Lovely Lady Gaga,
You are so inspiring
and I am so glad that Jesus brought you to this earth
to be an inspiration to so many women around the world.
You are sensational.
Your music and your presence
illuminates love, power, acceptance and courage.
You are the greatest treasure.
Anyone who has the pleasure of meeting you in person
is blessed because their lives with never be the same again.
You are one in a million.
Thank you for being an example of strength and true beauty.
God bless you.
You deserve all of the happiness in the world.

I wish you would stop telling me how to live my life
when your life is far from perfect
every time you open your mouth I cringe
because I’ve had enough of it
You tell me I’m broken
that no one will ever want me
you tell me I’m ugly
that I should get plastic surgery
you laugh at my tears
then complain when I don’t show emotion
you tell me how I’m a horrible mistake
yet you show me strong devotion
You encourage me to be myself
then give me a list of things to change
you nag me about talking too much
then get mad when I don’t say anything
Your so confusing at times
it drives me crazy how you act
you treated me like ****
then wonder why I don’t want you back
You say you love me like crazy
yet you hit me first chance you get
you kiss me, you hold me
then call me your biggest regret
I’m tired of you putting me down
what did I do to deserve this?
I changed myself for you
and now I’m one big mess
You don’t really care about me
if you did you wouldn’t treat me this way
I’m done being your punching bag
I’m done being your favorite game to play

You tell me that my hair is too dark
perhaps I should lighten it up
You tell me you don't like how I act
I'm sorry I really don't give a ****
You tell me my band shirts are disgusting
I should try to wear more pink
You say I will never get anywhere in life
I really don't care what you think
You tell me my friends are immature
I should get friends my own age
You say I walk funny, you say I laugh too loud
who really cares anyways
You tell me that I am stupid
you say my life is a waste
If you don't like who I am or how I act
then get the hell out of my face
You can say whatever you want
I think I am just fine
I don't want to be friends with somebody
who is negative and constantly whines
You may say that I am ugly
I think I am beautiful the way I am
Keep talking the way you are
because once again I do not give a ****

It's four in the morning
yet here I am wide awake
thinking of all the reasons why I
am a *******.
Out of all the bad habits that need to be broken
this one I can never seem to shake.
What the **** is wrong with me?

Do not make me write a poem about you

I need to go away from here
I'm starting to go insane
I need to go far away
so I can release this pain
I don't want to worry about tomorrow
I don't want to talk to anyone
I want to hear nothing whatsoever
I just want this day to be done
Why does my head hurt so much?
The pills I take are not working
Why can't I stop panicking?
I feel like my brain is bleeding
The noises I hear are getting louder
I need to go for a walk
I need everybody to leave me alone
I don't want anyone to talk
I take more pills that I don't want to take
but my head hurts some more
I leave my house and I want to puke
I don't want to hurt anymore
My hands are sore I sit down and I start to cry
if this headache does not go away soon
I'm gonna have to say goodbye

Every time I go onto my page on Hello Poetry I get nothing but love and encouragement. Sometimes the kind things people say to me on there are enough to make me cry because it is nothing but love on there. I give love. I receive love. I have gotten to know a lot of people on that site through words. Me and all of the people that I talk to have a love for words. We just let our hearts free without any fear of judgement because everyone understands you. Most of us writers can only reveal ourselves through words. We share our demons, our secrets and our pain to total strangers and instead of being torn down, we are being encouraged to rise up. That is such a beautiful, powerful thing. Whenever I share a poem, it doesn't have to make sense, it can be just a bundle of confused words full of emotions I can't get out and there is always someone who reads it and says "Mandie, I hear you. You are going to be okay and you may not think people get you but we do. We got your back." I am never afraid to let myself get personal on my page because I know that whether people agree with me or not, I won't get any hate for how I feel. It's so nice to be able to do what I love and be loved for who I truly am on the inside. To be around other writers who see the world the way I do, who have the same goal and they have a huge love for people who are different, it's just wonderful. I don't know how long I have been searching for a place to just be without anxiety or fear of being bashed. I have finally found my safe place and I am so grateful. There are no words to describe my love for Hello Poetry and the people who have chosen to come into my life and just love me. It's not about the number of followers or the number of poems that have trended, it's more than that. It's an appreciation for a part of myself no one wants to get the chance to know. It just feels so good to be accepted by amazing people and know that I have a safe place to go to when things get too intense and crazy for me to handle.

Let's go to England

We can take a 6 am flight and be there by 3 pm

We can see the Tower Of London and share a kiss underneath The London Eye

We can spend two weeks in Bristol crossing bridges, floating in giant balloons, riding boats and bikes and visiting Bansky's art

We can visit Shakespeare's hometown and walk the streets that once fell in love with the feet of the most romantic writer of all time

We can drink coffee and smoke cigarettes at New Forest Park and go swimming at Towans Beach

We can make our own wine in Gloucestershire and have a picnic in Cambridge

We can dance near Princess Street and go clubbing in London

We can shop at the Stratford Centre and drink tea in Oxford

We can stand in the rain in Surrey and go to concerts in Bedford

We can start over and make all of our dreams come true

Let's go to England

I need you
I need you to not get angry with me
when I am feeling an emotion you don't understand
I need you to be patient with me
I have no clue what is going on with me
I have no idea why I get so upset for no reason
I need you to not judge me
When I gain the courage to tell you something is bothering me
don't tell me to get over it because I can't
I need you to not yell at me when I am not making sense
yelling at me only scares me and makes me think that I am bothering you therefore I shut down
I need you to hug me
I know all of the advice tips already
sometimes I just need to feel okay instead of being told that I am okay
I need you to listen to me
I don't want to hear about mistakes I am making when I feel like one every **** day
I need you to encourage me
This battle is so lonely
it's scary
it's uncomfortable and I need someone to cheer me on
I need someone to tell me that I am doing alright
I need you to not shut me out
when my anxiety is too intense and I don't have the energy
to express how I truly feel I need you to not walk away
and treat me like I am some disgusting human being you wish you had never met
I need you to reassure me that you are there for me
even though you have no idea how to make me feel better
I need you to not give up on me
I know I am difficult and I am nothing like you wished I would be
but the truth of the matter is I have depression and anxiety
I didn't choose this
Why would I choose this?
I didn't choose the life of racing thoughts,
marks on my skin,
obsessions about things that shouldn't even be an obsessions,
always questioning people's words and actions,
not being able to leave the house without feeling like I want to throw up,
sleepless nights because of **** that happened years ago
I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!
I DO NOT WANT THIS BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!
I AM TRYING TO BE NORMAL!
I AM TRYING MY BEST TO BE BETTER BUT I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF!
I NEED YOU!
Please...I need you...

