There
Is so much negativity
In this place
That I
I can barely breathe.

And crushing
Crushing my spirit
When I want to make it better
Only hurts the healing.

I am from Home.

I am from hot baths in the summer and winter alike.
I am from a silver ring decked with a ruby.
I am from laughing faces and weeping hearts.

From Pilaf and Tabuleh.
From the lonely, and the love.
I am from music loud in my ears so I don't have to listen to anyone.
I am from late-night arguments and early-morning apologies.

I am from cousins and children
Staying in my home despite
Their heritage.
I am from Untitled Documents.
I am from Marisa and Ben. My namesake and her lover.

I am from hand-washing dishes.
From Mrs. Laird and Mrs. Tans.
From Eagle Crest.

I am from Volleyball.
From late practices
And broken limbs.

I am from the world.
From crushing decisions that don't matter.
From school-induced insomnia.

I am from the wind
In my hair.
Stars above my head.
Children in my classroom.

I am from England-so far away, and yet so near.
I am from Doctor Who and Sherlock.
My inspirations.

I am from Sobahn.
My friend I have never seen.

I am from swinging into the lake from a tire swing and a zip-line.
Dogs.
Stray cats.
Army games.

I am from fake battles and singing hymns in the shade of the hot summer day.
I am from Christian and Kira.
From red paint on the pavement-lying to me, telling me it is blood.

I am from my childhood.
I wish I could go back there.

I am from home.

I am but a jar of clay
And You are the Potter
I am but a breath of dust
You are a well of water

You are an ocean of hope
Upon which my life sways
I am but a helpless sheep
You lead me day by day

You are Prophet, Priest and King
Your word to me is sweet
Your love is an eternal spring
Beside which we will meet

And though You are a precious King
And I was made Your daughter
May my soul never forget,
I'm clay, and You are potter

In times of trouble
Echo still
These long-loved words of
Jesus' will

In times of darkness
And betrayal
God's glorious words
Make this trail

When  thundering waves
My ship shakes
These loving words
Will steady make

When hope is lost and
I give up
These glorious words have
Filled my cup

And when my heart now
Pierced with knife
"I'm the resurrection
And the life"

I asked God if he loved me
He said "of course I do"
I told him I don't feel it
So how could it be true?

I told Him I feel broken
And lost and so unloved
So how could He claim to love me
If I didn't feel beloved?

I told God I was angry
And felt fear and hate inside
I never really understood
How to see through the lies

I told Him I was tired
And I didn't want to fight
Asked how I could hold a sword
When I'm bleeding deep inside.

I told God I was lonely
And I wanted someone near
He told me that He loved me
And He is always here

I told God that I wanted more
To be held and be known
I felt like it wasn't enough-
His ruling from a throne

I asked God if He loves me
He said "Of course I do"
I told Him I don't feel it
So how could it be true

I told God I was weary
And I wished to see His face
And if I looked upon it,
I'd better feel His grace

He said to trust His timing
To wait, and to be brave
And He'd prove it's not my feelings
But myself He came to save

I can be happy
Smiles all around
My eyes full of gladness

I can be laughing
At something
Said by someone I love

I can be smiling
Eyes twinkling
And heart blissful

But only for a moment
Because soon
It comes again,
This dark cold
And it grips my heart like steal
And I'm afraid
I'm afraid
It won't let me go

I confess
I am ugly
I confess
I am broken
I confess
I have a heart of stone
I confess
I am a sinner
I confess
I am helpless
I confess
I am hopeless
I confess
I am unworthy
I confess
I am prideful
I confess
I am hateful
I confess
I need a Savior
I confess
I am weak
I confess
I am weary
I confess
I am dead
I confess
I am a prisoner

But ugly
Broken
Stone-hearted
Sinning
Helpless
Hopeless
Unworthy
Prid­eful
Hateful
Savior-needing
Weak
Weary
Dead
Prisoner
That I am,

He took me
And made me
Beautiful
Whole
Flesh-hearted
Perfect
Helpful
Hopeful
Worthy
H­umble
Loving
Savior-needing
Strong
Awake
Alive
And free

And that is a debt
I can never
Will never
Ever
Repay

But I don't need to-
He paid it for me

And now
Now
Now
I am free.

I know I'm not
The full package
I know I'm not
As beautiful
As some other girl
Drawing eyes
Pulling people
Transfixed
To her perfect life

I know that
She might have everything
I know that
She might have the eyes of a goddess
The skin of an Egyptian queen
And hair spun from silk
But I swear to you
I may not draw eyes
But you will draw mine
You may not feel pulled to me
But I will pull you in
I might not be transfixing
But I will always love you
My life may not be perfect
But I will be perfectly
Entirely
Yours

I just want someone
Anyone
Who will kiss me deeply
Love me passionately
And who will spend the rest
Of his life
Letting me do the same.

I may not be ideal
But I will love you
Kiss you
Hold you
And all you have to do
Is love me in return.

