I don't know how to make a rhyme
but if I could I'd write it...
I hope that you will take the time
to read and say you like it

I know your far away from home
and miss your house and friends
But, I'm glad you came with me
and I'll be sad when it ends

As adults we sometimes fight
and sometimes disagree
But the things that we talk about
should never come between you and me

I love you very much and yes
all your brothers and sisters too.
But if I could spend the summer with one
I'd want it to be with you

So please, Mandy
make yourself at home
Here you are loved by family
and should never feel alone.

WE love you baby!


My Uncle wrote this for me in my poetry notebook when I was asleep. He knew about my depression so he left this for me to find when I woke up. I named this poem "Grand Junction, Colorado" because that is where I was when this was written. I was there for the summer visiting family and that summer was and still is my favorite summer.

I found out that you cheated on me

with someone you barely know

I had a feeling you were cheating

based on signs you chose to show

When I think of you kissing someone else

it makes me feel so cheap

your nothing but a fake and a liar

and another Bullhead City creep

My skin crawls when I think of you touching me

after you went out and laid hands on her

I feel like I’m something you vomited

then spit on and ate whole

I think of how I trusted you

and you took advantage of me

but what gets me is you said we had a future

when you were making plans to get rid of me

They say I should be angry

but I can’t help but feel sad

your going to miss out on something wonderful

and one day you’ll want what you can’t have

I will not let your stupidity get to me

I won’t let your choices cause me pain

you may think I’m nothing

but your loss is someone else’s gain

This morning I’m so dillusional
I can’t even see straight
the world is turning to black
I think I’ve met my fate
The colors spin out of control
there is nothing to grab onto
my mind is blurred, my throat is caught
I don’t know what to do
Every morning is ******* like this
I’m so sick of dealing with this ****
I’m getting to the point of just cutting again
to keep myself from having a fit
but that ****** me off even more
it’s because I’m so ******* crazy
that fact eats away at my soul
causing my eyes to get hazy
I have such a headache
why do I do this to myself?
why can’t I just calm the **** down?
why can’t I be like everybody else?
It’s just so embarrassing not knowing when I’ll explode
I get so ******* upset that it causes me to throw up
All of this anger. Where does it come from?
Life is going great
out of nowhere I’m turned upside down
and I become so full of hate
Knowing that just makes me feel worse
and the cycle repeats all over again
I’m so tired of dealing with this
when will this chaos end?

I want to be remembered forever when I die.

I want to be remember as the girl who wiped your tears away whenever you were sad,

The one who took an interest in what you liked when everyone else thought you were lame,

The one who wanted nothing but the best for you when others tried to bring you down,

The one who’s strong for you when you feel like you can’t do this alone,

The one who reminds you how amazing you are when you feel worthless,

The one who will always be your friend for life so you always know you can count on me.

I’m not going to live forever,

I will die someday

but my goal in life is to touch your heart in every possible way.

I want you to know I’m here for you

I support you in everything you do

just promise to do the same and never forget to remember me too.

I am driving back to New Jersey
the holidays are now over
I am going to miss sleeping in your arms
and playing in the snow with you for hours
This long distance thing can be so annoying
but it is worth it every time I see you
I just wish we never have to part
because I hate being away from you
I am halfway through my drive
your face is all I keep thinking about
I will not see you for another thirty days
I do not think I can wait that long
I thought this long distance would be good for me
since I am so afraid to get close to anybody
Yet every goodbye makes you sad
and seeing you sad just kills me
A tear falls down my cheek
my heart is aching for you
I know my life is in New Jersey
but I belong in California with you
I quickly turn my car around
not giving a **** if other drivers on the road get ******
I am either all in or all out
I know longer want to be long distance

I am so confused
You can't be with me but you can have *** with me
You can live in my apartment
You can take showers with me
You can blow up my phone
asking me when I am coming home
You can sleep in bed with me
You can spend the holidays with my family
You can take me out on dates
You can take me on road trips with you
You tell everyone that I'm your's
You spend all of your time with me
You buy me gifts on Valentines Day
You bought me a promise ring
You tell me you love me but we are not together
We are just friends?

I know she played games with your heart
She made you afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve
I'm not the type that plays games
I'd do my best to give you everything you need
I know that she lied to you
You've built up walls because betrayal has left you scarred
With me you never have to worry about that
I wouldn't let anything break your heart
I know she said she loved you
Only to take it back when she found someone better
I would never get tired of loving you
I'd show you off to the whole world
I know she made you lose your faith in love
She took what you two shared and murdered it
Give me a chance to love you like you deserve
I'll show you that true love still exists


Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

I remember when I lost myself. I was living to impress people who didn’t care whether I lived or died. It got to the point where you look in the mirror and you don’t recognize yourself. A friend of mine came over one night a long time ago because I was depressed. We talked about how I felt conflicted because I wanted to be myself to the fullest all the while still want to impress everybody else. I wasn’t happy at all. My friend stood me in front of my bathroom mirror and said "Mandie, look at yourself, do you like who you see in the mirror? If you do then you got nothing to worry about, if you don’t then there is a problem and you need to fix it before it’s too late. Do you know who you are?“ I looked at myself and I started to cry because I didn’t like who I saw, not because I thought I was ugly but because the kind of person I was at the time was not me. What scared me the though was not being able to put myself into words. I would describe myself but I wasn’t describing me I was describing my friends and their traits because I did everything to please them. In my past relationships I did stuff to impress whoever I was with because I wanted that person to like me. I had to change. So I cut myself off from everything, spent weeks alone, writing goals and things I wanted to change about myself. When I went to the store for clothes I taught myself to buy stuff I wanted to wear not what my friends wanted me to wear. Slowly I started letting my "friends” see the changes I was making and instead of supporting me they got mad because I wasn’t living my life according to their standards. So I lost friends. So what? Over time I found myself happier, confident, I wasn’t dealing with drama and I made some new friends, friends who were in my shoes and didn’t have anyone to cheer them on through their challenges. It took me a very long time to find myself and I guess I am still finding myself but breaking free from everyone’s expectations is on my list of the best choices I ever made.

