He was a loser
girls never gave him a chance
they laughed at him for how he dressed
they made fun of the way he danced
he had long hair down to his shoulders
with the most beautiful blue eyes
guys called him horrible names
and ruined his reputation by spreading lies
his teeth were far from perfect
yet his smile was contagious
his idol was Kurt Cobain
**** kept him calm when he felt nervous
he always dressed in black
he looked scary but he was really nice
although he was very quiet
he had the talent of giving great advice
he was a cutter
like most teens he felt like a reject
he wanted to drop out of school
but he wasn’t sixteen yet
he was exhausted from being bullied
and frustrated that teachers didn’t care
whenever he tried to ask for help
all a teacher said was “you need to cut your hair!”
One day at school
a group of guys kicked his ***
the boy wore a hoobie
to stay warm from class to class
the guys tore off his sweater
they saw the cuts on his skin
they told him “GO **** YOURSELF”
and that’s exactly what he did
He ran home freezing
he went in his house and grabbed his Dad’s gun
he went down into the basement
he had finally had enough
he put the gun in his mouth
the shot echoed in the halls
the gun dropped from his hands
as his sad thoughts covered the walls

My sister is twelve weeks pregnant
she is having complications
She started bleeding three days ago
she thinks she is going to have a miscarriage
Something to do with the placenta tore
but the baby still has a heartbeat
Not only can my sister not lift anything
she has to stay off of her feet
I have never seen my sister worry
She is normally really strong
When I saw her crying three mornings ago
I knew that something was wrong
To hear that I might lose my niece or nephew killed me
I left the room to talk to God
I sat on a sidewalk, begin to cry
then I started praying really hard
I asked God to take my life
I told him that I would give my life for that baby
I told him he could break my heart by taking away my boyfriend
I would get over it eventually
I told him to get me pregnant and take my child
I can handle the loss better than my sister can
I asked him to give me excruciating pain
I am pretty good at holding my own hand
I told him that I would rather have cancer
than to see my sister in pain
I asked him to please let the baby live
that I would do anything
I will give up whatever I have to
so that baby has a chance at life
I promised I would not be bitter
as long as my sister was alright
I told him I was ready to go at anytime
if he has to take me then go ahead
Just as long as I do not have to hear the words
that my sister's child is dead
I would sacrifice my life for my sister
I would do the same for her kids as well
I would do anything God asked me to
just as long as my sister doesn't  have to go through this hell

You want to know why I don't trust people?
People lie.
People use your passions to discover your weaknesses and when your not looking they take those weaknesses, build a knife with them then stab you repeatedly in the back.

You want to know why I don't trust men?
Men break things.
Men say all the right things to get into your heart and once you say "I love you" they rip you apart until you no longer recognize yourself then toss you away like garbage.

You want to know why I prefer to be alone?
Socializing brings problems.
Socializing leads to friendships,
friendships leads to trust,
trust leads to memories you capture in pictures that eventually end up in boxes at the top of your closet because the ones you used to socialize with are now strung out on drugs.
They don't even remember your name.
They don't remember the late nights at the river crying because their boyfriend cheated on them with some *****.
They don't remember cake fights at birthday parties or the endless hours we sat playing with puppies in the park talking about our dreams.
Drugs don't allow you to remember that ****.

You want to know why I'm scared to have kids?
History.
History repeats itself.
My history isn't good. It's bad and it's not my fault.
I was a child going through things I didn't deserve because of choices my parents made.
My father was an alcoholic abusive ******* who didn't want me.
I look like my mom but I have my father's personality.
I don't want to bring a child into this world so I can drink and abuse them too. That's not fair to them.
I can change my name.
I can't change the blood that runs through my veins.

You want to know why I'm so guarded?
Fear of rejection.
Rejection is something I'm way too familiar with.
I know it so well I can give you a list of memories from throughout my life and rejection will always be a part of the story.
I was rejected at one day old by someone who was supposed to protect me from monsters in the closet.
I was rejected by family because of what I looked like.
I was rejected by peers in school because I wasn't good enough.
I was rejected by guys because I wasn't slutty enough,
I was rejected for having dreams,
I was rejected by church peers because I wasn't Christian enough.
Rejection brings heartache, embarrassment, shame, low self esteem and insecurities you wouldn't believe.
Eventually you get tired of rejection and you build a wall so big no one, not even God could get through if he tried.
You live your life in isolation and you would rather be alone than take the chance of being hurt again.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 5, 2015 Tuesday 10:38 P.M.

