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Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
I apologize
Over and over again
But I shouldn't.
It's your fault.
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2019
Trust
That He will give you
Great blessings
In His own time.
Waiting on blessings is hard, but it's worth it. I need that reminder more than anyone.
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2020
It's at the end of the day
When you've spent hours
Telling people you're fine
That you have a plan
That's when the music ends
And the car starts
And you let go
And the sobs come out
And the cold wind
Whips the colder tears against your face
Like a never ending wave
And your heart beats faster
And you remember
That no one knows
They don't know
How broken you really are
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2017
I am sick
Of feeling down
Like an anvil is on my chest

I am tired
Of your voice grinding my eardrums
Making me feel
Unworthy

I am done
With this lifestyle
That I have been living

I hate
This view
You have of me
As if I am less than dirt

You told me
To gain confidence
Learn to speak my mind

So this is me telling you
I'm sick of your lies
I'm tired of your voice
I'm done with this place
*I am done with you
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2016
I dreamed a dream
One summer night
As I lay down to sleep
Of gold and white
Of faith and sight
Of sunsets, and sunbeams

And in this dream,
My soul rose up
Awoken from my bed
A ghost of good
Of better times
Came to lift my head

Through the window
Pane I gazed,
The sight had once been black
But now a blue,
It shining, blazed
I smiled, it smiled back

In this vortex
Of brilliance
I gazed yet more and more
I saw a tale
Of times to come
It burned me to the core

I saw mountains
So vast and tall
Their tops would cut the sky
And valleys deep
Spotted with sheep
No artist could deny

I saw a king
No majesty
Ever could describe
Sitting on high
His foes would die
To just escape his eye

I saw a crowd
Of people bow
To lay down at His feet
And sing all day
Of glorious praise
And of His Mercy Seat

He bent down low
To whisper, then,
Of times that were to come
Of no more tears
Or sighs or fears
Exceeding joy and then some

I gazed around
And I noticed
A man off to the side
He opened up
His arms to me
A man so sweet and kind

He held me tight
When I could see
No way to carry on
He whispered, then
Of comfort, and
He hugged me til the dawn

I saw there as
He held me close
A group of children, too
A blonde, a boy
Two brunette girls
And all with eyes of blue

And in my dream
I saw a house
And not just an abode
A place where I
Could safely lie
A place that I call home

I woke up, then
To find myself
Laying in my bed
The dreams of night
Gave to daylight
And all flew from my head

I swung my legs
Out from my bed
And shook off all the gray
That seemed to cling
And needless bring
The shrouds of yesterday

I saw the day
Within a light
That to me was quite new
A light of hope
And daydreams and
It led me straight and true

Depression, then
Seemed not as dark
As it had the day before
Still, it was there
A whispered prayer
A knocking at my door

I gripped my sword
And rose up, then,
In all my little might
The king I saw
His sword did draw
Twas He that won the fight

He pushed it back,
That dreadful black
And then He looked at me
His lips parted,
He imparted
Unto me these words:

"Darling, I am
Always with you
Never should you fear
Always, I will
Fight your fights,
My sweetheart, I am here."

"For fear and doubt
Or tears, or sighs
There will never be need
Do not you fear
For I am here,
My child, you have me"

"Forever and
For always, dear
You have all of me
My heart, my hands
My tears, my plans,
My daughter, wait and see"

He drifted, then
As a figment
Into the dreams of past
And winked an eye
Whispered 'goodbye'
Of Him, I saw the last

I see Him, though
Some sunny days
And as I walk through life
He pulls on strings
And gladly sings
Of His glorious afterlife.