Caring about what other people say
has always been a weakness of mine
That does not surprise me
I am a writer
I believe in the power of words
I believe words have the power to build you up
to the point you feel like you are flying
or drag you down until you're falling down a deep dark hole
like Alice did in Wonderland
Knowing how much power words hold
I make it a habit to speak things that empower people
There is so much negativity in the world
It is so easy to be mean
and make someone feel bad just by saying a few negative words
We all complain about the world being mean yet
we contribute to the negativity by saying things
that just should not be said
Instead of being mean with our words
let's be kind instead
Kindness holds the same amount of power words do
Put those two together and you get magic
Hearts soften with kind words
People believe in themselves when they are told kind things
People are better when they use kind words
I will always worry about what people say about me sometimes
That is my flaw
That is my problem
Not caring become easier on my self esteem
when I choose to speak kind words to those who are negative

I feel like I'm falling
there is nothing below to catch me either
no water
no huge trampoline
no ground
not even people with their arms outstretched to catch me
I'm simply falling
I don't know when I'm going to stop
all I know is that I am holding my breath
my air is going in all directions
there is nothing but air all around me
I can't even feel my heart beating
even though I am wearing clothes I feel completely naked
I am confused
I am spinning in circles that make it difficult to concentrate on one thing
I don't know where I am
I would scream for help but right now I have no voice
I don't even know who I am
that is when I finally stop falling.

Imagining a life without love
is like opening the door to depression
and asking depression to spend the
rest of it's life with you
I went through a period in my life
where I gave up on loving anyone or anything
I was so fed up with getting my heart broken,
not just by men but friends and relatives too,
that I became this emotionally, empty,
unhappy person
I was so miserable and angry that  without realizing it
I began to build up walls around myself
and my heart because I thought I was safer that way
I may have been safe but I was lonely
I was so lonely I became suicidal
and I had no one to blame but myself
I've learned that if I spend so much time
worrying about the "what could go wrong" situations
that I am missing out on potential happiness
waiting to enter my life and bring me
the best joy I could ever know
I've also learned that heartbreak of any kind,
although it can be agonizing,
can open doors to people and adventures
I never knew I needed in my life
I have a deeper respect for relationships of any kind
I am more willing now to put aside my stubborness
and compromise more because I have a deeper appreciation
for people and their differences
I've felt the pain one can experience with love
and I've also felt the joy
The joy outweighs the pain every single time
I will never make the mistake to push love away ever again
Love is something no human being
can live without

I stick my fork into my pumpkin pie
I have been waiting for this moment for days
With the first bite I close my eyes
as all of my worries fall away
Thanksgiving Day is in eight hours
I am already anticipating what is to come
Dad in the hospital sick
alone and away from everyone
Arguments over silly things
sadness over loved ones missed
Heartache over family refusing to stop by
due to an individual's ***** fits
What should be a time for thanks
will actually be a day for stress
I will probably be up most of the night
hoping I will be too tired so I can avoid tomorrow's events
So I sit here on the night before
with my favorite Fall desert
I chew as I try not to think about
all of the things that make my heart hurt
I shift my thoughts to the good things that have happened
as I let my mind go blank
I put down my fork
let out a sigh
and whisper to Jesus thanks

Sometimes I wish I could be dead
just for one day
to see what it feels like
to not feel pain in anyway
I want to know what it's like to fly
without the fear of falling
to just walk the streets like I'm invisible
without stopping for a second and crying
I want to see who would miss me
if I was dead and gone
would people cry and fall apart
or just laugh like nothing is wrong
would they speak kindly of me at my funeral
or would they speak a bunch of lies
would they curse my name in anger
or would they wish me back to life
Sometimes I wish I could wake up in heaven
just to spend one day with Jesus
just to talk to him face to face
and tell him about all of my problems
I want to walk with him in the clouds
and let out everything
then listen to his advice
on how to make my pain go away
if I could be dead for one day
I probably would want to stay that way
what I woukd give to be flawlessly beautiful
just for one day
to see how everyone would react
would they even care
or would they ignore my death like a penny
and pretend I was never there.

Right now I am really angry
everything is bugging me
Every voice I hear is like nails on a chalkboard
and it's aggravating to me
Why can't anyone shut the hell up?
It's really ******* me off
Everyone is fighting over stupid drama
when will they have enough?
I want to go home at this very moment
I want to burst into tears
I feel alone in this very space
I'm being suffocated by my fears
I need to leave because I'm heated up
I am going to lose my mind
Why does everyday have to **** up?
Why can't I just be happy here for once?

