I fell in love with you during the most magical time of the year
The leaves were changing
Everything tasted like pumpkin
Hoodies were being worn with jeans and leggings
Hot cider replaced water
and cool winds replaced the heat
I met you while walking down the street
Your brown hair was a mess from the wind
You were wearing a Metallica t-shirt with a hoodie
that looked like it had been with you through high school
You were carrying a gas station coffee that looked delicious
considering that was what my walk was for
You and I were waiting to use the same crosswalk
We each had a headphone in an ear that was blasting a Bruce Springsteen song
After noticing this you asked me what my favorite song by Bruce was
With blushing cheeks I answered "Tougher Than The Rest"
As you shook your head to move the hair from your face
you responded "Me too"
The crosswalk said walk so we walked
We ended up walking to Seattle's Best Coffee House
I got confused at the coffee you already had in your hand
You informed me that the cup was filled with change collected from weeks before
I invited you to have a coffee with me
While I treated us to coffee
you treated us to muffins you promised me were the best
As we took our seats in the coffee house
we both sipped our coffee
as the radio began to play the song "Tougher Than The Rest"

He got sent to prison today
The judge said "life without parole"
He will never taste freedom again
He will spend the rest of his days
stuck between four walls
I knew this day was coming
I knew what the judge would say
What he did was wrong
and now he has to pay
He murdered a man a year ago
in fact he murdered several
The man that I am in love with
turned out to be a serial killer
He skinned people alive
He enjoyed hearing them scream
Then he put their bodies in a shredder
so he wouldn't leave traces of anything
When I was at home cooking dinner
he was out stalking his prey
According to the evidence shared in court weeks ago
he murdered a man and a woman on Christmas Day
He skinned them
Burned them
Hung them upside down like animals
He shredded them to pieces
and came home as if nothing had happened
This has been going on for years
since he was about seventeen
It makes me cringe whenever I think of all of the times
his hands were all over me
Did he ever think about murdering me
Could I have been one of his victims
He told the courts killing those strangers was easy
because he had no love for them
When asked why he did what he did
he smiled with pride
He shook his head and laughed
"That is just the way I am wired" he replied
A part of me wanted to throw up
another part of me wanted to cry
When he was taken out of court in handcuffs
I was absolutely mortified
It is astonishing the way us humans
can hide secrets so well
The things we do when no one is watching
just to get through our personal hell's
What makes me even more sick is that despite his actions
and many other sins
My boyfriend is a serial killer
and I am still madly in love with him

There's not much I can say
other than the time is near
It's time for me to leave this earth
it's time for me to face my fear
I've suffered more than I should have
I should've been gone a long time ago
I tried my best to keep moving forward
but for me that seems to be impossible
I'm sorry it has to be this way
but it's something I gotta do
I'm not doing this to be selfish
I'm sorry if I'm hurting you
but I'm ready to go to a special place
a place where tears don't exist
because down here I suffer so much
that I can no longer focus
Don't cry for me when I'm gone
you know I'll be alright
Whenever you need me just look to the stars
I'll be in the sky shining bright
Go on, live your life, make your dreams come true
and know there's never been a day when I didn't think about you
I've done all I had to
I'm not needed anymore
When your time is up
I'll be waiting for you at heaven's door
So let me go please
don't ever forget to smile
Death doesn't stop true love
it just delays it for awhile

You loved me when I wanted to give up
You loved me from far away
You loved me at my absolute worst
You loved me on my birthday
You loved me when I was stressed
You loved me when I slept
You loved me in pajamas and messy hair
You loved me in heels and a dress
You loved me when I was poor
You loved me when I was rich
You loved me when I was kind
You loved me when I was a *****
You loved me when I was crying
You loved me when I was angry
You loved me when I was doubtful
You loved me when I was succeeding
You loved me when I was reckless
You loved me when I was strong
You loved me when my scars were cuts
You loved me when I was wrong
You loved me in the snow
You loved me in the rain
You loved me when I couldn’t love myself
You loved me through everything

If you are reading this right now you are probably a stranger who has never met me

I don’t know you personally and I have no idea what is going on in your world

I am not very good with people so excuse my awkwardness

If tonight you are having one of those night’s where everything seems off

Where everything seems to be crashing down around you

Where all of your past mistakes seem to be knocking on your door and

Voices are telling you to snort that *******, to cut yourself with that razor

To pour that glass of *****, to run into oncoming traffic just to feel anything but the emptiness you feel now

If your heart is breaking, if your parents are fighting

If your best friend betrayed you by sleeping with your boyfriend or

Someone very close to you died

If your feeling suicidal, lost, depressed, stressed to ******* capacity to the point you think you will absolutely lose it then

I want you to read these next words very carefully

You are much more than your past

You are not your mistakes

You don’t need that adrenaline rush, that sight of blood

That alcohol or that specific drug to feel better

Your life is far from ending

That feeling as if everything is ****** up is just the beginning of something spectacular being born into your life

In life great things never come without a little pain first

Whatever it is you are feeling I want you to know it is temporary

I want you to tell yourself that you are beyond extraordinary

You are strong enough to handle anything life throws at you because you are a bad ***

Nothing and no one can tear you down

Cry if you need to, scream if you need to, throw something if you need to

Feel whatever it is you need to feel, fall down, crash, let your emotions hit you

Then I want you to get back up, take a deep breath and keep going

Life is ****, life is down right awful sometimes and it doesn’t ever make sense

If there is one thing I know from my past experiences

It’s that there is something wonderful to look forward to

There is something worth living for and proof of that shows up when you least expect it

So before you go to sleep tonight

Please don’t forget to look into the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are

Because the truth is we are all facing demons but no matter what demons tend to haunt us

We can overcome them, we will overcome them

Saying no to whatever you use to escape from your pain is the first step to beating that demon

2:13 PM

A school shooting took place
He was angry at the world
for the constant rejection that he faced
He was sick of the jocks pushing him up against lockers
and girls only wanting him for just ***
He was sick of his mother always lecturing him about taking his meds
it made him want to wring her neck