I cannot wait
To see Him there
His presence to behold
His glory see
His love of me
I'll walk on streets of gold
In the words of someone better than I, "He will never leave us"
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2022
He wanted to tell her
That she looked lovely
Perfect
That her eyes in the evening sun
Looked like a Hazel paradise
That he didn't deserve her
He didn't deserve her
And that last truth
That he longed to whisper
Into her ear
Kept the words back
And his heart locked up
And all he said was
"You look fine"
Someone told me that other people find you 20% more attractive than you find yourself. I don't know if I believe that's true, but I guess I'll still holding onto the hope that someone will look at me and not hold in the words he wants to say out loud.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
2 years ago
I had this friend
Whom I have known for about 6 years now.
I remember just he and I were playing cards
Super late at night
Keeping each other company,
Having just admitted some past traumas to each other.
He started to speak
But then stopped
I asked him what he was going to say,
And he said that he'd been going to say something,
But I had started twisting my ring around my finger
And he knew
That I did that when I was anxious,
So he would keep it to himself
I didn't even realize that I did that.
I've never felt so known
I miss him.
Maybe we were in love in a way. I wrote poetry about him, and he told me that he thought I was beautiful. But we're no longer in love. I love him from afar, but scars and open wounds litter our skin from cutting each other, and we're better off apart. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel the urge to call him whenever I see a yellow house, or a set of cards or see blue moon beer bottles.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2022
If you were around
I'd tell you I love you
I wish I had
I would do better

If you were still here
I'd just pick up the phone
I wish I had
I would hug you tightly

If you weren't gone
I'd ask to spend time with you
I wish I had
I found out too late

If you were still with us
I'd kiss your wrinkled cheek
I wish I had
I didn't do it enough

If you were here
I would watch scifi with you
I wish I had
I never knew you loved it

If you were still on earth
I'd see you more often
I wish I had
The last time I saw you, you were so much thinner

If we still had you
I'd hug you longer
I wish I had
It all happened so fast

If I could see you now
I'd tell you I'm sorry
I wish I had
I didn't tell you how much I love you

If I could do it over
I'd tell you you're the only grandpa I remember
I wish I had
Now I have to love you from afar

If you could see me
You'd see my regret
I wish you could
All I want to do is see you

If I could see you again
I'd tell you about my day
I wish I had
We only spoke in passing

If we were face to face
I'd tell you I want you at my wedding
I wish I had
It's too late now

If we could see you again
You'd tell us not to cry
I wish you would
We miss you so much
I miss my pawpaw today. It's been 9 months, and I have so many regrets about his passing. I should have seen him more, tell him I loved him, etc. One day I will tell him I love him. I will talk to him, spend time with him, kiss his cheek, embrace him, see both my grandpa's together in a golden city. We won't cry, we won't have any regrets, just an eternal sunrise of bursting glory worshiping the one who gave us life. I love him so much, I can't wait to tell him that.
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2017
One day it will be over
One day the pain will stop
One day with every breath I take
My heart and soul won't drop

One day I'll breathe again
With ease I'll find my sleep
One day our trials will go away
We'll finally get some peace

One day these walls won't know my tears
As well as they do now
But here I'm barely staying here
I'm trying not to drown

We're held back by hard "what ifs"
And chained by cold "somedays"
If I can say anything, it's that
One day we'll be okay
This won't last forever. One day He will come and we will ride on chariots of pure light and know nothing but bliss for eternity.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022
Everybody talks about
The ones who fall in love
They kiss and cry
And live and die
Life they never dreamed of

But nobody talks about
The time that comes before
The heartbreak and
The loneliness
Your heart out on the floor

Even when the sun comes up
Your left in misery
Your eyes red-rimmed
Your crawling skin
It's all a mystery

Sometimes you can be just fine
And have a normal day
Then you get home
You're all alone
You want to hide away

"Is there something wrong with me"
Your heart whispers too loud
And suddenly
And sullenly
You're with misery endowed

You're walking down a busy street
You pass a window pane
You see yourself
But not yourself
And all that's there is pain

"Your belly rolls, your neck's too thick"
You chastise yourself
Before you know
It, any glow
Falls in upon itself

Your tears fall down, flooding out
You wonder what is wrong
They just don't see
All your beauty
And what was there is gone

