the moon
For you feelings
Exuding
But loses its bluster
Its posture
Its cool
And submits to her
Somehow more powerful
Rule

Not getting younger
Insatiable hunger
I feel in my bones now
The calm before thunder
Increasing
Insouciance
Elusive girl still
Unattainable
Pain
I sustain
Like a skill
And she will
Appear often
Go silent for days
Lead me on
Like a guide
But I’m trapped in a maze
And the turns that I’m taking
Make two rights a wrong
But parochial focus
Is narrow and long
And exceedingly dim
Down the walls closing in
As my love-maker rusts
Like a man made of tin
Any win
Is a loss
More misfortunate
Cost
And upon my tombstone
The word “Nothing” embossed