His girlfriend broke up with him two weeks prior
over a text message one morning
Being dropped like a piece of garbage
made him even more angry at everybody
He thought he could control himself
if he spent a few days home from school
It was there he found a way to get attention
he found a way to be cool

He stole his dad's semi-automatic rifle
went to school as if everything was okay
Once there he snapped
and began to fire away

2:13 PM

A school shooting took place
He felt sorry for what he did
he shook as he paced
He was sick of the constant voices in his head
that made him turn into someone else

At 2:14 PM

he turned the gun onto himself

When life falls apart and you feel you can't be strong
know that I am here for you
I have been all along
I have always had your back
I am just waiting for your call
I have seen what you are going through
I have been there through it all
I am here to hold your hand
I am here to catch your tears
I am here to make you laugh
and walk with you as you face your fears
I am here to make you smile
I am here for every storm
I am here to hold you tight
even after your not hurting anymore
My hugs are nothing special
I just hope they ease the pain
My advice may not be the best
I just hope it helps you through the rain
So when life is no longer falling apart
and you have finally made it along
Do not forget that I am still here for you
to remind you that you are strong

It's three in the morning
I have had the same stomach ache since ten o'clock last night
The pain is so intense I can't move
without feeling my insides turning upside down
Nothing is helping either
Tums are not working
Sprite is not working
A hot bath hasn't helped
I feel like I need to throw up
but that just causes me to have an anxiety attack
Now I am at the point where breathing is so painful
that I hold my breath
Feeling on the verge of tears
I break down and take some medication
Two hours later
Nothing
By now it feels like my intestines are knotted
through each of my ribs
I'm shaking
I'm sweating yet I'm cold
I break down again
I can't take it anymore
I smoke some ****
I light the joint
Take a hit
It hurts to inhale but I need some relief
I take two more hits
Within half an hour my stomach ache is gone
I feel like I am floating in a swimming pool
while wrapped up in a blanket
The shaking has stopped
I can breathe without feeling like something inside of me is tearing
I am so tired
It's amazing how much energy pain can take from you
It feels so good not to be in pain
I finish the joint
I lay on my bed
I allow myself to relax
I'm thirsty but too exhausted to get back up
I fall asleep with relief
hoping to God that this pain doesn't come back

If I could just die in my sleep right now
that would be okay with me
I could finally get out of this hell hole
and everyone would just let me be
I could get away from all of the fighting
and yelling that takes place day to day
I could be forgotten in a second
and that would be okay
I want to be left alone
I want the pressure to be perfect to end
I want the world to stop looking at me like a bug under a microscope
I want perfection to stop being a trend
I want people to stop ******* judging me
I want the constant need to talk **** to stop
I want my way of thinking to be left alone
without making judgments on my heart
I want it to rain forever
so the world can see my constant pain
I want my past to drop dead already
and stop affecting me in everything
I want to take my last breath now
I say 20 years of living is enough
I can't take this pressure we call life
it's just not worth it anymore

Sitting in the park
I am the only one here
I am drinking a sweet tea
pretending it is a beer
The weather was beautiful this morning
now it is hot as a *****
It is making me cranky
I hate days like this
Today I ditched school
because I am tired as ****
When I go to bed early
waking up is a pain in the ****
I must have insomnia
I really need help
I am getting physically sick
I do not know what to do with myself
I know once I go to sleep
I will wake up again
For now I am stuck in this park
until the school day ends



I had quite a mouth on me in high school...

Thank you for finally finding me

I have never been in love with someone to the point where I felt compelled to be with them at random parts of the day for no reason at all.
I have never been so attracted to someone that seeing them just makes me want to tear off all their clothes and make love to them in the most passionate way possible.
I have never felt connected to someone else that when they are not around I feel incomplete.
I have never trusted anyone enough to marry them.
I have never been in someone’s presence with the feeling that they are staring straight into my soul.
I have never had the energy to fight for someone. If something was tearing us apart I just let it happen because I never cared enough to try to make things work.
I have never met someone worth starting a life with.
I have never been with someone who takes away my fear of commitment.
I have never been with someone who gives me the courage to be fearless.
I thought I was in love many times but I see now that I never was.
I haven’t met someone special worth missing, worth crying over years later.
I have yet to meet the person who will make mistakes with me and continue on with life with their hand in mine.

It is 3:09 in the morning
Law and order plays on my TV
I just finished my third glass of wine
I am so lonely
I listened to One Direction for an hour
their music fills the holes in my heart
I am ready for bed, I feel myself getting sleepy
but I can't bring myself to lie down
I feel my legs getting cold
it's raining outside
I wish there was someone here to hold me
I hate sleeping in such a big bed all by myself
I wish I had someone to share it with
I have so much on my mind
it's causing me anxiety
I watch commercials trying to distract myself
from feeling so lonely

They said I couldn't sing
but I have a cd
they said I was too young
yet I have adults at my knees
they said he was just a crush
but now he's my husband
they said I was dumb
yet I got into college two years before them
they said I talk to much
now I have my own talk show
they said I acted immature
yet I pay my own bills now
they said I was a loser
yet I win all of the skateboard games
they said I was ugly
yet my my clothing stores have different names
they told me to die
but I'm still living
they say I waste time
but my friends can't get enough of me
they said I couldn't dream
but now look at me
every magazine they look at
my face is all that they see.

I wonder what heaven is like
is it really great as it seems?
Is everyone forever young and beautiful?
Do you meet people from your dreams?
Does God really hold you in his arms
as he welcomes you home for good?
Is heaven really full of love and hope
or is it sadly just misunderstood?
I wonder if it snows in heaven
Winter is my favorite season
I wonder if I were to sit on a cloud
would God sit next to me and tell me that he loves me for no reason?
I wonder if you have thoughts in heaven
and if so do bad thoughts disappear?
I wonder if you could really fly
even if flying is your biggest fear
I wonder if God would even let me into heaven
he really should send me to hell
Where am I going to go when I die?
Right now I can't even tell
I don't know what is going to happen to my soul
when I take my last breath for good
Is there really even a heaven?
Maybe I should go find out

I can't give you a million dollars
but I can support you in your decisions
I can't buy you a car
but I can walk with you for miles
I can't stop you from bleeding
but I can hold your hand through the pain
I'll be happy to give you advice
but I admit I don't know everything
I can't heal your broken heart
but I can hold you while you cry
I can't stop the bad that happens in your life
but I can stand by your side
I can't succeed for you
but I can cheer you on every step of the way
I'm also there to talk on the phone
if I can't see you everyday
I can't go back with you to your past
but I can move forward with you to your future
I can't control the mean things others say to you
but I can tell you that they don't matter
I can't make you love yourself
but I can remind you of all the greatness I see
I can't always make you feel better
but I can try if you let me
I can't make things easier
on days when life is hard
but I can love you to my fullest
because I'm your best friend and that's my job.

