It settles on my shoulders,
A heavy cloak.

A low sigh, then
A quiet acceptance of this burden again.

me.gs

I've always wanted to go to church
Not a hoity-toity one,
Where you have to wear clothes so starched you can't breathe
But one on the beach,
Where you can feel the rising sun
And the sand between your toes
And smell the salt air
And the pastor preaches love,
Spinning tales about birds and bees and trees,
And how our Creator love us, No Matter What

I just want a church of love, not hate
Where everyone is equal
And everyone is loved.

me.gs

Soft, gauzy legs
Shimmery, silky material

Fingertips gliding, searching
Hoping, wanting

You.

And your beating heart next to mine.

Thud.
Thud.

I can practically feel your breaths on my
Neck.

me.gs

I thought we were best friends
But you ******* lied
I feel like I got my stomach punched
My guts ripped out
I kind of want to ****
We were best friends
That means we tell each other everything
But I guess you didn't get the memo

...I suppose it's my fault too
I should have made it clear that I'd listen and help you, without judgement
No matter my personal feelings
I'm sorry
I failed

me.gs

Sometimes I feel
As if I'm drowning
Drowning in my feelings for you
And I seem to have forgotten how to swim
And I have no life jacket
So it's up to me
To paddle my way through this ****
But god, do I wish I had help

me.gs

A falling raindrop,
It plummets past the treetops,
Hellbent on its doom

me.gs

I'm just a stupid, silly girl
Who doesn't know how or when
To keep her feelings in check

My smile is so fragile
I'm surprised I haven't shattered my teeth yet
With how much I clench my jaw

And my back, oh,
How it aches
From picking others up all the time,
But,
Never being offered the courtesy back
(Maybe that's what happens when you're six foot one and 175 pounds)

Maybe I should've been a short girl
Sometimes I think people forget I'm
A Real Person
And that I have feelings and thoughts too
I don't just play basketball and fix others

I think I'm just in need of someone
Who will actually see me
And return my love
And know that I'm more than how I look and say I am

I'm just tired, you know?
And my back hurts.

me.gs

The soothing wave-like rhythm of the beat
Washes over me,
Syncing with the air particles from the fan,
Fitting me into the universe once more.

me.gs

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO ON LIVING
WHEN YOU'RE THE FIRST AND LAST THING
I THINK OF EVERY DAY

AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE
WHEN ALL I WANT TO INHALE IS YOUR SCENT

****
**** **** ****
**** ****

YOUR LIPS ARE ALL I DREAM ABOUT

ADN I THINK I'M WASTING AWAY
FOR WHAT IS FOOD
WHEN ALL I WANT TO EAT IS YOU

SEE, I CAN'T EVEN SPELL RIGHT
AND MAYBE THAT'S JUST MY CONCUSSION

BUT YOU'RE PUSHING OUT
EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY BRAIN

YOU'RE ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT
AND I'M SLOWLY LOSING MY WILL TO

LIVE

me.gs

Biting breezes,
Running red squirrels,
And
A hammock,
Gently swaying in the air currents.

me.gs

As the bees seemingly swim through the heavy, humid air,
I dip my feet in the water and watch
The lilies floating on the surface,
Providing shade to the fish below,
And a perch to the frogs above

The clouds drift through the sky,
Shape-shifting to whatever my heart wants to see

And what I see is this:
Love hanging in with the campfire smoke
Roses, fully bloomed,
Sharp little cracks of scent,
Pushing aside the humidity, even if only for a
Moment

Fish darting through the lake's rocks,
Nervously swimming,
Gaping, gasping,
Eating Mayflies

Life is just bursting all around me,
And nature is truly in the throes of youthful energy,
As I sit here,
Transfixed and energized by the power of life.

I can practically feel the summer's heat in my veins.

me.gs

I have written five poems
For you, about you, to you
But not with you

And I know I won't get any gifts
But it sure would be nice
To have you on my birthday

And I know you don't know this
But I am in love with you
To have you return it would be the best

Gift?
Blessing?
Curse?

That would ever be

me.gs

It just occurred to me that
I can find bonds with other people
That I thought I never could.

Which means I can and will get over you.

me.gs

It smells...
Sweet and earthy.
With the water giving a hint of acidity,
And the rocks, some solidness...

This, This is a sensory experience I could devour forever.

(And the sun, it just... lightens everything up.
The
Tiniest
Bit.)

me.gs

We're just friends
I mean,
sure,
Maybe I wanna kiss her when she wakes
Up
And maybe I wanna make her breakfast
And drag my fingers across her skin
And kiss her freckles, all of them
But
We're just
FRIENDS

.

Rule Number One:
Never Fall For a Straight Girl

Broken that rule
How many times now?

