You are such an *******
You wait until you're 3,000 miles away
to tell me that you love me
You told me that I wasn't the one
You said meeting me wasn't fate
You told me that being with me
would be a huge mistake
Now that you're not here
you tell me that you were wrong
You tell me that all of the signs were there
you were just too ******* up to notice
You thought I was like every other girl in town
NEWSFLASH!
I am nothing like the girls in this town
I don't sleep around as if I am in competition with girls
who have no respect for themselves
Contrary to what you may think
I never wanted your ****
I wanted your heart
I wanted to love you madly
I wanted to love you so much that when you looked into the mirror
you had no choice but to see yourself in a whole new light
I wanted to make it impossible for you to figure me out
God forbid someone would want to get to know you
for who you truly were right?
I never fought for you
because I believe in fate
I believe if two people are meant to be together
they will be
It doesn't matter how much distance is between two people
It doesn't matter what their story line is
If it's meant to be
it will be
I wasn't going to beg you to love me
I'm not desperate
It's not my job to tell you what an idiot you are
You feel lost without me?
Good
Shame on you for comparing me to other girls
who don't even know what true love is
If you miss me that much
then come back
Prove it to me
Prove to me why I should give you a chance
when even God knows you sure as hell do not deserve one

Love terrifies me
the thought of falling asleep in somebody’s arms
not sure whether or not their wishing you were someone else
the thought of leaning on someone when your down
not knowing if your driving them crazy or not
buying them gifts and doing their laundry only to discover love notes from another girl in the pocket of his skinny jeans
falling in love only to realize who you fell for is far different than the person you thought you knew
expressing your feelings only to be told in return things you know are lies
meeting the family and feeling accepted when behind closed doors you being titled as “NOT GOOD ENOUGH”
saying “I Love You” and meaning it to be told “I Hate You”
to find out everything you built together was nothing, it meant nothing to him but to you it was your whole world
the thought of trusting somebody with my heart after it was ripped apart is enough to make me want to puke
I guess it’s obvious to see
love absolutely terrifies me

I'm changing in ways I never thought would happen
who I used to be is gone
I went from this happy angel to depressed and broken
I don't know what went wrong
From my hair to my clothes to my personality to my attitude
all that seemed to change
Others complain about how I turned out
I love the results and that's strange
Sadness is not an emotion to me
it's something I deal with everyday
I hold it in on a daily basis
hoping it will go away
No matter where I go
no matter what I do
my sadness will stay in it's place
until I decide to release it by letting tears roll down my face
I'm learning to let things go
it's a process in the making
I'm risking losing certain people
but it's a risk worth taking
I never thought I'd see the day
where sadness didn't exist
That day will come eventually
and it's a day I refuse to miss

I don't want to get up today
Why make the bed when I know I will just mess it up later?
I just want to stay in the dark because I don't want the world to see me
COFFEE! I NEED COFFEE NOW!
I hope my shower washes away all of the uncomfortable feelings I am feeling right now
Taylor Swift always makes everything better
These jeans make my *** look big
My hair is so frizzy I wish I looked cute bald
Lipstick doesn't cure ugly but I can dream right?
I wish I could physically jump into the book I am currently reading
I don't want to go outside
I feel sick
This grocery store is making me claustrophobic
I can't figure out where anything goes
My head is full of chaos
WRITING HELPS!
I can't wait until my boyfriend comes home from work
Doing the dishes is so therapeutic
SERIOUSLY! IT'S THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE DO I NEED TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK NOW!!!????
I can't sit still
Something is wrong
I wonder if he thinks I'm fat
I need to eat slow
I hope this wine doesn't turn me into an alcoholic
I wonder if I annoy my boyfriend
I feel so **** and fat at the same time
WHY CAN'T I JUST ENJOY THIS ICE CREAM?!
It feels so good to laugh
Don't stop
BEDTIME! I'M DRAINED!
I wonder if he wants to break up with me
I can't sleep
Anxiety won't let me

I have spent so long protecting myself from getting hurt
that I have no idea how to let anyone love me
the way I deserved to be loved.

It is a learning process for me
I am not used to being heard when I need to vent
I am not used to being stopped and kissed unexpectedly
in the middle of the day
I am not used to being put first
I have no idea what it is like to be adored
to the point I am on the verge of tears
I do not know what it feels like to be half naked
and feel comfortable in my skin
I do not know what it is like to be loved by a man

When you spend so long being mistreated
disrespect is what you expect from everyone
I am teaching myself to expect the opposite
It is not easy when my anxiety is always in my ear
whispering all kinds of negative garbage but
I am learning
I am accepting the fact that someone loves me completely
I am facing the fact that someone wants to love me
and most importantly
I am learning to accept that I deserve to be loved so deeply
I am breaking the habit of thinking I deserve to be treated any less

Be nice to the wallflowers for they know all of your secrets. The kind of secrets that can ruin a person.

