The storm rages on around us
And,
My dear,
I can't help but think
That even if we were in the middle of a tornado
You could make it feel like a
Calm, calm day on the lake

My life is chaotic
And nothing - nobody
Is even close to the large modicum of
Peace
your aura brings.

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A pastel colored sky,
Rising up and painting the frost on my windows
A gentle kiss of color;
It's too early yet for the striking reds and oranges of the sun
And so we only have pink,
Pink and light, light blue

A gentleness fills my soul at the sight
The clouds are so soft I could almost -touch- them

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The gradient of the sky, it
Makes my heart ache
Just the teeniest bit

White to blue.
Pure to sad.
Purely sad.

Too many of us are.

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You could offer me the world and I'd say
No

I don't want the world.
I just want
You.

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Letting go
It hurts
It hurts more than anything I've ever done
But there are some things that I just
Cannot fix,
No matter how much I might want to

I was pouring so much of myself into you,
Trying to fill you up
But you were a bucket
Not a bucket that had a hole,
No
But a bucket without a bottom.
And there would just never be enough of me to fill you.
The world would flood before I could fix you

I'm sorry
But I can't be the only one fixing you
You have to fix you, too.

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The spider spins its web,
Oblivious to the
Entire Universe around it

Such small focus!
How admirable.

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I miss your face
Your myriad of freckles
Dusting your nose and cheeks and lips
I miss how your face lights up when you laugh,
Impossibly happy
I miss the sparkle in your eyes,
Your smug grin
I get these glances,
These quick snippets,
But nobody knows how much I'd give to
Study your face in depth again
I miss your astounding beauty and all the little details that make you so
Breathtaking
I just miss you
A lot
Even though you're a ****** ******* person

I just don't understand how someone so
Heavenly Beautiful
Can be so judgmental and hurtful,
Lashing out like a cornered animal
I miss you, but ******* I hate how mean you were to me
And all I did was try to be happy,
And be myself

I'm so, so sorry that offended you so

I just want you to forgive me

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I do not know what I feel for you
Sometimes I feel
As though my heart might burst
And my soul will shine through my eyes
I will fall to the ground
And your name will pass through my lips
Lips that still have not felt yours yet

I have spent so much time looking at you
Every inch of you I have memorized
Every inch I have yet to touch

If you asked me I would tell you
How many freckles you have on your lips
And how you smile when I make you laugh

But I would be silent-mouthed
If you asked me what I felt for you
I do not know

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I know I saw you today
And I know that I will see you after tomorrow
And I know that we texted today
I know we will text tomorrow

But a second without you by my side
Is a second that is

Wasted?
Useless?
Superfluous?

And that I cannot bear

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I'm in my bed
I wish I was in yours

I'm wearing my old sweatshirt
I wish I was wearing yours

I'm under my covers
I wish I was under yours

I'm eating my chips
I wish I was eating yours

So you see, my problem
Is the absence of you
And how you could make hell my home

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I've never been as infatuated with someone's hands
As I am with yours

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I am on my bed
I am not on yours

I am alone
I am not with you

I am on my side of my bed
I am not on my side of yours

I have all the sheets
I am not squabbling over them with you

It is pitch black when I go to bed
There is no light from you checking your phone

When I wake up I will see my pillow
I will not see your hair nor smell it

I am not with you

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I think you must have
Painted yourself
On the inside of my
Eyelids
Because when
I close my
Eyes, eyes, eyes
You're all that
I can see
And how can I
Ever hope
To escape
You
When you're stuck
In my brain
Latched,
Latched on,
Like a magnet
You've pinned me
Down
And I can't get
Away
From you
So, please,
Either set me
Free, or just
**** me
I can't take
Anymore of this

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The kitchen light,
It glares harshly over my shoulder
And I,
I can't help

But picture
The world
In the harshest terms

What are we deserving of,
Truly?

I think...
Nothing

We are not worthy

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Sometimes I think that
I have a sadness
That will never leave my bones
It will whittle down to almost nothing
But only almost,
Never truly gone.

I wish to shed this body and move on from this corporeal plane
May I have new flesh and blood?
Some less melancholy bones?
I think I've been through quite enough,
Thank you

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All I can do
Is lay in bed and think of you.

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Quilt on the laundry lines,
Sheets and blankets too
Running through it all,
Playing games,
Racing...

Oh the magic!
Laundry lines make a mystical land!

