Watching the
cactus grow
Not very exciting
And very slow,
Time for me
Is an exercise
The numbers
Are different
Which is no surprise.
Boredom is an awful pain
Loneliness makes you fragile
Everything’s the same.
Thoughts are like
A bowl of vegetable soup
Jumping back and forwards
Through a very small loop.
Hope I don’t live to see
Another day
So Im waiting for god
To take my breath away.

I wish I could write
Proper poetry
Me and me cat
Just smile
She’s just woken up
And me pet mouse
Has run a mile.
Im reading  poetry by
Wordsworth
A bit of Byron to
When it comes to
To writing poetry
I haven’t got a clue.
Wandered lonely as a cloud
Been doing that everyday
Stuck with ******
Romeo and Juliet
Inside a Shakespeare play.
Poetry poetry
I have not a clue
Me and my stylus
We go a bit askew.

Im guilty as charged
I’ve committed a sin
Im keeping my sin
Tightly within
Actually I would
Rather not
I had *** with the
Wife’s sister
She’s rather hot.
I don’t even like her
The nether regions
We’re warm
All this is going to do
Is kick up a storm.
Shall I let it run
its ugly course
Keep my sin to myself
Looks like we’re heading
For divorce
What the future holds
I shall ponder and dread
All I can say her sister
Is great in bed.

Solitary clouds
Do collide.
Sometimes
It’s risky
To take
The ride.

Solitary clouds
Combine in the
Sky,
Listen to the rain
She Will sing
Just take a risk
Let loving begin.

Solitary clouds
Create the weather
For you and I
To be together.

Solitary clouds
We our no more
Like the snow
White and pure.

When the heavens open
And we step inside
Was it beautiful
To take that ride.

I am at my happiest
When I do not exist
I can wander
The underworld
Unruly and
******* ******.
Up on the walls
Are All the signs
Me I do not exist
Im still drinking wine.
Don’t do this
Don’t do that
At every corner
A witch with a cat.
Wandering the underworld
Not reading the signs
All my demons
Are being revived
By the wine
Walking the nightmares
I do not exist
Opened up another bottle
I am at my happiest.

My Spartan woman
Strong of heart
Very tenacious
Smile so bright
My Spartan woman
My guiding light.
Woman of power
Astute of brain,
She’s my shield
When the arrows rain.
My Spartan woman
The queen of love
Even the stars
Look in awe above,
Lots of respect
Hold high in esteem
My Spartan woman has O C D
And just wants to clean.

He was old
And died
He was old
Now in our
House it’s going
To be cold
Minus one.

I’ve watched
You
from afar
Every morning
I do admire
Your
lovely stride
And
quirky
Attire.
Then you
disappear
Through that
Revolving door
Only to reappear
Roundabout four,
I work in the cafe
Across the street
Wishing one day
That we shall meet,
Ten years have gone by
Valentine’s Day is
Always the same,
Every year such
A shy and
crying shame,

Not very lucky
Feels like life’s a fake
Everybody is
against me,
It’s like
sliding down
A razor blade
Using my testicles
As brakes.

Hooking every
Diamond geezer
This lovely lady
This  eyeball pleaser.

Always smiling
Always funny
No need for credit
No need for money.

Eyes so blue
Lips so red,
Every diamond geezer
She willing to bed.

Dresses so stylish
Oh so chic
Natures beauty
Natures freak.

Long blonde hair
A smile to cherish
Loving Medusa
You will surely perish.

Knew a man
With no arms
No legs
Held down
A good job
He thought
It was great,
This man was
Employed as a
Paperweight .

A voice came in from
the deep blue sea,
From a ghostly old
Sea dog lost at sea.,
I was to carry his voice
I was to be the host,
To find his lady who
Lived once on the rugged coast.
Many cliffs I willingly climbed
With a wide smile on my face,
Till I came to a graveyard
A sweet quaint old quiet place.
There was once his widow
His wonderful beautiful bride,
I relayed his voice to her
Now alongside her
he now resides.
When I visit the seaside
And look pleasingly out to sea,
The voice of the old sea dog
Says thank you to me.

