Sometimes I wish I was dead
these tears that I have are getting too old to shed
Whenever you're gone
something tells me you're not alone
I can't reach you on the computer
and you won't pick up your phone
What are you doing when I'm not around?
Thinking of you being unfaithful
makes it impossible to hear any sound
It hurts me inside to think badly of you
but the stories you have been telling me lately
just seem so untrue
Even when we hug
you smell different to me
You smell like alcohol and ****
the perfume on you doesn't smell like me
Even when we're together
you forget what I like
I point these suspicions out to you
then you get mad and we fight
I'm sick of the only one
who is doing her part
If your unhappy just tell me
don't keep breaking my heart
I can't go on like this
this fear is driving me crazy
just answer me honestly
are you cheating on me?

You always tell me what to do
I'll never do what you want me to
You don't make me happy
you make me mad
You ignore me when I talk
and you laugh when I'm sad
I do all the work in the relationship we have
You don't care about us
or anything that we have
I yell and I scream
so you can understand me
but it's making me sick
because you never listen to me
If you really care for me
you would try to be there
but all your proving to me is that you don't care
So tell me what you want
because I need to move on
I can't believe your an ***
I can no longer hold on

I am so in love with you I want to scream
I am so glad I found you
it makes me gleam
The smile on my face says it all
you make me feel strong so I can stand tall
You kidnapped my heart
and it feels so great
You're there to hold me and catch me at any rate
Your love for me makes me blush
when you hold my hand I get an adrenaline rush
The things you say to me make me feel special
the things you do for me are so wonderful
I can do anything when you're around
you pick me up from the cold when I fall to the ground
I can't believe I have you
I love you so much
I love you even more every time we touch
You are my soulmate
you take my breath away
I love you so very much
marry me today


I wrote this for the man I had my first real relationship with. I was 16 years old. I hope to feel this way again one day when I fall in love with my true soul mate.

I need to go away from here
I'm starting to go insane
I need to go far away
so I can release this pain
I don't want to worry about tomorrow
I don't want to talk to anyone
I want to hear nothing whatsoever
I just want this day to be done
Why does my head hurt so much?
The pills I take are not working
Why can't I stop panicking?
I feel like my brain is bleeding
The noises I hear are getting louder
I need to go for a walk
I need everybody to leave me alone
I don't want anyone to talk
I take more pills that I don't want to take
but my head hurts some more
I leave my house and I want to puke
I don't want to hurt anymore
My hands are sore I sit down and I start to cry
if this headache does not go away soon
I'm gonna have to say goodbye

They call me ugly
They call me fat
They call me pathetic
They call me a ***
They call me depressing
They call me a cutter
They call me useless
They call me a *******
They call me anti-social
They call me dumb
They call me weird
They call me numb
They call me stupid
They call me a ****
They call me a poser
They call me a nut
They call me a fake
They call me thick
They call me a follower
They call me a *****
They call me all of these names
Yet they don't even know me
but every name they call me
pushes me further to success.

Their talking to me
they won't go away
They tell me bad things
every single day
They laugh at me
you should hear what they say
They take away my energy
and make it hard to talk
They torment me
they make it hard to stand
They leave me lonely
so no one can hold my hand
They call me names
and tell me to die
So I sit at my desk
and write my last goodbye
They keep on talking
they won't stop
Their breaKING mY heaRT
and THey Won'T stop
They KEEp ON TALKING
I WANT THEM TO STOP
I KEEP HEARING VOICES
PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!!!!

They call her fat
but she's really not
She's actually really pretty
in fact she's hot
They make her feel stupid
and embarrassed to show her skin
Because of their words
her weight is growing thin
She's so unhappy
you should see her face
She wants to breathe
and get away from this place
There's no one else she can talk to
nobody cares
So she keeps losing weight
because nobody cares
You have no idea how this girl feels
when she has problems
Starving and cutting is how she deals
She just wants to die
she's suffocating anyways
and they still call her fat
every single day.

Dear Amanda,

Your 14 years old now. Your at that age where you're starting to get the hang of teenage life. It's confusing I know but it gets better. In five years you will be 18 years old. In the next five years you're going to go through things and feel things you never thought possible. You're different. The way you dress, the way you act and the way you interpret things are very different than everyone else. So different that your parents will think there is something wrong with you. Your parents might tell you to change or try to make you change into something you don't want to be. They might even think you're possessed by the devil. DON'T CHANGE! No matter what do not change. Your step dad will be really mean to you. Your going to do things to yourself as a way to release stress. The person you are, your the way you are because you'll make a difference in this world. You're unique. Don't do what others want you to do. Others will try to bring you down but just shrug it off. Half of those people don't know you. Why should you impress them? Be happy to be you. If others don't like you too bad then they don't have to hang out with you.
  Secondly, don't worry about the friends you lose. When you lose a friend due to some 24 hour drama someone else always comes along and if that person is meant to stay in your life then they won't ever go anywhere.
  Third, when your sixteen you'll be engaged for a year. He'll break your heart when your seventeen but you'll get over it soon. Enjoy every minute you have with him but don't be too obsessed with him because then you'll push him away. When he breaks your heart it won't be your fault. You'll cry, you'll feel alone and broken but lean on friends. True friends will help you get over him. Once you lose him let him go. Eventually someone else will come along who is so much better and who knows, he might be the one but don't get engaged until your 25 this time. You'll be better off. Trust me.