He wrote me a poem
In the poem he confessed his feelings for me
He said he would have told me in person how he felt
but writing was easier for him to say what he had to say
So he wrote me a poem

He wrote me a book
In the chapters he wrote about the beginning of us
The moment we met
Our first date
Our first kiss
Our first fight
Our first everything
He said he wanted a way to share with the world
how lucky he was to have a woman like me love him so much
So he wrote me a book

He made me a movie
In the movie was a collection of videos he took of me
In each video a moment was caught on film
Sometimes I was laughing
Sometimes I was speaking
Sometimes I was running on the beach
In one video I was building a snowman
In another I was sleeping
His favorite video was of me writing
He explained that he wanted me to see how beautiful I am
through his eyes
So he made me a movie

He built me a home
Every time I pointed out something about a house I liked
he would jot it down in a notebook
and he used what he wrote to build me the home of my dreams
He built it on land that overlooked a forest of pine trees
He purposely picked a location where it would snow every year
because he knew how much I love snow
He made the inside full of everything that makes me who I am
From colors to pictures to furniture
On the day he gave me the key he told me
that he wanted to give me a safe place to call my own
So he built me a home

He wrote me a song
In the song he sang about all of the things in the world he found beautiful
how all of his dreams came true the day he met me
how whenever he was scared all he had to do was look at me
and all of his anxiety
all of his depression
all of his demons would just disappear
In the introduction
he told me he never wanted me to ever doubt his love for me
So he wrote me a song

He made me a T-shirt
It was too big for me
He made it my favorite color
on the front he imprinted lyrics from my favorite song
He sprayed his cologne on it so it smelt like him
He said he wanted me to have something to wear
in case I missed him while he was out of town
So he made me a T-shirt

He gave me his heart
When we first met we didn't have anything to our names
All we knew was that we loved each other
and we wanted to be together
On the night he told me he loved me
he said the only thing he could give me in that moment
was something he never gave to any other woman
He said he trusted me to never break it
he offered his heart and I accepted it
When he died of a heart attack 50 years later
he had himself cremated
When his attorney came to his funeral
he explained he left a gift for me
It was a box with a diamond heart shaped necklace
filled with some of his ashes
with a note that read "I love you"
He left me his heart

We are sitting around a campfire
smoking some ****
We are both complicated people
who can't seem to find what we need
You take my hand into yours
and squeeze it just right
A tear slides down my cheek
as you ask me if I am alright
I tell you that I love you
and that I wish to be yours
Even though I know you want me too
I don't have it in me to love you like you deserve
Every moment spent with you is great
it's like living in a book that has never been published
But the fear of letting someone in
is far too much to process
I am so crazy about you
I look into your eyes and I know you want to kiss me
You won't though because you know me
you know about my fear and you respect me
Even if I was to let you in
I am a chaotic mess who will ***** you up
You deserve to be with someone
who won't **** your heart up
By now I'm hyperventilating
I am more than just sad
I am so disappointed to not let myself be
with the best man a woman could ever have

He said nobody likes you

That's why your surrounded by so many people who have seen you at your worst but they love you anyways because nobody likes you

He said your a two faced *****

That's why people respect you because your honest so that's why your two faced

They said your a mistake

That's why you have life because your a mistake

They said your not talented

That's why you have over 1,000 poems written and a duffle bag full of notebooks in your closet because your not talented

She said you were fat

That's why the doctor tells you your a healthy weight because your fat

They said your smile is ugly

That's why your smile shines in all of your pictures because your smile is ugly

They said your a *****

That why you have only slept with 3 people in your 21 years of life because your a *****

They told you to go **** yourself

They can't stand seeing you happy, alive and well. That's why they want you to **** yourself

They said your ugly

That's why you get so many compliments because your ugly

They said your a waste of space

That's why the world is so big because your a waste of space

They said your getting nowhere in life

That's why your in GED classes and have a job because your getting nowhere in life

They say your a freak

Their ****** because you won't do what they say so that's why your a freak

They say no one will ever love you

That's why guys ask you out because no one will love you

They say your Mom hates you

That's why she's always buying you stuff and giving you hugs because she hates you

They talk **** all the time

It's nothing but LIES, LIES AND LIES and the proof is in our faces everyday

If only we spent more time taking in the proof instead of focusing on the lies.

I am a magnet for psychotic women and ******* men
I can never seem to find healthy friendships or healthy relationships
In the past year I have had a war going on with two of the most unstable women I have ever met
One is a pathological liar and actress
the other one is crazy and dangerous
I have had three serious relationships with men
All three of them had problems
The first man was a pathological liar
The second man was a *** addict
The third man has Bipolar Disorder
I have my share of problems too
for most of my life I was sure I was going insane
Then I meet people like the ones I mentioned above
and I ask myself "what was I thinking?"
Although these people no longer have a place in my life
I find myself asking questions all of the time
Why do I always end up becoming close to crazy women?
Why do I fall in love with unstable men?
You would think I would be careful with who I let in
based on the previous history of my social life
Yet everyday my heart yearns for crazy
and I have no idea why

I'm so tired of fighting with you
I can't do it anymore
you won't even cuddle with me in bed
which is why I choose to sleep on the floor
You say you feel stuck with me
and you know that's not the case
it makes me so angry when you say that
to the point I can't even look at your face
If you don't want to be here anymore
just say so don't fake being happy all the time
of course I'll be sad if you go
but I swear I'll be just fine
I don't mind being alone
I just love having you around
but our fighting needs to stop
we need out of this circle in which we are both spinning around in
I will do my best to change my ways
but you got to know I'm not perfect
you need to be honest about your feelings
because I can't keep hurting
I don't like being mad at you
I don't like to argue
but when you tell me to "shut the **** up"
I don't know what else to do
I'm running out of ways to make you happy
I'm so stressed out now
What can I do to fix this?
I want us to be okay again
I want all of this fighting to stop
before I end up losing my best friend.

