Suicide
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfish  
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
and I FIGHT
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no

We are all so quick to fall in love because we want to be in love so badly. If we rush things instead of allowing things to unfold as they should, we are missing out on so many things. We have this idea stuck in our heads that if we do not do certain things now then they will never happen. Not everyone is meant to find the love of their life at sixteen. Some do not find their soulmate until they are well into their thirties, if not older. There is nothing wrong with that. Not everything has to happen now. If you rush things, you are missing out on moments that will never come again. STOP RUSHING! Enjoy where you are. Enjoy this very moment because this moment will never ever come again. If you are meant to be with a certain someone, it WILL happen eventually. If it turns out you and a certain someone are not meant to be, it is because the one you are meant to be with is still out there. Every heartbreak you go through is preparing you for the one you get to spend the rest of your life with. Everyone has a love story. Why rush your love story? The best love stories are the ones that are not rushed, are not forced and are not planned.

I'm not sure how to explain it
I can't even put it on paper
The man I like is heaven on earth
he is absolutely wonderful
I have wished for someone like him
for the past three years now
He is like a character from a book
that always steals your heart somehow
I lie in bed on nights like tonight
wondering how I got so lucky
A part of me feels like I'm in a dream
so I pinch myself repeatedly
He isn't a dream though
he is as real as the moon in the sky
He is Christmas, rain and England all wrapped into one
and I'm proud to call him mine

It’s 3 A.M. England time
I’m laying in bed with your scent on my sheets
if I concentrate just right
I swear I can hear your heartbeat.
Your millions of miles away
I wish I could hear your voice
but heaven doesn’t have a phone
only angels to console you when you cry.
I miss the little things you used to do
like brushing your teeth and combing your hair
putting extra sugar in your coffee
while playing records near the rocking chair.
Sleeping without you is the hardest
I have dreams that your right next to me
then I wake up calling for you
only to realize it was a memory.
I wish you were here to see the snow
so we can make love with the windows wide open,
to write songs with your guitar
then drive through town as we sing them.
To lean on your shoulder and hold your hand in mine
is the thing I miss the most
I think of that as I snuggle under our blankets
as I hold your pillow close.

Whenever I’m with you
all of my problems disappear
It’s like you take away the bad
so my eyes see more clear
Everytime your in my presence
I feel really relaxed
I don’t worry about anything
it’s like I no longer have a past
I’m beautiful in your eyes
you make me feel so blessed
you make me feel so ****
even when I look like a mess
I can be anything I want to be
when I’m wrapped up in your arms
I can make mistakes and you laugh with me
as if I never did anything wrong
I’m your angel
you sayI’m everything you need
if that’s how you really feel about me
then go ahead and marry me
You are the only man
that I see a future with
you love me when I’m really happy
you love me more when I am ******
I couldn’t ask for a better guy
your seriously outstanding
no one makes me feel this good
and the feelings I have are amazing
Whenever I’m alone
I don’t worry about what I am going through
whenever you see a smile on my face
it’s always because of you

I used to think it was important to save relationships with people
who I knew deep in my soul were no longer meant to be in my life.
It's harder when its a family member but I would rather be surrounded
by people who love me so much it's hard for me to comprehend
than force myself to be around people who truly dont care about me at all.
When you love yourself and respect yourself,
I mean truly love and respect yourself, you will have no problem
cutting ties with people who no longer help you grow as a person.
Is it painful?
Yes. It's a heartbreak.
Is is lonely?
Yes. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable.
Does it make room for people who will love you in a healthy way
and present opportunities for you to shine
and take you on adventures too magical for the mind to understand?
Yes. With every loss comes a gain you never expected.
Will it happen overnight? No.
So what do you do? You grieve, you feel, you cry, you get angry,
you fall apart and you embrace being uncomfortable for a little while.
Then one day you realize you have the opportunity to start over,
to rebuild, to rediscover yourself and before you know it you're smiling again.
You're creating art, you're dancing in the rain and laughing so hard it hurts.
You look at yourself in the mirror
and think "wow! What was supposed to break me didn't and I feel good."
Sometimes making the choice to let go of someone toxic
is the best thing you can do for yourself.
It's never easy but its extremely rewarding in the end.
I promise you that.

