I've been thinking about you
Quite a bit
I'm not sure if I miss you
Is it possible to miss someone
You've never spoken to?

I don't even know if you're real
You're scary
But I don't mind
You told me you were a friend

I haven't seen you in months
Perhaps it's this **** medication
The doctors have prescribed me

I remember laying in a hospital bed
With a small light shining into the room
I saw you there
This was the first time I really saw you
You were a dark figure
With red eyes
And gruesome teeth
Some kind of mix between a devil
And a beast

I was crying
But I wasn't scared
I was just happy to know
You were there

Trying not to move
I laid still in my bed
There was an ache in my body
That was flowing from my head
I waited for your call
But it never came
I shut off the ******* phone
There was no one but me to blame
I held on too tight
I broke your fragile bones
I suffocated you with love
And you let out a silent groan
I heard every word
But I couldn't believe it was real
You wanted me to go
Did I just waste a year?

I tried to move on, I swear I did. But every time I held her waist I didn't feel the tingle that I get with you, and every time I kissed her I didn't taste the sweetness that appeared when you and I kissed. She didn't want to read poetry with me, she didn't get it like you did. She didn't understand why I laughed every time I saw the bronzer stain on my carpet, or why the basement wasn't a safe place anymore. She doesn't understand who am I like you do - like you did.

There are so many reasons
To never get out of bed
So many reasons
To give up
But then I remember
The reasons to wake up
When I hear that song
It reminds me of that night
When I made out with a girl
On her couch
While she was in a relationship
I remember driving to the bad part of town
To pick up some drugs
I remember the exciting things
That make me feel so alive
But I also remember the days
Spent in bed
Rereading my favorite book
And writing notes to you
I remember the reasons
I remember the reasons
I remember the reasons

April 15th, 2014
It snowed today for the first time in weeks. Is this an omen? I knew I could feel a certain darkness creep over me once more. School started at 8 o'clock this morning, I left at 8:30. It's magnificent and terrifying how feelings come and go and you cannot control it. No one can really control their emotions, they can only neglect them. My feelings are a rollercoaster and I'm afraid of heights. I fear to feel. The way I behave never seems to be good enough. It's tiresome when you work so hard for so long but your job is still not done. Will I ever get a break? Will I ever get to sleep? Maybe when I'm dead.