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I don't know why I write
Perhaps it is because I cannot

Sing
Dance
Sculpt
Paint
Film

But I can spill out my soul onto these pages
Written in ink as rich as my blood
And I can spin these tales
From the depths of my heart I deliver these words to you
And I can do nothing but hope
That you will understand
Why I am the way I am

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Verdant green blooms,
Exploding in the trees like fireworks

The sun ripples through the leaves,
Leaving hope shining on the ground

Mossy rocks calmly face away from the forest,
Protecting and guarding all from threats

And
The flowers,
Bursting out of the ground,
Little shocks of color
They say, "Hey! Here I am!"
Calling for attention,
The adulation of the masses,
A celebrity on the red carpet,
Flaunting their best

The forest is full of so  much life,
Bursting at the seams with stories to tell,
Watching,
And waiting.
Waiting for a listener,
So they may describe the wonder of life,
And
The Beauty.

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Tonight is a night
For cheap cigarettes and cheaper whiskey
For getting mad at your parents
Who never taught you to love yourself
For letting those thoughts run through your head that
You'd never even consider if you were sober
For sitting in the cold and letting yourself freeze because
You deserve it

Tonight is a night for angry faces and angrier thoughts
For wallowing in self-pity

Tonight
Is a night
To be weak

Because when morning comes
You'll pretend it never happened

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Currently,
I find that
All I want
Is to roll over
And drape my arm around you

I can practically see the sunlight around us,
Lighting up the dust motes in the air
The birds are loudly chirping;
They awakened us from our slumber

If only life was as good as my imagination

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It hasn't rained in so long

And as I hear the pitter-patter
On my roof

I can just imagine the
Heavy droplets falling,
Water rushing,
Nourishing the new plants

Life-giving water
Raining from the heavens

I am so thankful

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This grey patina covering the windows, it
Obscures my view the slightest bit
And I can't help but wonder
What Small Things am I missing?
Now that my perspective is skewed
The
Tiniest bit,
What am I missing now that I would have
Seen before?

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I may not be good at drawing
So the best I can manage is this,
Painting a picture of my heart with these words,
Hoping you can spot the different colors,
Picking out the details
Sometimes my pictures are cold and blue
Sometimes they're red hot
They used to be completely grey
But now they burst with color
So here you go, my dear
Snapshots of my heart, mind, and soul
I hope you like them

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You seem to be stuck on my brain
Because
It's hard to take a test
When all I can think about
Is your head between my legs
And I can't focus on my homework
When I can practically feel your fingers drawing lines down my body
And I don't even know concentration
When all my mind see
Is you underneath me
Whispering prayers
Because, ****
What we could make is magic
It's all I can think about

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You have the
Most angelic touch I've ever known
I can only imagine
Your feather-light kisses
Trailing down my neck
And your fingertips
Tracing,
Tracing,
Their way down my stomach

However, unlike angels,
You are real

(I almost can't believe you are)

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Don't use god as an excuse for laziness,
God isn't gonna hand you ****
Life is what
You
Make of it,
So that means that, sadly,
God won't give you everything you want

Work for that ****.
Humans are capable of some pretty amazing things.

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I think it's me that breaks my heart,
Not other people

So instead of doing something about it,
I'm
Going to sit here and
Smoke cigarettes

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I graduate high school in four days, and
There's so much I haven't done or said
And I wonder
Is it because I never got the chance?
Or did I just miss it because I was waiting for the "perfect time"?

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A cool walk in the fading sun,
nothing but the
Scratch of my boots on the ice

Life can be so
...Solitarily uncomplicated

I wish it was like that more

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After the game,
As we walked into the locker room,
I saw the tears running down your face
And I wanted nothing more than to wipe them away
However, I knew that if I did
I'd cup your face and want to kiss you
So I did
Nothing
And continued walking as my heart ripped

I should be used to that by now

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I went outside to look at the stars
I went out, boldly, unafraid
And then I thought
"How nice it would be to kiss you underneath this blanket of stars, this pillow of night holding us up"
And then I realized
You were not there
Suddenly I was aware of the dark and the terrors it held
And I went back inside, alone

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I can think of nothing besides:
You, me, a truck bed, and the stars,
Glittering with the light of millions of years, tears,
Filling the sky with the souls of a billion lovers.

Maybe one day we can be up there too
Maybe one day our love can be on display for all the world to see.