The world says I'm ugly
I say I'm beautiful
The world says I'm stupid
I say I'm smart
The world says I'm fat
I say I'm pretty ****
The world says I'm lame
I say I'm interesting
The world says I'm a *****
I say I'm tough
The world says I'm weak
I say I'm strong
The world says I'm nothing
I say their hilarious
The world says I'm weird
I say I'm unique
The world says I'm a freak
I say I'm different
The world says I'm too much to handle
I say they can't take a challenge
The world says I'm heartless
I call it not putting up with *******
The world says I'm a ****
I say their just jealous
The world says no one will love me
I say Mr. right hasn't shown up yet
The world says to **** myself
I say keep going
The world tells me to change
I say "HELL NO" and continue to be myself
The world says I'm not perfect
I say "so...neither are you"

I have figured out my problem
at least I would like to think that I have
I have an odd obsession with time, age,
and things that have gone wrong in my past
I am so terrified of the past repeating itself
I can't enjoy the present moment
I am so unsure of what I want for my future
so I just sit around worrying about it
I need to understand that I have time to figure things out
I know I am not guaranteed a tomorrow
but I can't spend all of my time stressing
I am twenty-three years old
I can't expect myself to have all of the answers
yet I do
When I remind myself of my age
I feel guilty and angry for not being as far in life
as most people my age are
It is my fault for being where I am
I don't want all of the normal things most people want
I want to travel and see the world
not stay stuck at home raising babies
I made a promise to myself a long time ago
that I wouldn't be like everyone else
I wasn't going to allow myself to feel stupid
for wanting other things people think are impossible
I broke that promise
by breaking that promise I allowed myself
to open the door to a past I was
trying so hard not to repeat
I let my depression get the best of me
I let other people's doubts come between me and my dreams
I looked through the eyes of someone who never dared to dream
and I died
At least I thought that I had died
I stopped believing in things that
only happen in movies and I was miserable
Maybe I am crazy and immature to believe in such silly things
at least I believe in something
The world through my eyes may look silly
but at least I have a reason to get out of bed every morning

They call her fat
but she's really not
She's actually really pretty
in fact she's hot
They make her feel stupid
and embarrassed to show her skin
Because of their words
her weight is growing thin
She's so unhappy
you should see her face
She wants to breathe
and get away from this place
There's no one else she can talk to
nobody cares
So she keeps losing weight
because nobody cares
You have no idea how this girl feels
when she has problems
Starving and cutting is how she deals
She just wants to die
she's suffocating anyways
and they still call her fat
every single day.

Are you really going to worry about stupid people
who don't have anything nice to say?
If someone is bringing you down
be the bigger person and just walk away.
People will always judge you
even if you do what they want
you can never please miserable people
so why give them all that you got?
There is "CAN" in the word "can't" for a reason
because there is no such thing as can't
you can choose to listen to those who don't believe in you
or block them out and take a stand.
Be happy with who you are
you were put here for a reason
who are they to tell you your not worthy
and to make you feel less of a person?
You are beautiful inside and out
don't believe any differently
never let yourself believe that you will never be somebody
Being you is the best thing you could ever do
you don't have to explain yourself to anyone
spread your wings and don't be afraid to allow yourself to become something great.

People think they know everything
they really don't know anything at all
they don't know how **** you look when you get out of the shower
or how deep your voice sounds during a phone call.
They don't know how fast my heart beats
when you randomly stare at me
they don't know how gorgeous your body is
when your lying naked next to me.
They don't know about the commitments we've made
in case one of us were to die
they don't know our special word we say
when we want to leave a party early at night.
They don't know about the plans we made
for our future life together
they don't know about the promises we made
or our belief in our love lasting forever.
They don't know about the endless letters you wrote to me
when distance consumed our lives
they don't know about the fears we faced
and all the tears we cried.
They don't know about the fights we had
that only made us stronger
they don't know about the hell we went through
just to stay together.
They don't know the last words you said to me
before you passed away
they didn't see the sparkle leave your eyes
or how your lips went from cherry red to gray.
They didn't know how tightly I squeezed your hand
begging you to hold on
they didn't know the guilt I felt
for ever doing you wrong
they didn't know the thoughts that were in my head
the first night I was home without you
they didn't know about the sleepless nights I had
because I couldn't sleep without you.
They will never know how heartbroken I was
the day I let go of it all
they will never know my last thoughts
as I pulled the trigger and let the last of my thoughts spray all over our bedroom wall.

I've been wanting to **** myself for a long time
I just don't have the guts to do it
I've thought of ways to die as I lay in bed at night
but I keep telling myself to forget it
I listen to my heartbeat as I fall asleep
and pray to God that it stops eventually
yet no matter how many times I plead and beg for death
I still waked up to my ****** up reality
I'm waiting for the day I take my last breath
so the world will realize what they lost
I want people to ******* notice I'm hurting
I wish I had a remote that puts the world on pause
I'm walking in circles not getting anywhere
and it is eating away at me like moth's on dead flesh
I sit on my bed with a cigarette in my hand
realizing my time to go hasn't come just yet
I want to rip out my hair
so the ugliness on the inside will show on the outside
I want to scream until my vocal cords rip apart
so I didn't have to speak to another life
I want to throw up everything that eats me alive
I want to stop crying all the time
I want to run away and never come back
that way no one has to hear me whine
I want to stop being so overwhelmed
I want my head to stop huritng
I wish this pain would disappear
I want to stop feeling like I'm constantly dying.

All I want is to be in your arms
I want to be the one who wipes your tears away
I want to be the one who can look at you and know exactly what your thinking
I want to have a life with you
I want to be the one to tell you everything is going to be okay
I want to be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with
I want to make you smile always
if you stay in my arms
you will never fall
nothing will ever hurt you
my love for you won't allow you to feel pain
your life, your world, your heart will change if only you were to make me your girl
let me show you how much I love you
once you have me you aren't going to want to let me go.