Having a baby is not a decision to be taken lightly
Everything changes when you have a baby
Your relationship with your lover changes
Your finances change
Your social life changes
Your body changes
Your view of the world changes
Your priorities change
It's not just about you anymore
Whether you keep your baby or abort it
that moment when you find out you are pregnant stays with you forever
Whether you decide to give your child up for adoption or keep it
that choice you make will impact you forever
For nine months nothing is in your control
even though the choices you make are healthy ones there is no guarantee of a positive outcome
When your baby is here you are a parent not just for the next eighteen years but for the rest of your life
Everything you do, everything you say, every person you surround yourself with, every decision you make, every mistake you make will impact your child in some way
From the time your baby takes it's first breath
your life is changed
From the moment you hear a heartbeat your life is no longer yours
Having a baby is not like ordering something off of a McDonald's menu
It is a decision that should be thought about and weighed carefully because once you make that choice you cannot go back
There is no break from being a parent
There is no vacation
There are women struggling to have children and get nowhere while women who don't care are given babies like it's nothing
I don't know if that is a cruel joke made by God but it ****** me off that children some who are not even a day old
are being neglected because their parents don't think or care about the consequences of their actions
A baby is not a toy
A baby is a human being who will one day grow up to make a difference in this world
That is a huge responsibility
I don't have children
I don't want any children
I don't know if I am meant to have children or not
If I did however choose to have a child
I will make sure to be 100% ready not just for myself
but for my child who deserves nothing but the best

Sometimes when I think about killing myself
I see the details so perfectly
I see my vein splitting apart as blood leaks out of me
I see my heart pumping faster as my body goes into shock
I see myself fall to the floor
as my eyes roll to the back of my head
My hand that I cut myself with hits the floor
The razor makes a faint noise as it bounces off of the ground
Everything sits still once I hit the floor
as I lay there with blood gushing out of me
my body finally gets the peace it's been yearning for
Who knew that a simple injury to one self
could make the soul feel so much at ease

Where did I go?
How did I become this monster to myself?
How did I end up in this hole they call hopeless?
Why didn't I see myself fall?
What happened to me?
How did I grow to hate myself so much to where I look in the mirror and I can't recognize myself anymore?
Where did I go?
How can I get myself back?
I am hiding under pain I can't let go of.
I am running around in circles around things that seem to trap me.
I don't know what to do.
Everything I do seems wrong.
Anyone I turn to seems to drop me without giving me a reason why.
Sometimes I wish I would die in my sleep just so the world would be better off.
I won't be here to make anyone miserable.
Everyone can go about their lives as if I never existed.
I don't know what happened to me.
Maybe I really am heartless.
Maybe I don't have a soul.
Maybe I am slowly dying and I just don't know it.
Even if I was dying I wouldn't tell anyone I was.
I would suffer in silence like I always do.
Where the **** did I go?
That's a question I don't think God has the answer to.

I used to think the world was a scary place
until I imagined myself not being a part of it
When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was die
I never realized how selfish I was being
until I found something worth living for
I fell in love with writing at age 14
and its been a love affair I wouldn't give up for anything
Through my love for writing I have been able to face demons
and suffer through heartbreaks I never thought I would overcome
Writing is a gift I always feared to share with the world
and I still have no idea why
I regret that now
and I've learned that the only way to let go of regret
is to finally face what has me so scared
I've always wanted to die knowing I made some kind of difference
However I can't make a difference
if I don't do the one thing no one else can do
and that's be me in every way possible
The thing about writing is you can't hide who you really are
The parts of you that you try to hide
always find their way to the surface
and it's those things you try to hide
that make up the most beautiful parts of you
All of the things you think have broken you
have made you stronger
All of the people who have hurt you
have only taught you the meaning of true love
All of the mistakes you made that you can't let go of
they don't hold you back
They make you wiser, tougher and able to make better decisions
I've learned that life is made up of some awful ****
and I have stories that will probably never be put on paper
because they still break me into pieces if I allow them to
Life is also full of so many beautiful things
There is so much to experience
There is so much to see
There is so much to feel
If I had a child and I could give them one piece of advice
it would be to live life to the absolute fullest
and don't worry about falling because if you do fall
you will always have someone there to help you up
The best people walk into your life when you least expect it
Everything has a way of working out
and some of the most beautiful memories are made
through the darkest moments when you thought nothing good
could possibly come out of whatever is currently causing you
to go to bed with tears in your eyes
If I could tell my younger suicidal self one thing
it would be to choose life because you have no idea
when it's going to be taken from you
I used to wish I had the answers to everything
I used to wish I could see into the future because I thought knowing certain things would calm my present anxiety
Trust me when I say it doesn't
If something is meant to be it will be
If not then something better will turn up and surprise you
Until then do one thing for me and live
Take time to appreciate the beautiful colors nature has to offer
Take time to hug those you love the most
Make time to visit places you have always wanted to go to
but you always came up with excuses as to why you could never go
Tell the one you love how you really feel
and don't worry about looking stupid if they don't feel the same way
What matters is that they know and you were brave enough
to tell another soul how much they mean to you
Don't hide from the rain
Don't get angry when time moves too slow because whether you see it or not it goes so fast and you can't take back the moments you spent being angry
Promise me despite your fears you will live
Do that for me
Please
That is all I ask