I had a lot of anger issues as a teen but my anger was only worse when I was at school. I couldn't stand my peers. Their immaturity made me want to scratch out my eyes. The teachers always complained because I always wanted to do things on my own instead of participate with the class. I hated to participate because I am a fast learner and I just hated sitting an hour being taught something that I could teach myself. I didn't like being bothered by people. I was the girl who liked to sit in the corner and read a book by myself. I had a lot of days where I just walked off of campus because I seriously thought I would hurt someone if I stayed. Eventually I dropped out and some people may think that was a dumb choice but for me it was the best choice and I don't regret it.

I feel like I cannot breathe
I feel like I am suffocating under so much pressure that I am forgetting who I am
I just want to explode
All of my emotions are eating away at me and no matter how hard I cry they will not leave my body
I just want to scream
I want to sleep and never wake up
I want to run away to a world where pain does not exist
I really want things to be the way they used to be
When friends were there for you no matter what you did
When school was like a giant playground because everything you did was fun
When the only time you cried was when you fell off of your bike and skinned your knee
When the only thing you had to worry about were your brothers destroying your Barbie dolls
When just a kiss from your Mom healed the heartbreak of the first boy who did not like you

Now as I sit in algebra writing this
I think about the times I have hurt myself just to numb the pain inside
I think about the boyfriends who broke up with me and I still loved them because I promised to always love them
I think of all the friends I never had due to moving around so many times
I think about the times I chose not to eat because I thought I had to be thin like Britney Spears just to be considered beautiful
I have wasted so much time in my teen years
I followed everyone else instead of following my heart
I ran away from my problems instead of facing them
I had so much potential but I was too dumb and too blind to see that
Now I am seeing who I really am
I am finally gaining the courage to be myself
I can't take back the years that I lost
All things happen for a reason
I am thankful for half the crap I went through
Those hard times made me a better person
I have loved, I have hated
I have been used, I have been betrayed
No matter who hurts me, no matter what happens
I love my life either way
I am happy with the friends I have
They always put a smile on my face
Whether they choose to walk out of my life
Whether they choose to stay in my life
No one can ever take their place

I still feel like I cannot breathe
The pressure is slowly going away
Even though I am very tired
I am going to push myself through this day
Even though I want to explode
I will not let my emotions get the best of me
I am going to breathe, I am going to be strong
and just let the day be

Another night without you
lying here wishing I had you next to me
Another star goes by
I make a wish and hope with all my heart
it comes true
I've never wanted anything or anyone
as badly as I want you
I know that I'm probably not on your mind
but you're on mine all the **** time
If you ever feel alone
if you feel your world coming undone
Don't ever think for a second
that nobody loves you
If you're doubting your existence
don't let your mind tell you that you don't matter
Someone out there wants you to know
how special you are
In case you were wondering
that person is me
If I could give you anything
I'd give you my heart
I'd give you the moon
the stars
even heaven itself
I love you so much
in case you were wondering

When you lose someone you love
life changes in so many ways
The holidays are cold
and you just count the days
It's hard to sleep at night
because your afraid of becoming weak
You just want someone to hold you
and listen to you as you speak
You smile like your fine
but your crying deep inside
You don't want to shut down
but you want to commit suicide
You want life to move on
but your lonely and you can't explain it
You try to be positive
but you can't get over it
When you think about the one you lost
you smile at the past
You smile because you knew them
but you cry because their time came too fast
Time just goes slow
you feel out of control
You feel empty and mad
the love you once had no longer grows
I've never lost a person to death
but I can imagine how it feels
I'd long for that person forever
and I'd take my time to heal
Everyone has their limit on earth
God has known their life since birth
You just need to let God take them home
and you will see them again when it's your time to go

You asked me what I wished for last Christmas

Last December I went to my favorite spot under a pine tree
that held the most Christmas lights
I picked up some snow
held it gently in both of my hands
closed my eyes and said
"I wish for a love so powerful
it's energy is enough to cause an earthquake
A love so beautiful
it is enough to cause me to shed tears of joy in random parts of my day
A love so spectacular
that kisses cause the oceans to sing as the waves crash
A love so pure
that not a **** thing can ruin it
A love so extraordinary
I feel like I am in a constant dream
A love so real
that it makes it impossible for me to breathe"

I blew the snow from my hands
then opened up my eyes
I saw you squinting your face
as I saw snow sitting on your eyelashes
You asked me if I was alright
I told you I was making my Christmas wish
"Some wish" you muttered as you offered me your hand
As soon as I took your hand
I felt the ground shake
When you asked me for my name
my eyes began to fill with tears
You walked me home
and before you left you noticed mistletoe above my front door
You kissed my lips
as my phone began to play a song I have never heard of before

Christmas came, then New Years
Valentines Day too
From March to June we were miles apart
but somehow we made it through
July through October felt like a dream
On Thanksgiving Day you proposed to me over turkey

It is December again
we are under that same pine tree
Your presence still takes my breath away
You're waiting for me to answer your question
I keep going back to that day
I think about my wish
and all of the wonderful things it put us through
I put my arms around your neck
and say "my Christmas wish last year was you"

I think we should run away
I think that even though it is three in the morning
we should hit the highway and drive until the sun comes up
I think we should do the things we are terrified of doing
so we can get to know parts of ourselves that are dying to be known
I think we should swim in oceans
climb mountains
take a plane to a country we can't pronounce the name of
I think we should make love in every major city in America
so when we look back on those cities
it will be love that we remember
I think we should kiss under waterfalls
jump off of cliffs with our hands grasping tightly to each other
I think we should love in the now
because now won't be here forever

My heart literally tears in two when someone tells me "Writing is boring, i wish it didn't exist, it doesn't benefit a person in any way." It's like a part of me passes away at the sound of those words and all I can think is "how can someone think so negatively about something so beautiful?" I am so in love with writing the thought of anyone disgracing it is enough to make me cry.