Last night I had a nightmare
that everyone I knew was dead
there were bodies all over the floor
there were even some in my bed
When I turned on the light there was blood everywhere
brains were all over the walls
some bodies were headless, some hung from there stomachs
about ready to fall.

When I left my room I ended up in a hallway
and saw a girl cutting her wrists
she looked at me as she held  the razor up
and whispered real loudly "you want this?"
I felt ***** coming up my throat and ran to the bathroom
only to find a tub full of blood
lying in it was a naked girl
letting the tub overflow like a flood
I stood there scared out of my mind
until I noticed the girl looked like me.

I screamed and ran into the girl from the hallway
she grabbed me and wouldn't let me breathe
"ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?" she yelled
"ISN'T CUTTING YOUR BEST FRIEND?
DON'T YOU SEE? I'M HERE TO HELP YOU!
I'M BRINGING YOU TO YOUR END!
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO **** YOURSELF BABY GIRL SO TAKE THIS RAZOR AND ******* DO IT!
RID YOURSELF FROM THIS EVIL WORLD!"

I fought her off and screamed "NO!"
I threw the razor on the floor
She laughed and said "are you scared?
I thought you didn't want to be here anymore?"
I fell to the ground and cried hysterically asking God for help
the girl in the hallway just kept laughing while screaming "GOD WON'T SAVE YOU NOW!"
The girl looked at me and said "your pathetic wishing you could die.
You want to be dead so ******* bad go and give suicide a try.
You see that ***** in the tub?
That's you if you make this choice.
You will be nothing but a ****** corpse who will no longer have a voice."

I told her I didn't want to
then she called me a *****
she began to call me stupid as she told me how I was so lucky.
She told me I was strong
but I was choosing to be weak
every time I opened my mouth
she wouldn't let me speak
She told me to make a choice
it was either life or death
she told me to hurry up
because I didn't have much time left
she said "you want to be a quitter, take this razor and slit away
but once you do it your done for
and this is how you'll be remembered everyday.
Or you can **** it up
and be the strong Mandie I know you can be
the one who doesn't give into this **** like a depressed wannabe."

I told her I wanted life
then she asked me "Why?
All you do is complain and you never try.
You want to change the world?
Be the change you wish to see
or else you can **** yourself and spend eternity misreable like me.
You got so much to offer
stop being afraid
stop putting yourself down and listening to what other's have to say.
Cut the ******* and start living
don't wait for life to come to you
and stop thinking suicide is the answer because killing yourself is the worst thing you can do."

I turned around and looked at myself in the tub
that's not who I wanted to be
I want to live and be happy
not dead and lonely
the girl told me "You got one shot, don't **** this up
go back to your bed this will all be gone when you wake up."
As I walked back to my bedroom
all the bodies began to disappear
the blood was no longer on the walls
and I no longer felt fear.
When I awoke the next morning
there was a message on my mirror
"This is your last chance"
and for the first time my future was clear.

We have one hour to spend together before you leave
let's make this hour worthwhile
Let's say all of the things we used to be afraid to say
without paying attention to the clock's ticking dials
Let's lie in each other's arms
reminiscing about the day we met
Let's be open and vulnerable until we cry
not giving a **** if our faces get wet
Let's hold each other close until the moment we say goodbye
comes to destroy our lives
If you only had one more hour to spend with the one you love
how would you spend your time?

They floated there in the water
freezing to their deaths
Their lips were ice and blue
there was frost on their breaths
The Titanic sank an hour ago
it took all that they had with it
Now all that they had were each other
neither one complained about it
Jack loved Rose since he saw her standing on Titanic's deck
he lost is breath as the wind blew through her red hair
She was a rich woman, he was a poor man
neither of them seemed to care
They would spend time together regardless of what other people thought
together they were free
As long as they were in each other's arms
they could be whoever they wanted to be
On their last night on the Titanic
their love was put to the test
Rose didn't want to be away from Jack
he was her prime example of how truly she was blessed
They held onto each other more than they ever did that night
up until the very end Jack reassured Rose that they would be alright
Once they were in the water
panic never hit their souls
Jack made sure they stayed together
he never let go of his beloved Rose
They found a part of a door
that was floating on the ocean's surface
The both of them together could not fit
yet they did not become hopeless
Jack let Rose lay on the door
so she wouldn't have to freeze
He stayed close to her side
while keeping afloat with his knees
They ignored the cold around them
by talking about their love
Jack told Rose how much he loved her
and how much he thanked the Lord above for her

As an hour or two passed
Jack and Rose grew very quiet
Almost everyone around them was dead
therefore it was silent
Rose looked up at the stars
and sang the song Jack had sung to her before
An icy tear slid down her cheek
as she thanked God for bringing him to her
Out of the corner of her eye
Rose saw a rescue boat up ahead
Her heart started thumping
not everyone was dead
She turned to Jack to let him know
but something shut her up
Jack's eyes were closed
he wasn't waking up
She called his name over and over
she told him there was a boat
She started crying when he didn't respond
she didn't want him to go
She grabbed his hand tightly
and cried against his nose
She knew that no matter what happened
she would always be his Rose
Knowing that he was gone
she began to cry her hardest
As she kissed his hand one last time
she said "I will never let go, I promise"
Her heart fell to pieces
she lost all emotion
She watched Jack slip away
deep into the ocean