When I first met you
I thought you were fantastic
I found you so interesting
When your wife took your son and left you
my heart broke for you
I thought "How could someone do that to another person?
just get up and leave without thinking of the damage they left behind?"
I watched you get your heart broken by my best friend
and each time she broke up with you I got angry
I thought "What an idiot she is to let go of someone so special."
You are like a book that everyone judges by it's cover
Inside you are chapters full of stories so beautiful
I could read them over and over again
It makes me so mad when people take you and just glimpse at you
only to toss you to the side without getting a chance to know you
If only they could see how wonderful you are
If only they took the time to read you
they would say "Gosh, he is amazing!"
For five years I have read you
hoping one day I can become a part of your story
I wouldn't change anything about you because you're perfect
I know I am just a friend to you
If a friend is what you want then I am okay with that
as long as I get to read your story over and over
because I promise I mean it when I say you are fantastic
and I live to make sure people take time to hear your story

The blade calls her name from the box
she’s being tempted again
she knows she doesn’t need to do this
but the thought won’t leave her head
She’s been really stressed these past few days
she has every reason to do it
but her actions just leave scars
she’s knows this because she’s been through it
She walks away from temptation
but the blade still calls to her
all she has ton do is use it once
and the stress will leak out of her
but once turns into twice
and twice turns into three
next thing you know she’s wearing long sleeves
hiding a secret from everybody
She decides enough is enough
and walks toward the blade
she picks it up, swears to it then tosses the thing away
she leans agaisnt her wall numb
unsure of what to say
she confronted her addiction
now the cutting stops today

I know it is too early to talk about Christmas but I already have my list made and this is what I want. I know my list is not exactly rational to some but as an honest person I feel that my list should be honest so when I go to the mall with my nieces this year I will be sure to give Santa this list. Yes as an Aunt I am required to believe in Santa. Maybe I do believe in him. Maybe I never stopped believing. Anyways, here is my Christmas List for 2015:

1.) Spend Christmas in the Children's Hospital with children who can't go home for Christmas because they are too sick. It breaks my heart to think of a child alone on Christmas. I know that families can go to the hospital and spend Christmas with their loved ones but depending on the child's illness, sometimes the families can't. I have a family but I'm not married, I don't have kids of my own so I have all of this free time and love and I would rather spend time with a child who is alone on Christmas just doing whatever they wanted to do than sit at home doing my holiday traditions that I will admit I take for granted a lot. I think it's important to give back and I would love to give a child confined to a hospital the Christmas they deserve, make them smile and help them to forget their pain for a day.

2.) Go to England. I know some may think I'm crazy but I firmly believe something is waiting for me. It's like a pull whenever I see a photo of England. I just have to go there to see what it is. I will admit I'm scared to go because whatever it is waiting for me will change my life and it could be anything. A challenge, a conversation with a stranger, a love affair, an opportunity, inspiration, the list of possibilities is endless.

3.) Meet Derek Sanders from Mayday Parade in person. Hug him and thank him as well as the rest of the band for saving my life. I don't care about a picture or autograph I just feel it is my duty to let them know how many lives they change with their music. I know many fans have already told them that but I haven't, YET, and I want to very badly.

4.) Snow. I miss it. I miss it like a person misses a loved one who is dead. I miss the feel of it. I miss the smell of it. Yes snow has a smell. I miss the beauty of it and how whenever I am surrounded by it I feel like I am in heaven. I miss catching snowflakes in my hand and thinking about all of the miracles and magic we miss seeing because we are so busy rushing our lives to things we don't really want. I miss lying in the snow and feeling like nothing on this earth can hurt me. No matter what I was going through, good or bad, snow had a way of making me feel alive again. I miss that. I need to feel that way again.

So that is my Christmas List for 2015.

No I'm not gay
I'm just waiting for "the one"
I refuse to put my heart through agony
such as heartbreak itself
I'm not into one night stands
blind dates and all that
I believe in love at first sight
The kind of love where you meet someone  in the most unusual places such as the grocery store
The love where you look at someone and you just know you are going to spend the rest of your life with that person
I've had my share of boyfriends
neither of them were the one
they say to find Mr. right your heart has to go through multiple heartbreaks sometimes
I think I've had enough heartbreaks to scar a heart permanently
For now I'm staying single
spending my days getting to know myself better as a person sounds more entertaining than a date with my favorite celebrity
I'm saving my heart and love for someone special
not sure who that person is yet but I will find him
Eventually
I just have to wait
I'm sure he is looking for me too
When our paths cross, however that may be, I will know if he is the one
They say with love you just know
when I meet him I'll know
and I'll be so glad I waited for him all this time.