When she left me six years ago
I was so angry at her
She was the first girl I ever confessed my feelings to
She was my first everything
I wanted nothing more than to make her happy
Yes I wanted to marry her one day
Yes I would have loved to have children with her
There was a lot I wanted to do with my life
However, I wanted her with me
I had no idea how she felt when it came to feeling stuck
If she needed time to think
I would have let her go
I wouldn't have held her back
If she wanted to leave
I would have gone with her
I would have never made her stay somewhere she didn't want to be
She should have known that
When she left
my whole world shattered
Seeing her again
it was as if I was given a second chance to be with her
All of those old feelings came back to me
I wanted nothing more than to hold her the way I used to
Then I was reminded of how much she hurt me
I meant what I said about still smelling her scent and hearing her voice
I never wanted her to drop dead
I wanted her to come back
I wanted her to include me into her plans
I wanted an explanation
Nothing makes sense without her
I should have given her a chance to explain
I was so angry at her
I'm angry at myself for still wanting her when I know she doesn't deserve me
I have never yelled at her until today
It killed me to do that
I love her so much
I always will
I ******* up
I should have let her tell her side of the story
Now she's gone again
There is nothing I can do to take back all of the awful things I said to her
There is nothing I can say or do to bring her back

I go to this thing called "Teen Night"
which takes place every Saturday night
I go there to dance my stress away
not to deal with drama and fight
I cannot stand to go alone
it just isn't as fun
That is why I take all of my friends with me
I love being surrounded by the people I love
I am not the type who goes to parties and gets wasted
I prefer pizza and friends
I like to stay up all night
while smoking cigarettes until the night ends
I like drinking my energy drinks
and taking selfies with my crew
I like to look my best, show off a little
but nights like that are few
Teen night is where I go to escape
it is worth the six bucks
Not only do I get to disappear in a crowd
I am greeted by lots of hugs
Teen night is where I let go of everything
it's where the music absorbs my stress
From the time it starts until the time it ends
all I do is dance the night away

Are you really going to worry about stupid people
who don't have anything nice to say?
If someone is bringing you down
be the bigger person and just walk away.
People will always judge you
even if you do what they want
you can never please miserable people
so why give them all that you got?
There is "CAN" in the word "can't" for a reason
because there is no such thing as can't
you can choose to listen to those who don't believe in you
or block them out and take a stand.
Be happy with who you are
you were put here for a reason
who are they to tell you your not worthy
and to make you feel less of a person?
You are beautiful inside and out
don't believe any differently
never let yourself believe that you will never be somebody
Being you is the best thing you could ever do
you don't have to explain yourself to anyone
spread your wings and don't be afraid to allow yourself to become something great.

He looked at her with a smile in his eyes
and it was in that very moment
he realized that she was the one.

I miss the way you smile
I miss the way you kiss
I miss the way you brighten my world
when a smile comes across your lips
I miss the way you hold me
when it's cold out because of the rain
I miss the way you wipe away my tears
whenever I'm feeling pain
I miss the way you whisper in my ear
as we lay in bed in the dark
I miss the way you stand by my side
whenever my world falls apart
I miss the way you make me laugh
on days I'm not feeling well
I miss the way you stare at me
your eyes distracted me from my personal hell
I miss the way you hold my hand
as we watch movies till 3 a.m.
I miss the way you tell me you love me
for being just the way I am
I miss the way you tell me I'm beautiful
as I put eyeliner around my eyes
I miss the way you keep me to yourself
when we are hanging around with other guys
I miss the little things you do for me
I miss cuddling in your arms
I miss waking up to you looking at me
that was always my favorite alarm
The hardest thing is missing your presence
I miss everything you do
I miss all the days we can't ever get back
but most importantly I really miss you.

You miss out on so much when you do not take the time to read anything. Sometimes the things your soul really needs to hear are right in front of you. You just won't make the effort to find it and read it.

I keep your name on a chain around my neck
not because I miss you but
To remind myself to never fall for someone like you ever again
To never allow a man to keep me down
To never allow a man to put his hands on me like he owns me
To never allow a man to tell me that my dreams do not matter
I keep your name around my neck to remind me
that my dreams in fact do matter
To remind me that I belong to no man other than Jesus Christ
To remind me of all of the times I stood up
when you tried to keep me down
Your name is a reminder of who I used to be
The chain is my motivation
to never be that kind of woman again

HIM: You come here after all of these years expecting me to take you back. You must be out of your f**ing mind

HER: I don't expect you to take me back. I came here to apologize.

HIM: Is that why you're really came here? To apologize? Or to rub your presence in my face?

HER: I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for leaving you.

HIM: Where was your apology six years ago? Where was it when you left in the middle of the night not even letting me know your plans? WE had plans. I loved you and you walked all over my feelings like I was a piece of garbage.

HER: I was young! I needed a chance to live and figure out what I wanted!

HIM: THEN WHY COULDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT!!!?? INSTEAD YOU LEFT! YOU JUST LEFT! Do you have any idea how much you destroyed me and then you come back here thinking an apology is going to fix things????

HER: I don't think an apology is going to fix anything. I just need a chance to explain...