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I don't know if it's just because I'm tired
But I am
So
Sad

I want to run away with you and kiss your wrists
And run my hands up your stomach,
Circling my fingers around your navel

I want you to sit between my legs, letting me braid your beautiful hair
And putting soft kisses on your neck

I wish we had a secret room
-Just us, nothing else

But you don't even know how you light up my eyes

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I can't sleep
Because once again,
You are on my mind,
Invading every corner and space
I just can't get a moment to myself,
Can I?

Can I?

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Such fleeting moments
Can cast such powerful emotions

Will we ever meet again?

I sure hope so.

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They say nothing good happens after 2 AM
But the dream leaving my lips
Tasted sweet as honey, it tasted of you
And though I have not kissed you yet
I am sure it would be sweeter than honey

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I used to have the husk of a seed inside me,
Badly in need of water and sun
And gradually,
Over time,
I watered it
And nourished it
I turned it towards the sun

And god, life is so
Beautiful

First it sprouted,
A tiny little green head poking up through the dead dirt
And it grew
And grew
And grew

And finally,
Look at me now,
I have vines running down my legs and arms,
Sprouting flowers of all colors
Red, bright pink, gentle yellow,
And -oh,
the vines wrapped around my ribs,
Sprouting out me eyes, ears, nose, and mouth
I'm just filled with happiness
-And Life
This is life, this green feeling in my body
...Sprouting flowers, not thorns

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I've been taking in so much of you
This weekend
And, god,
I'm totally *******.

Everything you do captivates me
And I'd gladly watch you for hours

I'm so tired I can barely think
And you are all that fills my mind.

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As the old man Sun caressed my face,
I felt his wizened old hands as he traces lines down my jaw and chin,
The tuppity-tap-tap of him drumming a beat on my throat
And I felt
The warmth of his rays, of him
His love for me and all beings,
Filling us with his warmth and letting us know
You Are Not Alone,
Even if you have nobody else
You will still have me,
And my rays,
Reaching you from miles and miles away

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I don't think any amount of alcohol could
Make me forget what you've done to me
You've ruined me
I can't trust I can't call people my best friend I can barely call them a friend to begin with
WHY
DID
YOU
DO
THIS
TO
ME
I
NEVER
ASKED
FOR
THIS
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A FRIEND
I NEVER MEANT TO FALL IN LOVE

God I'd do anything I take it all back I swear just please don't ruin me like this, so silently and cruelly what did I do to deserve this

There's a scream building in my throat but I won't let it out I swear I'll never let anyone know I'll never let anyone in again I'm ruined I'm broken I might as well join the army now I need to get away

Please talk to me tell me you HATE ME I DON'T CARE I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT I
DID
WRONG

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I put on some water just now,
To make tea
And I thought
Of the day when you brought me hot chocolate
I can't believe I ever forgot that
You do the smallest nice things,
Or I guess you did
Because we're not friends anymore
But you did the smallest nice things
So small that one could easily miss them
And I,
I miss them
I miss you
So much

I'd like to bring you tea on Monday
But unfortunately we can't even look at each other

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Too busy for
Love?
I-
I never thought I'd say that about myself.

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Write out the fuckery,
The anger,
The hate,
Breathe in understanding,
Love,
Freedom,
And then you will find
That
You
Are
...
Freed
You are you,
You are here,
You are now,
And you Will Not Change,
No matter what They might want
So what are you waiting for?
Write
And be

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Wanting to cry for a life I've never known.
Wanting to mourn connections I've never had.
Wanting to feel heartache over pain I've never felt.

Why is so much of my life skirting by the edges of human existence?
Wishing for, hoping for, wanting a life like others
So close to feeling fully human
But maybe I am Pinocchio

Almost, but not
Quite.

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I want to write you a letter
But what am I to say?
That I fall in love a little more, each and every day?
That your beauty, beyond comprehension,
Could push the sun out the way?

I do not have a clue how to tell you
That I don't even know what to tell you
That I fall for you more every day

And I may be going in circles
But I don't even know what to say
Except that I'm falling more
Each and every day

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Ah,
My melancholy heart.
Running away from me again,
As it has.

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When I saw it was 11:11
I rushed to make a wish
And what I wished for it:

You

Just you

And I know that wishes don't come true
And I know that I'll never get you

But hey,
A girl has to hope, right?

Right?

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Aren't I a little too young
To be drowning myself in a liquor bottle?

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Long lay the world
In sin and error, pining
Till you appeared
And my soul felt its worth





There's not much more to say
Than
That

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