You try to find a better way
To finally fall in love
Before you know,
Here comes the snow
And you are still alone

"Someone's out there," they all say,
"He's waiting just for you"
It never helps
Nor even quells
The place you're going through

Weddings, anniversaries
You don't enjoy them all
But sometimes you
See joy and truth
When rice and flowers fall

But then there's always going home
You have to face the day
With fake smile off
You go to bed
And cry your makeup off.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022
Someday
I'm going to go running through a field of flowers
I won't worry about bugs
Or sweating
Or needing my inhaler

Someday I'm going to spend Christmas in Switzerland
The glowing lights
Warm fires
The mountains

Someday I'm going to
Go back to Mount Rainier
Take the same path as before
Take in the beauty
Take My time remembering
That this is what beauty looks like

Someday I'm going to fall in love
We will laugh
And take pictures
And spend Sunday afternoons curled up on the couch

Someday I'm going to live on a huge farm
My whole family will be with me
We will grow
Plants, food, and each other
And revert to mankind's oldest way to receive food

Someday
I'm going to have kids of my own
To raise
And love
And teach to love God

But if Someday were today,
Someday I'd have a quiet afternoon
Alone
But that's okay
Eat some good food
And let my mind rest from earning
All the other "Somedays"
That will come along one of these days
I want to travel the world. I want to walk through the misty trees in the mountains. I want my feet to dangle again off a balcony at 2am over the ocean listening to the seals wake up. I want to see water so clear and fresh that I can't help but jump in. But I suppose for today, it's enough that I've eaten well and I can rest my eyes for a few hours until the work week begins all over again.
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2019
Often the choices that are the hardest to
Make are the ones that lead us to
Better things
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
I know that leaving you was
For the best but God
Does it ache to be alone
My best friend of 20 years "broke up" with me. We've decided to not be best friends anymore. She has so many people to love her instead of me, but now I'm alone in this city, and I've never been like that in my life. I am afraid, and this hurts, and the only difference is that now I have no one to tell.
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2020
For so long
I've remembered all the bad things
I've remembered how much we fought
There near the end
How hard it was
How many days
And nights
I sat
Sobbing
In my room
Ten feet from yours
And wishing I had never come
All the mornings
With puffy eyes
Hoping it would be
My last day
And the long nights
With empty lungs
Hoping it would all be a dream when I awoke
But I'm tired
I'm so tired
I'm tired of remembering it that way
I can't seem to let go of this bitterness in my heart, eating me up inside. It's been a year today. I know we are both better apart, and right now, my biggest worry is sleep, but there are still times when I see your name on my phone, and remember how it all went wrong.
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2020
Its been a year
And I finally know
What went wrong
You didn't know how to love
And I didn't realize
So I always felt
That I had to earn you
And I was never good enough
On Easter marked the one year anniversary of a huge turning point in my life. A turning point that was in the making for 20 years. And it's okay to remember that it was hard. I still remember the long nights crying in my room wondering what I would do without you. And I'm not saying that it doesn't make me feel sad when I think about how awful it was, but I think we are both more peaceful when we are apart. I'm sure those of you who follow my poetry are probably sick of seeing my poems about the same instance, but to be honest, as hard as it was, I don't want to forget. And poetry isn't about pleasing the crowd. It's about turning the tune of your soul into written words.
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2015
If I could write a poem
From the notes of a song
A song near
And dear
To
My beating heart

And plucked out by
My heart strings,

I would write a novel

But alas
They are just notes
And these - majestic words.
I was trying to think of a poem I could write, and all that came to my mind were the piano notes to a song I wrote. If only...
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2019
All I want to do
Is tell someone
Scream to the world
How sad
And angry
And bitter
And hurt I am
But nobody is listening
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2015
Outside
Warm breeze
Birds fly
Thick as thieves
Sun shines
Through the leaves
I want to go outside.

