What if on the night we broke up
you decided to stay instead of go
I think we would have ended up arguing again
causing you to walk out that door
What if instead of yelling at you first thing
I grabbed your face and kissed you
you would have found some excuse to break up with me
since breaking hearts is all you do
What if I never took you back
I think I would have been better off
you would have to live with the fact that you lost me
and I wouldn't have given dating you a single thought
What if you actually grew up
during the month we were apart
I don;t think your ready to be a man
you'd rather act like a child and run away when life gets tough
What if you just fess up to being the ***
instead of making me out to be a *****
you'd rather act like the victim
but I'm so tired of this
I'm tired of being the bad guy
while you walk around acting like a king
I hope karma gets you big time
I hope you see what it's like to lose everything

Roll me over, kiss my neck
hold me close don't let me go just yet.
Run your fingers through my hair
as you kiss me so passionately.
Is this a dream?
Is this for real?
Pinch me now cause I can't tell
your so incredible.
your presence is so enticing
the way you move just takes my breath away,
the way you speak sends shivers up my spine,
the way you laugh, the way you cry,
the way you say my name as you hold me close at night,
your perfection in my eyes.
Pick me up, spin me around
sing to me don't ever put me down.
say a joke and make me laugh,
give me butterflies like only you can.
Is this reality?
Are you really here with me?
There is no other place I'd rather be.

I'm not faking my happiness. Life is too short to be upset about stuff you can't control. I know what it's like to be close to making a decision that you can't take back and that decision was almost killing myself. When I sit and think of how close I was to ending it all and then I think about how far I've come, I've learned life is way too short to be misreable even though **** is going down. Nothing good comes from being upset so why be upset? Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not hurting but I'm not allowing my pain to get the best of me and keep me from moving forward. It's not being fake or living in a fantasy world. It's called being a grown up, being strong and doing the only thing you can do and that's moving forward.

There’s a lot I want for Christmas

but what I want is not for me

I don’t need a million dollars

or a bunch of presents under the tree

What I want can’t come from Santa

these are things only Jesus can do

although I have a long list

I’ll just name off a few

I want the war in Iraq to stop

too many people are dying and for what?

Over countries who can’t compromise

they want more than they already got

I want the homeless to be sheltered

I can’t stand seeing people sleeping on the streets

I want the homeless to be fed and warm

not outside shivering on their knees

I want animal abuse to stop

these animals are helpless

they deserve to be loved and cared for

not left in the alleys feeling hopeless

I want a cure for cancer

so there are more birthdays to celebrate

I want the sick to be disease free

so they can live life and enjoy it

I want those who are depressed to find happiness

I want an end to self-mutilation

I want more people to take mental health seriously

not make fun of it for attention

I want those with eating disorders to look in the mirror

and realize how wonderful they are

I want the self-hate to be over with

so they can shine like the stars they are

and lastly I want the ones who hurt me in the past

to change their ways and start over

I want their past to be their past

I want them to have a new look at their future

I want my family and friends to know I love them so much

and that if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t be here

Out of all the billion things a girl could ever want

these are the things I want for christmas this year

I just want to dye my hair all sorts of crazy colors. Why? Because I can. I want to go to concerts and be around people who just want to have fun after spending so many years going through hell and back. I want to travel to England and have adventures I can write stories about. I want to wear cute skirts with a beat up pair of converse and dance all over the place. I want to eat all the chocolate I can. I want to find magic in places no one thinks about twice. I want to turn 30 years old with confidence because I think women get better with age. I want to write forever and ever. I want to write for a career. I want to write anywhere whether it's on an airplane, the floor in a mall, a dressing room, while stuck in traffic, high up on a building where I can see everything you can't see when you are on the ground. I want to make snow angels in the snow and make wishes in the rain. I want to eat pizza with my friends, fall in love with a man who adores me, adopt a child and give them a home so I can love them every second of everyday. I want to have my heartbroken so I can become stronger. I want to laugh so when I'm sad I have something to remind me why I should keep going. I want to swim with mermaids, fly in the sky with Santa Claus and go ice skating with Jack Frost. I want people to tell me I can't do something so I can prove them wrong. I want to jump from cliffs and let the ocean catch me into it's arms and spin me around as if I am dancing in an underground heaven. I want to be 40 years old still be going to Disneyland because I refuse to let the child inside of me from years ago die. I want to make a difference. I want to hug as many people as I can. I want to stay up until 3 am around a camp fire looking at the stars while I tell God all of my secrets. I want to make all my dreams come true all the while staying humble so I don't lose myself in success. I want to live without the pressure of having to do certain things so fast. I want to leave this earth knowing I did impossible things and that someone's life was changed because I chose to love them when nobody else wanted to.