Sailing round
The world
In a tin bath
Me and Fred
Thought it
Would be
A crazy laugh.
We put in a mast
We made a sail
Bloke in the
Yacht club
Said we were
doomed to fail,
All the sailors
Just Stood in awe
When we set of
we had forgotten
The oars.
This didn’t
Dampen our mood
Then Fred popped up
And said
We haven’t  packed
The food,
Hip hip hooray
From the jetty cries
Hundred yards out
Yes you guessed it
We -ucking capsized

Got myself in a bit of a mess
Insult William the conqueror
I do confess
He wasn’t pleased
He felt a bit sick
I started the war in 1066.

Spanish armada
Francis drake
I sunk all the ships
It’s just  deep fake.

Great Britain is my home
It has a mighty roar
I got up to a bit of
Mischief
And caused a civil war.

Boer war
I had to settle a score
We had a fight
We called a truce
With my mate Bruce
It was a honourable  draw.

I was on HMS Victory
Cruising up the Nile
I caused a bit of raucous
It made old  Nelson smile.

I caused the First World War
Bucket and ***** in hand
I was on holiday
Accidentally
killing my best mate
Archduke Ferdinand .

Sitting at home in 39
Bored with nothing
To do
That’s where I had the
Idea
To start World War Two

Troubled I was
I needed to play
Crossed the ocean
Went to the USA
There I concocted
My next mischievous
Plan
I got the Americans to
Invade Vietnam.

Hope I haven’t offended
With this  bravado rhyme
I just me despicable me
You got it  Im
Planning world war three.

Ride a white swan
Life’s lost its charm
Take some ******
Then self harm
Please don’t judge
Me with scorn
Never really given a ****
Since the day
I was born.

Isolation
*******
Fill the screen
With ****
Never really given a ****
Since the day
I was born

Then one day
I had a bit of luck
Turning of the tide
Then the world engulfed
Me yes
I died.
Was I an
Angel with a ***** face
Or was I just
Misplaced .

Window cleaner
Cleaned many
a pane,
What I’ve seen
Would put
Babe station
to shame.
People having
A meal for two,
Up on me ladder
I had a perfect view.
Through peoples
Windows I had
To clean,
Eye sore
carnal pleasure,
Do you know
What I mean,
Me ladders
A treasure.

Me and my woman
We our stuck in a duel
I light the fire
She pours on the fuel.
Ranting and raving
We’re still misbehaving
There’s never a day
When she’s got nothing
To say
I don’t think we shall
Have it any other way.
She wrote on a note
Now it still wears thin
In this duel I shall
Always win.
Okay with me
That’s perfectly fine on
One sunny day I’ll
Poison your wine.

One legged man
In a **** kicking
Match,
Throwing the
Javelin for
The athlete
To catch,
This sport
Don’t appeal
A lot
The participants
Have to head
but the shot.
110 metres
Hurdles
In a wheelchair
Blind tennis
Players
playing
In pairs.
Long jump
In a sandpit
Of nails
I think these
Sports will
Certainly fail.

To people who
Read my doggerel rhymes
And ask me time from time
And by e mail ask to respond,
I don’t have anything
Intelligent to say
I do apologise
It’s just the way.

Birthdays have lost
There happiness
Playgrounds gates
Have closed
Corruptive politicians
Are going unopposed.

Where will the children play
When trolls and hatred
Have there wicked way
Definitely not on
Social media
Where lots of them
become prey.

Children become adults
Social media is their addiction
Lots of propaganda
Lots of friction
Where will the adults play
When media has its way.

Doggerel is the way to go
Going to master the art
In the bad poetry show
Useless lyrics
Worthless rhyme
I’m getting better
Just give me time
Ditties are crazy
Limericks funny
Writing doggerel
I’m on the money.
Hey ****** ******
The cat had a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed
To see such fun so
The cat did a little bit more.
Are these the words of a
Doggerel poet
I’m  not very good and
I think I know it.