You had every chance to be with me
yet you chose every other girl in town
What was wrong with me?
What couldn't you see before that you see now?
We spent many nights lying in my bed
just listening to the silence
You would kiss me on the lips
then turn away for no reason
You would make time to see me whenever you could
only to ditch me for parties
I spent hours listening to you discussing about your dream girl
over pancakes at Denny's
I was your human journal
who took in your thoughts without shame
I never told you how much my heart skipped a beat
whenever you said my name
I would have given anything to be with you
you were a mystery everyone took for granted
Seeing you date my best friend though
that bothered me more than you could imagine
I never said anything to you
about how I felt
By the time I got the courage to tell you my feelings
you had already left
You moved out of state
all I have left of you now is your Facebook page
I never look at it though
it brings back memories that won't ever go away
Every once in a while you message me
telling me that you miss me
I never write back
because I don't think that you mean it
Maybe I'm just crazy
for ever thinking I would have a chance with you
You're nothing now but a hidden chapter in a book
I would have loved to write about you

You called me on the phone
you wanted to hear my voice
You asked me how I was
I told you England was nice
I have been away for a year
the distance hasn't gotten much easier
I know I should be back in America by now
but I keep finding reasons to stay here
The rain keeps me cleansed
from my personal demons I have inside
The friends I have made are exceptionally beautiful
they keep me from losing my mind
The sunrises here look like paintings
you can only touch in a dream
My nights at the pub are where I unwind
and I feel as if I can do anything
Everyday I am fighting a battle
of being in love with a place and a person
England is a love affair
that grasped at my heart strings and never let go
I've planned on coming here for most of my life
I knew this would happen one day
I just never thought I would end up meeting my soulmate
one month before I was to go away
I know people can go at anytime
and that places will always stay where they are
However I feel like I have finally found myself
and for the first time I'm not scared of anything at all
I don't want to lose you
but I know you'll never come here
The last thing I wanted was to hurt you
I'm sorry but I'm not leaving England

Being with him is different
from any man I have ever dated before
He gives me the courage to face my demons head on
instead of allowing them to eat away at me for days on end
When he touches me I don't flinch
I feel so safe around him that when I need to break down and cry
instead of going home to cry alone in my bedroom
and risk becoming a victim to my unhealthy thoughts
I go to him
He doesn't turn me away
He holds me tightly and listens to me as I speak
although I don't make any sense when I am upset but
he gets me
He gets me in a way no other human being on earth has before
It sounds hard to believe but
I honestly feel like the Lord made him just for me
I believe that when the Lord created him years ago
he kept me in mind as if he knew I would need him one day
Being with him is like coming up for air
after drowning for so long
Being with him is like Wisconsin on a snowy day
but instead of freezing we just run and play
Kissing him is like a dream you never want to wake up from
When he looks at me I can feel his love for me
At night when he holds me I can feel my heart
dance along to his
He's like magic
He's like the fall to Wonderland without the emotional pain
and frustration
He is everything I wished for
He is everything I have ever read about in books
He is everything I have ever wanted
I have finally found him
I finally found my soulmate

Last night I had a nightmare
that everyone I knew was dead
there were bodies all over the floor
there were even some in my bed
When I turned on the light there was blood everywhere
brains were all over the walls
some bodies were headless, some hung from there stomachs
about ready to fall.

When I left my room I ended up in a hallway
and saw a girl cutting her wrists
she looked at me as she held  the razor up
and whispered real loudly "you want this?"
I felt ***** coming up my throat and ran to the bathroom
only to find a tub full of blood
lying in it was a naked girl
letting the tub overflow like a flood
I stood there scared out of my mind
until I noticed the girl looked like me.

I screamed and ran into the girl from the hallway
she grabbed me and wouldn't let me breathe
"ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?" she yelled
"ISN'T CUTTING YOUR BEST FRIEND?
DON'T YOU SEE? I'M HERE TO HELP YOU!
I'M BRINGING YOU TO YOUR END!
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO **** YOURSELF BABY GIRL SO TAKE THIS RAZOR AND ******* DO IT!
RID YOURSELF FROM THIS EVIL WORLD!"

I fought her off and screamed "NO!"
I threw the razor on the floor
She laughed and said "are you scared?
I thought you didn't want to be here anymore?"
I fell to the ground and cried hysterically asking God for help
the girl in the hallway just kept laughing while screaming "GOD WON'T SAVE YOU NOW!"
The girl looked at me and said "your pathetic wishing you could die.
You want to be dead so ******* bad go and give suicide a try.
You see that ***** in the tub?
That's you if you make this choice.
You will be nothing but a ****** corpse who will no longer have a voice."

I told her I didn't want to
then she called me a *****
she began to call me stupid as she told me how I was so lucky.
She told me I was strong
but I was choosing to be weak
every time I opened my mouth
she wouldn't let me speak
She told me to make a choice
it was either life or death
she told me to hurry up
because I didn't have much time left
she said "you want to be a quitter, take this razor and slit away
but once you do it your done for
and this is how you'll be remembered everyday.
Or you can **** it up
and be the strong Mandie I know you can be
the one who doesn't give into this **** like a depressed wannabe."

