I go to this thing called "Teen Night"
which takes place every Saturday night
I go there to dance my stress away
not to deal with drama and fight
I cannot stand to go alone
it just isn't as fun
That is why I take all of my friends with me
I love being surrounded by the people I love
I am not the type who goes to parties and gets wasted
I prefer pizza and friends
I like to stay up all night
while smoking cigarettes until the night ends
I like drinking my energy drinks
and taking selfies with my crew
I like to look my best, show off a little
but nights like that are few
Teen night is where I go to escape
it is worth the six bucks
Not only do I get to disappear in a crowd
I am greeted by lots of hugs
Teen night is where I let go of everything
it's where the music absorbs my stress
From the time it starts until the time it ends
all I do is dance the night away

I feel so much pressure
to be at certain places in my life
I am a dreamer
I like to think of the future
but I don't like to stress about it
Fear is a horrible thing to carry around with you
fear prevents you from having any kind of personal peace
Without personal peace
you leave yourself exposed to every negative thing
Negativity can ******* up
so you have to be careful
I just want to live my life
I want to do what I have to do to be a functioning adult
and also not want waste my free time
worrying about things I have no control over
Worrying is not fun
I am not one of those people who does something
because someone thinks I should
I have never been one to follow the crowd
I sure as hell am not going to start now

I turn the music up loud
to block out the noise
I put on my headphones
so I can't hear my voice
The guitars are blasting sounds
that are taking away my pain
the words are making me cry
and making me sweat like rain
My teeth are chattering from the cold
I'm afraid I'll get yelled at
I'm afraid to leave my room
I don't want to get screamed at
I'm afraid to be myself
I can't be something that I'm not
I'm tired of being depressed
and hating what I don't got
I turn the music off
I can hear myself cry
I really can't leave my room
but I'm afraid I'll have to try
I take my headphones off
I turn off my bedroom light
I fall asleep in my warm bed
and let everything fall into the night.

I am so shaky right now
it is beginning to scare me
I am feeling dizzy and tired
I am not quite understanding what is happening to me
Maybe I am not getting enough sleep
Maybe I am really stressed
Maybe I am going crazy
Maybe this is a test
School is feeling like a prison
it takes everything I have to go
The heat is making me sick
I wish God would let it snow
The days seem so long
I just want to fade away
No matter how happy I am
I still get depressed everyday
I am losing all hope for myself
this battle is overwhelming
Despite all of the friends and family I have
none of them are helping
Suicide is a common thought
I even dream about it in my dreams
I mostly think about death
when I am having bad days like today
Hopefully my mood changes
I don't like wanting to die
The only thing I can do for now
is keep going and try not to cry

I never said I was perfect so do not put words in my mouth
I am not perfect and I do not try to be
I have done things that were not good for me
I have hurt people
I have disappointed people
I have made the decision to change,
to turn my wrongs into rights,
to let go of things that have made me angry for so long,
just allow myself to heal and accept the fact that I cannot control everything
Behind every success story is a struggle
I do not talk about my problems to gain attention
I do it to let others know that they are not alone
Hopefully the stories I tell from my past inspire people in some way
I am as real as I can possibly get
To be perfect is just stupid because there is no such thing

I have a lot of secrets
there are some I cannot share
Some things need to be kept quiet
I am sorry if you don't think that's fair
There are bad things that I have done
I have made people cry
I have disliked a person so very much
that I wished she would die
Some of the secrets I have though
are secrets I cannot hide
Everyone knows that I used to be a cutter
and yes I have thought of suicide
Sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts
but I am learning to ignore them
I am learning to embrace life like a giant cookie
I don't need to give into them
Some secrets I have make me cry
I wish they weren't in my head
When I think of these secrets they make me angry
and I wish myself dead
These secrets are past memories that no one else needs to know
their memories that don't exist anymore
meaning it is time I let them go

She is like the snow
cold yet beautiful
She is like the sun
hot but her smile warms your heart
She is like the rain
sad yet she keeps going despite the heaviness she carries
She is a volcano ready to erupt
not with anger but with passion
She is like a star
invisible yet always there
She is like the wind
annoying yet she blows peoples minds
She is laughter
the kind of laughter that makes it hard to breathe
She is fire
she seems dangerous but has skills most people overlook
She is a dream
the kind of dream you never want to wake up from
She is madness
but she can relate to all kinds of hell
She is strange
yet safe like a strong hug
She is insecure
but she takes risks everyday
She is the song that you listen to on repeat
she is the dreamer everyone wishes they could be
She is perfection in God's eyes
she is me

You ever come across a picture on social media of a woman who is so beautiful that just the sight of her makes you physically sick because you know that no matter what you do to yourself you will never, in this lifetime, be as beautiful as her?