I went to a party last night
with a man I only knew for five minutes
We didn't exchange names
we wanted to remain mysterious
We conversed with over 500 different strangers
all the while holding hands
We smoked some ****, got so drunk
our adrenaline was running fast
We pulled an all nighter dancing to music
we normally don't care for when we're sober
We were sweaty, hot, exhausted
and deeply attracted to each other
We made out in some random basement
but not once did he force *** on me
Instead we went to a park
and laid in some grass until five thirty in the morning
When the night was over and the sun came up
I vomited all over his lap
Instead of being a ****
he kindly held my hair back
We went to the nearest gas station
where he bought me water and some aspirin
It was then he asked me what my name was
so I told him
He took me home after breakfast at Denny's
I put my number into his phone
He thanked me for the unusual first date
I mentioned we should do it again soon
I laughed as I went into the house
letting him leave for his Mom's to go get our kids
I sat on the couch with a happy sigh
it was fun reliving the first date I had with my husband

I was sitting next to him on his couch
watching a television show known as "Family Guy"
A commercial began to play so I decided
to look at him and stare into his eyes
He was quietly scrolling through his phone
unaware of what I was doing
He looked up and asked me what was wrong
and I had no answer to give him
I was speechless
for a moment it felt like the world stood still
Time was eternity
and I could feel myself tearing up
I watched his fingers touch his beard
as his eyes lit up like fireworks
I watched his lips as they formed little smiles
and my heart began to go crazy
He is so beautiful
I know that's strange to say since he is a guy
but he is
He is like a painting
you never want to stop admiring
He is a song you want to put on repeat
and dance to all night long
He is a story in a book you can't finish
because you never want the story to end
He is a dream you never want to wake up from
He is probably sitting there thinking I am crazy
I would be thinking the same thing
If only he could see himself through my eyes
maybe he would think differently

On Valentines day I have no time to be sad and emotional
I am too busy eating my chocolate
drinking my wine
sitting on my bed with cute heart stickers all over my face
in the most cheesy pajamas I can lay my hands on
staring at Ryan Reynolds **** like there is no tomorrow
as I cuddle the giant *** teddy bear I bought myself
Life is too short to be mourning on a day that love should be celebrated
Be your own Valentine
Spoil yourself
Love yourself
You do not need a man or a woman to do that for you

I felt my heart drop to the floor
as he was walking hand in hand with her
I thought they were fighting again
I thought he had broken up with her
I wanted to cry and run to the bathroom
but I am not in seventh grade anymore
It is time I ****** up my pity
and pick my heart up off of the floor
I take my purse and walk to class
I have more important things to do
I do not want to deal with heartbreak this year
I want to do something new
Maybe I should switch schools
Maybe I should just leave
Maybe I should just deal with it
there are bound to be more days like these
I make it to my first class on time
I see my best friend waving at me
I ask her how her summer went
her smile was great to see
I push back my hair and put on a smile
as if I am an actress on film
I do all that I can to ignore the realization
that I am still in love with him

Dear Lord,

I am scared to live my life
out of fear of getting hurt
For most of my life I have been abused
disappointed and treated like dirt
I know you are the key to happiness
yet I always run away
I make promises to do better
but tend to do the opposite everyday
Control is always a problem for me
it is something that I desperately crave
I find it hard to be myself sometimes
when I know that is the one thing that makes me brave
I am seriously lost, Lord
I feel like throwing in the towel
I have dreams I want to make come true
I just don't know how
Lord, take away my fear
replace my fear with faith
Please give me peace of mind
fill me with love and burn my self hate
Give me strength when I feel weak
send angels to comfort me when I am lonely
Help me ignore the devil's negativity
surround me with anything that is holy
Take away my doubts
replace my depression with energy
Surround me with positive hearts
who will be constant reminders that you are with me
Help me to be strong
help me to not be so angry
Help me to never forget
that through you I can do anything

This is true. I don't trust people. I have been lied to and betrayed so much that I exhaust myself into being one step ahead of everybody just to keep myself from getting hurt. Every conversation, every action gets analyzed like an insect in a **** lab when it comes to being around people. With a person as sensitive as me, it is very easy to fall for someone's lies. It's like a crime scene, my wounded heart is the ****** crime scene and anyone who even dares to love me or show me any kind of positive attention is a suspect until proven innocent. Sometimes proving to myself that not everyone is the devil in disguise takes a very long time and I promise you it is exhausting in every way possible.

The way you look when you first wake up
is a look I wait to see all night
The way you kiss me when you say "hello"
just gives me an instant high
The way you be yourself
gives me confidence to be myself too
The way you stare at me excites me
and makes me want to be that much closer to you
The way you concentrate on your passions
just takes my breath away
The way you spoil me
makes me feel loved each and every day
Every night when you tell me I'm yours
I cry because of how well you treat me
You treat me like a Princess
yet cherish me like a Queen.