My baby brother Thomas turns thirteen today
it makes me feel so old
I can't believe he's a teenager
he's so young yet so bold
It seems like just yesterday he was born
he was small and chunky too
I swear last week he was learning to walk
while chewing on his Winnie The Pooh
Everyday I see him growing
it sometimes makes me cry
It's cool to see him grow his wings
so he can eventually fly
He runs and he laughs so fearlessly
he scares me sometimes
but when he comes home with a smile on his face
that's how I know he's alright
I learn a lot from my baby brother
I don't think he knows that
I know one thing if I'm in any trouble
my baby brother always has my back
He teaches me to be carefree
to not let others define who I am
he's one of the reasons why I'm still here
and when it comes to drama he does not give a ****
I'm happy Thomas is my brother
he is definitely my baby boy
Even when he annoys me to death
he is still my pride and joy
I am glad I've had him for thirteen years
it's been a fun journey so far
I can't wait for what's coming in the next thirteen years
maybe he will be the world's next superstar
All in all I love him so much
and there is only one thing I can say
that is you are really special Thomas
I love you baby brother
Happy Birthday

I gave you all that I could
I have nothing left to give you
I was faithful during our whole relationship
and you betrayed us by cheating on me
You promised me that you wouldn't hurt me
that rainy day in New York
Yet you did now I am more ****** up
than I ever was before
You said that you were different
but you lied
You used me to get me into bed
then you tossed me to the side
Now you want my forgiveness
after the ***** you left me for dumped your ***
You must be out of your mind
I am not that stupid
We are done
Completely done
You ******* up any chance of being with me
Don't call me
Don't write me
Don't come near me
Thank you for exposing your true colors
you pathetic Prince Charming wannabe

My mom is one of my best friends
and here is my reason why
she tells me that I’m beautiful
she is there when I need to cry
she always cheers me on
even if she don’t agree
she tells me how to stand up for myself
she encourages me to be me
My mom reminds me that I’m special
whenever I have a bad day
she holds me when I’m hurting
while assuring me I will be okay
she’s available when I need to talk
even when she’s really busy
I love how when I’m gone too long
she texts me because she misses me
I really love my mom
she gives me power to take on the world
even when I’m acting like a brat
she still considers me her baby girl
On days when I don’t look my best
she still takes me out
at times when life gets overwhelming
she reminds me what life is really about
I don’t ever want to lose my mom
my mom is like my twin
we fight and scream at each other sometimes
but in the end nobody wins
My mom is just so awesome
she’s the person that keeps me calm
if I had to choose my role model
it would have to be my mom.

If you were to walk in my shoes
you wouldn't be able to make it halfway down the block
if you could step into my shoes for one day
you would see that I'm real not just a bunch of talk
you will see that I have suffered
I have been through things hard to believe
and although I get a lot of **** for being myself
I still find the courage to always be me
I've been abused emotionally, verbally and physically
I've been let down and let go
although I have every reason to be mean
kindness is what I try to show
I have been betrayed in ways I can't explain
I've witnessed things a little girl never should
I've been pushed back to be laughed at
but I've moved forward and that's very hard
I've moved so many times
it's caused me to not want to let anybody in
I'm so scared to let my guard down sometimes
because I don't want to be disappointed again
When I'm faithful I get cheated on
when I love I get hated
I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve
because I could no longer handle being rejected
I don't want anyone's pity
pity makes me weak
I just wish people would shut up for once
just to give me a chance to speak
I may look amazing on the outside
but inside I'm dying
if it's not one thing then it's another
then I fall asleep in bed crying
I can't make anyone understand me
I can't make anyone accept me either
all I'm asking is before you judge me
try to get to know me a little better
One of two things can happen when you meet me
these are choices you make in the end
you can think of me as the fake crazy ***** some people think I am
or you will see that I'm just Mandie
everybody's best friend.

I think people should be recognized more for their talents
Not just for how they look
It sends the message that no matter how good you are at something
if you're not extremely beautiful or handsome
then you're not good enough
and I don't think that's right

I understand what it's like to be in your shoes
I totally get feeling like an outcast to society
You can't walk anywhere without being judged
For as long as you could remember you knew you were different
you just never imagined yourself to be as ******* up as you are
Some days are so unbearable you just want to end it all
you're sick of talking about it
you're sick of trying to distract yourself from the way it makes you feel
Suicide seems like a good answer
yet you can't bring yourself to do it
Why is that?
If we are so unhappy here, then why do we choose to stay?
Why not end the suffering?
It's that tiny flicker of possibility
that keeps us from making the worst choice we could ever make
That flicker that says "Wait! Just wait a little while longer!
Something good is bound to happen!
I just know it!
Don't give up yet!"
Don't deny ever feeling that flicker
If you have never felt it then you wouldn't be here right now
If you want something badly enough
you would go after it
Despite your endless emotional pain
there is something else entirely different
waiting to erupt from inside of you
I don't know what that is
only you can answer that question
Whatever it is though
you need to grab it and do something with it
Forget what the world thinks
Imagine all of the things you could do
if there wasn't an outside world telling you
that you couldn't be who you want to be
There is always going to be someone
who tells you that you are not great enough
Tell that person to "*******" and keep going
Who knows you could be writing that persons checks one day


I want to thank my boyfriend Chris for not only inspiring this poem but for always encouraging me to dream big despite what the world thinks. I love you!

People say we are crazy
they say it is strange that we never fight
We do fight, we bicker, we disagree
we just happen to fight in person instead of on Facebook

They say we should get married
we act like a married couple so we might as well tie the knot
We do want to get married
We will marry when we are ready to not because the world thinks that we should

They say you should be more romantic and buy me things
I don't want expensive dinners and diamonds
You know that about me
You are romantic
They don't know about the dances in the rain
or that one time we flew all the way to Chicago in the winter time
just so you could kiss me in the snow because you knew that is all I wanted for Christmas

They say I never talk about you or show you off on social media so I must be unhappy
I am happy
I love how you wear Mickey Mouse ears just to make me laugh,
how you memorized my favorite One Direction song
so you can sing it to me out of tune while I am doing the dishes
I love coming home from work and seeing the house cleaned because you know I hate messes
I don't have time to post every detail about you on the internet because I am too busy spending time with you

I really love it when someone sees you at the bar with some girl
and they immediately think you're cheating on me
when in reality the girl you were with was your sister and you both were waiting for me to leave work so we could all go to dinner together

It is funny how people can be so nosy and judgmental about things they know nothing about
It does not matter though
We love each other so much
We prove it to each other everyday without the internet's help
We are madly in love with each other
That is all that matters.