I told her I wanted life
then she asked me "Why?
All you do is complain and you never try.
You want to change the world?
Be the change you wish to see
or else you can **** yourself and spend eternity misreable like me.
You got so much to offer
stop being afraid
stop putting yourself down and listening to what other's have to say.
Cut the ******* and start living
don't wait for life to come to you
and stop thinking suicide is the answer because killing yourself is the worst thing you can do."

I turned around and looked at myself in the tub
that's not who I wanted to be
I want to live and be happy
not dead and lonely
the girl told me "You got one shot, don't **** this up
go back to your bed this will all be gone when you wake up."
As I walked back to my bedroom
all the bodies began to disappear
the blood was no longer on the walls
and I no longer felt fear.
When I awoke the next morning
there was a message on my mirror
"This is your last chance"
and for the first time my future was clear.

Breakfast on the balcony
the weather is 56°
I am wearing a hoodie and leggings
as my cat lies near my feet
It's supposed to be chilly all day long
and I plan to stay in and read
I'm going to open up all of my windows
and let the autumn air take hold of me
I've been waiting for this all year
a perfect day such as this one
Where I can sip my coffee and enjoy the gray clouds
instead of the yellow sun
As I dip my French toast into my syrup
I feel a leaf fall onto me
My face lights up as I welcome Autumn
to have breakfast with me on the balcony

It has been six days since I have seen you
your scent is still lingering on my shirt
I am trying my best to hold myself together
but it is hard because I am always hurting
I miss you so much like crazy
no words can describe the ache I feel
The fact that I miss you is just another reminder
that what we have is real
This distance is only temporary
the love we share is forever
The distance will not drive us apart
it will only make us stronger
Knowing you will come back to me soon
makes this long distance thing easier to do
Everyday that passes is another day where I am closer to being with you

I believe that if a man cannot handle you in pajamas or sweatpants then he does not deserve to see you in a **** pair of jeans or a dress.

The snow is falling hard outside
the wind is really cold
I'm sitting on the front porch with a cup of hot chocolate
with you and the hand I love to hold
The lights on the house are shining bright
the stars look beautiful as ever
the truck can no longer be seen
due to this very stormy weather
The fireplace is burning in the living room
while the cats play with ***** of string
the dogs are chewing their chew toys
as we await the year we are excited to bring
The kitchen smells of cookies and brownies
the Christmas tree is full of angels
the television is playing "How The Grinch Stole Christmas"
as our bathroom is lit with cinnamon candles
With a warm house behind me
full of memories we cherish
I just want to sit in the cold with you
as I make my New Years wish
My wish is to be in your arms forever
even on the day we die
"I wish this moment would last forever"
I whisper to the Christmas angels in the sky

Right now I don't feel so good
everything is out of place
it's hard to think clearly about anything
when tears keep falling down my face
My heart is shattered
there are pieces of me everywhere
I look like **** with these cuts on my wrists
but lately I don't really care
I'm losing the only person
who is worth feeling anything for
I know I will never see him again
once he walks out my front door
To live without him
it just scares me to death
I have the urge to throw up
which makes it impossible to rest
I don't know what's going to happen
I don't know what to do
all i know is I can't do this alone
I can't live my life without you
I'm just so scared
that's what I know for sure
right now I'm fearing our goodbye
that will happen once you walk our my front door.

I turn the music up loud
to block out the noise
I put on my headphones
so I can't hear my voice
The guitars are blasting sounds
that are taking away my pain
the words are making me cry
and making me sweat like rain
My teeth are chattering from the cold
I'm afraid I'll get yelled at
I'm afraid to leave my room
I don't want to get screamed at
I'm afraid to be myself
I can't be something that I'm not
I'm tired of being depressed
and hating what I don't got
I turn the music off
I can hear myself cry
I really can't leave my room
but I'm afraid I'll have to try
I take my headphones off
I turn off my bedroom light
I fall asleep in my warm bed
and let everything fall into the night.