HIM: Explain what? That you were in love with me and then out of the blue you changed your mind? You went from wanting to spend your life with me to laughing at me when I told you how I felt about you. I loved you. I wanted to give you the entire world and you spat in my face. I can't sleep at night because if I concentrate hard enough I can still smell you. I can't stand to be alone because when I am I hear your voice and it rings so loud in my ears it's enough to make me throw up. Seeing you the other day and seeing you now makes me want to do nothing but kiss you yet at the same time I want to tell you to drop dead but I can't do that because my ******* is still in love with you. I am deeply in love with you and always will be but I can't ever be with you again because I can't trust you. You ruined me. There is nothing you can do to fix what you did.

HER: I had no idea...

HIM: YES YOU DID! I told you everyday and I showed you everyday. Don't act like you didn't know how much I loved you. Don't use your fear of love as an excuse to act like some victim stuck in a love story that you ******* up by running away.

I called him around midnight asking him to come over
I said "I don't mean to bother you but I'm feeling blue and
we don't need to have *** but I need some kind of human touch
before I go insane"
He didn't hesitate and he was at my door by 12:15 am
I opened that door so quick I thought I was losing it
I wrapped my arms around him and he held me tight
I took in his scent and closed my eyes
and as his hands gently caressed my back
I felt all of my anxiety melt away
I didn't want him to let go of me
I wanted him to stay
We laid on my bed our legs intertwined as we were face to face
I was in my underwear and t-shirt
he was in his jeans but I could feel that he wanted me
I asked him "do you want to have *** with me?"
He put his left hand on my face and said
"I won't lie
I absolutely want to have *** with you right now
but that's not all I want
I want to wake up and make you coffee as you sleep in
but it's my bed I want you to wake up in every morning
I want to walk on the beach like we sometimes do as the sun sets
but I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you how beautiful
I think you look when the wind forces your hair to be out of your face
I want to argue with you when you're being irrational
and when you tell me to leave I'll say no because I don't run away
from what I truly want even when things get difficult
I want to kiss you in the rain
and hold you in my arms while we watch movies on the couch
I want to be able to tell you each and every day how incredible
I think you are even though you don't think so
and one day I'd like to give you my last name so I can spend
the rest of my life making you laugh and smile
If I can't have any of that with you
then I don't want to have *** with you"
I looked at him then kissed him on the lips at 4:05 am
it felt like the most natural thing in the world
I didn't feel scared, doubtful or insecure
I felt safe, confident and in love
I turned over and put his arm around my waist
I told him how I liked my coffee
and as he snuggled closer to me
I could feel the smile on his face

I heard our song on the radio today
as usual it took my breath away
I thought of us kissing and holding hands
as we drove in your car listening to our favorite band.
I started thinking of all the times I cried in your arms
and you made me feel so complete
I think of the times we laid in bed for hours
as we played with each other's feet.
I thought of the summer when we ran to the beach
watching the waves go up with each step we took
I thought of the nights we would spend under the stars
going over the memories in which we made.
I remembered all the kisses we exchanged
and how they always put a smile on my face
I remembered all the times you held me in your arms
because your arms were my favorite place.
I went back in time to remember the stormy night
when the electricity in our city was out
our house was pitch black so we made love like crazy
without having any doubts.
I thought about the day you first told me you loved me
you had my heart beating like crazy
I thought of the summer you went away for awhile
and how I missed you so badly.

Although these memories I was remembering were great ones
they can't make the bad ones we had disappear
the day I lost you forever
was the day you ever caused me to shed a tear.
I began to remember that cop on my door step
telling me you were in an accident
I freaked out in denial
I didn't want to believe that.
They said you were seriously injured
and that you might not make it to midnight
so I grabbed the keys and drove to the hospital
all the while praying you would be alright.
I can still feel the last breath you took the last time I kissed your lips
I can feel the warmth of your hand disappear
as I thought of all the great things you would miss.
I felt your soul leave your body
as I held you in my arms
you went away so peacefully
and that realization is probably what kept me calm.
Going home to the place we once shared
was the most uncomfortable thing I had to do
I asked God "What happens now?"
how did he expect me to live life without you.
With strength and hope I let you go
and at your funeral I thanked you for your love
I looked at the stars the night you died
and I could have sworn I saw your heart from heaven above.

As our song on the radio ends
I feel tears pour out of my hazel eyes
I relive the pain I felt when I lost you
I hate remembering the day you died
I am just so thankful I could be there with you
I perfered you died in my arms instead of alone in a bed
it ***** that you left so suddenly
it's an image I can't get out of my head.
Everyday I hurt a little less
but that doesn't mean I forgot all we have been through
you will always be the love of my life
not a night goes by where I don't where I don't ask God to tell you
how much I truly love you.