Then you just sit and think of everything wrong with you until you are in such a depressed mood you can't even look at yourself in the mirror because you are so disgusted with what you see.

Then you feel bad because you're thinking "this is wrong. This girl can't help that she's beautiful so why do I feel like I need to ***** when I see her picture?"

Then you start to get mad at yourself because you are being so selfish because you should feel beautiful in your own skin but because of some unrealistic expectation that you put on yourself you can't help but beat yourself up.

So now you have all of these thoughts going on at once and eventually you get so overwhelmed that anxiety takes over and now you feel like you are going to have a heart attack, all because of a beautiful stranger that not only doesn't even know you exist, but is probably photoshopped to the max because for all you know she may feel the same way you do.

So now you feel stupid, ashamed, embarrassed and your day is now ****** and the sun hasn't even risen yet.

Am I the only one that goes through this?

Today is Self-Harm Awareness Day.
Wear orange to show your support.
To Self Harm survivors thank you for being a constant light
in a world that can be so dark.
To those currently struggling with Self Harm
I want you to know that you are more
than just the cuts and scars on your arms.
You are a warrior
and you have so many people including myself
cheering you on.
You will get through this struggle.
I believe in you.
You are greatness who will one day change the world.
Stay strong!
Keep fighting!
You got this!
I love you!
Sending you a million hugs and more!

Who are you to determine who is ugly and who is pretty?
We are all beautiful and handsome.
It's how we carry ourselves as people
and what we choose to put out into the world that should matter.


There is a group on Facebook that I was added to called "No Ugly People Allowed." I denied the invitation because I think it's wrong to judge people based on how they look.

When I first met you
I thought you were fantastic
I found you so interesting
When your wife took your son and left you
my heart broke for you
I thought "How could someone do that to another person?
just get up and leave without thinking of the damage they left behind?"
I watched you get your heart broken by my best friend
and each time she broke up with you I got angry
I thought "What an idiot she is to let go of someone so special."
You are like a book that everyone judges by it's cover
Inside you are chapters full of stories so beautiful
I could read them over and over again
It makes me so mad when people take you and just glimpse at you
only to toss you to the side without getting a chance to know you
If only they could see how wonderful you are
If only they took the time to read you
they would say "Gosh, he is amazing!"
For five years I have read you
hoping one day I can become a part of your story
I wouldn't change anything about you because you're perfect
I know I am just a friend to you
If a friend is what you want then I am okay with that
as long as I get to read your story over and over
because I promise I mean it when I say you are fantastic
and I live to make sure people take time to hear your story

When something upsets you,
stop a minute,
think and ask yourself
"Is there anything I can do to change this situation?"
If not, let it go and move on.
God will take care of it.
So will karma.

She grew tired
She grew tired of listening to people complain
about what they wanted
when all they wanted was standing right there
in front of them
She grew tired of reaching out
only you be ignored
She grew tired of hoping people would change
when internally she knew they never would
because change is scary and no one faces
their fears anymore
She grew tired of trying to be strong for everyone else
when no one would be there for her
She grew tired of longing to hear the words "you're beautiful"
"I'm really glad you're around" or "I'm proud of you"
She grew tired of giving so much
and getting nothing back
She grew tired of crying because all crying ever did
was make her face hurt
She grew tired of believing she would get her hearts desire
when reality gave her definitive proof
that she would never get what she wanted
She grew tired of pouring out her feelings
for those who had no interest in listening
She grew tired of being around people
who refused to see her true worth
She grew tired of trying to live a life of light
in a world that turned dark so long ago
She grew tried of aching for human touch
while she fell asleep at night
She grew tired of being a temporary choice
when she treated everyone else like royalty
She grew tired of never being good enough
She grew tired of being kept at a distance
She grew tired of wanting
when she did her best to make sure everyone else
got what they needed
She grew tired when she became empty
and there was no one there to help her
feel whole again