Outside
Fire place
His arms
Around me lace
Through long grass
He will chase
Me-I want to go outside.
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023
It's almost time to go home
It won't be long now
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2019
I thought we were an endless ocean
*But even waves break upon the shore
Feeling melancholy today. I'm moving, and I think I just know that this part of my life will be over soon.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2017
It hurts constantly
But at least it's constant.
I've been dealing with this pain for so long, and I guess that so many things in my life change, but this...this is forever. It's always been there. And it hurts me constantly, but at least it's constant.
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2020
I went in search of
Something
A daydream
Wrapped in a mystery
Surrounded by if's and maybe's
But I found instead
A revelation
Perhaps it found me
A reminder of
A life that I have not yet lived
A life I still want to
Marisa Lu Makil May 2018
I know it's coming
The golden days
But right now
It is stormy
And my oh my I can't wait
For the open road
The trees rushing by
The wind in my hair
And peace at last
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2022
It comes to all of us
That fear
That maybe
We were meant
To be alone
To just fade away
Until no one remembers you
Except in fleeting summer thoughts
Of yesterday
That everyone
We meet
We push away
But it's all
Every bit
A matter of patience
And understanding
Patience to find ways to cope
And understanding
That it may not come
In the way you think it will
Counseling a friend of mine, and he is struggling with this right now. But I think we all at some point wonder if we are meant to be alone forever.
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2016
People love a poem they can relate to

People love a poem they can define for themselves.

People love a poem their heart sings to

A poem they can pick up off the shelf
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2017
Something doesn't have to last forever
To be perfect
Some things
Are only for the now
And oh, how much more precious
They are made
Because of it
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2020
Maybe
A word that ricochets in my mind
Maybe we weren't meant to meet
Or maybe I wasn't meant to break your favorite spoon
It was all a fantasy
We just meet way too soon
Maybe
You weren't meant to whisper "I love you" when we sat up at night
Watching the stars
And seeing the clouds swiftly covering the harvest moon
Maybe
We weren't meant to spend happy Sunday mornings
Dancing around the kitchen
Drinking coffee
And laughing at your funny ties
Maybe we weren't meant to see that side of each other yet
Maybe we met too soon
And there's a hundred maybes waiting for us
But for now
All we have
Is that hard echo
Of "Maybe you weren't for me"
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
Every photo
Has a memory of its
Own to hold its hand
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2016
I've known you for years,
But you don't know me
I've listened to you play
But you don't notice
I've seen you every week
But you don't see me
I speak to you sometimes
But we don't talk

It makes me wonder
If you knew me
If you could see me
Hear me
If we talked
Would you still like me?

If you looked up
From those piano keys
Would you even notice I was here?
This guy at my church.
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2015
I wish I could write a poem

About that song I heard.

The one that is happy

And sad

And childish

And adultish

But there are no words.

Just your fingers

Playing with the piano

Plucking at my heart.

Oh well.

I will think of something else.
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
You think you can play
With my heart but you cannot
My heart is my own.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
It is not
Within
My
Power
To remove myself
From the loving hands
Of the living God.
Reciting this like a mantra recently. I'm trying so hard to remember this. I feel like I've disappointed Him in so many ways. I've sinned and rebelled again and again and I truly can't believe that anyone could  love me enough to save me from myself. I don't even love myself that much. And I try hard to remember that my feelings do not overcome His power,  so I just lay in the dark, whispering "Please, Please, Please don't leave me" until I fall asleep.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
If I were to write
A poem of me
Would be dark as night
And bright as the sea

If I were to write
A poem myself,
I'd compare my heart
To an empty shelf.

Nothing to speak of
As far as stories go
When it comes to love life,
I've nothing there to show.

If I were to write
A poem of my life
I would talk of hurt
Of anger and of strife.

But there's one more thing
I would write about
If I gave myself
A heart-felt shout out

If I were to write
A poem about me
I would write of love
Not something you can see

I have been so loved
Throughout my whole life
That sometimes it even
Outdoes all the strife.

The love of God, my father
Is greater even still
Than any of the anger
That echoes Satan's will.