There is a life to start living. Go for it. ***** fear Jump in with both feet, go with the flow, be yourself and enjoy every minute of it. Fighting it won't get you anywhere. Embrace it like you would embrace a lover for all of it's flaws.

I don't know what to think
I don't know what to say
I don't know how to feel
I'm upset that you went away.
You died without any warning
I didn't even get to say goodbye
I feel so much guilt over the fight we had
now all I do is cry
I was supposed to go first
my ashes belong around your neck
here I sit holding your ashes
and I just want you back.
All the memories I have of you
I can't make disappear
I walk the streets we used to run
and I wish on the stars that you were still here.
What do I do know?
Where do I go from here?
You were my source of confidence
without you all I have is fear.
How do I live without you?
How do I sleep without the beating of your heart?
How do I get over your death
when I can't stop falling apart?

When I think about forever
I think of being with you
I think of you always being by my side
through everything we may have to go through
I think of conquering our dreams together
and making each other smile
I think of us staying strong for each other
if distance separated us for awhile
I think of us being lovers and friends
who never give up on love
I think of us still being madly in love with each other
if one of us was taken above
I think of an amazing future
it is so exciting to see
When I think about forever
I think of you and me

I think about a lot of things
but you're the greatest thought in my head
I think about you when I am in school
I think about you while falling asleep in my bed
The thoughts I have are not bad
they actually make me smile
They sometimes make me laugh
which is good every once in awhile
I think about you taking off your shirt when it's 93 degrees outside
I don't think about the problems I have because you're the best thing in my life
I think about how your eyes look when you look straight at me
I think about how your heart beats when I hold you close against me
I think about the time when we played hide and seek in the park
I think about our first kiss and the feeling I got in my heart
I think about me falling asleep in your arms and how you hold me tight
I don't think about bad days because with you everything is alright
I think about how much I love you and how it feels good to know that you love me too
My heart never fails to beat fast whenever I think of you

I heard our song on the radio today
as usual it took my breath away
I thought of us kissing and holding hands
as we drove in your car listening to our favorite band.
I started thinking of all the times I cried in your arms
and you made me feel so complete
I think of the times we laid in bed for hours
as we played with each other's feet.
I thought of the summer when we ran to the beach
watching the waves go up with each step we took
I thought of the nights we would spend under the stars
going over the memories in which we made.
I remembered all the kisses we exchanged
and how they always put a smile on my face
I remembered all the times you held me in your arms
because your arms were my favorite place.
I went back in time to remember the stormy night
when the electricity in our city was out
our house was pitch black so we made love like crazy
without having any doubts.
I thought about the day you first told me you loved me
you had my heart beating like crazy
I thought of the summer you went away for awhile
and how I missed you so badly.

Although these memories I was remembering were great ones
they can't make the bad ones we had disappear
the day I lost you forever
was the day you ever caused me to shed a tear.
I began to remember that cop on my door step
telling me you were in an accident
I freaked out in denial
I didn't want to believe that.
They said you were seriously injured
and that you might not make it to midnight
so I grabbed the keys and drove to the hospital
all the while praying you would be alright.
I can still feel the last breath you took the last time I kissed your lips
I can feel the warmth of your hand disappear
as I thought of all the great things you would miss.
I felt your soul leave your body
as I held you in my arms
you went away so peacefully
and that realization is probably what kept me calm.
Going home to the place we once shared
was the most uncomfortable thing I had to do
I asked God "What happens now?"
how did he expect me to live life without you.
With strength and hope I let you go
and at your funeral I thanked you for your love
I looked at the stars the night you died
and I could have sworn I saw your heart from heaven above.

As our song on the radio ends
I feel tears pour out of my hazel eyes
I relive the pain I felt when I lost you
I hate remembering the day you died
I am just so thankful I could be there with you
I perfered you died in my arms instead of alone in a bed
it ***** that you left so suddenly
it's an image I can't get out of my head.
Everyday I hurt a little less
but that doesn't mean I forgot all we have been through
you will always be the love of my life
not a night goes by where I don't where I don't ask God to tell you
how much I truly love you.

"It's strange how you became beautiful all of a sudden."