Looking into this mirror
picking out the things I hate about myself
when I should be loving myself
Feeling so tired of having no energy
when it's my negativity
stealing my joy from me
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another morning
thinking I'm not pretty
when in fact I'm pretty

Sitting next to a man
he's so gorgeous and those eyes I can stare into them for eternity
I'd like to kiss him and ask him out for a coffee
but I worry I'm not good enough to be with a man like him
I complain that I'm lonely
but I don't take the chance to let someone in
and let them love me unconditionally
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I'm not good enough for anyone
when in fact I'm more than good enough

Lying in my bed at night
thinking of the scars I made on my skin
feeling ashamed for some choices that I made in my past
At the same time though those choices I made
paved the way for me to become a better me
I never give myself credit
for overcoming demons I thought would one day **** me
I'm so quick to bash myself
but I never love myself and that's gotta change
because I can't love anyone else unless I can love myself too
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I'm some mistake
when I'm here for a reason

I don't want to waste away my life
giving into negativity and self hate
when I deserve way more than that
I don't want to waste another day
thinking I don't matter
when in fact I matter

Don't you dare spend another day
thinking you don't matter
because you matter
You more than matter
You are loved

I used to think crying was for the weak
until I learned how much crying relieves the soul
when I cry all the pain that I feel slowly goes away
and it covers up the hole
the hole that forms inside your heart
when you have to say goodbye
the hole that brings back memories
and brings a tear to your eye
I cry in all different places
the shower, my bedroom, the river
sometimes, depending on my memory, crying makes me shiver
I cry to a favorite song
I cry when I go for a walk
or I lay in bed with the lights off so God and I can talk
Crying makes me depressed
but only for a little while
once I’ve cried I can wipe up my face
and eventually put on a smile
I think whoever said crying was for the weak
obviously never expierenced true pain
it’s okay to cry when your hurting
it’s what helps get me through the rain

It's been ten days since you left
it hurt so bad to see you go
I wish you were still here with me
I wish you never had to go
I don't know where to start from here
right now I feel so lost
your probably happy with your new life
and for that I wish you the best
I can't seem to be here in this house
not with all the memories of you
maybe I should move to another place
and create something new
I wonder how your doing
how is life without me
I'm sure it's wonderful
I wonder if a part of you misses me
I'll never know why we went seperate ways
I'll always remember that this was your choice
you had responsibilities yiou had to deal with
that's what you said the last time I heard your voice
This is really killing me though
I'm not ready to move on
I lost a part of myself
the moment I realized you were gone.

She takes the blade off the shelf
and puts it to her vein
she wants to rip herself apart
she wants to leave behind everything
She’s a mistake in this world
she’s been told so by her peers
now she sits on the bathroom floor
crying out endless tears
She drags the blade across her wrist
splitting her vein in half
her eyes widen in fear
as the floor turns into a blood bath
Her body goes limp
as the blade falls from her hand
she lets her hair soak up the blood
God, it’s just so sad
How one little comment
can hurt someone so bad
that they take their own life
not giving a **** about the life they led
She is free from this world now
no one can hurt her anymore
her heart stops beating
as her last tear hits the floor

There are so many guys in this world
but all I want is you
your everything I've ever wanted
even after all the drama we have been through
Your the smile on my face when I take pictures
your the song that I'm singing when I'm alone
your the last person I go to bed thinking about
your the first person I talk to in the morning on the phone
Your my inspiration for the poetry I write
your my laugh when I'm with my family
your my go to person when I need advice
even when I'm ******* you find ways to make me happy
Your my confidence when I'm afraid
your arms are my safe place when I need comfort
your my sunshine on rainy days
and the only one I can stand to be around for hours
Your my Prince Charming just like in the Disney movies
your my pillow when I'm in pain
your the song and I'm the lyrics
your the thunder and I'm the rain
Your my Mickey and I'm your Minnie
your my future and best friend
your my husband and my dream come true
the one that I promise to love till the very end.

I have so much to tell you
I don't know where to begin
half the things I want to tell you
will probably be a sin
So I'm going to be honest
as honest as I can
I'm going to try my best to talk to you
without raising my hand
I really, really hate you
you are the biggest ******* alive
you make life so painful to live
I wish you all would just die
I don't want an apology
apologies don't mean ****
but you better back yourselves up
before I decide to hit
Why do I hate you all?
I can't believe what I hear
maybe it's the way you treated me
whenever I shed a tear
or maybe it's the way you put me down
when I had a smile on my face
or the way you called me white
and made fun OF MY RACE
MAYBE IT'S HOW YOU TOLD ME I NEVER DRESS RIGHT
HOW I'M SO DUMB
I WILL NEVER BE BRIGHT
OR THE TIME I SAID I WOULD BE SUCCESS FULL
YOU SAID "YEAH BY DANCING ON POLES"
OR MAYBE HOW YOU MADE FUN OF ME
BECAUSE THE ONLY SHOES I HAD WERE WITH HOLES

........................