When my heart has fallen
And I can't get back up
He sets me on my way again
He overflows my cup

So if I were to write
A poem about me
I'd write of love unbounding
Dark and shining like the sea.
The meter isn't quite what I would like it to be, but it came from my heart.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
The who
Write it for yourself

The what
Write your life
Your love
Your hate
Your feelings

The why
Write because you want to
Not for the *trending
tag
Or the liked heart

The when
Write whenever you want
Whenever the emotions invading
Your
Mind
Are so strong that you just
Can't
Breathe anymore

The where
Write on walls
On the hearts
Of loved ones
On paper
On keys of a computer
On your arms
And
Legs
Anywhere words will fit
Poetry is not to be labeled,
So don't try.
Just write.
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2020
Yeah
Being away from you hurts
The memories we shared
Still stain the backs of my eyelids
But now
I get to make new memories
With better people
Memories
That don't bring tears
To my eyes
And memories
That don't make me wonder
Why I wasn't enough
I want to start writing more poems with rhyming and the same canter etc, but I'm struggling to find motivation and inspiration. 😒
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2016
Find something to do
Do what's asked of you
Speak when spoken to
Take what's offered you
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2019
All we are is Ash
And dust of a city of
Words never spoken
{Haiku}
2nd poem of the all we are series.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
I open the door
It's been a long day
But a smell drifts down the stairs
That reminds me
Of Sunday afternoons
Family dinners
And warm food in my belly
Fall naps
And stealing a sip of mom's drink
It's just apple juice
But only her and dad get some
I walk upstairs
And slip off my shoes
Tired
And hang my purse on the hook in the wall
Before going to open the oven.
The heavenly smell increases
A smell of the past
A smell of memories
Of family
I pull the *** out of the oven and cautiously open the lid.
I'm washed over with old memories
As I inhale the smell of cooked veggies, roast, and red wine vinegar.
I reach in with some tongs and it falls apart
Soft
Perfect
Ready to eat
And when I take a bite
All I can think about is my mom
And Sunday afternoons
And that last sip of apple juice.
When I was a kid, Sundays after church we would always have dinner as a family. My mom would cook something special because it was Sunday, and we always got to have ice cream afterwards. That was our Sunday routine. We would have a quiet time or nap time afterwards, and spend the evening in peace and quiet. My mom makes the absolute best potroast, and I remember walking into the house after church and just smelling her cooking all ready to eat once we changed back into our normal clothes. I haven't been doing well. But on a whim, I decided to make my mom's recipe for potroast, and taking a bite of it healed me in a few places. I'm not doing well, but I'm gonna be alright.
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2020
Often times
Parts of us
Need to be snipped off
Discarded
So that we can grow
And bloom
More
With each withered leaf
Each yellow branch
Each broken extension
Gives another place
Reserved for growth
You will learn
And evolve
And reach
To bigger things
All you have to do
Is trim away
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2017
Pray
Pray even if you don't speak out loud
Even if you've never prayed before
Even if all you do is say "Thank you"
Even if you fall down on your knees
Begging for peace

Pray
Pray even if you can't feel Him near
Even if He hasn't spoken back
Even if all you do is let tears fall
Even if you raise up your hands to Him
And ask forgiveness

Pray
Pray even if you haven't seen Him
Even if you haven't felt His hand
Even if  you scream in anger
Even if you have lost all your strength
And any hope

Pray
Pray even if you have nothing left
Even if you have been hurt badly
Even if you think He hates you
Even if you don't think He hears you
He will listen

Just speak to Him
We have a great creator who is always ready and willing to listen to our prayers, and all He wants is for us to speak to Him.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2017
Let me hear your lovingkindness in the morning
Let me taste your goodwill in the evening

For I trust in you
I trust you with all that I am
I trust you when I awake
And when I lie down

Teach me the way in which I should walk
I cannot walk alone
Without your help
Without your hands

For to you I lift my soul
I give my heart
I give my soul
I give me life
To you
To the one who has saved me
Time and again