The day I fell in love with you
was the day my life changed forever
I knew from the moment you first kissed me
that we would be together forever
the first time you held my hand
I knew that hand was mind to hold forever
the first time I laid eyes on you
I knew you’d be part of my life forever
the first time you and I made love
I knew I would make love with you forever
the first time we took a road trip
I knew you’d be my travel buddy forever
when we said “I do” on our wedding day
I knew you’d be there for me forever
when we bought our first house
I knew I’d have a home with you forever
the first time we took a walk
I knew I’d walk with you forever
the first time I cried in front of you
I knew you’d catch my tears forever
the first time I told you “I love you”
I knew I’d love you forever
and years from now when our time is over
as the kids carry on our family name
I’ll sit with you on a cloud in heaven
still loving you forever

Time to get up
Make the bed
Let some sun shine through a window
Make some coffee
Take a shower as Taylor Swift plays on the stereo
Put on some jeans
Comb my hair
Put some lipstick on my lips
Read a chapter from a novel then run some errands
so my breakfast doesn't stick to my hips
Buy some groceries
Put them away
Write some poems until the boyfriend comes home
Wash some dishes
Watch a movie
Do anything that distracts me from feeling alone
Eat dinner
Have some wine
Cuddle and kiss babe on the couch
Eat some ice cream wearing nothing but his t-shirt
while I laugh to the point my cheeks hurt
It's 11:00 pm now
Time for bed
I lie down as his arms wrap around me
I let myself drift away
praying I don't get woken up by my anxiety

I know you probably don't want me here
I'm sorry I left you at the airport alone
I'm sorry for not answering  your calls
I'm sorry for letting you think I don't love you
The truth is I do love you
and saying that out loud scares the hell out of me
The last guy I said I love you to hurt me
he not only broke my heart but he shattered my self esteem by criticizing my body on social media
and picking at every flaw he once claimed to love
It took such a long time
for me to build myself up from my ex's mean words
If I tell you that I love you
I am allowing the walls around me to fall down
I am exposing a part of me I have hidden away
out of fear of rejection
I didn't plan this
I didn't expect to meet you
and when I did I had no idea I would fall for you
the way that I have
When I cry you don't get mad
you don't tell me what to do
or try to distract me from my tears
You respect my feelings and you just sit in the moment with me without me having to ask you to
It scares me when you tell me I'm beautiful
my ex he never did that and if he did compliment me
it was only to get into my pants
When you tell me I am beautiful
I know you're not just talking about my body
You see things about me no one else takes the time to see
and you adore those things about me
Like that one night during the blackout you came over
and filled my room with candles
and you purposely got the ones that smelled like Christmas trees
and you told me "I know how much you love the smell of pine trees" but I never told you that
so when I asked you how you knew that
you said "I could tell by the way your eyes lit up when we watched The Polar Express for the first time together."
You take time to notice things about me and that makes me uncomfortable because I am used to being ignored
I like how when I drive your car you have that CD labeled "Mandie's Favorites"
and on that disk is every song you ever caught me listening to on repeat
and you always leave money in the cup holder
so I can grab a coffee from Starbucks because you know how much I love my coffee
When you told me you loved me
I got scared and ran away because I am not used to being loved so much
Your actions say it all though
You don't even have to say the words because everything you do screams "I LOVE YOU"
It's like I am always on your mind
and it's amazing that out of all the women in the world
you chose me
I know you are not my ex
You are far from it
I'm sorry for assuming the worst
and holding you up to a negative standard
After some thinking I have come to realize that I love you
I'm in love with you
and there is nothing I can do about it anymore
You're everything I want
You broke through my walls without me noticing
You see my flaws and love them without fear
I don't want to be afraid of love
With you I'm not scared of anything
You give me the courage to be fearless
in a way I never have been before
You complete me in every possible way
and if I could spend the rest of my life with anyone
it would be you

When i think of all that's happened
and the people we used to be
I see now that we have changed
and you weren't the one for me
We tried so many times to make things work
but we continued to hit dead ends
all the constant fighting just drove us further apart
to the point we can't even be friends
I'm sad because I loved you
I'm angry at myself for wasting so much time
I wasted my life trying to be with you
to only find you will never be mine
In a way I'm glad things didn't work out
your no longer the man you used to be
you were never ready to catch me if I fell
and knowing that I'm okay we're done
because I fell out of love with you a long time ago
and I don't miss you at all.

I am looking forward to the day
when I will stop being judged
just for breathing.