Maybe it's how you never knew me
but you judged me all of the time
or how you always laughed at me
when I had no money, not even a dime
Maybe it's how my hair was "stupid"
"I was trying to be a wannabe"
or maybe when I had a crush
you told me nobody would want me
I don't care about the things you said
or maybe I do
I don't hate the things you said
I just really hate each and every one of you
I hope you burn in hell
or I hope you suffer in death
"I hate you" are words I never say
but for you girls I mean them
and I'm never taking them back.

Can this be the moment
that I finally realize what I want in my life?
Can this be the moment
that I finally get the chance at happiness?
I may be just a person
with no superhero abilities
like the ones you see on TV
I may be a nobody
but I got dreams as big as the sky
that no one can see
I may be 5.4 physically
but my soul has no limit
to what I can achieve
I may struggle on the daily
but I still wake up thinking something great will happen to me
I can't live without hope
I can't live without faith
I can't live my life thinking that this is it for me
I can't hate myself and expect to be the best for someone
out there who can potentially love me unconditionally
I'm not perfect
but I'm human
and that's all I want to be
I want to feel everything intensely
and not care who is laughing at me
I am strong in ways
I never give myself credit for
and it's not right that I treat myself like I'm not as important
as all of the people in my life that I would die for in an instant
Who will die for me?
I'm going to be somebody one day
I'm going to have my own fairy tale
and it will be messy
and it will be everything I dreamed of
and I won't want to change a thing about it
I gotta believe in what I want
it's hard but I'm learning to trust in life each day
If I can believe in everyone else then I sure as hell can believe in me
I will get my moment
I will get my hearts desire when I least expect it
I just gotta believe in it
I do believe in it
and I believe in myself

I feel so sad right now
I can’t help but shake
everything is falling apart
and it’s all due to a heartbreak
Everything is spinning slowly
I can’t even count my steps
I want to take a chance at moving on
but I’m not ready to do so just yet
so until I do I’ll keep busy
and I’ll try to do my own thing
I’m so tired of pretending to be happy
it doesn’t help with anything
I’m trying to stay focused on positivity
but it’s hard with all this *******
it makes me want to do something stupid
such as go back to old habits
I’m trying my best to be strong
but it’s getting to be impossible
I’m becoming something that I’m not
I’m no longer reliable
I just feel so helpless
I wish i wasn’t alive
I wish something good would happen
sort of like a neat surprise
but good things don’t happen to me
I’m not worthy of anything good
I’m just a ******* crazy girl
who’s constantly misunderstood
Maybe I’ll cut tonight
then I won’t be so sad
maybe I’ll bust a ******* vein
then I’ll stop feeling so bad

It's strange, sad and amazing to think that no matter how hard you work, how much courage you use to put yourself out into the world that is already consumed with so much hate and despite all of the pressure you feel to hide out of fear of rejection, no matter what you do or how much you try there is always that one person who can still make you feel as small as an ant on the ground and without saying anything they Can make you feel so insignificant. It's heartbreaking that you will never be good enough for some people, even family.

I was looking at you today
and I thought to myself
"wow he is truly the most handsome man
I have ever laid eyes on"
Then you looked up
and my heart just grew bigger
I felt your eyes on my soul
and I thought to myself
"gosh I love it when he looks at me
please don't ever stop"
I get nervous being close to you
because your skin against mine
feels like a dream I never thought would come true
You excite me
You surprise me
You amaze me
You make me blush like crazy
You make me laugh
You make me happy
So smile away
and keep looking at me
I won't ever get tired of admiring you

Waking up and 6 A.M.
I open the curtains to the let the sun shine into my room
every thing looks brand new
I slept alone for the first time in awhile
woke up with a big huge smile and I don't know why
I feel so alive.
All the things that weighed me down
I just let them go
took control of what I was running from
now I'm looking through the lens of a world that seems much brighter
everywhere I go, every step I take just feels lighter
I feel like I'm walking on cloud nine
for the first time in my life I'm convinced that I will be just fine
I'm no longer scared of the world that's out there
it feels pretty **** good to be back in my own skin
it feels good to not cry myself to sleep
it feels wonderful to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see
So many changes I'm going through
but I'm not changing for anyone else
I'm changing for me.