I am terrified of love
The thought of a man loving me unconditionally terrifies me
I would rather be alone and miserable than face my fear
I am such a ******* coward

(The things you write about when you are under the influence)

As soon as you see someone smiling
you have to turn their smile into a frown
If someone is getting recognition at a party
you have to steal their spotlight and bring them down
If two people are getting along romantically
you look for ways to tear them apart
If nothing goes your way
you use people as weapons as you stomp on everyone's hearts
You make threats that could land you in jail
only to turn the tables to make yourself look like the victim
You bring your children into your nonsense
not giving a thought on how much your negativity will affect them
You put on a constant show
while causing chaos behind the scenes
You are a drama addict
you need help desperately

So many insecurities
so much worrying I do
so much freaking out that takes place
and it’s because of the **** you put me through
you cheated and you lied
you made me feel cheap
all you wanted me for was ***
OH MY GOD! Your such a creep
You know what I don’t need you anymore
I got other things to do
I got family and friends who love me for me
I don’t have time to deal with you
you can **** your ***** and do your drugs
your the one who can be misreable
I got things to look forward to
I won’t let you make me feel horrible
Say all the **** you want to say
all the things you say are far from true
your so stupid and pathetic
Why would I want to be with you?
You can take your lies and sob stories
and tell them to someone who cares
I don’t need you to catch my tears
I don’t need you to be here
So you broke my heart
you took what we had and tossed it away
I can’t believe I wanted to marry you
but you know what that’s okay
I was young and I was blind
I made a mistake
I’m glad I’m not marrying you
because your such a ******* fake
After all the **** you put me through
I still wish you the best
I hope all your dreams come true
don’t ever settle for less
I hope your future is amazing
I hope you get everything you want
just don’t forget you never know what good thing you got in front of you
until it’s gone

When I first met you
you took my breath away
When you first said my name
my walls all broke away
When you first smiled at me
my heart just went insane
When you first grabbed my hand
my life was never the same
We are colors crashing in the sky
We are stars colliding in the night
We are storms dancing to the sound of our souls
We are lovers dying to love

So kiss me as long as you want to
Don't worry about stopping I don't want you to
Just take me as I am flaws and all
We are colors crashing in the sky

When you first told me I was you rock
I said you are are mine too
When we had our first fight
you yelled I can't live without you
And we danced and we danced and we danced
until neither one of us was angry
With my head on your shoulder I heard you whisper
you are my soul mate
And I said

Kiss me as long as you want to
Don't worry about stopping I don't want you to
Let me take you as you are scars and all
We are colors crashing in the sky

And we danced and we danced and we danced
until the world around us disappeared
And we laughed and we laughed and we laughed
until happiness was all we could hear
The kaleidoscope of our colors
getting stronger and stronger and stronger
And we entered a world where neither of us
could ever lose each other

And we kissed as long as we wanted to
Stopping was never an option
because we never wanted to
And we took each other as we are
scars, flaws and all
We are colors crashing in the sky
We are stars colliding in the night
We are storms dancing to the sound of our souls
We are lovers dying to love
As the kaleidoscope of our colors
gets stronger and stronger and stronger

You are yelling my name
I can hear sirens singing in unison
I try to open my eyes but it hurts too much to try
I am tired
but your voice keeps pulling me away from sleep
I try to move my hands
They feel like they are on fire
Shards of glass are stuck to my fingers
I am cold
I can feel the concrete on my back
I feel hands touching me
I am poked, prodded and given an oxygen mask
My head is throbbing
I try to remember how I got here
but I can't
I finally find the strength to open my eyes
I see my car smashed
A semi truck hit me throwing me from my car
I didn't even see it
I was not prepared to spend my evening lying on the highway
in the dark
I feel myself going in and out of consciousness
I feel your hand squeezing mine begging me to hold on
I want to
God do I want to but it hurts
I see angels
Beautiful angels reaching out their arms
asking me to go with them
I want to but I don't want to leave you
If I go with the angels
all of my pain will go away
If I stay
I will be in agony
I shake my head no to the angels
I can't leave you
The angels disappear
I feel myself being lifted and taken to the ambulance
As paramedics reassure me I will be okay
I grasp your hand as hard as I can
Your hand in mine
is the only thing that doesn't hurt

She looks in the mirror
with the knife at her throat
she’s so upset right now
she wants to let it all go
she cries out in anger
she’s so disgusted with life
that’s why she’s made her choice
she’s going to **** herself tonight
she sits on the floor
puts the blade to her wrist
she cries out in fear
she has to do this
the emotional turmoil she holds is too much
so she’s releasing it all
with one painful touch
she makes the cut
she starts to bleed
she stares in shock
as the blade falls next to her knees
it feels so good
it doesn’t hurt at all
she feels so lightheaded
all she wants to do is fall
she must have hit a vein
there’s so much blood
she’s starting to feel lifeless
she can’t even talk
she lays there on the floor
just counting the seconds
“5 more minutes” she whispers
as she waits to go to heaven
An hour later she’s dead on the floor
this poor innocent girl
she isn’t suffering anymore
all that’s left is the journals
in which she used to write
they explain her thoughts and feelings
that led up to that night.