This was an English assignment I had to do when I was a sophomore in High School. I had to write a letter to my 14 year old self from my 17 year old self talking about things that were going to happen in the next five years all the while giving advice to my past self. Advice I wish I had at the time I was going through these things.

When you lose someone you love
life changes in so many ways
The holidays are cold
and you just count the days
It's hard to sleep at night
because your afraid of becoming weak
You just want someone to hold you
and listen to you as you speak
You smile like your fine
but your crying deep inside
You don't want to shut down
but you want to commit suicide
You want life to move on
but your lonely and you can't explain it
You try to be positive
but you can't get over it
When you think about the one you lost
you smile at the past
You smile because you knew them
but you cry because their time came too fast
Time just goes slow
you feel out of control
You feel empty and mad
the love you once had no longer grows
I've never lost a person to death
but I can imagine how it feels
I'd long for that person forever
and I'd take my time to heal
Everyone has their limit on earth
God has known their life since birth
You just need to let God take them home
and you will see them again when it's your time to go

I woke up this morning
with rain on my window
there was blood on my arms
and dried tears on my pillow
The knife that I used was sleeping on the floor
I looked at the clock
it was a quarter to four
Marilyn Manson was still playing as I got out of bed
thoughts of last night were hurting my head
My depression kicked in as I turned the music off
I felt ***** in my throat as I tried to cough
It is now five in the morning
I'm taking a shower
I'm starting to get cold
I've been showering for an hour
I step out of the tub
and I get the urge to cut
instead I slip on water
and fall on my ****

...................................

I woke up this morning
there's snow on my window
there are poems on the floor
and blood on my pillow
My heart starts to pound
and I start to cry
as I thank the Lord
for saving me from suicide

I can't give you a million dollars
but I can support you in your decisions
I can't buy you a car
but I can walk with you for miles
I can't stop you from bleeding
but I can hold your hand through the pain
I'll be happy to give you advice
but I admit I don't know everything
I can't heal your broken heart
but I can hold you while you cry
I can't stop the bad that happens in your life
but I can stand by your side
I can't succeed for you
but I can cheer you on every step of the way
I'm also there to talk on the phone
if I can't see you everyday
I can't go back with you to your past
but I can move forward with you to your future
I can't control the mean things others say to you
but I can tell you that they don't matter
I can't make you love yourself
but I can remind you of all the greatness I see
I can't always make you feel better
but I can try if you let me
I can't make things easier
on days when life is hard
but I can love you to my fullest
because I'm your best friend and that's my job.

I can't get you out of my mind
it's driving me insane
It seems whenever you're around me
my heart feels no pain
Even though we are not a couple
it feels like we are
I don't see why you won't go out with me
after we have made it this far
I realize you got her pregnant
you feel obligated to stay with her
but she's going around cheating on you
why would you waste your time with her?
I would never do that to you
your too important to me to hurt
I would be so faithful to you
I would even forget how to flirt
I bet you think I'm crazy
and although my words don't mean ****
If you keep going back to her
disappointment is all you will get
I can make you happier
I don't lie all the time like she does
I would be honest about everything
and I would never use the term "Just Because"
I have days where I think you love me
then I have days where I think you don't
All I want is for you to make me yours
but for some reason you won't
I can't wait around forever
you're going to have to figure out what you want
I'm not playing this game anymore
you either want me or you don't

Love is dead to me
I got no love to give
I feel nothing from a hug
I don't even have strength to forgive
I think of the word love
and it makes me sick
I get nauseous in my throat
all I want to do is spit
Hand holding and kissing are not my thing
anniversaries and hearts on paper don't mean anything
Those are things you do and have
to keep the other person around
That isn't love
that's like playing music with no sound
There is more to love than people realize
it's not all fun and games
Love is making each other happy
and taking each other's pain away
Love is doing your best
just to see the other person smile
Love is being faithful to each other
if one has to go away for awhile
Love is being strong
when the other person is sad
Love is being there for each other
even when times are bad
Love is not giving up
when one makes a mistake
Love is trying something new
taking a risk not a lot of people take
Love is admitting you have fears
and letting the other person help you face them
Love is thinking someone is amazing
without having to know everything about them
Love is a forever thing
Love isn't quiet
no one should say "I Love You"
unless they really mean it
Love is sticking together in situations that are tough
Love is knowing the other person loves you despite what others say and do
and that should be enough