They say you should talk
Talk to someone
But how do I say it?
How do I say that I don't know
Who I am anymore?
How do I say that I'm a hundred different people
And no one
All at once?
How do I tell them
That from one day to the next
I'm a mess and tangle
Of a hundred voices
A thousand personalities
And a million faces
And I don't know
Which one of them is really me?
How do I open my mouth
And let the words come out
Tell them that I'm not who they think I am
That I'm not who I think I am
How do I say
That I look in the mirror
And ask the girl staring back at me
Who she is
But she never answers
She doesn't know
Doesn’t know who she is
She's been lost
Such a long time
And can't manage
To feel her way back through the darkness
She's lost who she was
And doesn’t know anymore
Doesn't even know what her name is
She lives with a wardrobe strapped to her back
Costumes and masks spilling from it
Like a jack-in-the-box
A new face for everyone she knows
And not a one of them is her
How do I tell them that I don't even know
What my favorite things are
Because I pretend
And act
And lie
And it's been going on so long that I don't know
I don't know anymore
I don't know anything
How the hell do I tell anyone that?

If there is no God, this is worthless
If there is no God, when I die,
No palace I'll see,
No banquet, no King,
No eternal life in the sky.

If there is no God, what's the point, then,
Of clothing, and money, and jewels?
If there is no fight,
No faith, and no sight,
What's the point, then, of getting through school?

If there is no Savior, no Jesus,
No father, no spirit, no son,
No cross, and no grace,
What's the goal of this race?
What motive to finish this run?

I  can't believe there's no Jesus.
For if He does not exist,
There's no point to this life,
No end to this strife
I see no reason to persist.

I have to believe there's a father
And that this trouble will end
If there's no afterlife,
And no house made of light,
Then I just don't know how to fend

I tell you, there must be a Savior
For Jesus is all that I have.
He died for my sin
And heals pain within,
And His favor to me is a Salve

I believe there's a God, there's a father
Who watches me from up above
A father of grace
With a smile on His face
Looking down on me with love

I can tell there's a God in this place
Wrapping his arms around me
In the waters of grace,
I can see His face
And I notice His art in the trees.

His goodness abides in the forest
He comforts my heart when at sea
His fingers they live
In the rocks and the wind
His handiwork's all around me

If you ask me "Who is your Savior?"
Or "Who puts this smile on your face?"
I'll grin just a bit,
And ask you to sit,
And tell you the story of grace.

I suppose your
Winter romance
With warm hugs
And long dinners
I guess it just
Wasn't meant to be

He does not need us to be mighty warriors
To fight His battle
For He Himself is the mighty one
The battle is already fought
And we are but helpless sheep
Awaiting our shepherd's loving hand
No, He needs not the strong
He needs not the heroes
But it is the lowly
The weak
The poverty-stricken
Yes, these are the ones
He calls
He asks
In all His love
For all His sacrifice
To simply follow Him

I live for the moments.
Not the times or the days.
I live for the memories
When I'm swept away.

I live for sweet things
Hugs and kisses at night
For opening the door for me
And turning off the lights

I live for porchstep-kisses
And stars hung in the sky
I live for the wonderful things
The ones that get me by

I live for actions, not just people
I watch what they do
A deep head-thrown-back laugh
Little things get me through

I live for the soft things
A bird that flutters by
The jumping of a fish
The kiss of butterflies

I live for the love
And for the lovely things
I love the thought of fantasy
Of kings and of Queens

My heart beats for the good times
The times of happiness
Where all of my anxiety
Shrinks away like mist

I breathe for the gentle times
The rise and fall of a chest
For late-night sipping cocktails
Until there's nothing left

I live for pouring out emotions
I didn't think I had
And saying I'm upset when
I didn't know I was sad

I live for the moments
And the times of trust
When I know they'll last forever
Like friendship's loving rust.

I don't deserve your loving hand
I don't deserve your soft commands
I don't deserve your perfect plan
No, nor the way you love me

I don't deserve this "string of luck"
That from your strengthened stores you pluck
I don't deserve this chord you've struck
In all the ways you love me

I don't deserve eternal life
With no more tears and no more strife
You've spared me from the devils knife
With all the ways you love me

I used the be a wandering one
But then you came and gave your son
All my battles you have won
Yes, I know you love me

You love me when I disobey
And from your golden path I stray
But still you are my strength and stay
Lord, I'm so glad you love me

Without you my soul would be lost
And I would be hung on that cross
For words I am at such a loss
Lord, I need you to love me.

All you ask is my love, too
And Jesus I know this is true
I would be worthless without you
I love the way you love me

Heart stopped
Wish it would
Mind trapped
Wish I could
Escape
From my head

Eyes swell
From the tears
Feels like
It's been years
That I've
Felt this fear

Waves crash
Over me
Whiplash
I can't scream
Drowning
In a dream

Fog, mist
In my head
Can't get
Out of bed
Wrists they're
Turning red

Losing
Hope for me
Getting
Lost at sea
Lost in-
Side of me

Broken
In my soul
Feels like
Broken bones
Slipping
Can't let go

Hiding
In myself
Can't trust
Someone else
Anger
Like a pulse

Curled up
Bottom side
A pit
Deep inside
Wish that
I would die

*******
For making me feel
Like everyone
Who says they love me
Is lying to my face
*******
For making me
Paranoid
About people leaving
And *******
Because even though it's been
8 years
8 **** years
I still feel
Like I'm not good enough
To make people want to stay
*******
And thank you
Because if you hadn't left
I would have fallen in love with you
And gotten hurt all over again.