When I tell you that I am exhausted
I am not over exaggerating
I really am exhausted
I work, run errands, spend time with my family
but that isn't what exhausts me
I live with a disorder that has no respect for me whatsoever
When it creeps up on me
it is unexpected
It wraps it's arms around my neck so tightly that I can't even breathe
When it happens no one knows it is happening except for me
Sometimes the invisible strangulation goes on for hours
Try being in the middle of work when that happens
Try typing on the computer
Try serving drinks
Try cleaning a room with someone's arms wrapped around your neck
not letting you breathe and with every attempt to ignore it
the strangulation gets tighter
What is scary is that it's mental and emotional
I can't do anything about this physically
so I fight the feeling with my mind which is needed for other things
I can't do because the strangulation has my minds full attention
When it finally ends I am left wanting to fall to my knees
and cough until I can catch my breath
If you have ever thought you were drowning
and you struggled to keep you head above actual water
think of the terror you felt
think of the tiredness you felt when you were out of the water
Times that feeling by 100 and that is what if feels like to live with depression

I am sitting in school bored out of my mind
I am looking for something to do just to pass the time
I could really use a cigarette
I really need a buzz
right now I don't care what anyone has to say
I don't care what anyone does
I am really, really tired
I am falling asleep in my chair
I could pass out on the floor
and I wouldn't even care
I do not want to do work
I do not want to do anything
I want the burn on my hand to hurry up and heal
I do not like being in pain
I hope it rains today
it has not rained in weeks
I do not mind getting wet
and jumping in puddles with my bare feet
I want someone to talk to to help me pass the time
I wish my boyfriend was here
he keeps me from being bored out of my mind

She is such an amazing artist
She is raw
She is creative
She is real
She is honest
She is funny
She is brave
If there is any positive way to describe a person
that is what Taylor Swift is
She is a legend
that will be loved by generations for many years to come
She is incredible
She is an angel on earth
Her music is life changing
I feel sorry for anyone who cannot find beauty in her music
They are missing out on the most spectacular magic
a human being can discover here on earth
Taylor Swift is love
Pure, beautiful love

Before you close your eyes and go to sleep I just thought I would take the time to remind you that you are important, you mean the world to somebody and if someone forgot to tell you how much you were loved today then please allow me the honor of saying this: I love you, I think you're great and I am so glad that you exist.

Sleep with me
I don't mean in a ****** way
Lay beside me, spoon me, wrap your arms around me
Hold me so tight that we won't need to use a blanket
because our bodies heat is enough

Eat dinner with me
I don't mean fast food
Sit at a table with me, share an appetizer with me
Order a meal that cost more than my pair of shoes as we drink wine
while pretending there is no possibility of the night ending

Have a conversation with me
I don't mean gossiping about others
Sit in front of me, look me straight in the eyes
Tell me everything your heart desires
so I can listen to your words with passion

Kiss me
I don't mean with tongue
Take my face into your hands
Kiss me so gently that I can feel every goose bump that forms on my body
Kiss me so slow I become so weak in the knees
you will have to catch me and carry me in your arms

Stand in the rain with me
I don't mean allowing yourself to get soaked
Stand in the rain with your arms spread wide
Tilt your head back and feel the chill soak into your veins
giving you a rush as if your life has just been transformed

Go star gazing with me
I don't mean lie on the ground and look up at the sky
Look at every star
See how even in the dark the most beautiful things are found
Let the stars take your breath away
Let your mind wander about all of the things your heart is afraid to open up to
Just think that every choice you made
every step you took
every obstacle you faced brought you to this very moment with me

Dance with me
I don't mean grind on me
Take my right hand into your left
Hold me and spin me around like Cinderella
until I can no longer feel the ground beneath my feet

Love me
I don't mean buy me gifts
Cherish me, appreciate me, make love to me on the living room floor
Do things with me like cooking pasta at 3 am
Ask me about my day
Treat me as your equal
Spoil me by allowing me to spoil you
Don't take me for granted
Continue to treat me just the way you did before you had me
Fall in love with me everyday
just like I fall in love with you

Blue eyes look at me
Let me get lost in those ocean colored eyes
that shine like stars in the sky
Let them light up when you smile
Let them reveal the passion that hides behind them
Allow your blue eyes to see the good in a world that can be so evil
Allow your baby blues to dance when you laugh
Let them glisten with hope when you cry
Let me stare into them for eternity
I just can't get enough of your beautiful blue eyes

You have no idea
how much joy you bring into my life
Every time I am around you
I feel more and more alive
You make me giggle with a simple stare
your blue eyes are just gorgeous
When I hear your voice my heart does jumping jacks
and all I want to do is kiss your lips
You have a positive affect on me
you make me want to be a better person
You listen to me when I speak
you are there to comfort me when I am hurting
You make me feel so comfortable in my skin
I feel so pretty when you're around
You have a way of making the world shine beautifully
when my depression has me down
You're the sun that radiates through me
You're the waves in the ocean
You're my endless adventure
that makes me want to be closer to you
You set me free in a way no man has ever done before
You're the sparkle in my eyes
You're the inspiration behind this poem