They say to forgive and forget. I’m pretty good at forgiving. Sometimes forgiveness is my weakness. I never forget though. When someone mistreats me and breaks my trust that betrayal plays over and over in my head. You can forgive someone and still keep your guard up. When someone mistreats you to the point they put their hands on you and then wants to be your friend, that is a trap waiting to bite you in the ***. You don’t have to be friends with the person you forgive. You forgive someone so you set yourself free from the anger because of whatever they did to you. It has nothing to do with them. Just because someone forgives you doesn’t mean your that person’s friend, doesn’t mean that the situation didn’t happen, doesn’t mean karma isn’t coming for you. I’ve forgiven a lot of people. Am I going to be friends with those people? Nope. Am I going to say “Hello” to them in the store if I see them? Hell no. Some doors are better closed because for some reason whenever their open all hell breaks loose. I don’t want my life to be anymore chaotic then it already has been. I’ve let go of the past, I’m moving on in the present, I have my guard up for the future so I know how to better handle a situation when trust is broken. I hope my enemies can do the same all the while doing me the pleasure of staying away from me.

On Christmas Eve last year, I fell in love with a man who had a brain tumor. He was only given three months to live, but I didn't mind the short time we had together. He was brilliant, he was kind and despite his diagnosis he was adventurous. He didn't allow anything to hold him back. Most importantly, he didn't let his condition change him. Despite the frequent hospital trips, the headaches that never went away and the nausea he felt due to being in so much pain, he continued to laugh. He continued to be himself. He smoked his ****, he cooked his favorite meals. Whenever I tried to help him in any way he would always say "This may be the last time I do this so just let me be." I worried about him a lot but his smile and the choice he made to just live life to the fullest each day I had with him, was enough to make me forget he was sick. He didn't act like he was dying. Some people had a hard time believing he was sick and I think he wanted it that way. Three months came and went. He was still vibrant even though the fear that he might not wake up the next day was always hovering over him. We made it through Spring, Summer, and Fall. Before I knew it we were back in Winter making angels in the snow and getting high underneath the stars. It was Christmas Eve again. We had been together one whole year. The year I spent with that man was the most magical, scary and excruciating year I would ever go through. We spent our anniversary making love, baking brownies, decorating the Christmas tree and smoking **** outside as we watched the snow fall. That night we laid in bed holding hands staring up at the ceiling. He told me how grateful he was to meet me when he did. He said me that I was proof that just when life seems to fall apart, something extraordinary could happen when you least expect it. He thanked me for not treating him like a broken toy but a human being who wanted nothing more than to be normal. In that moment I told him how much I loved him and that my life would never be the same because the love he showed me despite his pain and suffering was the most beautiful, purest and rare love I had ever experienced. I told him that I would never let him be forgotten and that no man could ever take his place. We laid in bed for hours, telling each other back and forth how much we loved each other all the while still holding hands. At 6:13 a.m on Christmas Day, he passed away. I felt his hand gently grasp mine as he took his last breath. I knew that was coming but the pain I felt when I was certain he was gone was unlike anything I had ever felt. My heart broke into a million pieces as I squeezed his hand, hoping maybe his eyes would open up again. As I gained the courage to let go of his hand for good, I kissed him one last time and whispered "Merry Christmas" into his ear. I then thanked God for allowing me to fall in love and spend time with an angel, even if only for a year.

Walk with me barefoot in the snow
dance with me naked in the rain
Tell me your darkest secrets
let me kiss your pain away
Hold your breath and count to ten
let your body relax
Take my hand and run
try not to breathe so fast
Say your last words
as the spark leaves your eyes
Watch your life play back to you in flashbacks
as death takes you by surprise
Jump off of that cliff your so afraid of
let your body break into pieces on the ground
Let your soul enter eternity
do not make a sound

Sometimes I get so depressed
that I don't have the energy to pick up and write
Writing is everything to me
It is what has saved me so many times in the past
It is the one thing I turn to when I feel like I am drowning
in my unpredictable sadness
It scares me when the one thing that seems to always save me
is the one thing that I want nothing to do with
when I am at my absolute lowest
That is how I know I am more than just sad
I am in danger of losing my life
That's not easy to confess on paper
or to someone in person

Right now I feel very depressed

I just want to crawl into bed wearing my favorite hoodie and cry myself to sleep while listening to Mayday Parade in the darkness.

It feels like my heart has been cut in two and no matter how many times I try to stitch the halves together they always have a way of coming undone and I am just so tired of trying to fix something that will forever be broken.

I am learning that there are some things in life that you can’t fix and I am one of them. I was broken 7 years ago and I have spent the last 6 years of my life trying to put myself together. I have gone to therapy, I have talked to family and friends, I have moved across the united states by myself to try to start my life over somehow and what do I have to show for it?

Here’s what I have. I have eyes that I cover with so much eyeliner because I don’t want anyone to take a chance at seeing into my soul. Underneath my eyes are dark circles from the many sleepless nights I’ve had because I can’t stop crying. I have scars on my legs from the times I have cut myself just hoping that if I punished myself for my own mistakes and everybody else’s that maybe, just maybe all that I’ve been feeling inside would just pour out of me and I wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. I have notebooks piled everywhere of poems I have written, some with tear stains, some with blood stains all about how I feel about myself, the ones I love, the world, how I see it, how I feel it, how I sense it and how I hurt so much all the time and how badly iIwant it all to end but I realized that I can write a million poems on how I feel and that still wouldn’t be able to get someone to understand me and my voice still wouldn’t be heard. I have a voice that screams as loud as it can and it’s as if I’m ******* invisible.

What I hate the most though is that I have a heart that should have stopped beating a long time ago. My heart is so fragile, it feels like it’s hanging from a thread and sometimes when I cry I start to get chest pains because I’m hurting so much. My heart is a part of me, it’s what I follow when I have to make important decisions, my heart is where my passion for music and writing come from. My heart has been lied to, disappointed, shattered, ignored, used, devastated, over worked, overwhelmed and when given to someone I thought would take good care of it, it was let go of, thrown, tossed like a game, stepped on, crushed and laughed at but it’s still running. It’s still doing it’s job at keeping me alive despite the chest pains it has to deal with when me, the one it’s working for, is having a meltdown. Just when I think my heart is at the point of never feeling anything again it does. No matter how many times my heart and I have been pushed away I always find a way to believe in things like trust, hope, miracles and even love. I have a way of opening up from time to time and letting someone get to know the real me all the while building a wall around myself as fast as I can out of fear of someone seeing too much and hating me later.