Years passed since that night
Rose lived her life until she got too old
She never told anyone her Titanic story
she didn't think it was meant to be told
She spent her life out by the sea to be closer to Jack
not a day passed by where she didn't want him back
She finally told her story to her granddaughter and friends
when she went to sleep that night
She slipped away to heaven
to be with Jack again

They can say whatever they want
what they say won't affect me
I am going to stay strong like I always do
I will be the best Mandie I can be
All these people do is talk
because their bored with their lives
Their not happy unless their ******* somebody off
and no one really knows why
Maybe their jealous of me
I can't understand the reason
It seems they want what I have
and what I have is what they need
Even though these people are jerks
I still choose to be nice
I will hold them if they need to cry
and I will be there to give them advice
I am feeling really great right now
nothing can bring me down
I am not tired and I am not angry
I have a smile instead of a frown
Today is a good day
I'm hoping it stays that way
My main goal for this very day is to not give a rat's *** about what others have to say

I feel like I cannot breathe
I feel like I am suffocating under so much pressure that I am forgetting who I am
I just want to explode
All of my emotions are eating away at me and no matter how hard I cry they will not leave my body
I just want to scream
I want to sleep and never wake up
I want to run away to a world where pain does not exist
I really want things to be the way they used to be
When friends were there for you no matter what you did
When school was like a giant playground because everything you did was fun
When the only time you cried was when you fell off of your bike and skinned your knee
When the only thing you had to worry about were your brothers destroying your Barbie dolls
When just a kiss from your Mom healed the heartbreak of the first boy who did not like you

Now as I sit in algebra writing this
I think about the times I have hurt myself just to numb the pain inside
I think about the boyfriends who broke up with me and I still loved them because I promised to always love them
I think of all the friends I never had due to moving around so many times
I think about the times I chose not to eat because I thought I had to be thin like Britney Spears just to be considered beautiful
I have wasted so much time in my teen years
I followed everyone else instead of following my heart
I ran away from my problems instead of facing them
I had so much potential but I was too dumb and too blind to see that
Now I am seeing who I really am
I am finally gaining the courage to be myself
I can't take back the years that I lost
All things happen for a reason
I am thankful for half the crap I went through
Those hard times made me a better person
I have loved, I have hated
I have been used, I have been betrayed
No matter who hurts me, no matter what happens
I love my life either way
I am happy with the friends I have
They always put a smile on my face
Whether they choose to walk out of my life
Whether they choose to stay in my life
No one can ever take their place

I still feel like I cannot breathe
The pressure is slowly going away
Even though I am very tired
I am going to push myself through this day
Even though I want to explode
I will not let my emotions get the best of me
I am going to breathe, I am going to be strong
and just let the day be

Tonight I went looking for my sister in the dark after her boyfriend left her stranded in the cold
Tonight I held her as her heart broke into pieces because that same ******* of a man left her for his ex wife
Tonight I watched my window shatter from the heart of a girl who has finally had enough
Tonight I sat in the cold with a cigarette in my hand crying because I felt helpless
Tonight one of my best friends admitted to me that she tried **** twice
Tonight I felt like cutting but I didn't
Tonight I felt myself turn inside out like a nightmare I can't control
Tonight I feel lost
Tonight is just a ****** night

Someone told me you were asking about me
you wanted to know how I've been
I told that person your not worthy enough to know anything about me
so the next time just change the subject
If you were really concerned about my well being
you would ask me yourself
instead of playing dumb to all of my friends
and wanting answers from everyone else
The truth is though I have been wonderful
I've never felt more alive
the day you left is the day you chose to let me go
and I'm grateful for the goodbye
Your exit brought many new friends
who would love to kick your ***
but I tell them your not worth it
because you are now part of my past
I'm sure you thought I would be sad for awhile
but I've been through this crap before
I know how it will go from here
you'll eventually end up at my door
Only this time when you knock
I won't answer you at all
you don't deserve me or my heart
I won't let you treat me like a toy anymore

It's four in the morning
yet here I am wide awake
thinking of all the reasons why I
am a *******.
Out of all the bad habits that need to be broken
this one I can never seem to shake.
What the **** is wrong with me?

I sat next to your hospital bed
gently holding your hand
I was trying my best to stay strong
but it was hard because I didn't understand
You were dying in front of my eyes
there was nothing I could do
but I sat with you everyday
because I didn't want to be away from you
When the doctor said they did all that they could
I got frustrated with their words
they told me you would soon be gone
you will never know how much that hurt
to be told your losing the one you love
and you have no sense of control
it leaves you helpless and speechless
and in your heart it forms a hole
When you started throwing up your food
I knew what was coming next
your body was going to shut down more
all you could do was rest
I stayed up for nights praying
that a miracle would come
but I don't think God heard me
he still took you away from everyone.

The day you died was horrible
I wanted to fall apart
but I couldn't let you see me cry
so instead I kept strong
it took all I could to laugh with you
whenever you told a joke
it took every part of me to smile
whenever you spoke
on the night you night
you quietly whispered my name
you put your hand on my cheek
and for a minute it felt like nothing changed
you looked at me with those beautiful eyes
and you told me the words "I love you"
that's when it hit me
your life was finally through.

