As I sit here
In this dark
But light
Room
Rain drips from the roof outside
Splashing in puddles on the already-wet ground.

As I sit here
In this loud
But quiet
Place
Cars pass by sending sounds like
Blowing on the top of a bottle to my ears.

As I sit here
In this happy
But sad day
I may be unhappy with my situation,
But I am content with where I am.

She is gray outside.
But her heart is blue.
She loves to smile
But she forgot how

He is black outside
But his mind is yellow
He loves to sing
But they tell him he can't

She is white on the outside
But her thoughts are red
She is a genius
And they hate her for it

He is brown outside
But on the inside, he is pink
He loves to dance
But they tell him he is girly for it

We all have our own colors
We are all different on the inside
We are all beautiful
No one is ugly

Have you ever had a moment
When the rain is pouring down
And it showers down upon you
With such a frightful sound

And then there is the moment
when you go beneath a bridge
And everything is quiet
And goes silent for a smidge

And though it seems a second
In that moment, there is more
More sighs and much more silence
Then you've ever felt before

And it feels that in that moment
The whole world takes a breath
You forget all of your sorrows
All ills, all tears, and deaths

And if only for a heartbeat
The world-it stands so still
And you feel your hands go clammy
And it sends o'er you a chill

Yes, in that bless-ed silence
It puts your heart at peace
You hope it stays forever
That it will never cease

Oh, but just as quickly as
The peaceful came to you
The moment takes on wings
Before you know it, it is through.

And how you mourn the loss
Of such a peaceful mo'
But if it happened all the time,
You wouldn't mourn it so.

No, some things are for only
A moment, just a chime
For people ruin lovely things
To mimic peaceful times

On this rainy day
I just want to cry
Not like some others
Who wish they would die

On this rainy day
Just want it to end
*** somehow I thought
He was a Godsend.

On this rainy day
I wish I could weep
And all my troubles
Could roll down my cheeks

On this rainy day
I just want the tears
And just to erase
All the past years

On this rainy day
My emotions scream
And boy do I wish
This was all a dream

On this rainy day
Want someone to hold
Someone who'll love me
Even when I'm old

On this rainy day
A painting's my heart
He graffitid it
And made it his art

On this rainy day
Breath seems like torture
A thing of unknown
Like a new culture

On this rainy day
I just want to cry
But oh pity me
My tear ducts are dry

On this rainy day
I just want to choke
On my wet tears, but
My tear ducts are broke.

How beautiful is the sunset
Like the blood that drips down my wrists
Every
Night

Like the great painter has
Decided to paint the sky
The same color as life

How ironic that so many die at night.
How ironic that I never knew blood was so beautiful
Until it dripped from my veins.

I am always the one who
Loves more
Tried harder
Falls deeper
I have so much love to give
But no one wants it.

True love is
Wanting someone to be happy
Even if you're not the one who gets to
Make them happy.

And in my darkest moments
And most desperate
I wish you had gone farther
So that the scars I bear
Might be visible
And I could convince myself
That I have the right
To be broken.

Lord, I renew my vows
I feel you with me now
So reachy heart in me
And plunge me in the sea.

I do not have the luxury
Of caring for myself.
When I feel tears coming
I bite my tongue
And look at something bright
To hold them back
When I feel the need to slash my wrists
I don't say anything
I just allow it to happen
And hope that this won't be the day
That I finally give into temptation
I can't take time off work
For a mental health day
I need the money
And rent isn't cheap
When I feel unloved
I don't tell anyone
I just suffer
And wish
And hope
And scream
Inside
Wishing I could open my mouth
Utter the words
So that someone
Anyone will know
That I'm not okay
That I'm asking for help

People don't want to know
                                                 That I'm not okay

I sat in evening rain today
And read about my loss
The things I was afraid to say
For fear of what it cost

I read my sorrow hard and sharp
And wept some bitter tears
My demons all around me harp
As did in early years

I saw the pain I felt so deep
It broke me to my core
I had abandoned my belief
For sorrow evermore

But as I looked at years gone by
On this celestial globe
I knew that pain, I would Abide
By one ember of hope

I wondered what would come about
If things had come too soon;
One less submission, one more shout
Would I sing a diff'rent tune?