Pain is all I know. Crying myself to sleep is normal to me. Blaming myself for other people’s problems is what I have done since I can remember. Cutting is what I’m familiar with doing because I have done it for so long. Music and writing are what get me through the day. When people criticize me, put me down, or tell me what a **** up I am music and poetry are the things that tell me “Mandie those people are wrong, please don’t listen to them.”

Listening to music when I’m sad is the same as someone giving me a hug, holding me and letting me cry into their shoulder. Writing poetry is the same as writing a letter to someone only it’s not to one person. Depending on the poem and my mood, it can be a letter to a friend, an enemy, a boy I like, a family member, someone who died, someone who feels the way I do right now.

After writing all that I just wrote I still feel very sad and there’s tears falling on the keyboard I am typing off of now but that is nothing new. I cry more than I smile, I walk more than I talk, I spend all my time protecting myself from getting hurt instead of making plans and having fun, I worry more than I laugh, I am scared about a lot of things but I don’t show it, I’m strong on the outside but inside I am falling apart always. People think they know me and they don’t. They know my name but not my story. No one other than God knows me. Not even my best friend. Not even the guy I’m in love with knows me the way everyone thinks they do. Secrets, ***, hanging out, sharing your feelings…those things can help you get to know a person and bring them closer to you but there’s still a part of all of us that we keep hidden from the world because we are so scared of rejection, of losing ourselves, of being hurt, of being too different, maybe even being unwanted after being told we would be loved no matter what.

I just want to feel better but I will never feel better. I can walk on the strip in Vegas with a smile on my face, holding hands with the one I want to spend forever with but inside I will be terrified of the person who was by my side then changing his mind hating me two years from now and all the happiness I felt that day would be something that was taken away, never to be returned again. They say life is too short to be anything but happy, if life is so short then why spend it being disappointed and hurt over and over again? You take a chance at being happy and it gets destroyed. Why put yourself through something you know wont last? If my life is so short I don’t have time for games and being lied to, cheated on and thrown away, being treated like an option or being nominated for second choice. I would rather protect myself from that. I would be happier if I protected myself, not let anybody in instead of being hurt and crying all the time like I do now.

I know I said I was depressed before, but after reading all that I just typed I now feel very very sad. I don’t like how I feel about certain things and situations, I don’t like the walls I have built around myself, I also don’t like the condition my heart is in. I don’t like who I’ve become and I cant find a way to change how I feel about all that I talked about. I guess that’s why I call myself broken…

I would run out into the snow wearing just my *******, hoodie and an ugly pair of tennis shoes just to chase you for 3 blocks only to grab you, kiss you and tell you that your the best thing that ever happened to me.

Today I went all natural
I feel very pretty today
I don't care how others view me
I don't care about what others have to say
I went to school in my pajamas
my hair isn't really done
Even though I am the only one in my pajamas
I am still having a lot of fun
My friends are all smiling today
today seems to be good
The weather is nice, my boyfriend is well
school is going great as it should
No one is starting drama
I am not feeling emotionally sick
I had two cups of coffee at five in the morning
so I woke up really quick
I hope today stays this way
it feels nice to not be stressed
Not only do I have plans after school
but last night I got plenty of rest
I feel very out of my skin today
I feel energized and alive
I am going to enjoy this moment that I am in
and kiss all of the drama goodbye

You mean nothing to me anymore
your a mistake I wish I never made
you never loved me to begin with
I was just some game you always wanted to play
The compliments you made were all lies
all the letters you wrote me were too
the whole time you were with me you were pretending to love me
just because it made you look cool
Every kiss you gave me was fake
you didn't feel anything at all
every date we went on wasn't unique
you did the same with other girls
The *** wasn't special for you either
you said the sight of my body caused you to hurl
every promise you made you knew they wouldn't be kept
You had me believing you were great
that was until I caught you with your ex-girlfriend
on the night we were supposed to have a date
You used me whenever you got the chance
and I was so blind the whole time
while I was sitting in my room crying with a broken heart
you went on with your life as if everything was fine
Because of the pain you caused me
you made it hard for me to love again
the funny thing is after what you put me through
I still wanted to be friends
but ******, alcohol and drugs were more important
you didn't have time for me anymore
you broke up with me without giving me a reason why
and that shattered my heart even more
Despite all that happened
I still wish you the best
I hope you change your ways and make something of yourself
No I don't love you any less
I just wish things ended differently
I can't help but cringe when I hear your name
because of the heartache you caused me
my view on love will never be the same.

Sitting around this campfire
trying to write a song
I’m trying to get you off my mind
but it’s been a struggle all night long
Every sweater I have smells like you
every picture on my camera is with you
every memory is just the two of us
where all you did was make me blush
Every time I take a walk
I imagine you by my side
you were the smile on my face
you were one of my reasons to stay alive
Now all I do lately is think
of how life could have been
what would have happened if I got the courage to say
all the things I held within
I see you with her everyday at school
and all I do is smile
it’s nice to see you happy
it makes the pain stop for awhile
Then reality falls back into place
and I struggle to hold my ground
I walk to class struggling to be strong
while ignoring each and every sound
So as I sit here by this fire
I wonder how your doing tonight
I hope your having some sort of fun
I hope everything is alright
As for me I’ll finish writing this song
about the promises I try to keep
afterwards I’ll kiss the stars goodnight

I used to have to take sleeping pills to help me fall asleep at night
Now all I have to do is lie in your arms and I get the best sleep of my life every night
I love you
Thank you for choosing to end your days with me

Once upon a time
you played games with my heart
you gave me false hope
you tore my world apart
You threw away memories
some I'll never have again
even if we weren't a couple
I still wanted to be friends
How do I feel?
I don't really know
my heart is in pieces
yet I still love you so
All I can do
is try to move on
and just always remember
I wasn't the one in the wrong.