I kissed your lips for the last time
I laid beside you as you closed your eyes
I kept listening to your heartbeat
until God took away your life
when the beeping on the monitor went blank
I sat up and looked at the screen
I saw the flat line flashing
and right then I released everything
I think about that moment a lot
that memory never leaves my brain
I think about it so much
that it keeps me from doing anything
everyday is a struggle
it's a struggle because your not here
I'm used to doing everything with you
your voice was all that I used to hear
everything changed with one diagnosis
we didn't have time to prepare
so many dreams we had were shattered
but at the time we didn't care
So many things happened
during the last days of your life
your death taught me appreciation
it taught me to realize
that life here on earth is short
you never know when your time is up
you taught me to keep on fighting
and to never worry about the small stuff
I miss you more everyday
some days are hard, some days are easy
but I remind myself everyday
that you are always here with me
I will never forget our life together
you are someone I will always treasure
thank you for keeping your promise
to always love me forever and ever.

Whenever I’m with you
all of my problems disappear
It’s like you take away the bad
so my eyes see more clear
Everytime your in my presence
I feel really relaxed
I don’t worry about anything
it’s like I no longer have a past
I’m beautiful in your eyes
you make me feel so blessed
you make me feel so ****
even when I look like a mess
I can be anything I want to be
when I’m wrapped up in your arms
I can make mistakes and you laugh with me
as if I never did anything wrong
I’m your angel
you sayI’m everything you need
if that’s how you really feel about me
then go ahead and marry me
You are the only man
that I see a future with
you love me when I’m really happy
you love me more when I am ******
I couldn’t ask for a better guy
your seriously outstanding
no one makes me feel this good
and the feelings I have are amazing
Whenever I’m alone
I don’t worry about what I am going through
whenever you see a smile on my face
it’s always because of you

I fell in love with you during the most magical time of the year
The leaves were changing
Everything tasted like pumpkin
Hoodies were being worn with jeans and leggings
Hot cider replaced water
and cool winds replaced the heat
I met you while walking down the street
Your brown hair was a mess from the wind
You were wearing a Metallica t-shirt with a hoodie
that looked like it had been with you through high school
You were carrying a gas station coffee that looked delicious
considering that was what my walk was for
You and I were waiting to use the same crosswalk
We each had a headphone in an ear that was blasting a Bruce Springsteen song
After noticing this you asked me what my favorite song by Bruce was
With blushing cheeks I answered "Tougher Than The Rest"
As you shook your head to move the hair from your face
you responded "Me too"
The crosswalk said walk so we walked
We ended up walking to Seattle's Best Coffee House
I got confused at the coffee you already had in your hand
You informed me that the cup was filled with change collected from weeks before
I invited you to have a coffee with me
While I treated us to coffee
you treated us to muffins you promised me were the best
As we took our seats in the coffee house
we both sipped our coffee
as the radio began to play the song "Tougher Than The Rest"

You loved me when I wanted to give up
You loved me from far away
You loved me at my absolute worst
You loved me on my birthday
You loved me when I was stressed
You loved me when I slept
You loved me in pajamas and messy hair
You loved me in heels and a dress
You loved me when I was poor
You loved me when I was rich
You loved me when I was kind
You loved me when I was a *****
You loved me when I was crying
You loved me when I was angry
You loved me when I was doubtful
You loved me when I was succeeding
You loved me when I was reckless
You loved me when I was strong
You loved me when my scars were cuts
You loved me when I was wrong
You loved me in the snow
You loved me in the rain
You loved me when I couldn’t love myself
You loved me through everything

Her:                                                                            Him:

I love you                                                                  I hate you
I need you                                                                 Leave me alone
Let's start over                                                          Forget you ever met me
Don't do this                                                             It's done. Let it go
I thought you loved me                                          I lied
I care for you                                                            Drop dead
Why are you doing this?                                        I found someone else
So that's it then                                                        Yeah! Goodbye!
I guess I'll move on                                                 I already have
I still love you                                                          I don't
I always have and always will.                             I don't and I never did.

This is true. I don't trust people. I have been lied to and betrayed so much that I exhaust myself into being one step ahead of everybody just to keep myself from getting hurt. Every conversation, every action gets analyzed like an insect in a **** lab when it comes to being around people. With a person as sensitive as me, it is very easy to fall for someone's lies. It's like a crime scene, my wounded heart is the ****** crime scene and anyone who even dares to love me or show me any kind of positive attention is a suspect until proven innocent. Sometimes proving to myself that not everyone is the devil in disguise takes a very long time and I promise you it is exhausting in every way possible.

