When the guy your in love with doesn't love you
it's almost impossible to breathe
a part of you just falls apart
your no longer in one piece
To see him talk to a beautiful girl
just stings in one place
then he asks you what you think of her
and you have to lie to his face
"She's incredible, she's amazing
you should totally ask her out"
when really you want to kiss his lips
and tell him you love him out loud
but you stop yourself and you smile
and support him instead
Yet inside your hurting
and you got so many thoughts racing through your head
Everynight before you go to sleep
you ask God to help you feel better
but something inside tells you to hang on
as you put your feelings toward letters
their addressed to him of course
but he doesn't know that
you keep them in a box hidden
and you don't look back
Broken hearts are supposed to heal
but this time it's different
your heart isn't healing
it's remaining broken
so you cry until sleep falls over you
and you dream hopeless dreams
"maybe things will change" you think
however impossible that may seem.

I think it's stupid
when other's cry for attention
I think it's stupid
when others think they can stop you from reaching your dreams
I think it's stupid
when you pretend to be something your not
I think it's stupid
to smile when you really want to cry
I think it's stupid
to let fear control your life
I think it's stupid to give up on love
because your heart is constantly getting broken
I think it's stupid to spend $1,000 on a pair of shoes
I think it's stupid
to dress like a **** just to impress a guy
I think it's stupid
to be friends with someone who treats you like ****
I think it's stupid
to live a misreable life
I think giving up is stupid
I think holding onto false hope is stupid
being a ***** to everyone you know to protect yourself from ever being hurt
I don't think that's smart
I think that's extremely stupid.

It's been ten days since you left
it hurt so bad to see you go
I wish you were still here with me
I wish you never had to go
I don't know where to start from here
right now I feel so lost
your probably happy with your new life
and for that I wish you the best
I can't seem to be here in this house
not with all the memories of you
maybe I should move to another place
and create something new
I wonder how your doing
how is life without me
I'm sure it's wonderful
I wonder if a part of you misses me
I'll never know why we went seperate ways
I'll always remember that this was your choice
you had responsibilities yiou had to deal with
that's what you said the last time I heard your voice
This is really killing me though
I'm not ready to move on
I lost a part of myself
the moment I realized you were gone.

I feel like I'm losing air
I can't seem to breathe
no matter how many times I try to relax
I still trip over my feet
I feel like I'm going in circles
I hear my heart beating like crazy
I'm thinking of all the reasons as to why I feel this way
but I can't remember anything
Why can't I catch my breath?
Why can't I speak?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I getting weak?
Somebody tell me what is happening
why doesn't anyone care?
this unexplainable feeling goes away
once I wake up from this horrible nightmare.

God you can beat me to death
just don't take him away
you can make me bald, make my eyes black
just please let him stay
You can take away my breathing
you can take away my life
you can take anything you want
just as long as he survives
God take away my hopes
take away my faith
take away my dreams
just as long as he is okay
Let me live in misery
let me live in pain
let me bleed from my ears
just as long as he is okay
Take away my friends
take away my home
throw me in a ditch
just as long as he is not alone
God skin me alive
let me bleed for hours
you can burn me at the stake
as long as he has what he needs
God if I could give up my life
just so he could live
then please **** me
so my life could be his
Hang me from a wall
and shoot me with a gun
rip apart my limbs
if that's what it takes to see his son
Run me over with a car
if it will grant him happiness
if the death of me means life for him
then ****** God just do it
**** me
take it all
you can have every part of me
just as long as he stays alive
and has another day of breathing
If you take him God
you will have to take me too
I can't live without him
and I don't ever want to.

Right now I don't feel so good
everything is out of place
it's hard to think clearly about anything
when tears keep falling down my face
My heart is shattered
there are pieces of me everywhere
I look like **** with these cuts on my wrists
but lately I don't really care
I'm losing the only person
who is worth feeling anything for
I know I will never see him again
once he walks out my front door
To live without him
it just scares me to death
I have the urge to throw up
which makes it impossible to rest
I don't know what's going to happen
I don't know what to do
all i know is I can't do this alone
I can't live my life without you
I'm just so scared
that's what I know for sure
right now I'm fearing our goodbye
that will happen once you walk our my front door.

I don't know what to think
I don't know what to say
I don't know how to feel
I'm upset that you went away.
You died without any warning
I didn't even get to say goodbye
I feel so much guilt over the fight we had
now all I do is cry
I was supposed to go first
my ashes belong around your neck
here I sit holding your ashes
and I just want you back.
All the memories I have of you
I can't make disappear
I walk the streets we used to run
and I wish on the stars that you were still here.
What do I do know?
Where do I go from here?
You were my source of confidence
without you all I have is fear.
How do I live without you?
How do I sleep without the beating of your heart?
How do I get over your death
when I can't stop falling apart?