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to take
Save me from this living hell
or watch me drown in a wishing well
Take the voices, take the pain
Take my blood, take everything
Once I go to sleep
don't let me wake up
Just let me die

Yours truly,

****** UP

When I opened my eyes this morning
I cursed at God for waking me up
It ***** living in this world
when you're an absolute **** up
Before I go to sleep at night
I pray to God to take me home
or at least put me in a coma
that way people could leave me alone
Everyday that I live is a day that I hate
I'm counting down the days until I die
and I honestly cannot wait
Not only will people be happier
because I won't be around to make their lives hell
I won't be suffering with this depression
that I don't handle very well
Everyday is torture
no one understands
that the heart that keeps me alive
is like a ball of glass
One drop and it's shattered
into pieces I can't put back together
Even if I tried to fix it
I'll be stuck fixing it forever
Life is no adrenaline rush for me
it's like eating a bad egg and throwing up
It ***** living in a world
where everyone considers you a **** up

I'm changing in ways I never thought would happen
who I used to be is gone
I went from this happy angel to depressed and broken
I don't know what went wrong
From my hair to my clothes to my personality to my attitude
all that seemed to change
Others complain about how I turned out
I love the results and that's strange
Sadness is not an emotion to me
it's something I deal with everyday
I hold it in on a daily basis
hoping it will go away
No matter where I go
no matter what I do
my sadness will stay in it's place
until I decide to release it by letting tears roll down my face
I'm learning to let things go
it's a process in the making
I'm risking losing certain people
but it's a risk worth taking
I never thought I'd see the day
where sadness didn't exist
That day will come eventually
and it's a day I refuse to miss

You sag your pants
I prefer mine tight
You wear beanies on your head
I wear my hair spiked high
You wear shoes bigger than my face
I prefer my small converse
You like to go out everyday
I like to stay home underneath the covers
You like to get things done quick
I procrastinate
You're impatient when waiting to take showers
while I can wait for hours
You like naked women on your bedroom walls
I prefer song lyrics
You like to talk about your day
I love hearing about it
You like to think about things
I like to jump to conclusions
you know why you do the things you do
whereas I never have a reason
You like things neat
I like a little mess here or there
You worry about what others think
I simply just don't care
We are total opposites
people like us normally fight
Instead we get along so well
we can stand to sleep together at night
We can spend hours together
and spend our time wonderfully
It's amazing to me how two different people
can mesh together so perfectly

I woke up feeling frustrated today
a part of me just exploded
I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me
so I freaked out and cried
I wouldn't let anyone be there for me
I just wanted to be left alone
As I went for a walk for six hours straight
I didn't even pick up my phone
People get mad at me because they can't understand me
not even my Mother does
The way I act, the things I wear
I do just because
I don't go out to impress anyone
if anything people should impress me
I don't let others in so easily
so thank your lucky stars if you know me
I'm not hear to make things easier for others
I'm a challenge you can't stand
I'm intimidating for a reason
I don't let any guy just hold my hand
I woke up in a very ******* mood
it happens from time to time
If you can't handle me at my worst
then your not a good friend of mine.

I need some time to figure out where I want to go in this life
If I can get just a little bit of air
I think I will be alright
I need to make some changes
I just feel so alone
I've built up so much anger
I don't know what to do with it anymore
Everyone around me is moving on
as I'm stuck in the same **** place
There is no light waiting for me at the end of the tunnel
I'm no use for anything
I gave up kissing *** a long time ago
I won't go back to that now
I need to run away
I got to reach all of my dreams
but right now I just don't know how.

When I was just a little girl
I knew something about me wasn't right
I spent most of my days angry
and I couldn't sleep at night
I found myself looking in the mirror at the age of nine
thinking to myself that I was fat
I thought that way until the age of thirteen
and that's when things got really bad
I spent most of my days sitting in my walk-in closet
writing poems as Green day blasted in my ears
I'd sit in the shower and cut myself
and let my blood collide with my tears
Not letting myself eat gave me some control
on what I was feeling all of the time
Even though I was always hurting
I would smile and tell everyone that I was fine
I poured my heart into my writing
everything made sense on paper
I felt relieved in some ways
when others treated me like a social loser
I was alone in this world of confusion I couldn't understand myself
All I could do was cry
because I was different from everybody else
The scars on me do not scare me
they remind me that I am not crazy
They remind me that I am human
with a past that is really messy
I still don't know what is wrong with me
if I could fix myself I would
Whatever I have will always be a part of
causing me to always be misunderstood.