You're the first person to ever calm the chaos
that corrupts my mind daily
Your touch clears away my anxiety
Your laughter eases my depression
Your smile eases my racing thoughts
Your presence alone scares away all of my demons

Touch me
Don't say a single word
just touch me and I will prove to you
that you are made of stars
You were created by God
who happens to be the most amazing artist
because he made you
From the lines on your face to your pounding heart
he made you and I get the absolute pleasure
of looking at you anytime I want to
You are made of more than stars
You are made of wonder
and magic
and of love
A love so pure and incredible
I have to pinch myself to make sure
that I'm not dreaming
You are made up of magic
You hold inside of you the key to my heart
You were made for me
and I was made for you
Whenever we kiss I am more convinced
we were meant for each other
Just when the world had me convinced
you didn't exist you showed up
and proved them wrong
You proved me wrong
I thought the one for me was lost
but you found me at just the right time
You are the other half of me I have been searching for
So touch me
Put your hand to mine and I'll prove to you
that you are made of more than stars

The combination of depression and anxiety
is a battle that is constantly going on
There is no break from it
they follow me wherever I go
Every day is a struggle
I don't complain because complaining doesn't do ****
I don't talk about it because people don't understand it
I live in isolation because anxiety makes it hard for me to have friends
People don't understand how I can go out one day
but the next day I can't
Some people think it is an excuse to be lazy
When you fight depression and anxiety twenty four hours a day
along with work,
family life,
meeting the responsibilities a twenty three year old like myself has to do,
a love life if your lucky,
school if you go to school
Sometimes the stresses of all of these things put together
exhausts me to the point I have to miss out on important things
to catch up on sleep so I have energy to deal with my disorders

I had to miss work last night
because insomnia kept me up for thirty six hours
My sister took my shift
and I could see in my families eyes they didn't understand
why I was so tired
I went to sleep crying because I felt like a freak
Depression caught me at my most vulnerable
but I was way too tired to fight the strangulation
so I let it strangle me to sleep reminding me why people **** themselves
I am sorry for being so complicated,
I am sorry for being a freak,
I am sorry if I seem rude or lazy
I am not any of those things
I am just really
really
really
exhausted

My anxiety was never really a problem
until I turned 20 years old
I went from being depressed to terrified all the time
like a lost puppy left out in the cold
I found myself sleeping less
and if I did sleep I had nothing but nightmares
during the day I'd have racing thoughts
but I didn't tell anyone about them because nobody cares
Sometimes my anxiety is so high
that I lose control of my thoughts
I lay in my bed and try to breathe
while fighting the urge to throw up
Some days are better than others
some days my anxiety isn't so bad
then there are days where I freak out so much
I start to cry then get very sad
It feels like an elephant is constantly sitting on my chest
not allowing me to breathe
the room gets hot and I feel so sick
that I start praying "God help me please!"
Sometimes music helps when I'm having an anxiety attack
so does taking a walk
my anxiety eases up the most when I gain courage to talk about it
I'm not really sure why anxiety has chosen now
to cause so many problems for me
I'm at the most fragile part of my life
to think it will pass is hard to believe
I have no option but to breathe
let the attacks pass and try to worry less
anxiety is a battle that's harder to fight than depression
but I think so far I'm doing my best.

If you don’t follow your passion then your never going to be happy. What if’s will eat away at you, your going to be bitter because your mad at yourself for not going after what you want. Everyone gives into their passion sooner or later. Passion is like a wave in the ocean that keeps pulling you under and you don’t find peace until you give in. Only passion won’t **** you. It will make you happier. Whatever your passion is: music, doctor, director, stylist, police officer, wrestler, dancer, traveler, writer, chef, teacher, surfer, store owner, whatever it is your passionate about, go after it. Don’t be scared of the challenges you will have to face along the way. Everything will fall into place eventually.

When the guy your in love with doesn't love you
it's almost impossible to breathe
a part of you just falls apart
your no longer in one piece
To see him talk to a beautiful girl
just stings in one place
then he asks you what you think of her
and you have to lie to his face
"She's incredible, she's amazing
you should totally ask her out"
when really you want to kiss his lips
and tell him you love him out loud
but you stop yourself and you smile
and support him instead
Yet inside your hurting
and you got so many thoughts racing through your head
Everynight before you go to sleep
you ask God to help you feel better
but something inside tells you to hang on
as you put your feelings toward letters
their addressed to him of course
but he doesn't know that
you keep them in a box hidden
and you don't look back
Broken hearts are supposed to heal
but this time it's different
your heart isn't healing
it's remaining broken
so you cry until sleep falls over you
and you dream hopeless dreams
"maybe things will change" you think
however impossible that may seem.