She is not a *****
She is not heartless
She is not selfish
She is not full of herself
She is exhausted
She is worn out
She is done
She is tired of not being heard
She is tired of not being seen
She is tired of trying to be good enough
She is tired of having to take care of everything
She is tired of the late nights staying up worried about her loved ones
She is tried of disappearing and no one noticing her absence
She is tired of being taking advantage of
She is tired of giving advice yet when she needs advice no one seems to be around
She is tired of being disrespected
She is tired of being judged when she needs to be understood
She is tired of holding back because no one wants to hear about her problems
She is tired of being pressured into doing things she doesn't want to do
She is tired of being terrified to let people in
yet no one is giving her a reason to let her fear of vulnerability go
She is tired of working and not getting anywhere
She is tired of encouraging others but when she needs motivation
it's like she doesn't exist
She is tired of her kindness being walked all over
She is tired pushing forward just to be pushed back
She is tired of being everyONE'S HERO
SHE IS TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING THERE JUST TO BE LEFT BEHIND
SHE IS TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHE DOESN'T MATTER
SHE DOES MATTER
SHE IS A PERSON
SHE IS A GOOD PERSON
SHE TRIES SO HARD TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE MISERABLE
SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE WALKED ALL OVER LIKE A BEAT UP PIECE OF CARPET
SHE PUTS OTHERS FIRST ALWAYS AND SHE GETS CHOSEN LAST
SHE IS TIRED OF IT
TIRED OF NOT GETTING WHAT SHE NEEDS
SHE NEEDS SOMEONE TO HOLD HER HAND FROM TIME TO TIME
SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A SHOULDER TO CRY ON
SHE NEEDS TO BE SEEN, TO BE HEARD, TO BE APPRECIATED
SHE IS A HUMAN BEING WHO NEEDS A HERO TOO
SHE IS...remarkable
Extraordinary
Beautiful
Talented
She is a rare person to find
She is everyone's hero but sometimes even hero's need help sometimes
Even hero's have bad days and just need someone to remind them of their greatness
She needed a hero
but now it's too late...

Once upon a time
you played games with my heart
you gave me false hope
you tore my world apart
You threw away memories
some I'll never have again
even if we weren't a couple
I still wanted to be friends
How do I feel?
I don't really know
my heart is in pieces
yet I still love you so
All I can do
is try to move on
and just always remember
I wasn't the one in the wrong.

Can I ask you a question?
Do you really love me?
Can I have a second of your time?
I just want you to spend time with me
Can I have your attention?
I want to tell you how you make me feel
Will you please answer the phone?
I want you to know that these feelings I have are real
Will you please sit with me?
I just want to hold you in my arms
Will you spend just one night with me?
I just want to hear your heartbeat so do not be alarmed
Will you take a walk with me?
I do not want to be alone
Will you spend forever with me?
My heart could be your home
Will you smile for me?
Your smile always brightens up my day
Will you hold my hand and never let go?
I don't want you to ever go away
Will you please just relax?
Listen to me when I tell you that everything will be fine
I am not asking for much
I am just asking for a little bit of your time

My sister has always been the pretty one, she has always been the guys want and she has always been skinnier than me, That doesn't mean I'm fat, it doesn't mean no guy will ever want me and it doesn't mean I'm ugly. It just means that my sister and I are beautiful in our own way, we are different and the men we end up spending our lives with will love us for our hearts, not the way we look. Our hearts are amazing, our looks are just a bonus.

I used to have to take sleeping pills to help me fall asleep at night
Now all I have to do is lie in your arms and I get the best sleep of my life every night
I love you
Thank you for choosing to end your days with me

Smile.
Smile because on this day last year you were going through something horrible and even though you thought things wouldn't get better they did.
Smile because the person who attempts to dim your shine needs to be reminded that not everyone is a **** and out to hurt them.
Smile because you're alive.
Smile because your favorite song played on the radio five times already and you wish it would play again.
Smile because even though you have no plans today that's fine because now you can spend time with yourself and give yourself some undivided attention.
Smile because you love yourself.
Smile because whether your teeth are perfect or crooked your smile is beautiful as ****.
Smile because everytime you smile you send a dose of magic into the world that makes someone else's day that much better.

Yesterday is gone
tomorrow is a new day
live in the moment and don’t listen to what others say
Your amazing the way you are
your beautiful from head to toe
your a great and positive friend
you don’t judge, you help others grow
Care about things that matter
don’t trip over drama
let the negativity roll off your back
follow the advice you got from your Mama
Don’t worry about the little things
leave the past in the past
stop worrying about losing your friends
let the good times last
You really are a good person
why not let yourself shine
don’t be scared of the unknown
your going to be just fine
don’t ever stop being you
Your unique as can be
your body is perfect the way it is
why is that hard to see?
Don’t be insecure
there are people you can trust
go after guys who are honest
and want love instead of lust
Be excited for your future
be proud of your talents
you got the whole world at your feet
go out and live in it.

Having a baby is not a decision to be taken lightly
Everything changes when you have a baby
Your relationship with your lover changes
Your finances change
Your social life changes
Your body changes
Your view of the world changes
Your priorities change
It's not just about you anymore
Whether you keep your baby or abort it
that moment when you find out you are pregnant stays with you forever
Whether you decide to give your child up for adoption or keep it
that choice you make will impact you forever
For nine months nothing is in your control
even though the choices you make are healthy ones there is no guarantee of a positive outcome
When your baby is here you are a parent not just for the next eighteen years but for the rest of your life
Everything you do, everything you say, every person you surround yourself with, every decision you make, every mistake you make will impact your child in some way
From the time your baby takes it's first breath
your life is changed
From the moment you hear a heartbeat your life is no longer yours
Having a baby is not like ordering something off of a McDonald's menu
It is a decision that should be thought about and weighed carefully because once you make that choice you cannot go back
There is no break from being a parent
There is no vacation
There are women struggling to have children and get nowhere while women who don't care are given babies like it's nothing
I don't know if that is a cruel joke made by God but it ****** me off that children some who are not even a day old
are being neglected because their parents don't think or care about the consequences of their actions
A baby is not a toy
A baby is a human being who will one day grow up to make a difference in this world
That is a huge responsibility
I don't have children
I don't want any children
I don't know if I am meant to have children or not
If I did however choose to have a child
I will make sure to be 100% ready not just for myself
but for my child who deserves nothing but the best