The world says I'm ugly
I say I'm beautiful
The world says I'm stupid
I say I'm smart
The world says I'm fat
I say I'm pretty ****
The world says I'm lame
I say I'm interesting
The world says I'm a *****
I say I'm tough
The world says I'm weak
I say I'm strong
The world says I'm nothing
I say their hilarious
The world says I'm weird
I say I'm unique
The world says I'm a freak
I say I'm different
The world says I'm too much to handle
I say they can't take a challenge
The world says I'm heartless
I call it not putting up with *******
The world says I'm a ****
I say their just jealous
The world says no one will love me
I say Mr. right hasn't shown up yet
The world says to **** myself
I say keep going
The world tells me to change
I say "HELL NO" and continue to be myself
The world says I'm not perfect
I say "so...neither are you"

Where did I go?
How did I become this monster to myself?
How did I end up in this hole they call hopeless?
Why didn't I see myself fall?
What happened to me?
How did I grow to hate myself so much to where I look in the mirror and I can't recognize myself anymore?
Where did I go?
How can I get myself back?
I am hiding under pain I can't let go of.
I am running around in circles around things that seem to trap me.
I don't know what to do.
Everything I do seems wrong.
Anyone I turn to seems to drop me without giving me a reason why.
Sometimes I wish I would die in my sleep just so the world would be better off.
I won't be here to make anyone miserable.
Everyone can go about their lives as if I never existed.
I don't know what happened to me.
Maybe I really am heartless.
Maybe I don't have a soul.
Maybe I am slowly dying and I just don't know it.
Even if I was dying I wouldn't tell anyone I was.
I would suffer in silence like I always do.
Where the **** did I go?
That's a question I don't think God has the answer to.

Right now I am writing you a song
hoping you will read it for me
I am writing about the things I see in you
and how I love everything you turned out to be
Every time we talk
I feel a weight being lifted off of my chest
After all of the mistakes I have seemed to make
you have never loved me less
I love you more than life itself
I am sure everyone can see that
I go to school just to be near you
and because of you I have grown to love it
You have changed me in many ways
you're the best choice I ever made
When I think of the day I met you
I would have to say that was the best day...

No I'm not gay
I'm just waiting for "the one"
I refuse to put my heart through agony
such as heartbreak itself
I'm not into one night stands
blind dates and all that
I believe in love at first sight
The kind of love where you meet someone  in the most unusual places such as the grocery store
The love where you look at someone and you just know you are going to spend the rest of your life with that person
I've had my share of boyfriends
neither of them were the one
they say to find Mr. right your heart has to go through multiple heartbreaks sometimes
I think I've had enough heartbreaks to scar a heart permanently
For now I'm staying single
spending my days getting to know myself better as a person sounds more entertaining than a date with my favorite celebrity
I'm saving my heart and love for someone special
not sure who that person is yet but I will find him
Eventually
I just have to wait
I'm sure he is looking for me too
When our paths cross, however that may be, I will know if he is the one
They say with love you just know
when I meet him I'll know
and I'll be so glad I waited for him all this time.

I saw you with her last night
you said you were going to your friends
I didn't want to be home alone so I called up my girls
and we decided to go out
I didn't think I would catch you with her
don't say that you  weren't with her because I saw what you were doing to her
You were kissing her
You were touching her
Your hands were in places I can't even talk or think about
You told me you were over her
how are you over her if you are all over her?
I wasn't the only one who saw you either
my friends did as well and I have never felt so stupid
I thought you were Mr. amazing
now I see you are Mr. wrong
Your disgusting
I can't stand to kiss you
I can't touch you
I can't lay in the same bed with you knowing you wish I was her
how stupid I am to believe you cared for me
I made you a priority
I was nothing but an option to you
Well now you can find someone else to be your option
because I'm done with you
I refuse to be played like a game
Pack your ****
Leave
and don't ever come back.

Sometimes when I think about killing myself
I see the details so perfectly
I see my vein splitting apart as blood leaks out of me
I see my heart pumping faster as my body goes into shock
I see myself fall to the floor
as my eyes roll to the back of my head
My hand that I cut myself with hits the floor
The razor makes a faint noise as it bounces off of the ground
Everything sits still once I hit the floor
as I lay there with blood gushing out of me
my body finally gets the peace it's been yearning for
Who knew that a simple injury to one self
could make the soul feel so much at ease

I woke up with a feeling I couldn't shake off
I felt sick, depressed, and a little *******
I had so much to do
what I really wanted to do was sleep
I managed to leave my house
trying my best not to weep
I could not stop thinking about you
I could hear your voice in my ears
I don't understand why we broke up
after being together for three years
You said you found someone else
well tell that to our daughter
tell her why your never home
tell her why she rarely sees her father
I packed up your stuff
it's in a box by the front door
I changed the sheets on our bed
I couldn't stand the smell of you anymore
I took our daughter to my mother's
just until I get my head straight
I already filed for divorce
I sign papers tomorrow and I can't wait
I don't need you to live my life
I don't need you to be successful
I wanted to share my life with you
but now that is not possible
I'm going to use these three years as a lesson learned
I will get stronger from this
I will love our daughter and move on
I will give my new life my best