I loved you
I loved you with a passion so strong
I was convinced it would **** me if I wasn't careful
I saw a future with you
The future I saw was so beautiful
no novel, no painting
no song, no photograph
could capture in perfect detail what I saw
There was so much I wanted with you
I wanted the makeout sessions in a room full of candlelight
I wanted to wear my best lipstick
with a tight dress and not feel insecure
when you stared at me in wonder
I wanted to let you strip me naked
and make love to me with the lights on
while letting you touch my most insecure places
and it would be okay because you found me
to be beautiful no matter what
I wanted to meet your family
and see where you came from
I wanted to answer the hard questions
your family would of asked me
to determine if I was the person worthy enough
to possibly spend your future with
I wanted the cheesy compliments
the late night fast food runs
and the petty arguments when we were both too tired
I wanted to say "yes" in tears
while you placed a diamond on my finger
and I wanted to say "I do" in a room full of people
as we came together as one
I wanted to live with you in a big house
we would deck out for the holidays
and one day fill with babies who were made up
of pure love created by you and me
I wanted to gain wrinkles and gray hair with you
as we reminisced about all of the things
we accomplished together
I wanted all of that
I wanted it so badly I could taste it
but I got scared
I felt it all
I saw it all
I knew all that I wanted with you was possible
and I freaked out
I panicked
I shut down and pushed you away
knowing deep inside I was throwing away
every dream I had with you
I began making excuses of why I
wasn't good enough to be be all of the things
we both knew I would be great at
I allowed my insecurities to take over
and keep you from loving me
the way you wanted to love me
You were patient with me
You tried to be understanding
until you had enough
You let me go and you had every right to
You once told me that loving me
was your favorite thing to do
You wanted to build with me
grow with me and share your life with me
You couldn't wait to make certain dreams come true
You were so happy
until I broke you
I broke your dreams
I broke our dreams because I was scared
If I could go back in time
I wouldn't turn away everytime you tried to kiss me in public
I wouldn't stop you from running your hands on my body
as I got dressed for bed
I wouldn't make excuses not to meet your family
when I had the opportunity to
I wouldn't have switched the topic
whenever you brought up marriage and children
I wouldn't have allowed my insecurities
to convince me that every wonderful thing
you said to me was a lie
I would let you love me
and stop trying to control everything
I wouldn't allow my fear of happiness
to build up the walls that would eventually
tear us apart
If I had a second chance with you
I would take it in a heartbeat
I wouldn't run
I'd stay and love you
the way I have always wanted to love you

Come a little closer
there is nothing to fear
I have been inside you since your birth
I am that tiny voice speaking in your ear
I am not the devil
I am not a ghost
I am not a figment of your imagination
I am a part of your soul
I hold all of your passions
I keep them safe day in and day out
When you feel you have nothing to offer the world
I remind you what I am all about
I am the mother of your talents
I am the father of your challenges
I am the spark in your eye
I am what causes your heart to beat with happiness
I am the thing you fear the most
because you are the only one who can see me
Only you have the power to reach inside yourself
and release me
I am the goosebumps on your arm
I am your purpose here on earth
I am everything you want in life and more
I am your dream
knocking patiently on your door

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to take
Save me from this living hell
or watch me drown in a wishing well
Take the voices, take the pain
Take my blood, take everything
Once I go to sleep
don't let me wake up
Just let me die

Yours truly,

****** UP

In high school I was invisible to you
I was the girl you laughed at with your friends
Every time I saw you in the hallways
the hair on my hand would stand
I was self conscious and insecure
because of the mean things you said to me
Now a couple years later
you find me on Facebook and now I'm suddenly pretty
You send me a friend request  out of the blue
with a message reading "hey"
You're on your computer hoping I respond
and here I am feeling like that high school girl
you wished would go away
Knowing this I message you back
asking if you remember me
You type back "no" so I thought I would take the time
to refresh your memory
I send you a photo of myself from high school
my computer doesn't make noise for an hour
After fifteen minutes of waiting
I log off and go take a shower
When I come back and log back on
there is a notification from you
It's a message with the subject "I'm An Idiot"
and I read what you had to say

"I do remember who you are
you are the girl I used to pick on
I made school unbearable for you
I know what I did was wrong
I thought I was someone cool
because I fit in with the cool kids
I had no knowledge of the damage I caused you
I was nothing but a complete *******
I am really sorry for how I treated you
I'm not just saying this to get into your pants
I would really like to get to know you
if not romantically then just as friends
You are really a beautiful woman
I'm ashamed I didn't see that before
I would completely understand
if you don't want me to message you anymore
Please forgive me for my actions
I hope life is treating you well
I am truly sorry
for making your high school experience hell."

I sit in silence for a little bit
going over what I just read
I close my eyes and hold back tears
as I go over everything he just said
I've forgiven this man a long time ago
thinking this day would never happen
Despite the way he used to act
I did have a bit of a crush on him
After thinking of what to write back
I reply

"Yes I forgive ya
but if you really want to make it up to me
you're going to have to buy me pizza."

I live with a roommate who doesn't understand the word space
This roommate is at my work
It follows me to my friend's house
It hovers over me at family get together's
It sleeps with me in bed and accompanies me in the shower
I have named it Annoying because that is what it is
The other day Annoying followed me to a job interview
During the interview Annoying had me so nervous
I was physically shaking and the man interviewing me
would not stop looking at me funny
I was so embarrassed
When I left the interview I walked to the bowling alley
to meet up with my mom and grandma
As I watched my grandma bowl
Annoying sat next to me telling me in my ear how everyone at the bowling alley
was judging me and thinking I was a loser
After bowling the three of us went out to lunch
Seeing all of those people in the restaurant made me want to throw up
It took everything in me to swallow what was coming up
I did it so fast that the swallowing hurt
but I did not want to worry mom and grandma
so I put on a smile and pretended that I was okay
Try hanging out with your friends at a party
Your favorite song is playing
You want to dance
Everyone wants to say hello and give you a hug but
you can't hug anyone because Annoying won't let you
Instead Annoying punches you so hard in the stomach
you have to run to the bathroom to throw up
You're so humiliated and upset
but there is nothing you can do because Annoying is not a person
Anxiety has no face

I decided to make some changes for myself
starting with my social life
It seems that whenever I trust somebody
I end up paying some sort of price
I need to start doing good in school
I cannot keep ******* around
When the pressure is high and life is out of control
I gotta keep my feet on the ground
I need to do more physically
I sit around too much
I need to start hanging out with more people
that way I do not turn into an unsocial nut
I need to start reaching my goals
they are very important to me
I need to think more about my future
there is so much that I want to see
I need to change my attitude  
I am turning into a *****
I need to stop being jealous of others
I am too old to be throwing any fits
I need to start making changes now
there is no better time than the present
I need to start setting up a life for myself
and drop all of my bad habits
I need to be a better friend
before I lose someone very important
When my friends make stupid life long decisions
it is my job to love them, not judge them
I need to re-think about a lot of things
I am starting to hate the person I am becoming
I need to catch myself before I fall too hard
and forever lose myself

When I opened my eyes this morning
I cursed at God for waking me up
It ***** living in this world
when you're an absolute **** up
Before I go to sleep at night
I pray to God to take me home
or at least put me in a coma
that way people could leave me alone
Everyday that I live is a day that I hate
I'm counting down the days until I die
and I honestly cannot wait
Not only will people be happier
because I won't be around to make their lives hell
I won't be suffering with this depression
that I don't handle very well
Everyday is torture
no one understands
that the heart that keeps me alive
is like a ball of glass
One drop and it's shattered
into pieces I can't put back together
Even if I tried to fix it
I'll be stuck fixing it forever
Life is no adrenaline rush for me
it's like eating a bad egg and throwing up
It ***** living in a world
where everyone considers you a **** up

Your heart will always lead you to where you need to be. Your mind has a tendency to make up things and make you believe things that are not even a real issue. Why would you follow something that sends mixed signals when you can trust something that will never let you down?