I was always beautiful
You just never took the time to see that

It's like a dream you know?
One minute we are curled up in each others arms
naked underneath the sheets
Then, in the blink of an eye
we're apart
You're on one side of the world in the sun
I'm clear on the other side in the rain
We're both in agony
We're both in emotional pain because we miss each other
Yet we have never met
It's like we did meet before
but we never did
Sometimes I think you're a figment of my imagination
some voice inside my head
If you're not real
how come I wake up some mornings in your arms
feeling you breathe slowly on my neck as you sleep
Those days are perfect
We stay in bed all day
making love
laughing and talking about forever
I close my eyes to kiss you
but when I open them
I'm back to being by myself
stuck in a state of depression I have never experienced before
Why can't we just be together always?
How come the second the earth moves a little too quickly
or the stars disappear for just a blink
we fall apart?
Like a wrecking ball just smashing us into a million pieces
What is wrong with us?
How long will we play this game of torture amongst ourselves?
When will we finally find the courage to just love the hell out of each other
just like in the dreams we have
when everything is perfect?

Today my world fell apart
one of my best friends died
As soon as I heard the news
all I wanted to do was cry
I felt my body go numb
in the person's arms who was holding me
I felt my tears fall to the floor like rain
as I sat there on my knees
As I walked home from school that day
I felt a raindrop on my head
I think about my last moments with my friend
and all of the things he said
He was the first one I went to
whenever I needed to cry
When I felt stupid about a challenge
he would always encourage me to try
His death was so unexpected
he was just here yesterday
How can someone you hugged twenty four hours ago
just simply go away
Where do I go from here now
my life was revolved around him
Now I am here to live life alone
and I really, really miss him
As I get home and walk into my room
the rain falls outside in a rush
I sit in the dark and cry into my pillow
imagining his touch
All that is running through my head right now
is how life used to be
How I lost my best friend
who was a special part of me

Where did I go?
How did I become this monster to myself?
How did I end up in this hole they call hopeless?
Why didn't I see myself fall?
What happened to me?
How did I grow to hate myself so much to where I look in the mirror and I can't recognize myself anymore?
Where did I go?
How can I get myself back?
I am hiding under pain I can't let go of.
I am running around in circles around things that seem to trap me.
I don't know what to do.
Everything I do seems wrong.
Anyone I turn to seems to drop me without giving me a reason why.
Sometimes I wish I would die in my sleep just so the world would be better off.
I won't be here to make anyone miserable.
Everyone can go about their lives as if I never existed.
I don't know what happened to me.
Maybe I really am heartless.
Maybe I don't have a soul.
Maybe I am slowly dying and I just don't know it.
Even if I was dying I wouldn't tell anyone I was.
I would suffer in silence like I always do.
Where the **** did I go?
That's a question I don't think God has the answer to.

A man called me white trash the other night
I'm not one to let other people's words get into my head but
on the night those words were said
My stress level was already sky high
My depression wouldn't leave me alone which caused me to have anxiety attacks up the ***
Stress causes me to be weak
That comment "white trash" was enough to send me down a depressing spiral
I am obsessed with how the world sees me now
Am I white trash?
Am I a ******* who is dumb enough to think I can be anything great in this world?
Am I just a waste of space because that is how I feel
I feel like my presence is an annoyance to everyone I come in contact with
I can ask people these questions but their answers won't make my thoughts of being a mistake go away
I am questioning my existence
I know better than to listen to some *******
I'm better than this yet something inside me broke when I heard those words
"White trash"
That's what all of the guys in middle school and high school used to call me
I feel like a cheap piece of *** who deserves nothing but garbage because obviously that is what I am
I'm garbage
I know I sound ridiculous
I feel ridiculous for wasting my energy writing a poem about it but it hurts
My heart hurts
My self esteem hurts
Everything hurts
Feeling like your not good enough hurts
I am so tired of feeling like I am never good enough

Why do you do this?
Why do you make me cry tears of happiness?
Why do you make the hair on the back of my neck stand up whenever you touch me?
Why do you make it impossible for me to breath whenever you look at me?
Why do you give me an adrenaline rush so high I could swim an entire ocean if I wanted to?
Why do you stay home on Friday nights reading my poems instead of going out with your friends?
Why do you insist on holding me throughout the night as I sleep?
Why are you nice to me?
Why do you care about me?
Why do you inspire me in ways I have never been inspired before?
Why are you so patient with me?
Why does everyday with you feel like Christmas morning?
Why did you see me that day?
Why did you say hello to me that day?
Why did you ask me out?
Why did I say yes?
Why did you fall in love with me?
Why did you choose me?