I should know better

me.gs

I can smell the blown out candles
It smells like
Sadness
Wax
And a little bit of bitterness
All rolled up into passionate flames
Sadly snuffed out
Much like my heart
This is confusing and none of it makes sense
But ******,
It's how I feel

me.gs

"Lonely"
The word sits there,
Mocking me.
How can I protest and say I am not, when
Your heartbeat is the Only thing I want to hear
And your sweet, soft, heady scent is all I want to breathe

I'd choose your arms over a bed any day.

Too bad I'm stuck with what I have.

me.gs

You are the most nonthreatening person I know

And I'm so
*******
Jealous

Because I hate
That when I move too fast,
My friends flinch

I hate
That when I get excited and loud,
My friends get mad and tell me to stop shouting,
As if I have no right to be excited, happy

As if I can just fold in on myself,
Be smaller

I'm too hard and big and strong to be viewed as
Gentle
And I hate that I'm not viewed as
Kind

I wish my lines were softer, like yours

me.gs

It's one AM
And I can't stop thinking
About how much warmer my bed would be
If you were in it with me

me.gs

Goodbye, Ryanson.
You will be so missed.
Your kindness, goofiness, and welcoming nature were
Rare.
And so welcome in day-to-day life.
I remember
You were walking through school with a plate of cookies, and
I
Asked if I could have
One.
You gave me the whole plate.

If that doesn't tell people what kind of person you are,
Were,
...Then I don't know what to say.

Goodbye, Ryanson.
Rest in peace.
You will be so missed.

me.gs

The girl with the wooden heart
Ka-thunk, ka-thunk
Living, growing, breathing, beautiful,
Wood.

And then it petrified, fossilized,
Became stone.

Because some pain just stops you
Dead.
And you can't move past it.

me.gs

It may only be ten PM
But it sure as hell feels like three in the morning
Thinking about you,
Writing about you,
Stuck on you...

Sounds about right

me.gs

I keep feeling myself rise these levels so fast,
Just pushing myself to be better all the time,
The sheer willpower I have now,
To get **** done.

I love the pure selfishness and and selflessness,
Simultaneously,
Me improving just to be superior,
But also
Me improving to help other people.

I am a mismatch of a bunch of things.

me.gs

My mind, it wanders
And I,
I don't really control it,
But it just sort of -
tip-top-tips
Away
Into the darkness that, sadly, is my brain
And I,
I haven't quite mastered the art of
Bringing It Back
And I surely don't have a leash for it
So I just let it wander
And do what it wants
Because,
Really,
Who am I to deny my thoughts the Simple Pleasure
Of wandering freely
I've never been so fortunate, myself

The mind is a lovely thing,
And, oh,
How it boggles!

My thoughts are very... Freefloating
Compared to me

Funny how that works, isn't it?

me.gs

I'm falling asleep
Passing into the blackness
I want to never return

But going in, it
Re-energizes me
And I come out,
Wanting never to
Leave the light again.

I am so...
Wishy-washy.

me.gs

I think the reason I smoke cigarettes
Is because you're so against them
And I'd rather have poison in my lungs
Than poison in my heart

Maybe if I smoke enough the smoke will drown out the toxins you left in my chest

me.gs

Lately,
My hands seem to always be cold
And I don't know if it's just because it's winter
Or if my heart is starting to shut down from everything it's been through
Maybe I'm just looking for someone,
You, perhaps
To come along and cup them in yours
And maybe we can stay that way for a while

I mean,
Only if you want to
I'm sure I can find mittens

me.gs

Let's listen to CCR and drive through the town
Let's dig and plant and dig and plant
Let's watch the leaves and flowers sprout, growing more vibrant with each passing day
Let's do Small Things for each other, no expectations.
Let's just be us around each other,
And trust that we can find our way together

Can we watch the sun set and drink lemonade?
Can we go swimming and diving in the lake?
Can we take pictures of the frost on the windows, drawing hearts in it?
Can we make each other dinner?

If only you knew how I felt
If only you'll know how I'll feel
If only you felt the same

I want you so **** bad,
In the purest way possible.