I seem to lack the talent of being able to see any beauty within myself
I find everything beautiful
I can look at the sky and describe the clouds in metaphors
that artists could turn into a masterpiece
I can look at my best friend and tell her how she is the image of the sun,
the moon, a field of roses and the stars combined into a human being that is absolutely flawless
I can look at the man I love and spend hours telling him how he was created with intense love and that everytime he smiles my heart literally feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest
I can look at my nieces and tell them over and over again as I kiss their precious faces how they are beautiful angels with wings so big and hearts so pure that one day their beauty is going to take the breathes away from so many people
I can look at my mother and see all of the hell she has been through in her lifetime and still be able to tell her how she is a beautiful walking story of inspiration and that if she did not exist in my life my whole world would not make sense
I can find beauty in a stranger and see qualities they probably never even knew they had
I look at me and all I see is disappointment
I see failure
I see ugliness
I see a waste of space
I see someone who is like an annoying dog who everyone likes to tie up outside and forget about
I see anxiety and depression and the state of isolation it causes me on days I can't function with the world
I see someones who will always be disgusting no matter what I do
no colors of hair dye,
no shades of lipstick,
no pounds shed off of my body,
no plastic surgeries,
nothing will make me beautiful because I'm not beautiful
I try to see what other people see and I can't
My view in the mirror is like a rainy day full of gray and pain and
my view of anyone else is like looking at the ocean as the sun sets and
I can't stop because everyone else is so beautiful
If I'm not ugly as everyone claims
then I must have broken eyes

I can’t remember the last time I cried

or screamed at the top of my lungs

I don’t remember the last time I let loose

and actually had some fun

I don’t remember the last time I ran

as if I had nothing else left to do

I also can’t remember sleeping 8 hours straight

and waking up feeling good

I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup

and actually felt like a princess

I don’t remember wanting to puke especially on the weekends

I don’t remember the last time I felt content

when I’m alone in my bed

I can’t remember the last time I showered

without any thoughts racing through my head

I don’t remember the last time I looked at myself

and said “Mandie everything will be ok”

I don’t remember the last time I left the house

excited to start my day

I don’t remember the last time I was happy

happiness seemed so long ago

I’ve seemed to to get used to living with depression again

and this time I don’t remember how to let it go

Once upon a time
there was a girl who couldn't feel
when unexpected things happened
she acted like they weren't real
She was very hard to read
I know because I've tried
she thought she was ugly
she thought everyone lied
Everyday she cut
she didn't want to live
she thought nobody loved her
so she's never forgive
She was always alone
she smoked a cigarette per hour
she took care of herself though
she smelled as sweet as a flower
Her birthday came and went
nobody knew
her heart was broken
she didn't know what to do
So once upon a time
there was a girl who couldn't feel
she killed herself when the unexpected happened
she found her way to deal.

I need some time to figure out where I want to go in this life
If I can get just a little bit of air
I think I will be alright
I need to make some changes
I just feel so alone
I've built up so much anger
I don't know what to do with it anymore
Everyone around me is moving on
as I'm stuck in the same **** place
There is no light waiting for me at the end of the tunnel
I'm no use for anything
I gave up kissing *** a long time ago
I won't go back to that now
I need to run away
I got to reach all of my dreams
but right now I just don't know how.

He took off his shirt
I took off mine
He took me into his arms and put me on our bed
He touched me in places I never knew were there
As he kissed my lips
I ran my fingers through his hair
As he put himself into me
I shivered in fear
He asked me if I was alright
I shook my head yes
We made love for hours
we tossed and turned all over
By six in the morning I fell asleep for what seemed like forever
I woke up to the smell of french toast he was cooking in the kitchen
I left our room naked
I wanted more of him
I hugged him from behind
he turned around, grabbed my face and kissed me
We made love on the kitchen floor
screaming and moaning as the french toast burned

I have an unusual best friend

he’s my cat Ronnie

he is very smart for a cat

and he is incredibly funny

He has a way of telling me

when I’m being a total *****

like dumping water from his dish all over the floor

it just makes me blow a gasket

I love the way he lays on my neck

so his purring puts me to sleep

I love how he sits in the shower with me

he always looks so sweet

I love how he puts his nose on mine

as I’m trying to write a poem

and I love how he meows like crazy

whenever I come home

Ronnie is my best friend

he will sit with me for hours if I’m crying on the bathroom floor

He doesn’t beg for my food when I’m eating

and he can never leave me alone

He watches me as I do dishes

as if he’s watching something fascinating

he likes watching my coffee *** brew coffee

because of the sound it makes and everything

Ronnie and I have a bond

I have never had with another pet

I fell in love with him before he could open his eyes

and he was my cat when I didn’t have him yet

He is the one friend I can count on

I know he will never break my heart

I love my kitty cat Ronnie

he’s my reason to keep from falling apart

It irritates me when I tell people that I am a emotional, complicated, sensitive disaster and they say "Oh don't have low self esteem". I don't have low self esteem. I am being honest with you so months down the line when you finally agree with what I am telling you, you can't say that you didn't know because I told you so. I don't get why people are so stunned by my honesty.