Writing gets way more personal
Imagination moves at full speed
No anxiety
Every part of my body feels like it is in a jacuzzi

Caramel Macchiato flavor
Overwhelming feelings are at a standstill
Family is more tolerable
Friends are more entertaining
Early mornings are the best time to be outside
Enjoying the sunrise

Problems find solutions
Off days turn out to be the biggest blessings
Eerie thoughts are heard
Time does not exist
Raw and unfiltered
You learn a little more about yourself with each poem that you write

I would run out into the snow wearing just my *******, hoodie and an ugly pair of tennis shoes just to chase you for 3 blocks only to grab you, kiss you and tell you that your the best thing that ever happened to me.

On Christmas 2014 my Christmas wish was for it to snow. It never snows in Bullhead City, Arizona so the chances of snow were basically nonexistent.

On Wednesday, December 31, 2014 at 10:40 am it snowed.

Don't you dare tell me that wishes do not come true.

I have so much to tell you
I don't know where to begin
half the things I want to tell you
will probably be a sin
So I'm going to be honest
as honest as I can
I'm going to try my best to talk to you
without raising my hand
I really, really hate you
you are the biggest ******* alive
you make life so painful to live
I wish you all would just die
I don't want an apology
apologies don't mean ****
but you better back yourselves up
before I decide to hit
Why do I hate you all?
I can't believe what I hear
maybe it's the way you treated me
whenever I shed a tear
or maybe it's the way you put me down
when I had a smile on my face
or the way you called me white
and made fun OF MY RACE
MAYBE IT'S HOW YOU TOLD ME I NEVER DRESS RIGHT
HOW I'M SO DUMB
I WILL NEVER BE BRIGHT
OR THE TIME I SAID I WOULD BE SUCCESS FULL
YOU SAID "YEAH BY DANCING ON POLES"
OR MAYBE HOW YOU MADE FUN OF ME
BECAUSE THE ONLY SHOES I HAD WERE WITH HOLES

........................

Maybe it's how you never knew me
but you judged me all of the time
or how you always laughed at me
when I had no money, not even a dime
Maybe it's how my hair was "stupid"
"I was trying to be a wannabe"
or maybe when I had a crush
you told me nobody would want me
I don't care about the things you said
or maybe I do
I don't hate the things you said
I just really hate each and every one of you
I hope you burn in hell
or I hope you suffer in death
"I hate you" are words I never say
but for you girls I mean them
and I'm never taking them back.

To quit writing would
be like going through a breakup
I could never recover from.

My heart literally tears in two when someone tells me "Writing is boring, i wish it didn't exist, it doesn't benefit a person in any way." It's like a part of me passes away at the sound of those words and all I can think is "how can someone think so negatively about something so beautiful?" I am so in love with writing the thought of anyone disgracing it is enough to make me cry.

If you didn’t love me anymore…fine

you didn’t have to lead me on

If you didn’t see a future with me…fine

you didn’t have to tell everyone I was the one

If you thought I was too bossy…fine

you didn’t have to pretend to be happy

If you were afraid of commitment…fine

you didn’t have to force yourself to be with me

If you found someone better…fine

you didn’t have to hide behind another lie

If you needed space…fine

you didn’t have to keep me around

If I caused you too much stress…fine

you could have told me to go away

If you never loved me at all…fine

you didn’t have to lie the entire time

She said "I just want to make an impact on the world. I want to feel like I matter. I want to make a difference. I want to feel like my presence makes someone else's life a little bit better."

He said " Oh honey, if you knew how much of an impact you make on this world you would be terrified. You matter so much it is upsetting that you do not see that. You make a difference everyday just by being you and trust me when I say your presence does more than make someone else's life better. Your presence is enough to cure a grown man's anxiety attack, your presence is the light in someone's darkness and every time I have the pleasure of being in your company I am amazed with who I see. Every moment with you is an adventure that I wish would never end. Believe me when I say that if you ever went away, hearts would break and the world would grieve until the end of time."