I have figured out my problem
at least I would like to think that I have
I have an odd obsession with time, age,
and things that have gone wrong in my past
I am so terrified of the past repeating itself
I can't enjoy the present moment
I am so unsure of what I want for my future
so I just sit around worrying about it
I need to understand that I have time to figure things out
I know I am not guaranteed a tomorrow
but I can't spend all of my time stressing
I am twenty-three years old
I can't expect myself to have all of the answers
yet I do
When I remind myself of my age
I feel guilty and angry for not being as far in life
as most people my age are
It is my fault for being where I am
I don't want all of the normal things most people want
I want to travel and see the world
not stay stuck at home raising babies
I made a promise to myself a long time ago
that I wouldn't be like everyone else
I wasn't going to allow myself to feel stupid
for wanting other things people think are impossible
I broke that promise
by breaking that promise I allowed myself
to open the door to a past I was
trying so hard not to repeat
I let my depression get the best of me
I let other people's doubts come between me and my dreams
I looked through the eyes of someone who never dared to dream
and I died
At least I thought that I had died
I stopped believing in things that
only happen in movies and I was miserable
Maybe I am crazy and immature to believe in such silly things
at least I believe in something
The world through my eyes may look silly
but at least I have a reason to get out of bed every morning

The world says I'm ugly
I say I'm beautiful
The world says I'm stupid
I say I'm smart
The world says I'm fat
I say I'm pretty ****
The world says I'm lame
I say I'm interesting
The world says I'm a *****
I say I'm tough
The world says I'm weak
I say I'm strong
The world says I'm nothing
I say their hilarious
The world says I'm weird
I say I'm unique
The world says I'm a freak
I say I'm different
The world says I'm too much to handle
I say they can't take a challenge
The world says I'm heartless
I call it not putting up with *******
The world says I'm a ****
I say their just jealous
The world says no one will love me
I say Mr. right hasn't shown up yet
The world says to **** myself
I say keep going
The world tells me to change
I say "HELL NO" and continue to be myself
The world says I'm not perfect
I say "so...neither are you"

I woke up in the middle of the night
with my phone going off like crazy
I sat up in my bed and answered
still sounding a bit hazy
It took me a minute to recognize the voice
on the other end of the line
When it hit me as to who was speaking
I almost started to cry
It was the man I gave my heart to a long time ago
I never thought we would speak again
We haven't spoken in four years
even though we promised to remain friends
I sat in silence for a minute
unsure of what to say
He cleared his throat then spoke
and my heart began to race away
All he said was that he was sorry
then it was silence again
I asked what he was sorry for
he took in a deep breath and said
"I'm sorry for realizing too late
how much you mean to me
I love you, I want to be with you
I was just too before stubborn to admit that."
He said he had to go
so he hung up the phone
I sat with quiet tears running down my cheeks
hoping not to wake my husband sleeping next to me

Today my world fell apart
one of my best friends died
As soon as I heard the news
all I wanted to do was cry
I felt my body go numb
in the person's arms who was holding me
I felt my tears fall to the floor like rain
as I sat there on my knees
As I walked home from school that day
I felt a raindrop on my head
I think about my last moments with my friend
and all of the things he said
He was the first one I went to
whenever I needed to cry
When I felt stupid about a challenge
he would always encourage me to try
His death was so unexpected
he was just here yesterday
How can someone you hugged twenty four hours ago
just simply go away
Where do I go from here now
my life was revolved around him
Now I am here to live life alone
and I really, really miss him
As I get home and walk into my room
the rain falls outside in a rush
I sit in the dark and cry into my pillow
imagining his touch
All that is running through my head right now
is how life used to be
How I lost my best friend
who was a special part of me

"Do you like me?"
was the question I asked you
We were sitting on my bed watching television
and I just had to know the answer to that question
I was so scared to hear your response
I thought you would say "no"
Instead you said "yes"
which made my heart hopeful
I have liked you for quite some time
I never imagined you ever liking me back
I am so used to being rejected
I was sure I would never have a shot with you
It still takes me by surprise that you are my boyfriend
It's all that I think about when we are on a date
Feeling your hand in mine is so surreal
it feels like a kiss from fate
I really enjoy your company
you leave butterflies in my tummy
Your kisses are like that first bite of cheesecake
your hugs are sweeter than honey
I am so blessed to call you mine
you make me so happy
My only hope is that I make you happy too

You know that feeling you get sometimes
where it feels like you want to explode?
You feel the need to burst and it's not because you're angry
you just have this sudden creative urge to say something
be it through writing, music, art, photography, etc.
It's the feeling that makes holding a cup of coffee in the morning difficult because your hands are shaking,
it's the feeling you get when you hear a song you really like on the radio and you can't help but dance to it,
or the feeling you get when you see your lover wearing a specific shirt that makes him look so **** and all you want to do is rip his clothes off wherever you are and just break free?
You think you are going crazy but you're not.
That feeling you feel,
that burning, can't sit still, aching need to express yourself
is not a sign of craziness.
That's passion!
When it knocks on the door to your heart you need to let it in,
give into it,
let it guide you,
let it teach you,
let it change you,
let it take you on the best adventure you have ever been on.
If you choose to ignore your passion
it's voice will get louder and louder.
It demands to be heard and it demands to be set free.
Passion is a lot like love.
It finds you when you least expect it,
it fills your heart with happiness
and it changes you for the better.
Do not ever try to quiet your passion.
Embrace it, make love with it, fire it up and let it do it's wonders.
Let it open you up to possibilities you never thought existed.
You were given your passion for a reason.
Do not let fear of failure or the opinions of others have control of it.