Memoirs of Brian the snail
A story is attached
Where he left a trail,
Happenings were of the scale
In the life of Brian the snail.
Memoirs were written
Stories did unfold
Of Brian the snail
A killer and cold.
His adversary in his memoirs
He Would plug
Was his nemesis
Freddie the slug,
A trail of destruction
Till Freddie was dead
Brian had done his job
That’s what  his memoirs read..

Living the dream
Im Mr Munch
stuck
In the
scream.

I am dandy
A little
bit queer
Im Frans Hal
The laughing
Cavalier.

I am beautiful
I like to sing
Vermeer said
I could be
The girl with
A pearl earring.

Leonardo’s
Eyeball pleaser
Forever smiling,
I am Mona Lisa

Rembrandt
What have
you done
Look you ****
Im not the
prodigal son.

John Mahler Collier
His brush strokes
Went of course
I am
Lady Godiva
On a white horse.

Electric, electric man
Why do you make me cry
I will -ucking tell you
Your Prices are too high.

Gasman gasman
You to make me cry
Bring down your prices
The cold makes people die.

Sainsbury’s Tesco’s
You to make me cry
Profiteering *******
Food can’t be priced
This high.

All you brexeteers
Who voted let’s get out
Blame it on the Russians
Was this to a good shout.

Labour ,conservatives
got into bed with the reds
Now cap in hand to the
Americans just to get fed.

It’s all reverting back
To the bad old days
Where rich suppressed
The poor
We all know
what happened there
Two world wars.

Why are we feeding arms
It makes us lots of money
Depramental to our own
Health it’s sad
but really funny.

Madness and pain
Partners in crime
Only getting relief
A little at a time.

Joyful and love
It’s songful rap
I prefer to call it
The happiness trap.

Hope and despair
Highs and lows
Let these inside
Nothing will flow.

Truths and lies
They hide in prose,
When inside disguise.
Nothing grows

War and peace
Death and life
A Truce would
be like
Sliding down the
Edge of your knife.

Beatles or the Rolling Stones
Blur, oasis or the undertones
In life the music you choose
I prefer Rory Gallagher
Playing the blues.

Is this rather sinister
An alien is our
Prime Minister
A devouring
snake,
Voting it in
was a
Big
mistake.
Bit by bit
This
slithery diva
Canny **** this
Alien deciever,
Next election
I am going to
vote for
Sigourny Weaver.

Every morning
When you wake
My mornings
Come alive.
I Watch you dress
Put your make
Up on
I do smile as the
Day goes on.
Then at night
When you disappear
I begin to sulk
Having nothing
To leer.
When you return
And the lights go on
All your beauty
Is back where it belongs
In the morning I will
See you later
Your ever
loving
wallpaper.

Lovely woman
Of a million suns
All the
planets cower,
This lonely earth
is covered
In hate,
Please takeaway
And devour.
Lovely woman
Of a million suns
I am but a beginner
Could you see it
For me to pick a
Horse’y winner.
Lovely woman
of a million suns
Your mightiness
Is true
Could it be possible
For me to make
Love to you.
We be an item
have
Thousands more
suns
Now who
could refuse
All that burning fun.

Cryptic crossword compiler
Suddenly died.
Police
the autopsy people
Never knew why.
The crossword  compiler
Was a clever dude
Left the police lots
Off clues
Autopsy could not
shed no light
Detectives they to
not so bright.
Suicide no no no
Poison just a
step to low.
So do you want to
Know how he met his maker
Answer will be in
tomorrows paper.
If your reading this
And at a loss
Visit the cemetery
He’s buried there
Three down and two across.

Feels like
your drifting
Slip sliding away
The ball
started rolling,
The drifter
in you needs
To go out
and play.
The smiles
have gone
Replaced
by frowns
Go with
my blessing
And create
new sounds,
New horizons,
Views what you see
Please find in your
Heart to drift
back to me.

I can’t get you
Out of my mind
When I needed,
You were so kind.
Act of kindness
Done with style
In my mind this
Will stay awhile
Beautiful thoughts
You are so kind
I just can’t get
You out of my mind.

Call my dog
Broken glass
Because he is
always
Licking his
****** nose.