Sometimes I feel like I'm being buried alive
I try to get out of the hole I'm in and every time I feel like I'm making progress
I get pushed further into a hole
Maybe I'm going crazy and this is just the start of it
maybe I'm just worrying too much and I need to take a step back and focus on the main problem
I feel helpless and ignored when I feel,this way
like I'm screaming and no one wants to hear me
Maybe I don't need help
I'm just scared to trust myself
I know I will get through this but after this comes happiness
and happiness scares the **** out of me.

I have nothing to say today
I have no thoughts racing in my brain
no ****** expressions revealing how I feel on my face
my eyes don't want to see anything but my eyelids
my heart feels nothing today
my body has no energy to move
my hands can't grasp a pen
my stomach isn't hungry
and my legs don't feel like walking
I don't want to turn on any lights
I want to enjoy the dark
I don't want to hear noise
so all of my electronics are off
I want no visitors so my front door is locked
I have no plans to leave the house
so my jeep is in the garage safely parked
I don't want to be social
so my cellphone is hidden away
I'm not depressed at all
I just have nothing to say today.

Right now I need a hug
I need someone to remind me to breathe
I need someone to say my name in such a way that my heart starts beating fast
I need someone to tell me that pain is only temporary
that one day I'll meet someone who will love me endlessly
I need someone to remind me to do good
and not let myself fall into traps I can't get out of
I need someone to hold me
to let me cry until I can't cry anymore
to remind me I'm doing great
even though I don't feel like I am
I need someone to look me in the eyes
tell me I got enough faith to move mountains if I wanted to
I need to be reminded that I am never alone
reminded that someone always has my back no matter what
I need someone to tell me that I'm beautiful
just by being myself
and even though things may get rough
instead of lectures and advice
sometimes all I really need is a hug

I think it's amazing how much time has passed
and yet nothing has changed
Sure we may be leading different lives
yet our feelings for each other are the same
You went to college in Texas
I stayed here in Arizona with my poetry
We went two years without talking
and still that hasn't changed anything
We still go swimming in the middle of the night in your pool
and kiss under the oak tree in your backyard
We go for ice cream at Sonic
as we sit watching the stars
We still call each other by our nicknames
then laugh about nothing for hours
We stay up late watching zombie movies
only to become too terrified to sleep afterwards
You have been my best guy friend since freshman year of high school
You used to be like a brother to me
Now when I look at you
I describe you as my everything
I don't know why I never noticed it before
but I notice it now
I have liked you for a really long time
how about we give love a shot?

The blood seeps out of my thick pale thighs
and it doesn't seem to stop
The tears fall out of my dark hazel eyes
as I hear the razor drop
My body turns numb while ignoring the pain
it feels like I'm half dead
The blood gets darker and my eyes get wetter
there are absolutely no thoughts in my head
All I can hear is my heartbeat
it isn't beating fast anymore
I feel myself getting colder
as I sit on the cold tile floor
I feel myself getting sleepy
as if I just ran a really long race
I close my eyes and continue to bleed
while wiping the tears off of my face
I'm hurting inside more than usual today
the pain just won't go away
I could write in a journal or talk to someone
but what the hell am I supposed to say?
No one in this life can help me
so I cut to cope with the pain
All the while hoping I die
so I can get the **** away from everybody else

She used to be sweet
now she's a *****
she used to sleep at night
now she's a snitch
she used to be young
now she tries to be old
she used to behave
now she doesn't do what she's told
she used to be nice
now she's mean
she used to be sloppy
now she's clean
she used to want to live
now she's suicidal
she used to love herself
now she lovesher idol
she used to be fun
now she's disturbing
she used to be creative
now she's unnerving
she used to be drama free
now she's drama filled
she used to be loved
now she should be killed
she used to be honest
now all she does is lie
she wants people to feel sorry for her
every time she cries
she can cry all she wants
she won't get her way
she needs to stop being a *****
before she loses her life today.