I never knew what faith was
until I had to practice it when Dad was ill
I never knew depression
until the word "death" no longer scared me
I never felt abuse
until my Dad laid a hand on me
I never felt loneliness
until my best friend Joey passed away
I never understood addiction
until feeling a razor slicing my skin got me high
I never understood sadness
until I learned the meaning of goodbye
I never experienced a broken heart
until I was told the words "I never loved you"
I never experienced abandonment
until I knew where my Father really was the day I was born
I never experienced love
until I learned what accepting an individual flaws and all truly meant
I never fell in love until I practiced the word "sacrifice"
I never saw true beauty
until I held my nieces in my arms for the first time
I never knew what happiness was
until the day I began to follow my heart
I never found my passion
until I created magic with a pen
I never felt peace
until I let of things that were out of my control
I have never felt blessed
until I realized what money couldn't buy
I have never felt more alive
until I understood how precious and short life really is.

I saw you in my room last night
You were sitting on the edge of my bed
Stroking my hair
You kept telling me how beautiful I looked
For a minute it was as if you never passed away
I could see in your eyes that you were worried about me
I haven't been well since I laid you to rest
Seeing you in your coffin
touching your hands that once held mine so tightly
as we walked the strip in Las Vegas
Do you remember that day?
It was a spur of the moment thing
We just got into the car and drove
We held onto each other so tightly
as we walked looking at everything Vegas had to offer
That was the night we got married
It was so out of the blue but I knew when you proposed to me
that I was making the right choice by saying yes
Everyone thought that we were crazy
Maybe we were
But I have never been so crazy about another human being before
Being with you was like heaven on earth
You were romantic
You were kind
You were wonderful to me
Then you died
In the blink of an eye it was all over
One hit by a drunk driver and you were gone
I was left with more than a broken arm and a couple of stitches
I was left with a shattered heart
I was left with guilt for surviving
I was left with depression because I ached for you
I was left with fear because I forgot how to live without you
I cried so hard when I woke up in that hospital room
I called out your name but you didn't answer
I felt lost
I felt incomplete
I reached for you in my dreams but you weren't there
When your Mother told me that you had passed
my heart ached so badly that I went into cardiac arrest
I hoped to be with you
but the Lord wouldn't take me

It has been three months since that accident
I have lost weight because I can't eat
I hurt from lying in bed all day because I have no energy to do anything
I know you're angry at me
This isn't who I am
To dwell on pain and let life pass me by
That was never us
We lived
We lived for the moments that people dreamed about
We made love under the stars
We kissed in thunderstorms
our hearts collided and time froze still just for us
That's all over now
As I watch you on the edge of my bed
I want so badly to hold you
I want to be in your arms
I want to feel safe again
You won't hold me
You want me to let you go
You want me to be happy
You tell me we will be together again
as you kiss my forehead
I watch you go to heaven
as an angel holds me and lets me cry into her chest

I don't mind you staring at me
You see into my soul
You see the parts of me I try so hard to hide
The way you stare at me is intense
You don't blink
You yearn to know more
Every time you look at me
You fall in love with my heart over and over again
You want to know what makes me cry
You want to know what makes me laugh
You want to know all of the things that inspire my writing
You don't care about what's underneath my clothes
You want to know the things that can't be seen with normal eyes
You see all of the ugly parts of me
and you continue to stay
You stay because you love me
You love the real me
The me that only you can see

She is like the snow
cold yet beautiful
She is like the sun
hot but her smile warms your heart
She is like the rain
sad yet she keeps going despite the heaviness she carries
She is a volcano ready to erupt
not with anger but with passion
She is like a star
invisible yet always there
She is like the wind
annoying yet she blows peoples minds
She is laughter
the kind of laughter that makes it hard to breathe
She is fire
she seems dangerous but has skills most people overlook
She is a dream
the kind of dream you never want to wake up from
She is madness
but she can relate to all kinds of hell
She is strange
yet safe like a strong hug
She is insecure
but she takes risks everyday
She is the song that you listen to on repeat
she is the dreamer everyone wishes they could be
She is perfection in God's eyes
she is me

I was on a beach
The sky was grey yet no rain was in sight
There were seven other people on the beach with me
each one minding their own business
I was sitting in the sand
allowing my hands and feet to soak up the warmth the sand provided
I looked out into the ocean and noticed the water start to tremble
The trembling now reached the shore
and I felt myself tremble as well
It felt like an earthquake
The seven people began running off of the beach
I just sat there clueless to what was happening
All of a sudden I heard screams
I turned to my right and watched half of the beach fall away
taking the seven people with it
I stood up to run but I was forced to stop
as the remainder of the beach fell away
leaving me stranded on a giant cliff
There was nothing but water below me
with icebergs clinking against each other
The cliff I was standing on slowly began to crumble beneath my feet
I had no where to go
there was nothing I could do
Finally the rest of the cliff fell taking me with it
I fell in slow motion
I attempted to scream but I was silenced
when I let go of the possibility of surviving this nightmare
I landed in the water
my head hitting the corner of an iceberg
I floated in the ocean
as blood poured from the **** on my head

Five years ago I fell in love

I met a man with blondish hair,
blue/green eyes
and a smile that could make any human heart race like crazy
I had no idea that man I met would come into my life and stay

Four years ago I fell in love

I developed a crush on the same man I met
but his heart was taken by another woman
I had it set into my mind that because of this
I would never get the chance to be with him
Little did I know that fate had other plans

Three years ago I fell in love

This man and I became the best of friends
We have long conversations about topics most people in the world choose to ignore
We laugh all of the time
and when something good happens in my life
he is the first person I want to tell

Two years ago I fell in love

This man told me a secret
one that would only make me fall for him even more
I found that I could trust him with things
that I never had the courage to share with other people
I started to get to know this man on a deeper level
and I saw a side of him that made me want to do nothing but kiss him