I am sitting next to a window on an airplane
It's 2:05 in the morning
I am watching the lights of the city I love
shine brightly below me
The higher I get in the sky
the smaller the world looks
yet for me I feel so big
and I am not scared of anything
When I am on the ground
I feel like anything can harm me
However in the sky
I feel like I can do the impossible
I don't mean perform miracles like Jesus
I mean my dreams
Everything my heart desires that I think will never happen
seems possible now that I am high in the air
Those hours on the plane are unlike anything I have ever felt
Most of the people around me are irritated
and can't wait to get back on the ground
but not me
I could stay here all day if it means I get to feel this way the entire time
I don't mind at all

It's 6:05 in the morning now
I can see the tiny world below me waking up to a new day
The plane is about to land and I feel an ache in my chest
As I feel the wheels hit the ground I feel myself start to cry
I don't mind being on the ground
as long as I maintain the same feeling I had when I was in the sky

You always tell me what to do
I'll never do what you want me to
You don't make me happy
you make me mad
You ignore me when I talk
and you laugh when I'm sad
I do all the work in the relationship we have
You don't care about us
or anything that we have
I yell and I scream
so you can understand me
but it's making me sick
because you never listen to me
If you really care for me
you would try to be there
but all your proving to me is that you don't care
So tell me what you want
because I need to move on
I can't believe your an ***
I can no longer hold on

I have nothing to say today
I have no thoughts racing in my brain
no ****** expressions revealing how I feel on my face
my eyes don't want to see anything but my eyelids
my heart feels nothing today
my body has no energy to move
my hands can't grasp a pen
my stomach isn't hungry
and my legs don't feel like walking
I don't want to turn on any lights
I want to enjoy the dark
I don't want to hear noise
so all of my electronics are off
I want no visitors so my front door is locked
I have no plans to leave the house
so my jeep is in the garage safely parked
I don't want to be social
so my cellphone is hidden away
I'm not depressed at all
I just have nothing to say today.

I never meant to hurt him
I didn't plan to leave
I didn't plan anything then
I never thought about the consequences of my actions
If I stayed I would have ended up married young
Possibly divorced by now
I would have gotten pregnant with a child I didn't want
which would have left me stuck
It wouldn't have been the right choice for my life to stay
It wouldn't have been fair to him to make him settle
when he has so much to offer this world
I know I seem selfish
I know he thinks of me as heartless
I am not scared of love
I grew up
I can't just take risks and hope that I live happily ever after
Life doesn't work that way
I know I disgust him
I know I can never be forgiven
I should have been honest with him
but I didn't want to hurt him
A part of me will always love him
My feelings for him have not changed
I just needed to know if there was more for me out there
Turns out there is
I have found happiness and success in California
Yet none of it could ever fill the hole I have inside of my chest
from missing him so much
I ******* up
He's right
There is nothing I can do to fix the damage I have caused him

Let us stay here forever
Let us just just lie on this bed staring into each other's eyes
as the snow falls outside
Let us allow the snow to pile so high
we have no way of leaving this place
Let us shut the world out and create a world of our own
Let us create a world so beautiful
it would be just like heaven
It would be our secret world
our special place where we can lie here for all of eternity
No one can harm us
No one can tell us how to be
No one can tear our love apart
It will be just you and I
Our two hearts beating so rapidly
it's enough to make non believers believe in love again
Let us believe in the impossible
Let us always dream
Let us always be in love


Dedicated to My Friends Jarod Drew Vermilyea and Nikki Lul

I feel like such a burden 99% of the time
I think about what life would be like with me out of the equation
and sadly I feel like everyone I love would be better off
My parents won't have to deal with the embarrassment of their daughter being a high school drop out
with no ambition in life other than to write poetry about how sad she is
My brothers and sisters won't have to deal with the annoyance of their sister being so sad she can't get out of bed some days because sometimes being around people for too long drains her
My nieces won't have to grow up having an aunt who is bat **** crazy and they won't ever have to deal with the embarrassment  and annoyance my family suffers
My friends won't have to worry about their friend who can never stay happy for too long
My boyfriend wont have to deal with the stress of having a girlfriend who cries everytime she looks at her reflection
God won't have to waste his time blessing me with this life I take for granted because I am a lazy waste of space
My body wont have to work just to keep me alive when all I do is punish it for not looking the way I think it should
I feel like I waste people's time
I feel like I make everyone's lives stressful just by breathing and I don't want that
I want to make the ones I love happy
I just can't seem to do that

Sometimes when I'm at home by myself
I lie in bed just thinking of all the mistakes I made.
Should i have said this?
Should I have said that?
Should i have done this?
Should I have never done that?
Did I not care enough?
Did I care too much?
Was I too clingy? Too annoying?
Did I love you too much?
Should I have been there for you through certain things instead of giving you your own space like I thought you needed?
Did I yell too much or did you not care to listen to anything I had to say?
Did I do too much?
Was I horrible in bed?
Was I too adult for you?
Should I have acted more like a kid?
Maybe I was wrong for getting mad at you when you made a mess.
Maybe I expected too much because I knew you were better than this.
Maybe I was wrong for thinking you would change.
Maybe I changed too much and you could never catch up to where I was no matter how hard you tried.
I ask myself these questions and I blame myself for never being enough.
When in all reality I was enough but you just tossed me away.
I could be the most beautiful girl in the world with guys on my *** everyday
but even then you would still get scared, make an excuse and just walk away.
Maybe I wasted my time.
Maybe I should have acted better.
Maybe I should have kept my feelings to myself
and not have written such long letters.
You think I'm not good enough but someone else in the future will call your bluff
and only then you will see what a mistake you made when you finally realize I was enough.