When someone wakes you up in the middle of the night
whether it's by phone, e-mail, text or in person
because they are upset and need someone
do not get mad, irritated or annoyed with that person.
Think about it that person is falling apart
and out of all of the people in their life they could talk to
and lean on
they chose you.
For whatever reason they chose to come to you
They chose to let you in during their most vulnerable moment
because they trust you
Being able to trust someone is a big moment for any human being
Be happy that you are trusted with the most beautiful thing
a human being can offer
Being able to open up and allow someone into your heart
when you are sad is risky for anyone
That person opened up to you
Cherish that
Take that seriously
To be trusted is a rare gift
Don't ever take it for granted

I know the negative stuff people say about me
I sleep around
I am too emotional
I'm fat
I post too much on social media
I am an attention *****
I'm annoying
I'm fake
I'm too emo
I'm immature
My front teeth look like double doors kicked in
I dye my hair too much
I repeat outfits
I wear the same t-shirt a lot
I'm white trash
I'm a drama starter
My taste in music *****
I'm too poor
My poetry stinks
My head is too far up in the clouds
I'm worthless
I play victim too much
My acne makes my face look like it is covered in pepperoni's
I should go **** myself
I have been called every name in the book
I have been attacked verbally in every way possible
I'm called names through social media
I'm called names to my face and behind my back
People are going to talk no matter what I do
Does it hurt my feelings?
Hell yes it does!
The only way these people and their mean comments have any power over me is if I allow them to have power over me
I am a human being with feelings that get hurt sometimes
I am also a human being who is strong and knows better than to let foolish people, some who have never even met me personally, to have any kind of negative affect on my life
I am well aware of what people say about me
I am also aware of all of the people in my life who love me
The ones who love me are the ones worth worrying about
Not the haters

I would just like to take a moment to celebrate my brother Ty. Despite the ******* life throws his way he always manages to get out of bed and get **** done. Whenever I speak to him it doesn't feel like I am talking to a 21 year old young man. I feel like I am talking to a very wise soul. A soul who even though speaks very little words, his heart is revealed through his actions. He may make mistakes just like all human beings do but when I need a hug from my baby brother I know that I will never be denied the opportunity to cry on his shoulder. I love you Ty Andrew. When you are 80 years old whenever I look at you I will still see you as the tiny blue eyed two year old asking me to help him steal cookies from Mom's cookie jar. I am proud of you. You are a great brother and a wonderful Father. Do not let anyone tell you differently.

When the guy your in love with doesn't love you
it's almost impossible to breathe
a part of you just falls apart
your no longer in one piece
To see him talk to a beautiful girl
just stings in one place
then he asks you what you think of her
and you have to lie to his face
"She's incredible, she's amazing
you should totally ask her out"
when really you want to kiss his lips
and tell him you love him out loud
but you stop yourself and you smile
and support him instead
Yet inside your hurting
and you got so many thoughts racing through your head
Everynight before you go to sleep
you ask God to help you feel better
but something inside tells you to hang on
as you put your feelings toward letters
their addressed to him of course
but he doesn't know that
you keep them in a box hidden
and you don't look back
Broken hearts are supposed to heal
but this time it's different
your heart isn't healing
it's remaining broken
so you cry until sleep falls over you
and you dream hopeless dreams
"maybe things will change" you think
however impossible that may seem.

I am looking forward to the day
when I will stop being judged
just for breathing.

I find it really offensive when people tell me they worry about me because I don't have a man in my life
"Don't you get lonely?"
"Don't you want to meet your Prince Charming?"
"Don't you want to be happy?"
"Don't you want someone to share your life with?"
"You better get out there because you won't be young forever."
"You NEED a man."
Let me take a moment to answer those questions

Yes I get lonely
That is why God gave us friends so we have someone to call when we get lonely

No I don't want to meet my Prince Charming
I am my own Prince Charming
I am strong enough to handle my own problems
I don't need a man cleaning up my messes

Who said I wasn't happy?
I have a family that grows everyday leaving me with that much more people to love
I have friends who encourage me to be my goofy self which makes me confident to be myself
I have my poetry, I have music, I have other things that bring my heart joy
I don't have time to be unhappy
There is more to life than men

Yes I would like someone to share my life with but I'm not rushing things
Love is not something that you can rush
It happens in it's own time
I've been around long enough to know that things always work out the way they should
I have no time to have anxiety about something that I cannot control

My age does not determine my future relationship status
People can fall in love at any age
Don't try to use age as a way to scare me into something I am not ready for

I do not NEED a man
I will be with someone because I want to be
NEED makes you desperate
WANT means you know what you are getting yourself into
Even the most healthy relationships end sometimes
If you NEED a man to feel good about yourself
you still have insecurity issues that need to be dealt with
How can you love someone else if you can't love yourself?
You can't

The worlds outlook on love is beyond messed up
Love is more than meeting someone, marrying them and so on
It's about letting someone into your heart and allowing them to love the parts of you that you thought could never be loved
Love is about putting someone else ahead of yourself
Love is about encouragement, acceptance, happiness and growth
Not ***, fighting, divorce and being forced into something you don't want to do
Love is finding someone you collide with perfectly and still finding happiness in each other even when the rest of the world is doing all it can to see you miserable

Life is full of possibilities
Let me live my life
Let me enjoy my happiness the way it is
Stop trying to change my personal happiness