One year ago I fell in love

My feelings for this man were getting stronger
It was to the point I couldn't be in the same room with him
without wanting to pour my heart out to him
My fear of rejection and opening up my heart
after being hurt so many times was beginning to cause conflict
I wanted to take the risk
but I was stuck

Four months ago I fell in love

I couldn't hold back any longer
so I told that man how I felt
When he confessed that he felt the same way
all of the fear I was carrying vanished
I felt free

This morning I fell in love

I am looking at the man I fell in love with five years ago
and it still feels like I am looking at him for the first time
Every minute spent with him is a blessing
Every day I get to kiss him and hug him
is another day I get to spend being grateful that this man
is a man who has chosen to love me
This man broke down all of my walls with a simple "hello"

This very minute I am falling in love
and in a second I will be falling in love all over again

I am more than crazy
I am ******* insane
The only reason why that is such a problem for you is because the fact that I am so different from you scares the hell out of you
If you stopped being a follower and be your own person
maybe
just maybe
people such as myself would not intimidate you so much

You have been gone for three years now
so much has changed
It feels like everything fell apart once you died
Your death still gets to me
My heart breaks whenever I think of you
Hearing your name brings tears to my eyes sometimes
I feel so much guilt
for never fixing whatever it was that got us to fight so much
It wasn't anything you did
It was me
I was a teenager so angry at the world
I pushed away everyone including my best friend
I feel like such a hypocrite for missing you
I don't feel like I deserve to miss you
after the way I treated you the last time I saw you in person
I told you to *******
I was angry that you were back on drugs again
I wanted the guy who used to laugh with me in church
I wanted the person you used to be
I wanted the person you were back when we were eight years old
just being kids
I wanted life to go back to the way it was
before puberty, love and drugs ****** everything up
Maybe I was mad at myself for wishing for such a ridiculous thing
Maybe I was just a selfish little *****
who only gave a **** about her boyfriend at the time
On nights like tonight I just sit here and cry
because I miss you
I miss you so much I feel like I am slowly dying
Since your death I keep everyone at arms length
I am so scared I will forget your existence
if I allow myself to get too close to anybody
I really hope you knew how much I loved you
I really hope you knew how much I cared for you
even when I was mad at you
I am sorry for how I treated you the last time I saw you
Please forgive me

One Monday afternoon
I found a quarter on the sidewalk
the state on it read Illinois
I didn't think anything of it
so I put it in my pocket
I went to the grocery store
I was craving ice cream really bad
I got my change back in quarters
Each one had the state of Illinois on them
I was watching television late that night
distracted by a movie filmed long ago
Out of nowhere my movie was interrupted
by a commercial advertising the sights of Chicago

The next morning while driving to work
I was in a heated discussion with a friend
As I stopped at a red light
the radio blasted that Chicago commercial again
As my week went on it seemed that signs of Chicago were everywhere
On Tuesday we got a shipment of Chicago Cubs merchandise
at the store I work at which was very rare
On Wednesday I got an e-mail newsletter
from my favorite bands website
It said on Saturday at 8 pm
they would be playing in Chicago that night
On Thursday night I closed up the store
and bumped into a man
He said "I'm sorry for my rudeness
us Chicago folk can be clumsy sometimes"
On Friday I booked a flight to go see a friend in New York
halfway into my flight it started to snow
So the plane made an emergency exit
as the captain announced we would be landing in Chicago
I wouldn't be able to go to New York until Saturday
meaning I had to stay the night
I got a room at a hotel
and stayed up all night watching the snow fall outside

Saturday morning Chicago was pure white
no flights were happening that day
I knew I wasn't going home soon
so I decided to explore Chicago
As I was crossing the street to get to a museum
I slipped on some ice
a man about my age caught my fall
and asked me if I was alright
I couldn't give him an answer
he was completely gorgeous from head to toe
After he walked me to the nearest sidewalk
he let me go
After my museum visit
I went to Starbucks for a Peppermint Mocha
In line behind me was that same man
who had me in his arms an hour earlier
We got into a discussion
about things we were passionate about
He wrote songs for a living
while I struggled as a poetry writer
He asked me to write a song with him
I said that I would
We went back to his place and spent the rest of the day
writing as many songs as we could

When the moon greeted the sky
he asked me out to dinner
I was enjoying his company way too much
so I said yes
We ended up going out for pizza and beer
I laughed like I never had before
He walked me back to my hotel
once we were there it started to snow
He asked me if he could see me again
I told him I was leaving town tomorrow
He said "That's a shame"
then gave me his number with a smile so beautiful
Once I was in my hotel room
my laptop set off a ding
I got an e-mail from a publishing company
so I decided to give them a ring
The company wanted to publish me
they liked my style of poetry
They wanted to meet with me right away
I told them that was possible
I asked them where they were located
their response made me freeze like snow
I hung up as I looked outside
to welcome my new home which was now Chicago



As a believer in signs I think when we feel lost the universe has a way of giving us signs to let us know we are on the right track. When we ignore these signs, life has a way of forcing us to pay attention to these signs. This poem is complete fiction but I do believe that the things I mentioned could possibly happy. Chicago is one of my favorite places on earth. I rarely write about it so that is why I chose Chicago as the scene for this poem.

He doesn't allow me to pay for dinner
that is something I have to get used to
He tells me I am beautiful every chance he gets
that is another thing I have to get used to
He always texts me back first chance he gets
he always picks up the phone when I call
When I have an anxiety attack he doesn't get frustrated
he holds me and reminds me that I am not alone
He shares poetic things to my wall on Facebook
because he knows how much I love poetry
He watches me as I write
he says he finds my passion interesting
He lets me pick the music in his car
since he knows music calms me down
He always holds my hand when we are sitting together
and cuddles me when we're lying down
He is the type of man who will spend Friday nights
watching Netflix while eating pizza
He is the type that will listen to you
as you go on and on about absolutely nothing
He is the kind of man who won't play with your heart
he will keep it safe right next to his
He is what every woman is looking for in a man
he is my boyfriend and I adore him