It hit me today how much I am in love with you
I didn't know I was until you left
You moved to California for a job
and once I got home from dropping you off at the airport
I noticed your laughter was now nothing but an echo
bouncing off the walls that holds conversations we had on Saturdays
where we stayed up all night drinking talking about
every heartache we each suffered in our young lives
When you told me a month ago you were leaving
I was happy for you
I knew how much you wanted to get out of town and
make something out of yourself
I told you that California was lucky to have you because
it was about to get a heart that is full of so much wonder and love
You asked me to go with you
I told you that sometimes friends have to let each other go
I remember you looking sad when I said that
I couldn't understand why you would be sad though
It wasn't until I went into the kitchen to make dinner
I called for you so you could list off ideas on what to eat
After I said your name out loud and you didn't answer
my heart broke
It was then I had flashbacks of every moment we shared together
All of the good and the bad
you were here for everything
When I got stood up on that date last February
you were there to take that idiot's place
so that I wouldn't feel stupid
When I had anxiety attacks
you stayed up until four in the morning
sacrificing sleep for work just to make sure I was alright
When my parents divorced
you were the glue that held my heart together
When I had the flu for a week
you stayed over watching *** In The City with me
in your pajamas while we ate soup that you made from scratch
What got me though was the memory of you and I
sitting outside smoking a cigarette and out of nowhere
you sang that Mayday Parade song "Even Robots Need Blankets"
and I thought you were singing it because
you know how much I love that song but
now that I think about it you were singing it TO me
You were telling me how you felt and I was too blind to see
what was right in front of me
When I came back to reality I had to call you
I went to my bedroom to grab my phone and that's when I found it
I found a plane ticket with a note
The ticket was to California
I opened the note and with shaky hands I read it
It said

"Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I could ever do considering how much I am in love with you. I left you this ticket because I can't enter this new chapter in my life without the person who makes me fearless. That person is you. As you read this note I am sitting in the airport waiting to board a flight that I rescheduled. The time I have should match the time on your ticket. I am waiting for you. Please change your mind and come with me."

I checked the time
I had twenty minutes to get to the airport
I grabbed my phone, my purse and my keys to leave for California
with my soulmate before it was too late

The world is a vicious place
with violence surrounding us all
It breaks my heart that so much hate
is causing countries to fall
Attacks are falling from the sky
as ISIS leaves fire wherever they go
People are dying, fear is rising up
as we ask questions for answers we may never know
The twin towers had their murders
when planes crashed into them on 9/11
America was in devastation
as many hearts were in ruin
Paris has now been attacked
with shootings and suicide bombs
People are lying dead in the streets
over unsolved issues that isn't their fault
America and Paris are not the only ones
who is danger at this time
Japan, Mexico and many others
also need our prayers and our help
War is so ugly
it causes more harm than good
Men losing brothers in blood spilled battles
some as young as 18 having to be put to rest so soon
Children are being beheaded
over religious differences
Threats are being made all over the place
throwing people into panic
Groups of people being held hostage
over greed and desperate need for power
My heart keeps breaking
as I get news updates every other hour
The world is falling apart
it's getting worse each day
Now is the time to stand together
and make the evil of ISIS go away
I don't want any more blood spilled
I don't want the world living in fear
I want the Eiffel Tower to put it's lights back on
I want the world to live in peace

I just want to dye my hair all sorts of crazy colors. Why? Because I can. I want to go to concerts and be around people who just want to have fun after spending so many years going through hell and back. I want to travel to England and have adventures I can write stories about. I want to wear cute skirts with a beat up pair of converse and dance all over the place. I want to eat all the chocolate I can. I want to find magic in places no one thinks about twice. I want to turn 30 years old with confidence because I think women get better with age. I want to write forever and ever. I want to write for a career. I want to write anywhere whether it's on an airplane, the floor in a mall, a dressing room, while stuck in traffic, high up on a building where I can see everything you can't see when you are on the ground. I want to make snow angels in the snow and make wishes in the rain. I want to eat pizza with my friends, fall in love with a man who adores me, adopt a child and give them a home so I can love them every second of everyday. I want to have my heartbroken so I can become stronger. I want to laugh so when I'm sad I have something to remind me why I should keep going. I want to swim with mermaids, fly in the sky with Santa Claus and go ice skating with Jack Frost. I want people to tell me I can't do something so I can prove them wrong. I want to jump from cliffs and let the ocean catch me into it's arms and spin me around as if I am dancing in an underground heaven. I want to be 40 years old still be going to Disneyland because I refuse to let the child inside of me from years ago die. I want to make a difference. I want to hug as many people as I can. I want to stay up until 3 am around a camp fire looking at the stars while I tell God all of my secrets. I want to make all my dreams come true all the while staying humble so I don't lose myself in success. I want to live without the pressure of having to do certain things so fast. I want to leave this earth knowing I did impossible things and that someone's life was changed because I chose to love them when nobody else wanted to.

I have accepted a truth
that I have been trying to avoid for quite some time
I am going to spend the rest of my life alone
I have believed in true love ever since I was a little girl
I wasn't the type who dreamed about a big wedding
I dreamed about life after a wedding
Buying a house
Raising dogs
Cookie dough fights during the holiday season
Painting a bedroom a wacky color
Going to concerts to celebrate anniversaries
Traveling to Europe
Growing old together and still sharing kisses in the snow
I have come to the conclusion that true love is not in the cards for me
You know when a woman gets news that she can't have a baby
Her heart breaks, she cries but she has to accept that reality?
That is sort of what happened to me tonight
I was writing a poem about love like I always do
and it hit me
The stuff I write about will never happen to me
I will never buy a house with someone so we can build a home together
I won't be raising a puppy with anyone
I won't be throwing cookie dough in my kitchen during the holidays
The bedroom I paint will not be a wacky color
I won't go to concerts for any reason other than to enjoy live music
I won't be sharing a story in Europe with anything other than my diary
I will be 80 years old still loving the snow by myself
and that is okay
As heartbreaking as that is
I am totally okay with that
Some people grow up to be famous
Some grow up to make a difference
Some grow up to raise a family
Some grow up to fall in love and spend the rest of their lives
with the one who took their heart and never let it break
I have been by myself for the last two years
I have become comfortable with loneliness
I have adapted
I am better off this way
I won't be able to hurt anyone and in return no one will hurt me
As tough as this was to accept
once I said the words out loud I felt this weight being lifted off of me
As if I had revealed a horrible secret I have been hiding
Do I still believe in true love?
Yes I do
It exists
It really does
It just doesn't exist for me
Am I sad?
I am heartbroken
Maybe more heartbroken than I have ever been in my entire life
But I will be okay
I will take this truth and move on with my life
That is what I do
I am not depressed
I am realistic
No man is ever going to want me
I am too complicated
I am too emotional
I am too much to handle
I love too much, I have been told before that I love too much
I don't know how to not love so much
I am not beautiful enough to be looked at naked
and take someone's breath away
I don't have what it takes to make someone happy
I am twenty three years old
It is better that I accept this now
so I don't waste my life hoping for something that won't come true
I will always be the brides maid
never the bride
I will always be somebody's friend or sister
never a crush or girlfriend
I will always be on the sidelines cheering on every one else's love stories
never will I have a beautiful story to look back on and cherish
I am okay with all of that
I really am