Had a little budgie
Thought it was
A canary
This little non
Yellow bird
We called our Fred

Had a big cat
Furry and pink
When it shat
It would ******
Well smell
like odour
Cologne.
Nurse nurse where are you
It’s not me it’s disturbing
Be grateful lunatic
I’m coming to get you
Okay you heartless *****
Give me a kissy mummy.

Hippos and the Elephants
Arranged a charity
football match
The pitch was laid
Goals were put in
Supporters came along
Wow they could sing.
Hippos won the toss
Decided to
Kick of
Left to
right.
The whistle
blew
The game
was tight.
A slow drawn affair
Played into the night,
Sixty ***** later
Everything trampled
Insight.
The referee blew the
Final whistle and
Started a fight.
0-0 was the final score
Nine hours of play
For a ****** draw,
Next match is between
The alligators
And the lions
This is a ticket
Im not buying.

Send in the clowns
They have big red shoes
Highly paid people
It’s a laugh what they do.
Changing the theatre of dreams
To the big top
Send in the clowns
And sack the lot.
If Fergie was dead
He would turn in his grave
His beloved United
Can it be saved.
If these clowns don’t know
What to do
Bring back the class of
Ninety two.

Being tried for ******
In the first degree
Execution is waiting
Waiting for me.
Finally to get rid of
The monster
That lives inside,
I know Im not guilty
They won’t know I lied.

The devil and I
Are saying goodbye
We’re calling it a day,
Life’s gone colourless
Life’s gone grey
Me and the devil
Have nothing to say.
The world spins
Around my ego
No halo on my head
Our relationship
Is so
pleasingly dead.
I’m of to pastures knew
Holding my hand didn’t
Know what to do
Guess what inside
another
Devil grew,
This Devil inside
Ruined all my fun
With catastrophic
Outcome
Blew my
head of
With his
own gun.
The devil and I
have
said our
Last goodbyes.

People see us everywhere
Me and my lady friend
We don’t really care
With our feet
We walk the streets
Ramble amble everyday
It’s always been our
Quirky way,
People we meet and greet
Are sometimes nice
And sometimes rude,
Sometimes they wish
They were like
us
Walking with out
A care in
the ****.

You look at me
With a naughty smile
Shall I go or
Stay awhile.
This the conundrum
I have to work out
You are an enigma
A twisted mood
Entice me in
with a smile and food.
Do I accept
Or do I exclude,
You look at me
If I was prey
You smile
Like a game
In which
you play
It’s addictive but
Not much to say,
I smile back
And think I’ll decline
And  so live
another day.

Promenade amblers
Ice cream lickers
Life guard savers
Beach ball kickers.
Deck chair sitters
Bikini wearers
Lovely ladies
Summer starers.
Sand castle makers
Fish and chips
For tea
A cuddle on
The ferris wheel
For you and me.
People playing
In the penny arcade
My memories
of summer
Will never fade.

Im a ******
Fruity cake
Narcissistic
I’m a fake.
Im bombastic
Un fantastic
Non aspire
A very good liar.
Im offensive
Very defensive
Self harmer
Non charmer.
Sick in the head
Not easily led
Sharp as a spoon
A capable loon.
Im a teaser
Not an appeaser
Im not well
Reading this
you can tell.
To all those trackers
I have to say,
My profile is
Im just crackers.

Lost as lost
As lost can be
Squares are
Fitting into circles,
This is confusing me.
Running thoughts are
Scattered inside
My  broken mind
Life has flipped and
Gone unkind,
The scent of my lover
I shall not smell
The unforgivable *****
Ran off to hell.
She needed a devil
She needed fun but
Im going for a coffee
And a hot cross bun.

Act one

Im being haunted
By my brother Mike
He was an *******
But weirdly well liked.
A character and
a bad dude
Quite intelligent
Really lewd.
Typically funny
Given a chance
He’d steal your money
He was well liked
My brother Mike.

Act two

My brother Mike
Saw the light
Somehow the
God squad
Thought he
was alright.
I tried to tell them
They were wrong
That
Robbing them blind
Wouldn’t take long.