They were total opposites
In fact they didn't even belong together
They were so incompatible
Even their friends thought their relationship was strange
He was a high school graduate with a good paying job
She was a high school drop out
working at the mall during the day
For fun she wrote poetry at night
while he enjoyed listening to eighties music as he worked on cars
He was a huge *** smoker
whereas she was the type to read books as a way to relax
He had a minor criminal record
and she couldn't take a risk to save her life
They fought over stupid things
Things that didn't even make sense half of the time
He was the kind of guy to crack jokes when she was mad
She was the type to get angry because he never took anything seriously
He wanted to stay in his hometown
She wanted to travel the world
He hated the cold
She adored it
He hated Christmas and didn't believe in Jesus
Christmas to her was heaven on earth and she was a christian
He sometimes wondered why he was with her and vice versa
When he thought of breaking up with her
he knew he would miss her
He never thought of himself as attractive
in fact he saw himself as a loser
But in her eyes he was perfect
She couldn't get enough of him
She never had high self esteem
in her eyes she was the low life *******
She felt intimidated by his success
she couldn't help but wonder why he liked her
People close to them have said before
they would never last as a couple
They were too different, too abnormal
they were better off with other people
What he didn't know was that his smile
gave her butterflies you wouldn't believe
What she didn't realize was that her body
made him weak in the knees
Despite her obsession with always trying to be good enough
he was crazy about her mind
She was smart in a way he couldn't put into words
Her laughter drove him wild
She hated how whenever she tried to express herself
he would make a joke about what she was saying
She sometimes felt offended
and stupid for not being more interesting
The way he made her feel comfortable in her skin though
it was like fireworks on the fourth of July
She was never afraid to get naked in front of him
she was beautiful in his eyes
When worse came to worse they were there for each other
If anyone made her cry
he would beat the **** out whoever caused her tears
Even though he was an idiot sometimes if anyone called him that word
she was on their *** faster than they could blink
Despite the fear of vulnerability
he worked hard to open up as much as he could
Even though the pressure to be perfect was like a drug
she did her best to just be herself
He enjoyed reading her poetry
especially the ones she wrote about him
She enjoyed hearing his jokes
even if she couldn't understand them
At the end of the day they loved each other
they accepted each others flaws
They both got what they always wanted
to be able love another human being so deeply
and to be loved in return

I thought about overdosing on some pills today
it's been awhile since I've wanted to do something like that
I feel so guilty for allowing myself to go to such a dark place
but lately it's all I think about
I'm just so sad all of the time
I struggle everyday to keep myself afloat
and I don't think anyone understands how lonely
and terrifying that is
I feel like such a hypocrite for pretending to be happy
when in actuality I am miserable
I just don't see the point of anything anymore
and I don't understand why
I am so young
I am so talented in ways I never give myself credit for
I have family and friends who love me
I have been lucky to grow close to a man
who would take a bullet for me without hesitation
and still it's not enough
Something is missing and I can't figure out what it is
I don't want to die
but I don't want to be sad either
It seems so impossible yet it's true
I am caught between wanting to live so badly it hurts
and wanting to die
I can't understand it
I don't know how I got here
I don't know how to fix the way that I feel
What I do know is doing this by myself is not the best choice anymore
I can't do this on my own
and I don't want to

I think about a lot of things
but you're the greatest thought in my head
I think about you when I am in school
I think about you while falling asleep in my bed
The thoughts I have are not bad
they actually make me smile
They sometimes make me laugh
which is good every once in awhile
I think about you taking off your shirt when it's 93 degrees outside
I don't think about the problems I have because you're the best thing in my life
I think about how your eyes look when you look straight at me
I think about how your heart beats when I hold you close against me
I think about the time when we played hide and seek in the park
I think about our first kiss and the feeling I got in my heart
I think about me falling asleep in your arms and how you hold me tight
I don't think about bad days because with you everything is alright
I think about how much I love you and how it feels good to know that you love me too
My heart never fails to beat fast whenever I think of you

Driving through the desert
not sure where I want to go
all I know is I’m really upset
and I don’t want to go home
I’ve had a really bad week
so much stuff went down
I would perfer to handle my stress alone
so no one will see me frown
Music isn’t helping now
this drive is all I’ve got
the air isn’t on, the windows are up
yet i don’t care if it’s really hot
I’m happiest when I’m driving
maybe it’s the beautiful scenery
maybe at my unknown destination
the fact that nobody knows me is pretty exciting
I’m not worried about anyone hurting me
I’m almost into Vegas
I should stop for a break
but if I do I’ll start crying
and that’s something I can’t take right now
so I’ll keep on driving
I’m not sure where to go
all I know is I’m feeling  a little bit better
but I still don’t want to go home

Hello October!
I have missed you so
I have been counting down the days until I see you
and all that you have to show
Fall has been here for a week
We have already begun our holiday traditions
I am looking forward to seeing November too
you have no idea how much I have missed him
How have you been?
You look beautiful as ever
The crew will be complete
once we are in the arms of our dear friend cooler weather
Our other friends are on their way to town
to throw the best parties of the year
I am ecstatic to see Jack Skellington
things are always better when he is near
I am so excited to have you here for the next thirty days
I am ready to be gory
and insane in so many ways
It feels so good to hug you
you are just as I remember
I am so glad to have my best friend back
Welcome home October!