My sister is twelve weeks pregnant
she is having complications
She started bleeding three days ago
she thinks she is going to have a miscarriage
Something to do with the placenta tore
but the baby still has a heartbeat
Not only can my sister not lift anything
she has to stay off of her feet
I have never seen my sister worry
She is normally really strong
When I saw her crying three mornings ago
I knew that something was wrong
To hear that I might lose my niece or nephew killed me
I left the room to talk to God
I sat on a sidewalk, begin to cry
then I started praying really hard
I asked God to take my life
I told him that I would give my life for that baby
I told him he could break my heart by taking away my boyfriend
I would get over it eventually
I told him to get me pregnant and take my child
I can handle the loss better than my sister can
I asked him to give me excruciating pain
I am pretty good at holding my own hand
I told him that I would rather have cancer
than to see my sister in pain
I asked him to please let the baby live
that I would do anything
I will give up whatever I have to
so that baby has a chance at life
I promised I would not be bitter
as long as my sister was alright
I told him I was ready to go at anytime
if he has to take me then go ahead
Just as long as I do not have to hear the words
that my sister's child is dead
I would sacrifice my life for my sister
I would do the same for her kids as well
I would do anything God asked me to
just as long as my sister doesn't  have to go through this hell

Right now I am writing you a song
hoping you will read it for me
I am writing about the things I see in you
and how I love everything you turned out to be
Every time we talk
I feel a weight being lifted off of my chest
After all of the mistakes I have seemed to make
you have never loved me less
I love you more than life itself
I am sure everyone can see that
I go to school just to be near you
and because of you I have grown to love it
You have changed me in many ways
you're the best choice I ever made
When I think of the day I met you
I would have to say that was the best day...

I want to think the creator of Hello Poetry Eliot York for allowing me to share my work on this site. To the other writers on this site both published and non published thank you for the critique to make my writing better. Thank you for encouraging me and directing me in the right direction to making my life more positive. Thank you for always motivating me and reminding me to work ******* my dreams. Thank you for picking me up when I was sad. Thank you for believing in me when I can't believe in myself. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my poetry, like it, share it and compliment it. To the friends I have made on Hello Poetry thank you for being so awesome. I really hope to meet most of you in person so we can get together and write together. How cool would that be!!!?? I am so blessed to be able to share my work with people who understand how I think. For the first time in my life I have a place to turn to when I need release from all of the crap that builds up in my mind and to be surrounded by people who have a passion for writing like I do, it's like being around magic all of the time and I can't help but smile. To everyone on Hello Poetry thank you for not just making a difference in my life but for making a difference in other's lives as well through your words. You all make the world a better place. Every time you post a poem on this site, you are giving a gift of hope to those who are lost and each poem gives someone the courage to face their demons. If you ever feel like your words don't matter let me tell you now that they do. Every single day. So don't you ever think your work means nothing. You all are so talented and I am so blessed to be a part of a community that is just so full of love. 2015 was amazing and it was because of all of you. Eliot York, thank you again. To every writer on this site, thank you again for making the world a better place, one poem at a time. Happy New Year!!!!!!

When your world is falling apart
Because some ******* broke your heart
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you feel so alone
And you can't reach anyone on the telephone
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your parents are fighting so bad
And you can't help but to feel sad
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you need someone to talk to
Or you just need something to do
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your confused about the world
Whether your a boy or girl
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you need to get away
And no one will listen to what you have to say
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your smile can't seem to shine
And you know your not feeling fine
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
If you need to yell and scream
Because someone tried to crush your dreams
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
If you need to cry, if you need to vent
But you don't know what to say just yet
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be waiting for you right there
If you need a friend to hold you tight
And promise you that everything will be alright
Rain or shine, day or night
All you gotta do is turn around
And I promise I'll be right there.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 22, 2012 Tuesday 6:51 A.M.

I watched two waves collide into each other
while I was at the ocean
and it reminded me of how beautiful it is when two people
come together as one
They say that it's impossible for two people
to spend the rest of their lives with each other
but I beg to differ
I've never been married
I've never made it past a year in a half in a relationship
yet my belief in love is so strong
and I honestly don't know where that comes from
I used to blame the movies
I used to blame the poetry
I used to blame songs but when I imagine
taking all of those things away and not allowing
any of those things to influence my beliefs in love
No matter how bad the circumstances are around me
no matter how broken I may feel because a certain individual
hurts my feelings and makes me cry
I still cannot let go of my belief in true love
and I don't ever want to
So I stood at the ocean
watching two waves collide with one another
as two waves became one
and I was reminded that it is possible for two people to find each other
fall in love and be together for the rest of their lives
It was so beautiful that I cired

At this very moment my heart is breaking
it’s breaking in two and I can feel it
it feels like a huge weight is on my chest
like a ton of bricks fell on me
it’s hard to breathe
it hurts so bad I can’t help but cry
I want the breaking to stop
I feel like a part of me is being ripped apart
and there is nothing I can do about it
I feel like a part of me is gone
and I can’t get it back
crying makes the pain worse
with every tear that falls another part of my heart breaks
and every breath I take makes the aching hurt so much more
When the tears have stopped a numbness falls over me
making me very tired
with each breath I take my chest burns
like an open wound left untreated
I fall asleep and dream of memories that make me smile so big
then I wake up
I realize it was just a dream
I start to cry as my heart breaks all over again