I put some money into a vending machine
I was in the mood for a soft drink
A man about my age was staring at me
I didn't quite know what to think
He walked up to me and said
"Do you realize you just paid 5 euros for that?"
"Is that too much?" I asked
He shook his head yes and chuckled
Feeling so embarrassed
I began to walk away
When he said out loud "Wait!"
He took some keys out of his pocket
and opened up the machine
He gave me back the money I was owed
I told him "You didn't have to do that"
He replied "I know that but I wanted to"
then he kindly smiled

We sat waiting for the bus
as we fell into conversation
He asked me if I was American
I told him that I was
"How are you liking Bristol?" he asked "Is it everything you imagined it to be?"
"Actually no" I answered "It's better than I imagined it."
We conversed about my stay here
I told him I was here visiting a friend
He admitted that he wished he would have met me sooner
because I seemed like an interesting gal
We ended up going for a walk
stopping for a break at St George Skatepark
He asked me if I was looking forward to going back home
I told him that I wasn't
"All you ever hear about is London, Manchester and many others city's
people think those are the only places in England worth getting to know
After being here in Bristol for this entire week
I have falling in love with this place and it will break my heart to go."

After a few seconds of silence he said "Then don't go. Marry me and you won't have to go."
"That is illegal" I replied back in shock
"Not if we never divorce" he said very seriously
"I don't even know you. I met you an hour ago" I said still in shock
"Alright" he told me taking a seat on the ground "Here is what you need to know
I am a bit messy, in fact I am a major slob
however I feel that after living with a woman for some time
that bad habit will eventually stop
I am a huge breakfast person
I could eat breakfast all day
I can cook too so if you are ever hungry just let me know
and I will start cooking away
I have a **** job but I make decent money
I don't live in a mansion or anything but it's a place to live
so either way I am happy
My friends are total idiots, they are in fact a group of arseholes
but they are there for me when I need them and
I know they would love to meet you
I know I am not that good looking but I will treat you right
I will put you first always as long as you never go to bed angry with me at night
I know we have known each other for only an hour
Maybe what I am asking is illegal
but I seem to have fallen in love with you
So marry me and we can work out the legal crap later."

I smoked myself a cigarette
okay maybe five
I thought long and hard about the situation
trying hard not to cry
I didn't even know this man
yet everything about him drove me crazy
How on earth could I marry a man
who barely even knows me
I put out my fifth cigarette
let out a deep exhale
"Okay" I said finally "I will marry you"
He got up off the ground, helped me up and then we started to run
For the first time in my whole existence
it felt like my life had just begun

I was 23 when I got married
I had no idea what I was thinking when I said yes to that man
I am 87 years old now
and I am still in love with him
In our 60 years of marriage he has kept his promise to me
to always put me first
I never go to bed angry at him
and we spend every Saturday afternoon at St. George Skatepark

It makes me so sad when people do not have the courage to dream big. I get that life is not a fairy tale. Life is nothing like the television shows you watch and I understand that life is full of ups, downs, disappointments, heartache, etc. but you have to have something to believe in. You need to find the courage to dream. I cannot stand it when people ask me about my life and the goals I want to reach and when I give them my answer all they can do is wince and tell me to focus on something else. For example: I want to get out of the town I am currently living in. I do not like where I'm at. I would love to be in a bigger city in another state with cooler weather and when I tell someone that, their response is "Well you need to just make the most of where your at. No matter where you go life's challenges are everywhere." What is wrong with me wanting to live in New York, L.A., Seattle hell even London? Do you not think I can live there? I know it cost money to live in places like that but I believe I can have the life I want with hard work, dedication, faith and confidence that I can do it. I understand that things take time and I am not expecting my life to change over night. I may be a dreamer but I also know to pay attention to reality too. I do not appreciate people putting limits on my dreams. I have every right to be bitter and choose not to believe in anything but I will not live like that. I cannot live my life in doubt. I cannot live my life thinking that life is always going to be ****** because my circumstances right now might not be so great. I do not have time to be sad, angry and crushed. I will not be ashamed for dreaming big. I will not put limitations on my dreams. I think I am capable of doing a lot in the world and what I want will not come easy but I have been through hell and back before. Guess what? I am still standing and I think having something to believe in played a huge part when it came to battling past, present and whatever future demons might come knocking on my door. Do not put limitations on my dreams just because you put limitations on yours.

We are all so quick to fall in love because we want to be in love so badly. If we rush things instead of allowing things to unfold as they should, we are missing out on so many things. We have this idea stuck in our heads that if we do not do certain things now then they will never happen. Not everyone is meant to find the love of their life at sixteen. Some do not find their soulmate until they are well into their thirties, if not older. There is nothing wrong with that. Not everything has to happen now. If you rush things, you are missing out on moments that will never come again. STOP RUSHING! Enjoy where you are. Enjoy this very moment because this moment will never ever come again. If you are meant to be with a certain someone, it WILL happen eventually. If it turns out you and a certain someone are not meant to be, it is because the one you are meant to be with is still out there. Every heartbreak you go through is preparing you for the one you get to spend the rest of your life with. Everyone has a love story. Why rush your love story? The best love stories are the ones that are not rushed, are not forced and are not planned.