I just wanna be yours.

me.gs

You left a very raw lump of anger in my chest and it's
very hard to chip it down
instead of building it
larger and larger

I'm trying to move on but it's so **** hard with no closure.

me.gs

The snow sits softly on the trees,
A pure and
Pleasant sight.

me.gs

Lately, it seems,
Unfinished poems are my thing
I wonder if this has anything to do with you
And how you left me,
Gaping,
Searching for an answer,
But none to be found.
What happened to my feelings?
More importantly, what happened to yours?
they seem to be gone with the wind
Fickle and ephemeral,
Nobody knows what happened with them.

me.gs

"We are the sum of our past experiences"
If this is true,
Then:
You are where I picked up my walk
You are the source of my jokes
You are the wave I use
You are how I write my 4's
You are how I stretch after a long nap
You are the way that I sing,
Low, Whispery, rasping away at the song

But soon I fear I'll forget you all
And with you, the things you taught me
So question is,
Who will I be then?

me.gs

I think there must be a waterfall in my chest
Because whenever I even think of you
I can just hear my feelings pouring forth,
Gushing,
Flooding my heart
With pure devotion

It honestly terrifies me
How much you mean to me

I'm slowly drowning in these feelings
And it's getting hard to breathe
But you probably don't even care
You're above feelings,
I bet

Especially about me

me.gs

Sophia,
Sophia,
sweet delight!

Sweeter than the
Birds,
Bees,
A Sweet Treat
To eat!

Sophia,
My dear,
Listen up!

Button up,
Jump up,
And...


OFF WE GO!

me.gs

Paroxysms of emotion
Shake shake shake
Sha-
SHAKING
Out of my brain,
Trembling down my arm,
Ballroom dancing it's way into my pen,
And finally,
Exploding into ballet across these pages,
Pirouetting, spinning,
Filling with emotion these blind, blank bits of paper
They tell me what I am,
What I am made of

I quite like it,
Discovering myself

me.gs

You,
You so pious,
You ruined my relationship with God for me.
You soured me
(Like spoiled milk)
to the point
That I can no longer get any joy from my Creator.

me.gs

I don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I loved you.
I loved you more than myself, more than the earth, more than life.
I loved you so deeply you tore the fabric of my being in two when you left,
Never to return.

me.gs

The Northern Lights,
A great green swirling Chinese dragon,
Dancing in the sky,
Writhing so slowly,
So elegantly...

So divinely.

me.gs

I've decided you're an angel
How else could you be so...
Understanding?
Caring?
Talented?

I think that if you got a look at your heart,
It's be shining white and gold,
Almost drowning out the sun
Someone put you here to spread...
Hope?
Courage?
Love?

And for that I ma eternally grateful
Because I'm happy to have handed you my heart
And to have gotten it back, sewn together

me.gs

I can already feel you fading from my mind,
Gone
With
The
Wind

me.gs

Say something I'm giving up on you

I seem to be saying that a lot lately
...Doing that more and more...

So the question is:
Am I losing my faith in general?
Or am I just not a dreamer?
(Anymore)

Life is a curious thing
It always keeps you hanging on

No matter how much you've lost your faith

I wonder what'll restore mine

me.gs

We may not talk a lot,
But I just want you to know,
That you are,
Always
Tucked away in the back of my heart
In a small, cozy room,
With a fireplace and a comfy armchair

You and safe and happy in my heart
I can only hope you are like that out of it

me.gs

If I could give you the happiness you deserve
I'd do it without hesitation

But
I
Can't

So here I stand
With my heart in my hands
And nothing to show for it all

me.gs

I'm sure that nothing will come of it
(That seems to be a regular thing)
But I'm quite happy
To just bask in these feelings for a while
And see where they lead me
Who knows,
I might get lucky
And maybe get to have you for once

One can only hope

me.gs

Stone-cold greys bring light to the skies
I sense doom...
What will the day bring?

me.gs

Some people go to church
I go to Tettegouche

With the trees as my church,
Rocks, my pews,
And the multitude of stars as my altar,
I prostrate myself on the mossy ground
Praying to the wind
To please, Keep Me Whole
And as I sit and gape,
Gape up at the stars,
Crack-
Something in me twists,
And I feel the emptiness
Pouring out of me,
Only to be replaced by What will Be
And I Know
I am here
I am whole
And life has Never Been So Good

me.gs

Last night,
With the way the lights framed your face and lit up your eyes,
I wanted nothing more
Than to tuck your hair behind your ear
And plant a kiss on your lips,
Hoping it could blossom into something more
Alas,
There was no water to feed it,
No sunlight to nourish it,
And I wasn't nearly drunk or brave enough
To start digging

me.gs

Two pages left
I want to make it special
I've put a lot of myself in here
Healing, venting, stitching old wounds

This unassuming little book holds the best and the worst of me
(But mostly the worst)

I,
I have fought
I have struggled for five years
And I almost gave up
But I didn't.
So,
Look Where I Am Now
My life is a rollercoaster,
And I'm simply going up

me.gs

Eyes like flowers,
Peeking through the empty holes of your eye sockets

Remind me again,
Who said death was ugly?

me.gs

I am cold.

And all I wish is to crawl into a bed with you.
It does not matter to me if the bed is warm
We can heat it with our love,
Blazing hot/

I am cold.

And all I wish for is you.

me.gs