When I first showed interest in you
you told me to find someone better
You told me you would end up breaking my heart
and that you could not stand the image of me crying
I didn't understand
You were such a gentleman
You told me yourself that you have never been in a relationship
so how could you know what type of boyfriend you would be
I knew you were keeping a secret
The way you acted sent off signs
After months of being your friend
you finally told me your secret
You told me that you had cancer
You have had it for a year
The day we met was the same day
your doctor told you that you would pass away soon
You also told me that you have been in love with me
since the day you laid eyes on me
You wouldn't allow yourself to be with me
because you didn't think it was fair
to let me fall for someone who was going to die
That was not your choice to make
I loved you before I even knew you were sick
I fell for you even more through our friendship
and the fact that you were sick didn't change how I felt
I kissed you
I kissed you multiple times until you kissed me back
I was determined to make you see that I wasn't going anywhere
Your cancer didn't scare me

It is six months later now
You're confined to your bed
Your cancer has taken over your body
You can't even hold my hand without wincing
I just lay next to you
I'm not sure if I will look into your eyes tomorrow
yet I'm not scared
You have shown me that life will end for us all one day
so embracing the moments is mandatory
Getting lost in moments that won't ever come again is a must
I feel your hand on mine
You feel different
You feel at peace
I turn my head to look at you
You're staring right at me
You smile so perfectly
as God finally sets you free

I am terrified of love
The thought of a man loving me unconditionally terrifies me
I would rather be alone and miserable than face my fear
I am such a ******* coward

(The things you write about when you are under the influence)

She takes the blade off the shelf
and puts it to her vein
she wants to rip herself apart
she wants to leave behind everything
She’s a mistake in this world
she’s been told so by her peers
now she sits on the bathroom floor
crying out endless tears
She drags the blade across her wrist
splitting her vein in half
her eyes widen in fear
as the floor turns into a blood bath
Her body goes limp
as the blade falls from her hand
she lets her hair soak up the blood
God, it’s just so sad
How one little comment
can hurt someone so bad
that they take their own life
not giving a **** about the life they led
She is free from this world now
no one can hurt her anymore
her heart stops beating
as her last tear hits the floor

I am different in many ways
I don't expect you to understand
I'm sad when I'm happy
I'm happy when I'm mad
I have days where I can be myself
and days when I can't
There are days when I get so upset
that I become a person even I don't understand
I get so emotional
that I could drown in my tears
I can't seem to let go of the baggage that I have been carrying around for years
I get so frustrated because good times never last
I wish the world would just freeze
because it's moving way too fast...

You told me to wait for you
I did
you never came back for me,

You told me to be honest with you
I was
and you got mad at me,

You told me to be happy
I was
you never saw that,

You told me to go after my dreams
I tried
you got so jealous,

You told me to be faithful
I was
you accused me of being a *****,

You told me to trust you
I did
you left my heart at the door,

You told me to be myself
I did
you didn't like who I was,

When questions would arise about why we did what we did
I had a good reason
all you could say was "because",

You told me to make a choice
I did
I chose you,

You tossed me away like a ******* toy
after all we have been through,

You told me I was always wrong
after all of the things that you have done,

You told me to go away
I did
I moved on

He said I was a daydream
disguised as a nightmare
He said that I am a nice person
full of a lot of compassion
yet I pretend to be mean
to keep myself from being hurt
He's right
It was then the walls around my heart fell down
and I was no longer afraid to feel

You cannot be terrified to lose someone you lost a long time ago
You cannot be loved by somebody who does not want to love you back
You cannot make someone fall in love with you
All you can do is give them the opportunity to be with you
If they pass you up say okay, go out and find somebody who not only wants to be with you now
they want to be with you until they take their last breath

I'm a very strong person
I can handle a lot
but sometimes I break down and cry
when I feel I've had enough
I can fake a smile like most people
but I don't like to deny my pain
I'm not afraid to feel broken
I don't freak out from a little rain
I know everything happens for a reason
but I can't help to question my exsistence
sometimes I feel like I'm not meant to be here
I overwhelm myself with unanswered questions
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream
and no matter what I can't wake up
I get myself worked up for no reason
until I eventually throw up
No one understands what it's like
to live in a mind of racing thoughts
Sometimes I want to blow my brains out
just to shut the voices up
No matter what my strength always speaks for itself
I've come to terms with who I am
I'm proud to not be like everyone

He sat down in front of me with shaky hands and said

"There's this girl I know
she is unbelievably beautiful
Whenever I look at her I forget how to breathe
and when she smiles
Oh my God when she smiles
my world gets a little brighter
She always knows the right thing to say
whenever I'm feeling down
It's like she can read my thoughts
I can tell her anything
and it doesn't matter how crazy I sound
she just listens and reassures me everything will be okay
and I believe her when she says that
because she doesn't make me feel ashamed of myself
She sees both the good and bad in me
yet she doesn't run away
She has seen me angry and she does all she can to calm me down
Whenever I am with her I want to hold her
Every time she calls my name I want to kiss her
and ask her to say it again
I dream about her and it's always the same dream
she is lying in bed next to me just looking at me
and I just look back at her breathless and when I wake up
I want so badly to fall back to sleep so I can feel her next to me
one more time
She is everything I ever dreamed of
and I fear I missed out on my chance to be with her
I need to tell her how I feel but if she doesn't feel the same way
although it will crush me but I won't be angry
I would rather have her as my friend than nothing at all
I just don't know how she will respond to all of this"