Dear Amanda,

Your 14 years old now. Your at that age where you're starting to get the hang of teenage life. It's confusing I know but it gets better. In five years you will be 18 years old. In the next five years you're going to go through things and feel things you never thought possible. You're different. The way you dress, the way you act and the way you interpret things are very different than everyone else. So different that your parents will think there is something wrong with you. Your parents might tell you to change or try to make you change into something you don't want to be. They might even think you're possessed by the devil. DON'T CHANGE! No matter what do not change. Your step dad will be really mean to you. Your going to do things to yourself as a way to release stress. The person you are, your the way you are because you'll make a difference in this world. You're unique. Don't do what others want you to do. Others will try to bring you down but just shrug it off. Half of those people don't know you. Why should you impress them? Be happy to be you. If others don't like you too bad then they don't have to hang out with you.
  Secondly, don't worry about the friends you lose. When you lose a friend due to some 24 hour drama someone else always comes along and if that person is meant to stay in your life then they won't ever go anywhere.
  Third, when your sixteen you'll be engaged for a year. He'll break your heart when your seventeen but you'll get over it soon. Enjoy every minute you have with him but don't be too obsessed with him because then you'll push him away. When he breaks your heart it won't be your fault. You'll cry, you'll feel alone and broken but lean on friends. True friends will help you get over him. Once you lose him let him go. Eventually someone else will come along who is so much better and who knows, he might be the one but don't get engaged until your 25 this time. You'll be better off. Trust me.


This was an English assignment I had to do when I was a sophomore in High School. I had to write a letter to my 14 year old self from my 17 year old self talking about things that were going to happen in the next five years all the while giving advice to my past self. Advice I wish I had at the time I was going through these things.

I think it's stupid
when other's cry for attention
I think it's stupid
when others think they can stop you from reaching your dreams
I think it's stupid
when you pretend to be something your not
I think it's stupid
to smile when you really want to cry
I think it's stupid
to let fear control your life
I think it's stupid to give up on love
because your heart is constantly getting broken
I think it's stupid to spend $1,000 on a pair of shoes
I think it's stupid
to dress like a **** just to impress a guy
I think it's stupid
to be friends with someone who treats you like ****
I think it's stupid
to live a misreable life
I think giving up is stupid
I think holding onto false hope is stupid
being a ***** to everyone you know to protect yourself from ever being hurt
I don't think that's smart
I think that's extremely stupid.

Last night I died
I didn't want to wake up
I wish the doctor didn't bring me back
it hurt to be woken up
I died of a broken heart
I know that was the reason for sure
I could not bear to live a lie anymore
not when I am in love with a heart that is so pure
I woke up in my ripped up jeans
I felt sick, I felt light
I saw a nurse standing over me
telling me that I will be alright
She held my hand lightly
I had nothing to say
My mind was completely blank
I never thought I would live to see this day
The hospital was cold
they wheeled me to my room
By the time I was settled in with an IV in my arm
it was already noon
I had no expression on my face
I had no feeling under my skin
I just wanted to go outside
and keep all of my feelings bottled within
I am now forced to stay in this place
I am told I need help
I guess I overdosed on pills
maybe it's cause my life is hell
For now I am doing better
I got a lot of work ahead
I might as well get comfortable
I think to myself as I fall asleep in my hospital bed

I want you to hold me
I want you to whisper into my ear
I want you to want me like never before
I want you to touch me everywhere
I want you to kiss my lips
I want you to look me in the eyes
I want you to pull me super close
and ******* alive
I want you to caress me with your hands
I want your body next to mine
I want to roll around in the sheets with you
and not wake up until nine
I want to fall asleep on your chest
as I listen to you breathe
I want this moment to last forever
as you take all of me

She is such an amazing artist
She is raw
She is creative
She is real
She is honest
She is funny
She is brave
If there is any positive way to describe a person
that is what Taylor Swift is
She is a legend
that will be loved by generations for many years to come
She is incredible
She is an angel on earth
Her music is life changing
I feel sorry for anyone who cannot find beauty in her music
They are missing out on the most spectacular magic
a human being can discover here on earth
Taylor Swift is love
Pure, beautiful love

I am someone who loves to believe in impossible things.
Thank you to those for loving that part of my personality
and bringing me to life
instead of trying to bury me alive with hate.