2012 will be here in 7 days
and I am still stuck in the past
I need to let this **** go
or else the misery I am feeling will last
They say the world will end in 2012
why should I be miserable that year?
I want to take on 2012 as a challenge
and not have any fear
I want 2012 to be a year of changes
I want to change my style
my way of thinking
everything
I no longer want to be a victim to my emotional pain
I want to be happy
I want to be free
I want to do practically everything
I want to be confident
I want to run with excitement
I want to be the girl people talk **** about
but not worry about the haters
I want to be independent,
I want all of my dreams to come true
I want my uniqueness to shine bright
to the point my haters won't know what to do
I want to be ****
I want to be fun
I want to try new things
I want to finish high school
I want to drive
I want to dance
I want to sing
2012 will be the year to start over
it is the year to start fresh
from my birth to today I'm letting go
I'm going to start over
I'm giving 2012 my all and my best

Everyone knows I want to be with you
but you choose to be with her
Everyone knows I can give you a better life
but you still choose to be with her
Everyone knows you're the reason for the smile on my face
but you're still convinced she is the one
Everyone knows you're in love with me
but you're not telling anyone
I can do all I can to make you mine
but you will still walk away
You say you want to be with her
yet you **** me everyday
I get that she is pregnant with your baby
but that is no reason to stay stuck
You deserve to be happy
but with her your life will ****
You say you're in love with both of us
I say you're confused
You need to think about what you want
and eventually choose
If you choose her I can't be around
my feelings for you cannot handle that
If you choose me you will never be miserable
I can promise you that

This is true. I don't trust people. I have been lied to and betrayed so much that I exhaust myself into being one step ahead of everybody just to keep myself from getting hurt. Every conversation, every action gets analyzed like an insect in a **** lab when it comes to being around people. With a person as sensitive as me, it is very easy to fall for someone's lies. It's like a crime scene, my wounded heart is the ****** crime scene and anyone who even dares to love me or show me any kind of positive attention is a suspect until proven innocent. Sometimes proving to myself that not everyone is the devil in disguise takes a very long time and I promise you it is exhausting in every way possible.

I want you to run away with me
just leave everything behind
don;t worry about anything or anyone
I promise we will be just fine
You and I can start over
we just need to leave this town
we can go somewhere where nobody knows us
no drama will be around
We can get away from all of the *******
and start a life just you and me
if you trust me and take this chance
you will be the happiest as you can be
Don't worry about money, food, etc.
just get in the car and drive
we will worry about life when we are out of state
let's just make it out of here alive
I know I sound crazy
but you will thank me later
just take this chance and run with me
I promise you will feel so much better
This is scary I know
it's a really big risk
if we don't take it now
we will always regret that chance to run
an opportunity that we missed.

I'm so tired of fighting with you
I can't do it anymore
you won't even cuddle with me in bed
which is why I choose to sleep on the floor
You say you feel stuck with me
and you know that's not the case
it makes me so angry when you say that
to the point I can't even look at your face
If you don't want to be here anymore
just say so don't fake being happy all the time
of course I'll be sad if you go
but I swear I'll be just fine
I don't mind being alone
I just love having you around
but our fighting needs to stop
we need out of this circle in which we are both spinning around in
I will do my best to change my ways
but you got to know I'm not perfect
you need to be honest about your feelings
because I can't keep hurting
I don't like being mad at you
I don't like to argue
but when you tell me to "shut the **** up"
I don't know what else to do
I'm running out of ways to make you happy
I'm so stressed out now
What can I do to fix this?
I want us to be okay again
I want all of this fighting to stop
before I end up losing my best friend.

All I want is to be in your arms
I want to be the one who wipes your tears away
I want to be the one who can look at you and know exactly what your thinking
I want to have a life with you
I want to be the one to tell you everything is going to be okay
I want to be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with
I want to make you smile always
if you stay in my arms
you will never fall
nothing will ever hurt you
my love for you won't allow you to feel pain
your life, your world, your heart will change if only you were to make me your girl
let me show you how much I love you
once you have me you aren't going to want to let me go.

Lately it seems to everybody that I am the enemy
I am the reason for everyone's problems
my name seems to be coming out of everybody's mouth
although I am not longer in school I seem to be labeled as the drama Queen
when someone cries it's my fault
when someone fights I seem to be the cause of the fight
I don't know exactly what I am doing wrong
I am on the verge of breaking down
I don't want anything to do with life anymore
I am so depressed
I don't know who to go to
everyone hates me
I am so lonely
I feel like I am losing everything and everyone
Why am I the enemy?
After all the people I was there for
after all the people I have helped
I am still the reason for everyone's problems
my life is ****
I have lost myself
and I don't think I can get myself back this time.