Always
Making
A
Not
So
Nice
Day
Amazing

There is something about Fall that brings me comfort
Maybe it is the color of the leaves
Maybe it is the warm clothes
Maybe it is the smell of cinnamon in the air
Maybe it is the holidays that come with Fall

I think it is more than that
I think it is the word itself
It is the season
When I think of Fall I think of changes
Fall is the season for change
It makes sense

Winter is the season to bear all
and express your feelings to the ones who mean the most to you

Spring is for blooming into a new person
who has more courage than they had the year before

Summer is for going with the flow
Allowing your inner child to be set free to guide you
through the adult roller coaster you cannot get off of once you turn 18

Fall is the season where all of the negative  you picked up
from previous seasons fall away
You have no choice but to give into the season of Fall
because no matter what you may be facing
there is something always around the corner
that is meant to touch your heart and soul somehow

Fall is like being in love
It is an indescribable feeling
Once it hits you you cannot help but become giddy and joyful

Fall is the only season where anything good and bad can change
but you are not afraid of the change because Fall
has this way of reassuring you that you are in the exact place
you are supposed to be and that no matter what
everything will be okay

He said I was a daydream
disguised as a nightmare
He said that I am a nice person
full of a lot of compassion
yet I pretend to be mean
to keep myself from being hurt
He's right
It was then the walls around my heart fell down
and I was no longer afraid to feel

The snow is falling gently outside
the lights on the house are glowing with love
The Christmas tree is full of ornaments we made together
before God made you an angel above
The sky is dark yet full of stars
holiday movies play on the television
I sit outside with my cup of hot cocoa
hoping you can hear me from heaven
I wish you could see the house
it is decorated just for you
The mistletoe hangs where we used to kiss
as the clock strikes two
Your records stay in their place
just as you left them
I get sad knowing their collecting dust
but I don't have the heart to touch them
I tried making your famous pasta tonight
it's a recipe I can never get right
I drink the wine we used to share together
as we sat next to the window awaiting the winter weather
I still stay up until 2 am
hoping to catch Santa coming into the house
Yet I always manage to fall asleep
as I dream of you singing Beatles songs to me
I look through old photo albums
full of pictures from five Christmas's ago
I am immediately taken back to our first Christmas
where our first kiss took place in the snow
With tears in my eyes I grab the keys
to take a drive in your car
Merry Christmas my love
I hope your happy wherever you are



To those who are dealing with holiday grief I just want you to know that you are not alone. Merry Christmas. I hope your day is a wonderful one and I hope your heart is full of hope, love and happiness.

Can you feel my heartbeat?
That's you
Every time you walk into a room
my heart starts dancing
Whenever I see you sad
my heart erupts with panic and all I want to do
is take that sadness away from you
When I run into you at the grocery store
you make it a point to ask about my day
I look at you in disbelief
how can someone so perfect make me feel this way
Before I even knew you
your presence had a huge affect on me
Your face shows up in my dreams
making it impossible to breathe
I want you to feel my heartbeat
it beats so clear but you don't have a clue
That every minute of everyday
my heart beats just for you

You told me you loved me for the first time today
As soon as you said those three words
I felt the earth stop moving
Time stood still
All I could hear was the sound of my heart
thumping with fear
My throat closed up when I tried to speak
I could see the disappointment in your eyes
once you realized that I didn't say I loved you back
It's not that I don't love you
I do love you
I really do
I just can't say the words out loud
I am too terrified to tell you how I feel
I know communication is important in a relationship
I am great with communicating
At least I used to be
I used to be fearless with confessing my feelings
Until I learned confessing my feelings just opens the door
to heartbreak I'm not sure I ever recovered from
I'm sorry I can't say those three words back
You deserve to be with a woman who is fearless in love
A woman who doesn't let the past keep her
from embracing someone great that is standing right
in front of her face
I'm sorry
I can't do this