Act three

Having a heart
Bitter and cold
The god squad
Fell into his
Charming fold.
I think god finally
Got his way
Likeable ****
Never lasted the day,
Heart attack banged
His head
Hospital calling
In act four
Finally dead.

Act five

He was a my brother
A nasty shrike,
Gullible people
They would like.
They would give
him
All there
money
Im still being
haunted and
Still finding it funny.

DRIP

Walked a
crooked mile
Climbed a
crooked stile
Had a
crooked we we
All with a
crooked smile.
Went through
a crooked door
Said hello to
my crooked wife
I’ve never
been so
crooked Drunk
in my entire life.
Fell into my
crooked bed
Then the room
went crooked
Inside my
Spinning head
Then up come
the crooked Food
that I been
duly fed
I’d been to a
Crooked party
Hosted by
Crooked people
In a city
Called Salisbury
That has a
Crooked steeple.

Seas will boil
Mountains crumble
Planet still turning
Inhabitants are burning.
There’s no room
For doom and gloom
Just raise a glass and smile
Rivers will run dry
The sky will not cry
Earth still turning
Crops are burning
There’s no room
for doom and gloom
Just raise a glass and smile
Four seasons collide
Explode into one
Mass extinction
Has just begun
There’s no room
For doom and gloom
Just raise a glass and smile
Humanity dies
New life will form
From the heart of midnight
To the break of dawn
There’s no room
For doom and gloom
So raise a glass and kiss my ****
And give a little smile.

I got my kicks
On route 67
She lived at
The top
Of my
stairway
To heaven.
Her lust for life
Second to none
She was my pretty woman
In her house of fun.

Loving her was
A coming Of age
Beauty personified
My teenage rampage,
Very sweet she’s truly
Alive wow she loved my
Dimblegate drive.

I got my kicks
Out of route 68
I gave her all my
Loving
When I was at her gate.
We Get it on
we did not fret
High on the happy side
I made her wet wet wet.

I got my kicks
on route 69
That’s where
Rhiannon
My pretty woman
Didn’t walk the line

Got my kicks
on route 70
Up that stairway
I did get
plenty,
Her loving arms
My jailhouse rock
Use your imagination
I’ll do anything
For love but
I won’t do that.

Afraid of you
Yes I am
Your like a grenade
In a bake bean can.
Volatile excited loon
Your the lead weight
Inside a big fat balloon,
Your the fire from
The lighted candle
Very lovely to hard
To handle.
Electric wire
In a bucket of water
I think I’d be hung up and
Lovingly tortured.
For me you sweetheart
To many ifs and buts,
So Im going to decline
And you can keep
Your legs shut.

Anti this
anti that
Anti woke
Anti fat.
Anti religion
Anti despair
Anti believing
Anti care.
Anti ladies
Anti men
Anti love
Anti hate
Anti karma
Anti fate.
Anti freedom
Anti law
Anti justice
Anti life
Anti the guy
Who ****** my wife.
Actually he was cool.

Met a little man
And his little son
Met a little girl
Met her little mum
They had a little house
It seems such fun.
They had a little garden
With flowers and a swing
With my big foot
I squashed everything.
Big friendly giant
Yes Thats me
Clumsy as ****
Don’t you agree.

I dance with my shadow
Im so ******* alone
I feel like a skeleton
Stripped to the bone.
My emotions are in turmoil
I fight to stay alive
I need someone to love
So I can thrive.
Where do’s  someone play
When avenues  are closed
This is the conundrum
When life is froze.

Poor poor Lilly
Tattered and torn
Been this way
From the day
She was born,
Had a family
Of  Jackals  and
Nasty Crows
No one took interest
In poor Lillies woes.
Life was hard there
Was no relief
The abuse got bad
Went beyond belief.
Lilly had a white dress
It was her party
Her 21st
She invited all her family
To quench their thirst.
Everybody was there
Abusers and all
Then to her,
she made
The right call
She stood on the table
And with aplomb
Pressed the button on
Her phone and off
Went the bomb.
The house of the Jackals
The house of the Crows
There now a piece of land
Where nothing grows.