Being a teenager is not the easiest thing in the world.
You have depression,
you have the problem of not fitting in,
you have the challenge of figuring out where and how you fit into this ******* up world,
you have eating disorders,
you have drinking,
peer pressure,
you have falling in love and getting your heart broken,
high expectations from parents and other adults,
you have cutting,
you have running away from home,
you have friends that stab you in the back.
Then, you have high school.
You have dreams others say are impossible to reach,
you have doubts about whether or not you can handle being a citizen in a world that is so ****** up,
you have the rich kids,
you have the poor kids,
you have the preppy group,
you have the emo group,
bullying,
you ask yourself everyday "who do I want to be in this lifetime?"
It is not easy being a teenager.
In fact it is so difficult not a lot of teens make it to the age of 20.
You also have suicide to deal with.
High school is not something you can figure out with just one day of going there.
In fact those who graduated high school still have no understanding of why high school is the way it is.
One thing is for sure, high school, being a teenager in general, is the time to be free.
Be fearless,
be young,
make mistakes and learn from them,
change your hair color a million times if you want to,
eat all the pizza and drink all the soda you can.
This is the time to have fun.
Are there bad times?
Yeah there is.
Someone might die,
someone might get pregnant,
changes happen but the thing about these bad things is that they are only temporary.
There is help out there for lots of things,
tons of things,
half the time we don't know what kind of help is out there.
Someone once told me, actually a movie told me, that to write something great write about what you know.
This is what I know.
High school goes by really fast,
broken hearts heal,
the mean girls who make fun of you are more insecure then you thought you were,
friends come and go but the ones who stay are the ones who are going to be there for life,
whatever happened in the past will be a faint memory,
that insecure person you used to be will turn into a confident successful person who is ready to take on the world.
Being a teenager is only temporary if you let it be.
Even though it's hard it's the best time of your life and you should never take it for granted.
The choices you make now will shape you and your future.
To all the teenagers out there dare to dream,
dare to hope,
dare to love,
dare to take risks,
fall and get up again
and do not forget to be proud to be yourself 100% in everything that you do.

I feel like I'm falling
there is nothing below to catch me either
no water
no huge trampoline
no ground
not even people with their arms outstretched to catch me
I'm simply falling
I don't know when I'm going to stop
all I know is that I am holding my breath
my air is going in all directions
there is nothing but air all around me
I can't even feel my heart beating
even though I am wearing clothes I feel completely naked
I am confused
I am spinning in circles that make it difficult to concentrate on one thing
I don't know where I am
I would scream for help but right now I have no voice
I don't even know who I am
that is when I finally stop falling.

I feel like I have lost everything
I feel myself breaking
I am so lost in this ****** up world
I am surprised I'm still living
I am losing my one and only best friend
to a mistake I do not regret making
although I know I will get through this
my heart just won't stop breaking
My favorite song no longer helps
writing this poem just makes me cry
I want to give up on everything
right now I'm not strong but I got to try
because if I fall apart too much
I am going to lose everything
but without him I have nothing
now my life doesn't mean anything.

Self- harm is a coping mechanism meaning people self-harm as a way to get them to focus on something other than their emotional pain. When you are hurting physically, you don't have time to deal with your emotional pain so you push your emotional pain off to the side. That only lasts so long though. Your body is like a volcano. The more you try to cover whatever it is that is causing you pain, eventually you will reach a breaking point and snap. When that snap happens, your in real danger. Some people have an emotional break down, some self-harm even more than they already do and some even try to commit suicide and succeed. You can't stop self-harming overnight. It doesn't happen that way. There is a reason why people do it and most of the time it's because something happened and the thing that happened is too painful to deal with. In the end, in order to quit you need to confront the issue you are avoiding and it can be anything: death of a loved one, a break up, a car accident, abuse, abandonment, witnessing a ******, being kidnapped, miscarriage, divorce, moving around a lot, bullying, near death experience. All these things can cause a person to self-harm and a lot of the time these people aren't suicidal, they just want relief. To get relief they need to confront the issue. Confronting the issue is scary. By confronting the issue they are reliving their traumatic experience and they are forced to feel things and talk about things that they have been hiding through self-harm. Those who self-harm also need to learn other ways to dealing with their pain which can be hard to do especially if you were raised in an environment where violence, self hate, anger and abuse were how you dealt with your emotional problems and if you have been self-harming for a long time, it's very difficult to let go of something that has been your comfort blanket for years. It's strange that something so painful can be so comforting to people. Self-harm is something that is hard to understand unless you have gone through it yourself. It is an issue that needs to be addressed. You can't make somebody stop doing it. Just like drugs you can't make a person stop their addiction unless they want to. What people don't want to see is that self-harm can **** someone. All it takes is one wrong move with a razor or whatever you self harm with and your done. If that truth doesn't scare anybody into taking this rising issue seriously, I don't know what will.