Tonight is the first night in a year
that I will be going to bed alone
I don't want to but I have to
My body aches as I remind myself that you won't be here
to wrap your arms around me anymore
I feel cold as I lie here wishing I could feel your breathing
dancing with mine
My face burns from tears that can't seem to stop
What hurts the most is knowing you are probably at home
not missing me at all
I've been in love with you for five years
I never in my wildest dreams
thought I would have a shot with you
Finding out that you liked me back
I was so ecstatic
I think about that day and my heart still goes crazy
It stings looking over to my side and not seeing you there
I can't even put into words how sad I feel
I've had my heart broken before and have felt pain like this
but this feels different
This pain I feel is deeper
It's stronger
I have no doubts about my love for you
My love for you is so strong
My love for you is pure
My love for you is a love that I haven't felt for anyone else
I've loved other men before in previous relationships
yet I never missed them as much as I miss you
I thought I knew heartbreak
I thought I had experienced true love
but I think I was wrong
With you I saw a future
I've never seen the future with anybody else
I was with you because I wanted to be
not because I was lonely
Everything about you still gives me butterflies
It hurts to breathe
It hurts to eat
It hurts to laugh
The thought of us not being together anymore hurts too much
I know we agreed on giving each other space
but what if that space means the end?
I don't know how to deal with that possibility
I'm going to try to sleep now
My face hurts from crying
but I've stopped trying to stop the tears
I really hope we can work things out
We've come too far for it to end like this

He loves her
He loves her so deep it terrifies him
She is everything he has ever wanted in a woman
She challenges him
She makes him laugh
She listens to his words with patience and understanding
She compliments him
He thinks he's not good looking
but in her eyes he's magnificent
She causes him to dream about things he gave up wanting
out of fear history would repeat itself
and tear him apart
She doesn't fool around with other men
because she only wants one
He wants to touch her
He wants to smell her hair
kiss her neck
then take her to bed
He wants to love on her all night
and make breakfast for her in the morning
He wants a future with her
He had her once before
but he let her go because of fear
and he regrets it
He knows she'll wait for him
but he's worried she will get tired of waiting
She deserves so much
but he feels he has nothing to offer her
even though he has everything she needs and more
When she is by his side nothing else matters
He wants to tell her how he feels
He wants the regret to stop eating away at him
He wants to go back in time to the night he lied
and told her "I don't love you anymore"
He wants to stop her from walking out the front door
leaving him alone with the choice he made

His door bell rings
He asked her to come over so he could talk to her
He has no idea what her reaction will be
when he tells her he's still in love with her
His heart is pounding
His palms are sweaty
The door bell ring again
He takes a deep breath and opens the door
There she is
The most beautiful woman he has ever seen
She says his name and he melts
As he hugs her he prays that when the night is over
he has finally told her the truth
and he hopes to God she feels the same way

You know the moments when we hang out
the hours just fly by
We sit and watch movies until we fall asleep
and everything is alright
I love the moments when we are alone
and you stare into my eyes
I see things that I have never seen before
and it takes me by surprise
You know the moments when we are at your house
you make me my favorite drink
I think it is cool that you remember what I like
I don't have to remind you about anything
I like how you notice my do's and don'ts
and you never complain
I also like how you show me off to the world
and I love how you say my name
I like the moments when you hug me
you never want to let me go
Even when we are out in public
you're not afraid to let your feelings show
You know the moments when we are at my house
we are up all night, too in love to rest
When we kiss and tell each other "I love you"
those are the moments I love the best

I am pretty certain that you don't love me anymore
I see the way you look at other women
especially her
Your eyes adore her whenever she is in your presence
Your eyes used to stare at me like that
Now whenever you look at me you are disgusted
You are annoyed
I am the last person you want to see
I know for a fact that when you say you're going out with friends
you're secretly meeting up with her
I caught you one afternoon
in the cafe you and I used to go to and sit for hours
locking lips continuously as poets spoke their hearts out in the background
I caught you kissing her
caressing her
showing her attention just like you used to do to me
Everyone knows you're cheating on me
yet no one will say anything
I know that when we *******'re picturing her face but
I am too dumb and weak to think that I deserve better
I must have done something to deserve your betrayal
So like the pathetic ***** I am
I let you treat me like crap
I let you secretly see her and pretend you're with your friends
as I get drunk at home
I believe your lies hoping I will eventually become numb to them
I let you envision her while we are in bed because for some reason
I live to make you happy
I know you will tell me to leave sooner or later
yet a part of me hopes that you won't
I am pretty stupid to let a man treat me this way
Having low self esteem will do that to a person
How utterly pathetic

I am no one special
just a complicated girl
Living in a complicated world
trying to find her place
Where that is I am not so sure
I am not an angel
Never been a beauty queen
never been anything
Other than a troubled soul
trying to find a place in this world

I am lost
I am scared to show who I am
in a world where no one cares if you cry
Scream or commit suicide
How pitiful the world we live in
I do not want to be number one
I do not need a band account full of all the money in the world
I just want to be beautiful
and understood in a world that rarely cares at all
if I scrap my knees and fall
I could bleed, I could die
no tears would be shed from your eyes
How horrible to realize
you do not matter in this world

I am not Jesus
I would love to be a hero to someone who is lost in this world
just dying to be heard
I want to be the one who catches you when you're feeling overwhelmed
because you're frustrated and ignored
I want to be that open door that sets you free
to be the person you were meant to be

I want to see you fly
spread your wings into the sky
with the confidence that you will not fall
knowing you are risking it all
I want to see you shine to the ones who left you behind
I want to see you rise up
look to the stars and know that you are incredible
because in my eyes you are beautiful
You are someone special
complicated but full of dreams
Your scars they don't scare me
in fact they don't mean anything to me

To someone you are number one
they adore the girl you have become
They would cry if you were gone
because in their world you are awesome

To the world I am a freak
they will not listen when I speak
I am too different to be understood
and that makes it really hard to find my place in this world