But no, the order had to last;
One more or less thing said,
And things would not have come to pass
That maybe I still need

I saw amidst the tears and pain
The hands of someone great
Who all my hope and love sustains
And orders all my fate

And wept I more some bitter tears
But not for what had passed
I mourned for all the sorrowed years
With no wind to my mast

I praised the one who gave me hope
To hold on just once more
To wait for just one inky stroke
Of all the love He swore

I thank Him now in my distress
For all that happened then
For how could I have found such rest
Without the driving wind

For indeed in my darkest hour
I hid me deep inside
And only by His cleansing pow'r
Could I in hope reside

I see my life across a plane
A tangle and a mess
But oh the lovely, hearty grasp
That He does all things best

So though in dark I oft' reside
Languish in sorrow's drought
I know my King is by my side
And He will lead me out.

Haven't felt like this in awhile
The anger
The sadness
The need for red
Running
Down
And
Down
For anything
But this
But I was okay
I was fine
The relief I took for granted
But it always comes back
I just wanted to be sane for a
Little
While
Longer

Love is not the cure for loneliness
Or depression
Love  is the ill-working
Flow of a broken heart
And damaged soul
Only one can heal me
I just can't hear His voice right now.

"Save me, Jesus," Lord, I cry
Lift me on Heaven's ray.
No longer in this awful world
Does my heart long to stay.

This wretched thing that I have done
A face so wrought with tears
My soul for now must bear the cross
For all my wretched years.

Take this cross from me, oh Lord
'Tis such a thing to bear
For all my senseless wanderings,
I seem to be nowhere.

A step here, a stumble there
My journey's taking me
Onto a road that leads somewhere
I never want to be.

Take me, Lord and take me now
So far away from here.
I know my wretched cries have reached
The Haven-Heaven's ears.

Jesus, thanks to you, I walk
Upon the narrow road.
No longer towards the devil's teeth
The broader, evil road.

I walk in my Jesus' arms
A Haven I know well.
He steers me on the narrow path
Now go I not to hell.

Through this narrow escapade,
I have learned to see
My savior never left my side
He's always been with me.

And through this trial'd walk of life
My burdens weigh still more
But every day I learn again
It's held still by my Lord.

I'm still learning
To talk about what happened
I'm still learning
That I went through a trauma
I'm still learning
That it wasn't my fault
I'm still learning
That I couldn't have done anything
I'm still learning
To admit that I'm still broken
I'm still learning
That it's okay to say it out loud
I'm still learning
That it wasn't handled right
I'm still learning
That it still affects me 13 years later
I'm still learning
That even though they told me I couldn't tell anyone, it's okay for me to tell the people I trust, or whoever the hell I want
I'm still learning
That I'm strong and brave and loved
I'm still learning
That I am not damaged goods
Just because I'm still learning
How to be a person again

This wasn't meant to happen,
This fluttering called love
It all began one cold fall day
When you forgot your glove

I'd seen your face many times
You'd been in here before
Your order is "One large mocha,
And a number twenty-four"

You said your name was Adam
And I guess it's meant to be
Because my imaginary friend
Was Adam Backlebee

The day this all began,
Was blustery and cold
And neither one of us forknew
Your hand was mine to hold

"I'm sorry, please excuse me",
You muttered, passing by
But little did you know,
Your little grin had caught my eye

You smiled bigger, looking back
And then I was done for
Cupid's arrow of red hearts
Had pierced me to the core

And here we are, years later
And you're down on one knee
So here's to you, and here's to us
And our eternity

I'm shaking again
The words in my head follow down through my skin
My head starts to spin
I'm haunted by things I don't want to let in

I hate to remember
I hate thinking back on what burns me like embers
I can't even speak
I can't make my lips tell others why I'm weak

The words won't come out
Trapped beneath skin where they echo and shout
The tears broke me through
They run hot and steady, leave shame in their lieu

My breathing is heavy
Thinking of past things makes my heart unsteady
I'm going to die
And I'll pass on while still not knowing why

They're just words to say
But more- they course through me insistent to stay
Someone hold me
But don't touch me please, I'm afraid you will see

Please squeeze me tightly
Remind me that nightmares are not only nightly
But stay far away
Don't take a step closer or I'll break again

I'm torn between thoughts
Remem'bring what happened and what did not
So help me, I'm screaming
Somebody tell me that I'm only dreaming

And please take my life
I already live on the edge of a knife
And when I am gone
Perhaps after death I can fin'lly move on.