I heard our song on the radio today
as usual it took my breath away
I thought of us kissing and holding hands
as we drove in your car listening to our favorite band.
I started thinking of all the times I cried in your arms
and you made me feel so complete
I think of the times we laid in bed for hours
as we played with each other's feet.
I thought of the summer when we ran to the beach
watching the waves go up with each step we took
I thought of the nights we would spend under the stars
going over the memories in which we made.
I remembered all the kisses we exchanged
and how they always put a smile on my face
I remembered all the times you held me in your arms
because your arms were my favorite place.
I went back in time to remember the stormy night
when the electricity in our city was out
our house was pitch black so we made love like crazy
without having any doubts.
I thought about the day you first told me you loved me
you had my heart beating like crazy
I thought of the summer you went away for awhile
and how I missed you so badly.

Although these memories I was remembering were great ones
they can't make the bad ones we had disappear
the day I lost you forever
was the day you ever caused me to shed a tear.
I began to remember that cop on my door step
telling me you were in an accident
I freaked out in denial
I didn't want to believe that.
They said you were seriously injured
and that you might not make it to midnight
so I grabbed the keys and drove to the hospital
all the while praying you would be alright.
I can still feel the last breath you took the last time I kissed your lips
I can feel the warmth of your hand disappear
as I thought of all the great things you would miss.
I felt your soul leave your body
as I held you in my arms
you went away so peacefully
and that realization is probably what kept me calm.
Going home to the place we once shared
was the most uncomfortable thing I had to do
I asked God "What happens now?"
how did he expect me to live life without you.
With strength and hope I let you go
and at your funeral I thanked you for your love
I looked at the stars the night you died
and I could have sworn I saw your heart from heaven above.

As our song on the radio ends
I feel tears pour out of my hazel eyes
I relive the pain I felt when I lost you
I hate remembering the day you died
I am just so thankful I could be there with you
I perfered you died in my arms instead of alone in a bed
it ***** that you left so suddenly
it's an image I can't get out of my head.
Everyday I hurt a little less
but that doesn't mean I forgot all we have been through
you will always be the love of my life
not a night goes by where I don't where I don't ask God to tell you
how much I truly love you.

Don't ask me to be perfect
just tell me to be me
Don't tell me what a **** up I am
because tears are all you will see
Don't tell me you want me today
then tomorrow go off with some girl you just met
Don't pressure me into marrying you
I'm not ready for that just yet
Don't ask me to change my style
my style isn't what needs to be judged
Whether you like or not as a person
is a type of honesty that will win you hugs
Don't ask me to be happy
when I'm having a very bad day
let me cry and get over myself
my anger will eventually go away
Don't ask me to look like a celebrity
that's a fantasy that won't come true
Don't ask me to change anything
when I'm standing here accepting you
Don't kiss my lips today
just to call me a ***** tomorrow
Don't hold me and tell me how amazing I am
just so you can later call me horrible
Don't give me a gift as a way to kiss my ***
because I will not take it
Don't ever tell me you love me
unless you absolutely mean it.

If you were to walk in my shoes
you wouldn't be able to make it halfway down the block
if you could step into my shoes for one day
you would see that I'm real not just a bunch of talk
you will see that I have suffered
I have been through things hard to believe
and although I get a lot of **** for being myself
I still find the courage to always be me
I've been abused emotionally, verbally and physically
I've been let down and let go
although I have every reason to be mean
kindness is what I try to show
I have been betrayed in ways I can't explain
I've witnessed things a little girl never should
I've been pushed back to be laughed at
but I've moved forward and that's very hard
I've moved so many times
it's caused me to not want to let anybody in
I'm so scared to let my guard down sometimes
because I don't want to be disappointed again
When I'm faithful I get cheated on
when I love I get hated
I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve
because I could no longer handle being rejected
I don't want anyone's pity
pity makes me weak
I just wish people would shut up for once
just to give me a chance to speak
I may look amazing on the outside
but inside I'm dying
if it's not one thing then it's another
then I fall asleep in bed crying
I can't make anyone understand me
I can't make anyone accept me either
all I'm asking is before you judge me
try to get to know me a little better
One of two things can happen when you meet me
these are choices you make in the end
you can think of me as the fake crazy ***** some people think I am
or you will see that I'm just Mandie
everybody's best friend.