I want to go to California
I want to go alone
I want to drive for hours
without having to stop to answer my phone
I want to drive all night and day
I don't want anything to pass me by
I want to see amazing sights
and smile as I cry
I want to walk through waves in the ocean
I want the wind to blow through my hair
I want my past to fall to pieces in the sand
so I can bury it there
I want to run through the streets of Los Angeles
I want to smell the air in Beverly Hills
I want to meet new people and hear their stories
about how they have faced their biggest fears
I want to walk on the beach at sunset
I want to dance in circles at dawn
I want to visit places I have never been to
and do karaoke to my favorite songs
I want to stroll down memory lane in Anderson
I want to jump off of cliffs at the lake
I want to swim from one island to another
and take in the views like a great piece of cake
I want to chill next to the Hollywood sign
buy gifts for the people I love
I want to make my dreams come true in California
and eventually call it home
I know I will never want to leave California
but I can always go back whenever my heart calls for it
California is a place of possibilities for me
and I cannot wait to one day be a part of it

You have been on my mind for a few days now
to the point it’s keeping me up at night
sometimes I feel so lucky to have known you
because with you everything felt alright
Then there are days where I hate knowing your Existence
your poison to anyone you get close to
you take them and use them for all that they have
until they are of no use to you
that’s what you did with me
I did everything you asked me to
I even took interest to the things I found boring
just to better understand you
I loved you with every fiber inside of me
to the point I became overwhelmed
I loved you to the point I lost myself
and I didn’t know how to love anybody else
You didn’t care though, i never mattered
I was a game piece to your game
you went from wanting every inch of me
to despising me including my name
you destroyed me inside and out
and I’m left picking up the pieces
having you in my memory is a curse
that once upon a time left me speechless.

My husband is an ***
he claims I have no class
He will have a tough time getting to work
when he realizes his truck is out of gas
Maybe he could drive his truck to work
if only he kept his mouth shut
But instead he likes to get under my skin
by purposely ******* me off

You want to know why I don't trust people?
People lie.
People use your passions to discover your weaknesses and when your not looking they take those weaknesses, build a knife with them then stab you repeatedly in the back.

You want to know why I don't trust men?
Men break things.
Men say all the right things to get into your heart and once you say "I love you" they rip you apart until you no longer recognize yourself then toss you away like garbage.

You want to know why I prefer to be alone?
Socializing brings problems.
Socializing leads to friendships,
friendships leads to trust,
trust leads to memories you capture in pictures that eventually end up in boxes at the top of your closet because the ones you used to socialize with are now strung out on drugs.
They don't even remember your name.
They don't remember the late nights at the river crying because their boyfriend cheated on them with some *****.
They don't remember cake fights at birthday parties or the endless hours we sat playing with puppies in the park talking about our dreams.
Drugs don't allow you to remember that ****.

You want to know why I'm scared to have kids?
History.
History repeats itself.
My history isn't good. It's bad and it's not my fault.
I was a child going through things I didn't deserve because of choices my parents made.
My father was an alcoholic abusive ******* who didn't want me.
I look like my mom but I have my father's personality.
I don't want to bring a child into this world so I can drink and abuse them too. That's not fair to them.
I can change my name.
I can't change the blood that runs through my veins.

You want to know why I'm so guarded?
Fear of rejection.
Rejection is something I'm way too familiar with.
I know it so well I can give you a list of memories from throughout my life and rejection will always be a part of the story.
I was rejected at one day old by someone who was supposed to protect me from monsters in the closet.
I was rejected by family because of what I looked like.
I was rejected by peers in school because I wasn't good enough.
I was rejected by guys because I wasn't slutty enough,
I was rejected for having dreams,
I was rejected by church peers because I wasn't Christian enough.
Rejection brings heartache, embarrassment, shame, low self esteem and insecurities you wouldn't believe.
Eventually you get tired of rejection and you build a wall so big no one, not even God could get through if he tried.
You live your life in isolation and you would rather be alone than take the chance of being hurt again.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 5, 2015 Tuesday 10:38 P.M.

It can be hard sometimes to see your friends
moving on in their lives in ways you wish you could
Some are getting engaged
some are getting married
some are having their first baby
some are already on their third baby
It's not that you are not happy for them because you are
you are ecstatic and you are probably the person they laugh at
for being extremely excited for the happiness in their lives
It's not that you are not satisfied in your life
you love where you are because you know this is where you need to be
but sometimes you can't help but look around and think
"when will my time come?
When will I meet the one who is going to choose to
spend the rest of his life with me?
When will I get to cry at the sight of a beautiful ring?
When will I have the opportunity to stand in front of my loved ones
and declare my love for one person?
When will I get to bring a child of my own into the world?
When will I get to wake up to little arms wanting a hug as they call me mommy?"
Sometimes I feel like the universe is punishing me
because at one point in my life I was so certain I didn't want to be married
I never wanted kids
I never wanted to take the risk of giving my heart away
and trusting someone to not break it
I never wanted to give up my sleeping in however late I want
for having to wake up early in the morning for feedings
and tantrums
I never wanted to sacrifice my body to carry a child
that I would have to be responsible for the rest of my life
I never thought I was good enough to be with someone forever
I always thought I was too messed up in the head to love and guide
another human being into being whoever their heart desired
I was so sure I wanted to live my life alone
without any distractions
Now I changed my mind
I am by myself and I hate not having anyone to come home to
I have all of this freedom and all I want to do is let it go
and be needed
be wanted and share this intense I swear to God it will **** me
love I have inside with someone who will bring out the very
best in me
I don't want to be married tomorrow
I don't want to be a mom tomorrow
but sometimes I feel like I am in competition with everyone
and I hate it
I wish I never wished for the things I did
I wish I wasn't so scared to put myself out there
and I wish I never spent so many years doubting the one thing
I know I would kick *** at
and that's being a mother
I have a long way to go as far as working on myself
and I am not unhappy with my life
I lack patience and sometimes the excitement of
all of the wonderful possibilities my future holds
that haven't happened yet cause me to become so impatient
that I convince myself that certain dreams won't ever come true
I don't want to rush things
I want to enjoy the journey of falling in love
and becoming a parent
Some may think I am crazy and a little bit unrealistic
but I believe in my heart that those things are out there for me
I can't explain the feeling
I just know in my deepest heart it will happen
and when it does I will be so grateful for everything working out
in it's own time