I took in a deep breath and processed what I just heard
With the best wisdom I can come up with I told him
"You need to tell her that you feel this way
word for word
everything
no holding back
She deserves to know how you feel
so tell her"

With innocent fear in his eyes he looked me straight in the eye
and said "I already did"

Vader the black nosed pitbull
had a very lovely smile
and if you ever saw him
you would stare for quite awhile
All of the other pitbulls
laughed at him because of his size
they wanted nothing to do with him
but boy were they in for a surprise
Then one day in Bullhead City
a man gave Vader a home
They left the pound with joy in their hearts
and now Vader was no longer alone
Now Vader has a family
and they're all filled with glee
Vader the black nosed pitbull
is the best dog in history

Their talking to me
they won't go away
They tell me bad things
every single day
They laugh at me
you should hear what they say
They take away my energy
and make it hard to talk
They torment me
they make it hard to stand
They leave me lonely
so no one can hold my hand
They call me names
and tell me to die
So I sit at my desk
and write my last goodbye
They keep on talking
they won't stop
Their breaKING mY heaRT
and THey Won'T stop
They KEEp ON TALKING
I WANT THEM TO STOP
I KEEP HEARING VOICES
PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!!!!

No I'm not gay
I'm just waiting for "the one"
I refuse to put my heart through agony
such as heartbreak itself
I'm not into one night stands
blind dates and all that
I believe in love at first sight
The kind of love where you meet someone  in the most unusual places such as the grocery store
The love where you look at someone and you just know you are going to spend the rest of your life with that person
I've had my share of boyfriends
neither of them were the one
they say to find Mr. right your heart has to go through multiple heartbreaks sometimes
I think I've had enough heartbreaks to scar a heart permanently
For now I'm staying single
spending my days getting to know myself better as a person sounds more entertaining than a date with my favorite celebrity
I'm saving my heart and love for someone special
not sure who that person is yet but I will find him
Eventually
I just have to wait
I'm sure he is looking for me too
When our paths cross, however that may be, I will know if he is the one
They say with love you just know
when I meet him I'll know
and I'll be so glad I waited for him all this time.

He likes hot chocolate
I like lattes
He loves Netflix on Fridays
and I love kisses on Sundays
I wonder what he thinks
when he's sipping his drink
I know what I'm thinking about
I'm thinking he's perfect for me

There is a reason we go through the things that we do
There is a reason why we meet the people we meet
Whether we understand those reasons or not
in the end they shape us into who we are
When things go to **** we have two options
We can be victims
or we can be warriors
Who are you going to be?

I watched two waves collide into each other
while I was at the ocean
and it reminded me of how beautiful it is when two people
come together as one
They say that it's impossible for two people
to spend the rest of their lives with each other
but I beg to differ
I've never been married
I've never made it past a year in a half in a relationship
yet my belief in love is so strong
and I honestly don't know where that comes from
I used to blame the movies
I used to blame the poetry
I used to blame songs but when I imagine
taking all of those things away and not allowing
any of those things to influence my beliefs in love
No matter how bad the circumstances are around me
no matter how broken I may feel because a certain individual
hurts my feelings and makes me cry
I still cannot let go of my belief in true love
and I don't ever want to
So I stood at the ocean
watching two waves collide with one another
as two waves became one
and I was reminded that it is possible for two people to find each other
fall in love and be together for the rest of their lives
It was so beautiful that I cired

You are not broken
You are injured
People get injured all of the time and that's okay
People only become broken if they allow themselves to stay injured

Today I went all natural
I feel very pretty today
I don't care how others view me
I don't care about what others have to say
I went to school in my pajamas
my hair isn't really done
Even though I am the only one in my pajamas
I am still having a lot of fun
My friends are all smiling today
today seems to be good
The weather is nice, my boyfriend is well
school is going great as it should
No one is starting drama
I am not feeling emotionally sick
I had two cups of coffee at five in the morning
so I woke up really quick
I hope today stays this way
it feels nice to not be stressed
Not only do I have plans after school
but last night I got plenty of rest
I feel very out of my skin today
I feel energized and alive
I am going to enjoy this moment that I am in
and kiss all of the drama goodbye

Why are we always fighting

why are we always so mean

why do we constantly put each other down

doesn’t our relationship mean anything?

Why do we make each other cry

why do we sneak around

why do we play each other like games

but act fine when friends are around?

Why can’t we be honest with each other

what happened to us

what happened to always being there for each other

what happened to our trust?

All we do is scream and yell

until one of us threatens to leave

then we end up with our hearts broken

this is all drama we both don’t need.

What can we do to fix this

what made us like this in the first place

sometimes I get so angry with you

I can’t even look at your face

But I love you way too much

to let all we have go down the drain

I am willing to fight for what we had

I will do practically anything!

I want us to be ourselves again

I want us to be happy

I want us to be how we used to be

when we would spend the whole day laughing

I want to look in your eyes again

and not have any doubts

I want us to get stronger together

because together is what love is all about.

I can’t do this on my own

you have to work with me

you have to admit your in the wrong too

if you expect to have a future with me

Until then I will stay strong and try to regain your trust

but behind this strong woman is a weakass girl

still asking “what happened to us?”