And just like a mason jar
Or a broken car
You threw aside my heart
Like some messed up art

And just like the ocean
Or a dead man's house
My heart is now empty
All the people poured out

You took all my love
And you threw it away
And all I can think is
I wish you had stayed

It's not much your fault
What happened to me.
You're just a child
My heart is the sea.

And I suppose after all
My foster child
You just did as you were told
You just moved on

In the end
We are all just waves
On the ocean

Dipping
And cresting

In a world
That changes to fast
For us to bear

When you asked me what was wrong
I told you I was tired
I am tired
I'm tired of always
Being
The broken one

Everyone can see the effects of the hurt
And they tell me everything will be OK.

But they don't *see me

It is so sad to me
That we pray
And weep
And beg
For understanding
For wisdom
For peace
And to see His face
But we don't understand
That in order
To see God,
You must first get to heaven
And to get to heaven
You have to die
Pain always comes
Before the storm
A thorn always hurts the most
When it is pulled out
God gives His greatest blessings
And most wonderful lessons
After long nights
Of tears
And prayer

Does it hurt
Being so cruel?

You must have had help.

No one is like that on their own.

I can practically see your
Emotional scars

Bleeding
Dripping
Dying.

It must hurt
Being this cruel.

I just want to help you.
I just want to heal.

It's a bit Complex

I want to tell you
That you make me angry
So angry

I want to say
That night after night
I have cried because of you

I want to make you
Know the abandonment
You forced upon me

I want to scream
At you and slay
Slay, slay my demons

I wish you knew
That I want you to text me
So I know you care

But at the same time
I love you so so much
I want you to know that.

But yeah.
It's complex.

I've never been happy
Not before I met you
I thought that I had
But it was untrue.

I could smile sometimes
And laugh quite a bit
But I guess I was hiding
It just didn't fit

I've never been happy
Not before knowing this
I didn't know
What was true bliss?

But you make me happy
You make me smile
And I plan to keep
It this way for awhile

Hush little darling, don't you cry
I know you have fiery skies
Bad times now and more to come
Save your tears now, little one

Hush little baby don't you cry
It is raining hard tonight
Peace will come when sun doth rise
Listen to my lullabies

Hear my voice and lull to sleep
Pray the Lord your soul to keep
Hush little baby don't you cry

*Everything's gonna be alright

As I was walking 'round, one day
My face downcast and grim
I heard a stray conversation
They spoke about HIM.

"Jesus is nothing special, man;
He's just another guy."
Not really , I thought to myself,
He made the earth and sky

Thinking on this brought my face up
Chased away the grim
Why ever should I doubt his might
When He took all my sin?

I have felt the hardships
I have been in joy

I have known pain
And I have known healing

I've felt His presence
And I've strayed from His path

So I fell on my knees
And I lifted my hands

And I've come to see
I've felt within me

That I can feel sorrow
I can feel pain

I can walk a hard path
Or trod on even ground

But come what may
It all means nothing

If I do not feel His presence
I am lacking my life source

I would gladly feel pain
Both physical and emotional

I would happily feel sorrow
And strain in this earthly body

I would give all I have
To simply feel His presence

I asked Him to come to me
And He has come

I long for trials
And I hunger for hardships

For it is in my darkest moments
That I feel Him most deeply

So take my freedom
Take my life

Take my money
And all my earthly possessions

And give me Jesus.

No matter how
Much sleep I get
No matter how many
Pills I take
I am still drifting
Through life
No, existence
As though I am
Watching the waves
Of pale snow wash
Over the ground
I am alone
I am cold
I am scared
And often times
I don't know if I'm really here
Or if I am only a dream
I didn't want this
I didn't ask for it
But now the screams
In my head
Grow ever louder
And the pain in my chest
Ever more bitter
All I wanted was
To live
Nay
To exist
But oh, Lord
What I must have done
To deserve life
In such a hell
As this

You broke me.
You broke me and you never picked up the pieces.
Never glued me back together.
I just wanted to cry.
But I couldn't

We'll apologize
You will break me again and I will write more poetry.
You will leave again
I'll just want to cry.
But I won't be able to.

I'm sad.
It just happened again and I'm so broken-still in pieces.
I never got fixed
So now I'm broken for good.
Some scars don't heal.
I just want to cry
But I can't.
When you broke me
You broke my tear ducts, too.

I'm tired

Tired of being used
Tired of listening
To relationship problems
That don't involve me

Tired of being ignored
Tired of caring
Tired of giving more than I take
Tired of losing

Tired of everything
From too much
To too little
From craziness
To boredom

Tired of being misunderstood
Tired of crying
Please
Please just leave me alone.

We've all strayed a little
Too far
From the road
And we can't find
A way back
So let's drink
Raise a toast
And hope
We can find a better way

You lied to me
Again

I knew you would
But then

I never thought
It would

Be something like
Like this

Now what do I
I do?

I decided
To move

To move on and
Forward

To forgive and
Forget