People think they know everything
they really don't know anything at all
they don't know how **** you look when you get out of the shower
or how deep your voice sounds during a phone call.
They don't know how fast my heart beats
when you randomly stare at me
they don't know how gorgeous your body is
when your lying naked next to me.
They don't know about the commitments we've made
in case one of us were to die
they don't know our special word we say
when we want to leave a party early at night.
They don't know about the plans we made
for our future life together
they don't know about the promises we made
or our belief in our love lasting forever.
They don't know about the endless letters you wrote to me
when distance consumed our lives
they don't know about the fears we faced
and all the tears we cried.
They don't know about the fights we had
that only made us stronger
they don't know about the hell we went through
just to stay together.
They don't know the last words you said to me
before you passed away
they didn't see the sparkle leave your eyes
or how your lips went from cherry red to gray.
They didn't know how tightly I squeezed your hand
begging you to hold on
they didn't know the guilt I felt
for ever doing you wrong
they didn't know the thoughts that were in my head
the first night I was home without you
they didn't know about the sleepless nights I had
because I couldn't sleep without you.
They will never know how heartbroken I was
the day I let go of it all
they will never know my last thoughts
as I pulled the trigger and let the last of my thoughts spray all over our bedroom wall.

It's like a dream you know?
One minute we are curled up in each others arms
naked underneath the sheets
Then, in the blink of an eye
we're apart
You're on one side of the world in the sun
I'm clear on the other side in the rain
We're both in agony
We're both in emotional pain because we miss each other
Yet we have never met
It's like we did meet before
but we never did
Sometimes I think you're a figment of my imagination
some voice inside my head
If you're not real
how come I wake up some mornings in your arms
feeling you breathe slowly on my neck as you sleep
Those days are perfect
We stay in bed all day
making love
laughing and talking about forever
I close my eyes to kiss you
but when I open them
I'm back to being by myself
stuck in a state of depression I have never experienced before
Why can't we just be together always?
How come the second the earth moves a little too quickly
or the stars disappear for just a blink
we fall apart?
Like a wrecking ball just smashing us into a million pieces
What is wrong with us?
How long will we play this game of torture amongst ourselves?
When will we finally find the courage to just love the hell out of each other
just like in the dreams we have
when everything is perfect?

Before you walk out that door
listen to what I have to say
Running away from your problems
will not make them go away
Before you do anything permanent
think about the choice you're making
Is it really worth losing your life?
Do you realize the risks you are taking?
Killing yourself will not make them shut up
they will just start picking on someone else
Be the hero in this situation
go get yourself some help
You are far too beautiful and talented
to be another statistic in a **** book
Before you do anything else
go to your mirror and have a look
In front of you is a girl
who has the power to save lives
You just need a little guidance
and reassurance that you will be alright
You are a walking miracle
in a world who has lost all hope
You are the light in someone's darkness
you are someone's melody in a music note
I know the pain you feel hurts
even breathing makes you tired
You have talents begging to be seen
you have an inner fire
I know you feel alone
but you are far from it
You need to let somebody in
to help you finish what you started
Please put down that razor
and let yourself cry
Do not be afraid to show your emotions
there is no reason to hide
You are nothing like the bullies say
you are someone unique
You have what it takes to change the world
just pick up your pen and write
Your words are somebody else's words
that are afraid to be said out loud
You have no reason to feel bad
you have every reason to be proud
You were given the gift of words
words are how a person explains what they feel
You know how to open a person up
you know how to help them heal
Your future is full of greatness
the choice is up to you
To choose life or choose death
what are you going to do?

Just because your parents didn’t plan you doesn’t mean your a mistake and it doesn’t mean you are a accident either. You were simply a surprise. A surprise God wanted to perform miracles in people’s lives by giving them hope simply by exsisting. Your presence is the light in someone’s darkness, your smile lifts someone’s mood on a bad day and your friendship is enough to give someone strength to face another day. You matter. You are somebody’s world and you don’t even know it. The next time you feel like your a mistake remind yourself that your a surprise, a surprise who is loved tremendously.

When I look into the mirror
I see a girl with a lot of talent
I see someone beautiful and amazing
I see a girl who is not afraid to admit when she's had it
Not only do I see beauty
I see a girl with a good heart
I see respect and intelligence
I see strength for when she falls apart
I see courage and happiness
I see understanding and hope
I see personality and *****
I see a girl confident enough to reach for the stars
I see love and friendship
I see miracles and laughter
I see **** and glamorous
I see a girl who believes in happily ever afters
I see a girl who sees the heart for what it truly is
I see a girl who is mysterious
sort of like a walking quiz
I see nothing but greatness
I see individuality
I see a girl who is proud to be unique
I see the naturally, sweet and silly Mandie  


This is a me I haven't seen in a really long time. I missed her. Please don't ever go away again.