I sat next to your hospital bed
gently holding your hand
I was trying my best to stay strong
but it was hard because I didn't understand
You were dying in front of my eyes
there was nothing I could do
but I sat with you everyday
because I didn't want to be away from you
When the doctor said they did all that they could
I got frustrated with their words
they told me you would soon be gone
you will never know how much that hurt
to be told your losing the one you love
and you have no sense of control
it leaves you helpless and speechless
and in your heart it forms a hole
When you started throwing up your food
I knew what was coming next
your body was going to shut down more
all you could do was rest
I stayed up for nights praying
that a miracle would come
but I don't think God heard me
he still took you away from everyone.

The day you died was horrible
I wanted to fall apart
but I couldn't let you see me cry
so instead I kept strong
it took all I could to laugh with you
whenever you told a joke
it took every part of me to smile
whenever you spoke
on the night you night
you quietly whispered my name
you put your hand on my cheek
and for a minute it felt like nothing changed
you looked at me with those beautiful eyes
and you told me the words "I love you"
that's when it hit me
your life was finally through.

I kissed your lips for the last time
I laid beside you as you closed your eyes
I kept listening to your heartbeat
until God took away your life
when the beeping on the monitor went blank
I sat up and looked at the screen
I saw the flat line flashing
and right then I released everything
I think about that moment a lot
that memory never leaves my brain
I think about it so much
that it keeps me from doing anything
everyday is a struggle
it's a struggle because your not here
I'm used to doing everything with you
your voice was all that I used to hear
everything changed with one diagnosis
we didn't have time to prepare
so many dreams we had were shattered
but at the time we didn't care
So many things happened
during the last days of your life
your death taught me appreciation
it taught me to realize
that life here on earth is short
you never know when your time is up
you taught me to keep on fighting
and to never worry about the small stuff
I miss you more everyday
some days are hard, some days are easy
but I remind myself everyday
that you are always here with me
I will never forget our life together
you are someone I will always treasure
thank you for keeping your promise
to always love me forever and ever.

I have so much to tell you
I don't know where to begin
half the things I want to tell you
will probably be a sin
So I'm going to be honest
as honest as I can
I'm going to try my best to talk to you
without raising my hand
I really, really hate you
you are the biggest ******* alive
you make life so painful to live
I wish you all would just die
I don't want an apology
apologies don't mean ****
but you better back yourselves up
before I decide to hit
Why do I hate you all?
I can't believe what I hear
maybe it's the way you treated me
whenever I shed a tear
or maybe it's the way you put me down
when I had a smile on my face
or the way you called me white
and made fun OF MY RACE
MAYBE IT'S HOW YOU TOLD ME I NEVER DRESS RIGHT
HOW I'M SO DUMB
I WILL NEVER BE BRIGHT
OR THE TIME I SAID I WOULD BE SUCCESS FULL
YOU SAID "YEAH BY DANCING ON POLES"
OR MAYBE HOW YOU MADE FUN OF ME
BECAUSE THE ONLY SHOES I HAD WERE WITH HOLES

........................

Maybe it's how you never knew me
but you judged me all of the time
or how you always laughed at me
when I had no money, not even a dime
Maybe it's how my hair was "stupid"
"I was trying to be a wannabe"
or maybe when I had a crush
you told me nobody would want me
I don't care about the things you said
or maybe I do
I don't hate the things you said
I just really hate each and every one of you
I hope you burn in hell
or I hope you suffer in death
"I hate you" are words I never say
but for you girls I mean them
and I'm never taking them back.

I want to go far away from here
I'm sick of being in this place
I'm sick of feeling sick all of the time
I'm sick of seeing her face
I'm tired of being an outcast
I'm tried of being a joke
I'm tired of being questioned
I'm tired of wanting to choke
I'm fed up with being unaccepted
I'm fed up with how I look
I'm fed up with my emotions
and my dignity that they took
I'm sick of feeling out of control
I'm sick of being sad
I'm sick of feeling out of my skin
and always being mad
I'm sick of being a loser
I'm sick of being lame
I'm sick of being misunderstood
I hate feeling ******* insane.

Once upon a time
you played games with my heart
you gave me false hope
you tore my world apart
You threw away memories
some I'll never have again
even if we weren't a couple
I still wanted to be friends
How do I feel?
I don't really know
my heart is in pieces
yet I still love you so
All I can do
is try to move on
and just always remember
I wasn't the one in the wrong.