It makes me so sad when people do not have the courage to dream big. I get that life is not a fairy tale. Life is nothing like the television shows you watch and I understand that life is full of ups, downs, disappointments, heartache, etc. but you have to have something to believe in. You need to find the courage to dream. I cannot stand it when people ask me about my life and the goals I want to reach and when I give them my answer all they can do is wince and tell me to focus on something else. For example: I want to get out of the town I am currently living in. I do not like where I'm at. I would love to be in a bigger city in another state with cooler weather and when I tell someone that, their response is "Well you need to just make the most of where your at. No matter where you go life's challenges are everywhere." What is wrong with me wanting to live in New York, L.A., Seattle hell even London? Do you not think I can live there? I know it cost money to live in places like that but I believe I can have the life I want with hard work, dedication, faith and confidence that I can do it. I understand that things take time and I am not expecting my life to change over night. I may be a dreamer but I also know to pay attention to reality too. I do not appreciate people putting limits on my dreams. I have every right to be bitter and choose not to believe in anything but I will not live like that. I cannot live my life in doubt. I cannot live my life thinking that life is always going to be ****** because my circumstances right now might not be so great. I do not have time to be sad, angry and crushed. I will not be ashamed for dreaming big. I will not put limitations on my dreams. I think I am capable of doing a lot in the world and what I want will not come easy but I have been through hell and back before. Guess what? I am still standing and I think having something to believe in played a huge part when it came to battling past, present and whatever future demons might come knocking on my door. Do not put limitations on my dreams just because you put limitations on yours.

I sat next to your hospital bed
gently holding your hand
I was trying my best to stay strong
but it was hard because I didn't understand
You were dying in front of my eyes
there was nothing I could do
but I sat with you everyday
because I didn't want to be away from you
When the doctor said they did all that they could
I got frustrated with their words
they told me you would soon be gone
you will never know how much that hurt
to be told your losing the one you love
and you have no sense of control
it leaves you helpless and speechless
and in your heart it forms a hole
When you started throwing up your food
I knew what was coming next
your body was going to shut down more
all you could do was rest
I stayed up for nights praying
that a miracle would come
but I don't think God heard me
he still took you away from everyone.

The day you died was horrible
I wanted to fall apart
but I couldn't let you see me cry
so instead I kept strong
it took all I could to laugh with you
whenever you told a joke
it took every part of me to smile
whenever you spoke
on the night you night
you quietly whispered my name
you put your hand on my cheek
and for a minute it felt like nothing changed
you looked at me with those beautiful eyes
and you told me the words "I love you"
that's when it hit me
your life was finally through.

I kissed your lips for the last time
I laid beside you as you closed your eyes
I kept listening to your heartbeat
until God took away your life
when the beeping on the monitor went blank
I sat up and looked at the screen
I saw the flat line flashing
and right then I released everything
I think about that moment a lot
that memory never leaves my brain
I think about it so much
that it keeps me from doing anything
everyday is a struggle
it's a struggle because your not here
I'm used to doing everything with you
your voice was all that I used to hear
everything changed with one diagnosis
we didn't have time to prepare
so many dreams we had were shattered
but at the time we didn't care
So many things happened
during the last days of your life
your death taught me appreciation
it taught me to realize
that life here on earth is short
you never know when your time is up
you taught me to keep on fighting
and to never worry about the small stuff
I miss you more everyday
some days are hard, some days are easy
but I remind myself everyday
that you are always here with me
I will never forget our life together
you are someone I will always treasure
thank you for keeping your promise
to always love me forever and ever.

They call me ugly
They call me fat
They call me pathetic
They call me a ***
They call me depressing
They call me a cutter
They call me useless
They call me a *******
They call me anti-social
They call me dumb
They call me weird
They call me numb
They call me stupid
They call me a ****
They call me a poser
They call me a nut
They call me a fake
They call me thick
They call me a follower
They call me a *****
They call me all of these names
Yet they don't even know me
but every name they call me
pushes me further to success.

She was always a rose kind of girl
She adored roses
It didn't matter what color they were
A rose was a flower that always took her breath away
yet whenever she dreamed of a field of flowers
she always dreamt of sunflowers
Her dream was always the same
Her hair long and black with a crown of red roses
She wore a long white dress that danced in perfect harmony
Her nails were red as blood as well as the lipstick on her lips
She smelled of Japanese blossom and passion
She was barefoot which was strange because she hates having her feet uncovered
In a field of sunflowers she twirled in non stop circles
With the sun on her skin she could never get enough of the beauty that surrounded her as she spun to the music only she could hear in her heart
As the sun set she would lie down and put her arms on her chest
It was in that field of sunflowers
she felt her very best

Insecurities keep your voice from being heard

Only you have the power to make me feel so insecure
every time I ask you how you feel about me
your answer is "I'm not sure"
Sometimes I question why I'm even in a relationship for
I'm at the point of saying "**** it. I don't give a **** anymore."
If I were to walk away
you wouldn't even see me leave
you wouldn't blink, you wouldn't worry or chase after me
I'd just be another toy you would add to your book of fantasies
You only wanted one thing
you got it
now you have no more use for me.

Suicide
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfish  
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
and I FIGHT
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no