The ones you love the most
will break your heart once or twice
It's not because their evil
their human, they will mess up sometimes
The one you give your heart to
will disappoint you one day
It's not because they don't love you
their fighting demons that won't ever go away
The people you call your friends
will make mistakes that will upset you
It's not because they don't care about your friendship
there are just some things they have to do
The sun won't always shine
sometimes it will rain
It doesn't mean something bad will happen
it's God's way of cleansing your pain
Your parents who you thought were perfect
may overstep their boundaries by telling you what to do
It's not because they doubt you
It's their way of saying they care about you
The God you lean on twenty four hours a day
won't stop you from hitting rock bottom
It's not because he deserted you
it's the only way you will ever grow
So trust him

The ones you love the most
will break your heart once or twice
It's not because their evil
their human, they will mess up sometimes
The one you give your heart to
will disappoint you one day
It's not because they don't love you
their fighting demons that won't ever go away
The people you call your friends
will make mistakes that will upset you
It's not because they don't care about your friendship
it's just what they have to do
The sun won't always shine
sometimes it will rain
It doesn't mean something bad will happen
it's God's way of cleansing your pain
Your parents who you thought were perfect
may overstep their boundaries by telling you what to do
It's not because they doubt you
it's their way of saying that they care about you
The God you lean on 24/7
will cause you to hit rock bottom
It's not because he deserted you
it's the only way you will grow

That's the thing though. I don't give a flying **** about what other people think about me. I refuse to waste any more time giving pleasure to those who live to see me fail. I am well aware I am a chaotic, mentally ill, obsessed with words, etc. but at the end of the day I wouldn't live my life any other way.

I woke up this morning
with rain on my window
there was blood on my arms
and dried tears on my pillow
The knife that I used was sleeping on the floor
I looked at the clock
it was a quarter to four
Marilyn Manson was still playing as I got out of bed
thoughts of last night were hurting my head
My depression kicked in as I turned the music off
I felt ***** in my throat as I tried to cough
It is now five in the morning
I'm taking a shower
I'm starting to get cold
I've been showering for an hour
I step out of the tub
and I get the urge to cut
instead I slip on water
and fall on my ****

...................................

I woke up this morning
there's snow on my window
there are poems on the floor
and blood on my pillow
My heart starts to pound
and I start to cry
as I thank the Lord
for saving me from suicide

Someone once told me that to make my writing better you got to read two hours of different kinds of poetry everyday. They also said to make time to read everyday, even when I am tired. Not only will my writing get better but I as a person will get better because not only will I gain inspiration, I am also opening up my heart in a way that is very hard to do with actual people. As I read I will be taken to places I only dream of in my dreams. I will learn all sorts of things that you can't be taught in school. I will make friends with fictional characters that will teach me what it means to be a friend. I will discover things about myself I never knew were there and I will be reminded to dream impossible things. I may seem crazy for believing in the worlds I read about in my books but it's always the craziest people who dare to dream impossible things.

I know she played games with your heart
She made you afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve
I'm not the type that plays games
I'd do my best to give you everything you need
I know that she lied to you
You've built up walls because betrayal has left you scarred
With me you never have to worry about that
I wouldn't let anything break your heart
I know she said she loved you
Only to take it back when she found someone better
I would never get tired of loving you
I'd show you off to the whole world
I know she made you lose your faith in love
She took what you two shared and murdered it
Give me a chance to love you like you deserve
I'll show you that true love still exists


Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

I refer to those who are interested in the same *** as "The Cooler People."
Why?
They are the only group of people who have the courage to love who their heart desires with no fear at all
while us straight people are scared **** less to love who we really love because of what people might say or think.
The fact that same *** couples are fearless despite what the world thinks is really awesome and that makes them cooler than the rest of us.


Love Wins!

I was on a beach
The sky was grey yet no rain was in sight
There were seven other people on the beach with me
each one minding their own business
I was sitting in the sand
allowing my hands and feet to soak up the warmth the sand provided
I looked out into the ocean and noticed the water start to tremble
The trembling now reached the shore
and I felt myself tremble as well
It felt like an earthquake
The seven people began running off of the beach
I just sat there clueless to what was happening
All of a sudden I heard screams
I turned to my right and watched half of the beach fall away
taking the seven people with it
I stood up to run but I was forced to stop
as the remainder of the beach fell away
leaving me stranded on a giant cliff
There was nothing but water below me
with icebergs clinking against each other
The cliff I was standing on slowly began to crumble beneath my feet
I had no where to go
there was nothing I could do
Finally the rest of the cliff fell taking me with it
I fell in slow motion
I attempted to scream but I was silenced
when I let go of the possibility of surviving this nightmare
I landed in the water
my head hitting the corner of an iceberg
I floated in the ocean
as blood poured from the **** on my head