I remember the day that you died
you took a part of me I will never have again
Not only were you my lover
you were my very best friend
We did everything together
our worlds were complete
We made each other happy
by dancing to our own heartbeats
When you told me you were sick
I thought you would be okay
I thought we would go together
but you went to heaven without me that day
You slipped away in your sleep
while I held your hand tight
I prayed for you to wake up
but you never did that night
I cried for hours when you left
I was scared to let you go
I laid by your side and whispered
all of the things I thought you needed to know
I told you that I loved you
more than I loved myself
I told you that you were all I ever wanted
I never wanted anyone else
I kissed your lips one last time
they were cold and a little gray
When they took you from the room wrapped in a sheet
I quickly got on my knees to pray
I asked God why you had to go
I wanted you to come back
but I realized that this is reality
there was nothing I could do about that
I sit here and think about that day
it still brings a tear to my eye
I look up at the stars at night
I see you shining in the sky
It wasn't my time to go yet
that is something I had to accept
I know that you're still by my side
your soul hasn't quite left me just yet

You are going away for a year
I am going to miss you so much
I am going to miss your smile, your laughter, your voice
I am going to miss the sparks that fly when our lips touch
I am going to miss your Packers cap
your skinny jeans and flip flops
I am going to miss our showers, our late night cigarette runs
and the hugs that make my heart stop
I am going to miss the way you make me giggle
whenever I am having a bad day
I am going to miss the way you say my name
you make it sound so beautiful in every way
I am going to miss your silly jokes
and cuddling with you in bed
I am going to miss hearing you talk in your sleep
about things I supposedly said
I am going to miss you taking me driving
I am going to miss being called "Babe"
I am going to miss the sparkle in your eyes because your so happy
I am going to miss your heart the most
it is so strong and so pure
I am going to miss you so much honey
Please come back to me
I love you

If I keep trying to please everyone then they will only ***** that I didn't please them right. It is a circle and the only way to break free from that circle is to not be afraid to be yourself, let yourself be happy even if some people disapprove of the choices you make. You control your happiness. As long as you're happy, that is all that matters.

In the year 1992
I met the love of my life
I had no idea that after 22 years of knowing each other
he would ask me to be his wife
We were friends on and off for quite some time
yet I had no idea that he was the one
it's rare to meet your future at a day old
but then again that's rare for anyone
Who would have thought that constant fighting
would bring us close in the end
I never thought that the one I used to hate
would lead me to fall in love with my best friend
Who knew that during a time of so much heartache
God would keep leading me back to you
you were there for everything
even if the minutes were only few
When I stop and think about the past 22 years
you have been around the entire time
to think that the one I wanted was right in front of me
just absolutely blows my mind
Our hearts connected so long ago
but we were both too blind to see
that I belonged to you
and you belonged to me
I think I've loved you all this time
but I was giving your love to someone else
when I should have been with you I was with him
even though he treated me like trash
but the past is over now, it's dead
there's not even a sign of it in the stars
all that matters is we are together now
from this moment forward the future is ours

I found out that you cheated on me

with someone you barely know

I had a feeling you were cheating

based on signs you chose to show

When I think of you kissing someone else

it makes me feel so cheap

your nothing but a fake and a liar

and another Bullhead City creep

My skin crawls when I think of you touching me

after you went out and laid hands on her

I feel like I’m something you vomited

then spit on and ate whole

I think of how I trusted you

and you took advantage of me

but what gets me is you said we had a future

when you were making plans to get rid of me

They say I should be angry

but I can’t help but feel sad

your going to miss out on something wonderful

and one day you’ll want what you can’t have

I will not let your stupidity get to me

I won’t let your choices cause me pain

you may think I’m nothing

but your loss is someone else’s gain

Everyone feels pressure to make a huge impact on the world
We all want to be remembered when we die
We fear that if we are not famous when we die
then no one will miss us
No one will grieve us
No one will ache for us
That is not true
Fame does not measure how much you are loved
You do not need to be on TV to be loved
You do not need to take your clothes off in front of a camera to be loved
You do not need to write a hit song to be loved
You do not need to have a million dollars to be loved
The ones who love you for who you are
The ones who have seen you at your lowest and still stuck around
The ones who fought with you and for you
The ones who remembered your birthday without the help of Facebook
The ones who saw you at your most vulnerable and never took advantage of you
The ones who held your hand when you were scared
The ones who cheered you on when you couldn't believe in yourself
Those are the people who truly love you
Those are the people who will remember you
Those are the people who will not let a day go by without showing you
even after death how much they love you
So what those people may be five
or 20
or 50
They may not be 2 million followers like your social media profile reads
I would rather be remembered by 5 people who truly loved me
than by 2 million people who only love me based on my social status as a celebrity


For anyone who has passed on that thinks their souls are not remembered and to those who fear they will be forgotten after death, you will be remembered and you are remembered. This poem was inspired by Taylor Swift's song "Long Live" and Season 4: Episode 14 "The Hero In The Hold" from the Television show "Bones"