What if on the night we broke up
you decided to stay instead of go
I think we would have ended up arguing again
causing you to walk out that door
What if instead of yelling at you first thing
I grabbed your face and kissed you
you would have found some excuse to break up with me
since breaking hearts is all you do
What if I never took you back
I think I would have been better off
you would have to live with the fact that you lost me
and I wouldn't have given dating you a single thought
What if you actually grew up
during the month we were apart
I don;t think your ready to be a man
you'd rather act like a child and run away when life gets tough
What if you just fess up to being the ***
instead of making me out to be a *****
you'd rather act like the victim
but I'm so tired of this
I'm tired of being the bad guy
while you walk around acting like a king
I hope karma gets you big time
I hope you see what it's like to lose everything

I had a heart to heart with the Lord today
I was crying uncontrollably
I was telling the Lord about how badly
my heart was breaking
I told him I felt so unloved
lost and unwanted
I told him I felt like my life
didn't have a purpose
In the middle of my crying
I felt a hand on my shoulder
I felt a peace come over my soul
and I heard a voice in my ear
It said "my child
do you not have a clue
how much you mean to me
I knew you existed before you were conceived
I loved you before you even had a heartbeat
My plans for you go further
than you could ever dream
You never have to feel alone
because I keep you so very close to me
If you could only feel the pride I have for you
you bring me so much joy in everything you do
I created you in my image
you are perfect to me
It's time you opened up your heart
so you can begin to see what I see
You matter so much to me my child
you are wanted everyday
Whenever you call out my name
I never hesitate to come your way
I love spending time with you
I never tire of hearing you speak
and when you come to me with a problem
I never see you as weak
It brings me joy to know you trust in me
just like I trust in you
I admire all that you are
I will never abandon you
Child wipe your tears
let me turn them into joy
There is so much you have yet to see
I can't wait to show you one day
You are a child of God
you are here for a reason
I know that you are hurting
but you will make it through this season
Never forget who created you
you are treasured unconditionally
Remember I knew you existed
before you were conceived
I loved you
before you even had a heartbeat"

There are fireworks high in the sky tonight
and out of 7.6 billion people in the world
I get to share them with you
While everyone is looking at the colors red, white and blue
I get the pleasure of looking into your hazel eyes
and smile as they sparkle while each firework goes off
With every expression you make
my heart gets bigger as my love and adoration for you grows
You could be sitting on this beach with any other man in the world
and you chose to spend the Fourth of July with me
As I kiss your cheek I can smell the sand in your hair
from when you were lying under the sun and you laughed
at some ridiculous joke I made
You asked me to hold you as the waves hugged our feet
and the ocean put on a show that I swear was made for
only us to see
I am so lucky to be sitting next to you right now
I wish this night never had to end

I guarantee that when this hour of conversation is over
you're going to want to marry me

Seeing you for the first time
was like walking on air
after years of struggling just to take one single step
Touching you was like waking up from a nightmare
I had been trapped in
for what felt like an eternity
Hearing your laugh
was like listening to my favorite band for the first time
through headphones and feeling my heart
beat so fast I thought it would explode
Seeing your smile
was like falling off of a cliff
and landing on a bed of roses in a field made of stars
Hugging you was like taking a breath
after suffocating for so long
Kissing you was like fireworks on the fourth of July
with the warmth of Christmas
and the anxiousness of Halloween
Hearing you say "I love you"
was like coming home
and all of the pain I endured in my past
finally made sense
It all led me to you
Wonderful,
complex,
lovely,
handsome,
beautiful,
breathtaking­,
strong,
a dream come true
It all led me to you

If you didn’t love me anymore…fine

you didn’t have to lead me on

If you didn’t see a future with me…fine

you didn’t have to tell everyone I was the one

If you thought I was too bossy…fine

you didn’t have to pretend to be happy

If you were afraid of commitment…fine

you didn’t have to force yourself to be with me

If you found someone better…fine

you didn’t have to hide behind another lie

If you needed space…fine

you didn’t have to keep me around

If I caused you too much stress…fine

you could have told me to go away

If you never loved me at all…fine

you didn’t have to lie the entire time

On Christmas 2014 my Christmas wish was for it to snow. It never snows in Bullhead City, Arizona so the chances of snow were basically nonexistent.

On Wednesday, December 31, 2014 at 10:40 am it snowed.

Don't you dare tell me that wishes do not come true.

I can't wait for you anymore
you and I are not the same
I've been patient but I'm losing myself
I don't even know my name
What are you planning to do with your life?
You're lazy and you tell lies
There are people and family that love you
but that's too difficult for you to realize
It's interesting how you are
you got so much greatness and talent
You never want to let yourself shine
because you're stuck behind unhealthy habits
One day you will be alone
You will never know who you are
Keep running away from your problems
you won't get very far