I wish I didn't need makeup to be beautiful.
Who gives a **** that cover up brings out my natural skin tone?
Why wear eyeshadow if it makes you look like you have two black eyes?
What is the point of mascara?
Who is going to care that your eyelashes look longer than usual?
Who cares how red your lips are?
THEN THE HAIR AND CLOTHES!
Why damage your hair to the point it looks like hay?
Why put so much hairspray in to the point your hair feels like a rock?
Why spend so much much time trying to wear the cutest, sexiest, most revealing outfit?
Who do we have to impress?
Why do we have to impress everyone we come in contact with?
Why is the world so obsessed with looking good?
I hate having to put in so much effort to be beautiful but I do it anyways.
I cover up my pores,
give myself black eyes,
make my lashes longer,
burn my hair and dress fancy all for what?
The boy who doesn't know I exist?
The mean girls who won't talk bad about me now that I've impressed them?
It won't matter. They will still talk ****.
Myself?
Do I really need to go through all this effort to feel beautiful?
What's the point?
Have I really let society brainwash me into thinking that I won't be beautiful without makeup?
I hate putting myself through this beauty rollercoaster
yet I do it every single day and I have no idea why.

I hate it when my parents fight
they have been doing it my whole life
Sometimes their arguments don't even make sense
I personally think they get off by fighting
If that is true
I don't understand why people do that
I hate fighting
The very idea of it
stresses me out to the point my stomach feels like
it is in flames
No one seems to care how much the drama stresses me out
How am I supposed to show my face for family fun
when I am dreading the social interaction
I don't want to be uncomfortable around my parents
yet I am sometimes
I could ignore how I feel
but that would cause me to emotionally shut down
Which in turn awakens the constant chaos that already corrupts my mind
I feel like I can't breathe now

Right now I don't feel so good
everything is out of place
it's hard to think clearly about anything
when tears keep falling down my face
My heart is shattered
there are pieces of me everywhere
I look like **** with these cuts on my wrists
but lately I don't really care
I'm losing the only person
who is worth feeling anything for
I know I will never see him again
once he walks out my front door
To live without him
it just scares me to death
I have the urge to throw up
which makes it impossible to rest
I don't know what's going to happen
I don't know what to do
all i know is I can't do this alone
I can't live my life without you
I'm just so scared
that's what I know for sure
right now I'm fearing our goodbye
that will happen once you walk our my front door.

Sometimes I wish I were a mermaid
so I can swim far away
I’d swim all the way to the north pole
and sing every step of the way
I’d want to be an ice mermaid
so I can survive in ice water
to be cold and blue all of the time
would be absolutely wonderful
my hair would be Emerald
with starfish for hair clips
my lips would be crystals and so would my fin
I’d sit on blocks of ice in the day
then sleep at night in the snow
and if I swim in the dark
my fin would shine and glow
my neighbors would be penguins
my friend would be a shark
I’d live inside a coral reef
shaped like a heart
my pet would be a sea lion
who can sing Christmas carols
I’d laugh and treat everyday like Christmas
as I play in snowy showers

Caring about what other people say
has always been a weakness of mine
That does not surprise me
I am a writer
I believe in the power of words
I believe words have the power to build you up
to the point you feel like you are flying
or drag you down until you're falling down a deep dark hole
like Alice did in Wonderland
Knowing how much power words hold
I make it a habit to speak things that empower people
There is so much negativity in the world
It is so easy to be mean
and make someone feel bad just by saying a few negative words
We all complain about the world being mean yet
we contribute to the negativity by saying things
that just should not be said
Instead of being mean with our words
let's be kind instead
Kindness holds the same amount of power words do
Put those two together and you get magic
Hearts soften with kind words
People believe in themselves when they are told kind things
People are better when they use kind words
I will always worry about what people say about me sometimes
That is my flaw
That is my problem
Not caring become easier on my self esteem
when I choose to speak kind words to those who are negative

Imagining a life without love
is like opening the door to depression
and asking depression to spend the
rest of it's life with you
I went through a period in my life
where I gave up on loving anyone or anything
I was so fed up with getting my heart broken,
not just by men but friends and relatives too,
that I became this emotionally, empty,
unhappy person
I was so miserable and angry that  without realizing it
I began to build up walls around myself
and my heart because I thought I was safer that way
I may have been safe but I was lonely
I was so lonely I became suicidal
and I had no one to blame but myself
I've learned that if I spend so much time
worrying about the "what could go wrong" situations
that I am missing out on potential happiness
waiting to enter my life and bring me
the best joy I could ever know
I've also learned that heartbreak of any kind,
although it can be agonizing,
can open doors to people and adventures
I never knew I needed in my life
I have a deeper respect for relationships of any kind
I am more willing now to put aside my stubborness
and compromise more because I have a deeper appreciation
for people and their differences
I've felt the pain one can experience with love
and I've also felt the joy
The joy outweighs the pain every single time
I will never make the mistake to push love away ever again
Love is something no human being
can live without