And when I was finally in your arms
All I could say
Was
"Don't let me go"

We can smile
And say we're fine
We haven't been sleeping well
We're stressed
Put on a brave face
But in the end
All we really want
Is to lay down
For a long time
No dreams
No wakeful nightmares
And rest
Until the stars fade out
And the sun grows dim
And the green grass
Falls into
The purple universe
And we don't have to be alive anymore

Often I was subject to another’s whims
In fear of sinking, I pretended to swim
To sickening stomach, the lights start to dim
And feral dark torture spreads all through my limbs

"Unclean!" I was crying, "Unclean I've been made!"
And a swift "goodbye" to my innocence bade
And as with a whip, my young mind-it was flayed
The putrid for innocence given in trade

I did what they wanted, hoping for the best
Despite my belief, compliance is a jest
So I let the weight settle, heavy on my chest
And I tried to forget, ignoring the rest

They did things to me I can barely contrive
I bent to their will, claiming to be alive
I let them abuse me, hoping I'd revive
We do what we have to so we will survive

How many times
Have I sat here

How many times
Has the wind whipped my hair around my face

How many times
Has the night engulfed me
In its dark arms

How many times
Had this sidewalk been my #1 place to pray
Pray that maybe next time it will work out

How many times
Have my tears wet this pavement

How many times
Have my worries swept away the dirt
On your surface

How many times
Will I sit here again

How many times
Will the hurt trickle into the cracks
On this cement

How many times
Will the rain cover the tears I've wept
Like I did again tonight

How much more pain
How many silent comfort sessions
*Can I take?

How is it
That seven years later
I still see your face
Blurry
And in stone
And you don't even remember who I am?

Its been a long year
More than a year
My pawpaw passed away from cancer
And I didn't even get to say goodbye
They wouldn't let us in to see him
Coronavirus
A glorified cold
That none of us had
Kept me from spending
His last moments holding his hand.
That same week,
A guy I had been seeing dumped me
He was kind about it
Not kindly enough
That it didn't hurt
But that's okay
I wasn't the one for him
Maybe that's what I need to be for myself
The one
Love myself a bit better
My close friend said he was in love with me
I feel like I'm being mocked
The one whom I couldn't ever be with
Is the one who says he loves me
After that
My church started falling apart
Pastors left
Arguments were started
Old mistakes
Friends were lost
And my sense of peace gone
And to top it all, I lost something so dear to me that the loss made me want to end all this just to see the face of someone whom I don't know
But someone who knows me
I'm okay
I think I am
Maybe I don't know what that means anymore
Just breathing
Waiting
For the clouds to pass
It will end
The rain will stop, and the warm spring of peace will come again
If only I can make it
If only I could hold on
Hold on just a little bit longer
Just a little bit
Longer
I will find hope
In a hopeless time

You can only bow down
If you are first brought down to your knees

If there is one thing
That I have learned
From my lack of health
It is that
I am more than my illness
I am more than my headaches
Or the room spinning around me
More than my unsteady steps
And crippling anxiety
I am more than all the noise
That echoes in my ears
And I am more than all the pain
I've felt for all these years
I am more than aching backs
And needles in my feet
I am more than dizziness
And more than lack of sleep
I am more than lights to bright
They hurt my eyes and head
I am more than wakefullness
When I go to bed
I am more than doctors
And medicines and pain
I am still someone inside
There's more that I contain

When I can't sleep
And the darkness won't close in
Hovering ever close
But never touching me

I close my eyes
And think of my fondest memories of you.
Only then am I able
To **** the black into the recesses
Of my mind
And finally
Rest
Peacefully

I really think the most beautiful
Thing in the world
Is real,
The
Happiness.
That smile
That lights up someone’s face,
And the way their eyes crinkle
When they laugh,
And the way their shoulders heave,
And the sound of their voice-
There is nothing more wonderful
To behold
Than someone who is blissfully,
Carefree
A smile that is
Genuine and
Sweet as honey
That is something
Worth living to see.

And it is in the quiet moments
When I feel the most alone
And a throbbing in my heart
Begs me to go home

Someday
You'll go away.

With a wave of your hand,
Your feet'll touch sand
And you'll leave.

Someday
You'll go away

With your wife and your kids
And your life packed on skids
You'll leave me behind.

Someday
You'll go away

And without a goodbye
You'll leave, and I'll sigh.
I'll have no one left.

Someday
You'll go away

And I won't even know
It's the last time you'll show
I won't see you again

Someday
You'll go away

And that hug I gave you
Will be the last, God save you
That I give

Someday
You'll go away

And I'll be out of your life
"Whatever," you say, "less strife"
But I still love you.

Someday
You'll go away

And though I'll want you to stay
Once and for all, you'll go away
Leaving me without a say.

One day
Your life will pass

Right through my own
And roll like a stone
Down the hill of life.

One day
You'll go away

I know it's coming-coming soon
Like the coming of the moon
And then, you'll be lost.