Let me hear your lovingkindness in the morning
For I trust in you
Teach me the way in which I should walk
For to you I lift up my soul
Based on Psalm 143:8
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2019
We have traded ourselves
For a sculpture
Made up of
A 20" waist
And a pawned off face
That girl that you wish you were- the one who is "pretty enough" with her high cheek bones, lucius lips, bright eyes, tiny waist, white teeth, enchanting smile, tan skin- she is your only enemy. She is the only one telling you that you aren't "pretty enough". And you might not be "pretty enough" for these ignorant fakers, but you are beautiful. Never let yourself believe that you are any less.
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2018
And it was there
Deeply submerged
In darkness
And despair
That my soul sang
An old song
And I came home
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2017
I can't promise many things
A country house
Wedding rings

I can't promise all that much
To love you forever
Or to bring you stuff

I can't promise you the sky
Or to be your friend
Or to never lie

I can't promise you'll be the first
To hear my doubts
Or heal your hurt

I can't promise I'll always be there
To give you comfort
Or secrets to share

I can't promise I'm not a mess
But I can promise I'll do my best.
I can't promise to fix all of your problems, but I can promise you that you won't have to face them alone.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2016
You told me
"It will be the same"

You told me
"No, nothing will change"

You told me
"That was yesterday"

You told me
"I will always stay"

You said to me
"I love you, dear"

You told me
You were always near

You promised me
You'd hold me close

An eternity
Of hot cocoa's

Of all the things
You said to me

The promises
You spoke and breathed

Of all the lies
That you told me

This one was the worst

You promised me
"We're always friends"

You told me this
Would never end

You said to me
"Just stay with me"

But it was you
Who did the leaving
My shoulders ache, my bones forlorn
I don't recall my acts this morn'


I've purple bags beneath my eyes
My head's in pain from midnight cries

My back–it hurts, my jaw is tight
I know I didn't sleep last night

My demons came to call again
Lying to me about my friends

With weary blinks and bleary eyes
I sit right here and I realize


I don't remember what it's like
To not be so exhausted.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2022
Father give me strength
When I cannot be brave
And Lord please take my hand
When I stumble away
You are all I have
In this world that seems so pale and gray
Lord, you are great

Shepherd, you have led me
When I go astray
Gentle, meek protector
You've conquered the grave
Comfort and my hope
You have held my head above the waves
God you are great

Maker of creation
You hold me in your hand
King of all the nations
You lift me up to stand
All Sanctification
Is bleeding from your nails of grace
King, you are great

Author of my story
You write what I can't see
Father of all glory
You live what I can't be
Taking inventory
Of all the things that I will be
Christ you are great

Leader of my heart
Give me grace like boundless seas
Not only in part
You hold my eternity
Even when I start
To slip you will hold me fast and sweet
Jesus you are great

Healer of my wounds
Lift me high and bind me up
When my heart eludes
You rise and fill my cup
Gently as you soothe
You carry me to safer ground
Maker you are great

Hiding place of mine
You capture every tear
I don't know your design
But I know you are here
Present before time
Lord you hear my cry and draw me near
Jehovah you are great

When mine eyelids close
I'll see a wondrous thing
I'll follow where He goes
I'll finally meet my King of Kings
And crowned with endless glow
I will rise and see Him face to face
Lord, God, King, Christ, Jesus, Maker, Jehovah, you are great.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2019
Wrists bleeding
Heart leading
Mind screaming
Out for help

Eyes glazing
Brain blazing
Pain raising
Higher now

Hands shaking
Thoughts quaking
Voices making
Me insane

Temples banging
Cymbals clanging
Life hanging
By a thread

Stop breathing
Chest heaving
Mind leaving
Me to die
Having a bad day mentally.
Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2020
I guess I believe
That no matter how many times
We're stitched together
We always fall apart again
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2019
And the sad thing is
I would have jumped off that cliff
Even if you had not.
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