I turn the music up loud
to block out the noise
I put on my headphones
so I can't hear my voice
The guitars are blasting sounds
that are taking away my pain
the words are making me cry
and making me sweat like rain
My teeth are chattering from the cold
I'm afraid I'll get yelled at
I'm afraid to leave my room
I don't want to get screamed at
I'm afraid to be myself
I can't be something that I'm not
I'm tired of being depressed
and hating what I don't got
I turn the music off
I can hear myself cry
I really can't leave my room
but I'm afraid I'll have to try
I take my headphones off
I turn off my bedroom light
I fall asleep in my warm bed
and let everything fall into the night.

Sitting in my room
staring at the walls
trying to forget the argument
trying to forget it all
Swimming in a river
staring at the fish
trying not to cry
as I make a secret wish
Lying on my bed
staring at the clock
trying not to fall asleep
as I dream of a river dock
Listening to music
staring at the ceiling
trying not to look down
at my arm that are bleeding
Stanidng at the window
erasing you from my phone
trying to convince myself
I won't be alone
Wiping away the tears
as i look at pictures of you
I wish you would come back
because I'm still in love with you.

Little girl, little girl please don't cry
it's not your fault that you want to die
I know that he's mean to you, he yells all the time
he does it so much that his words seem to rhyme
Little girl, little girl please don't hide
it's not your fault you want to commit suicide
I know that they hurt all the bruises he leaves
he hits you so much when he tells you he loves you, you can't believe
Little girl, little girl please don't run
it can't rain forever, there really is a sun
I know that it's cold when he forces you to his room
when you refuse to go he hits you with a broom
Little girl, little girl please don't be afraid
Jesus will help you and take you away someday
I know that your weak so much you can't speak
one day you will be happy and walking on your feet
Little girl, little girl please don't cry
it's not your fault your not ready to say goodbye
I know that he scares you when he throws you on the floor
Jesus is taking you home now
you won't have to suffer anymore.

I feel myself falling
with everything I do
you broke my heart once again
I can't stand the pain you put me through
I feel myself losing it
it's even happening in my dreams
with each hour that passes I fall even further
Please tell me what this means?
I can't take the pressure I'm under
why is this happening to me?
I wish I could run away and never come back
why can't people just let me be?
you said you would never hurt me
you said that you needed me too
now that I'm sinking I'm drowning alone
and no one can save me but you
I'm ready to just give up on everything
I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at night
I stand in the shower numb as ice
deciding if I should continue this fight
the way I feel no one can understand
so I suffer here in silence
I smile as if everything is okay
but really inside I'm dying
I wish I could walk and never stop
I wish these scars would fade away
I wish this battle that I have with myself
didn't take up so much of my day
I wish I was a different person
I wouldn't be putting up with this ****
I wish I could get rid of this sadness
so I no longer have to deal with it.

Once upon a time
there was a girl who couldn't feel
when unexpected things happened
she acted like they weren't real
She was very hard to read
I know because I've tried
she thought she was ugly
she thought everyone lied
Everyday she cut
she didn't want to live
she thought nobody loved her
so she's never forgive
She was always alone
she smoked a cigarette per hour
she took care of herself though
she smelled as sweet as a flower
Her birthday came and went
nobody knew
her heart was broken
she didn't know what to do
So once upon a time
there was a girl who couldn't feel
she killed herself when the unexpected happened
she found her way to deal.

They said I couldn't sing
but I have a cd
they said I was too young
yet I have adults at my knees
they said he was just a crush
but now he's my husband
they said I was dumb
yet I got into college two years before them
they said I talk to much
now I have my own talk show
they said I acted immature
yet I pay my own bills now
they said I was a loser
yet I win all of the skateboard games
they said I was ugly
yet my my clothing stores have different names
they told me to die
but I'm still living
they say I waste time
but my friends can't get enough of me
they said I couldn't dream
but now look at me
every magazine they look at
my face is all that they see.

Today was a hard day
everyday is a hard day
sometimes it's hard to concentrate
in every single way
Today was not fun
everyday isn't fun
Mom screamed at me today
I swear she burst a lung
Today I was tired
everyday I'm tired
my boyfriend is worried about me
I swear he thinks I'm wired
Today was very cold
I can't stand it when it's cold
when I'm cold I feel old
Today I cut myself
I got to live a little while today
but today was still a hard day.

She used to be sweet
now she's a *****
she used to sleep at night
now she's a snitch
she used to be young
now she tries to be old
she used to behave
now she doesn't do what she's told
she used to be nice
now she's mean
she used to be sloppy
now she's clean
she used to want to live
now she's suicidal
she used to love herself
now she lovesher idol
she used to be fun
now she's disturbing
she used to be creative
now she's unnerving
she used to be drama free
now she's drama filled
she used to be loved
now she should be killed
she used to be honest
now all she does is lie
she wants people to feel sorry for her
every time she cries
she can cry all she wants
she won't get her way
she needs to stop being a *****
before she loses her life today.