I met a guy two years ago
he became my very best friend
we've been through hell and back together
but it feels like our friendship is coming to an end.
We've told each other things
that we normally keep inside
we've done things together that changed us
but we still stood by each other's side.
We fought, we yelled, we went separate ways
but we always managed to end up in the same place
he's the first person I go to when I'm upset
because he's good at putting a smile on my face.
We've cried, we've fallen but we did it together
we never left each other alone
we went from spending everyday together
to talking every once in a while on the phone.
I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him
it hurts to know he don't and won't ever feel the same way
as I think of all we have been through
I still love him more everyday
I do my best to move on
I spend my days hanging out with friends and laughing
but once I go home I begin to think of him
and I end up going to bed crying.
I've accepted the fact that I'm not the one
as days go by I keep thinking
no matter what I do, no matter where I go
my heart continues to keep breaking.
My life is changed forever
all because of this guy
everyone says I'm better off without him
but he's my best friend and they will never understand why.
I guess I can live without him
it's going to be really hard
I know that it's going to be a rough few days
especially when I fall apart
I have to be as strong as I can be
I have to do what's best for me
if he's meant to be in my life forever
then whatever is meant to be will happen eventually.

I am not a perfect angel.
My hair has a mind of it's own no matter what I do to fix it,
my teeth are not perfectly straight,
I don't have a body like the Victoria Secret models you see in magazines,
I tend to shake when speaking in front of a crowd but put me in front of 50,000 people and tell me to sing and I can do that without any probelms or fear.
I don't like being alone,
I don't like sleeping bt myself,
I smoke cigarettes as a way to stay strong when I'm stressed out,
I don't sleep when I should I find reasons to stay awake,
I take 2 hour showers and sometimes all I do is sit there and cry that way no one can hear me,
I feel safe when I wear something that belongs to a friend,
when I walk that's when I dream about my future,
food is never a priority for me I go days without eating and not even notice,
When I do sleep I fall asleep to a different movie every night to keep me from thinking too much,
my feelings get hurt easy.
music is my drug,
I don't tell anyone my birthday because I don't like it when people make a big deal about the day I was born,
I purposely wake up to sit outside early in the morning just to watch the sun rise,
I collect anything that involves the bands Mayday Parade and One Direction,
I'm always worrying about ******* somebody off,
depression is my struggle,
I got scars that aren't pretty,
I have mood swings you wouldn't believe,
I believe in the impossible,
if i had to give up my heart just so someone could live I would do it without hesitation,
I take love very seriously,
I curse a lot,
I get annoyed when people don't do what I ask them to do,
I don't like being controlled,
and writing is my way of coping with anything good or bad.
I have a hard time letting things go and I sometimes let people walk all over me because I love them too much.
I'm not perfect.
I don't try to be.
I just want to be me.
I want to be loved and accepted for me.

I've been wanting to **** myself for a long time
I just don't have the guts to do it
I've thought of ways to die as I lay in bed at night
but I keep telling myself to forget it
I listen to my heartbeat as I fall asleep
and pray to God that it stops eventually
yet no matter how many times I plead and beg for death
I still waked up to my ****** up reality
I'm waiting for the day I take my last breath
so the world will realize what they lost
I want people to ******* notice I'm hurting
I wish I had a remote that puts the world on pause
I'm walking in circles not getting anywhere
and it is eating away at me like moth's on dead flesh
I sit on my bed with a cigarette in my hand
realizing my time to go hasn't come just yet
I want to rip out my hair
so the ugliness on the inside will show on the outside
I want to scream until my vocal cords rip apart
so I didn't have to speak to another life
I want to throw up everything that eats me alive
I want to stop crying all the time
I want to run away and never come back
that way no one has to hear me whine
I want to stop being so overwhelmed
I want my head to stop huritng
I wish this pain would disappear
I want to stop feeling like I'm constantly dying.

I count how many days you've been gone
and I can't help but cry
I wish every day for you to come back
on every star in the sky
You don't know how much I miss you
I just lay in bed all day
I can't bring myself to take a shower
because of the image in my head of you going away
I talk to you from time to time
but that doesn't make things easier
I wear your t-shirts just to feel closer to you
hoping that will be my broken heart's cure
Yet I still cry
as these thoughts race through my head
I stare at the picture of us
as I fall asleep in my bed
Why does it feel like my heart is breaking
more than it is healing
I guess the pain that I'm feeling
is my only reminder that you were ever real.

I can't say that I don't love you
because that would be a lie
I can't pretend that I'm happy
when I really want to cry
I can't be something that I'm not
because that's living a lie
I feel like life is hard
but I got to give it a try
I feel myself breaking down whenever I think of you
but I can't let you go despite the bad that you do
I feel like giving up and letting the world win
but no matter how hard I fall I can never give in
I can't say I'm ugly
I know that I'm not
I can't say I'm cold
when really I'm hot
I can't forgive someone
only to still hold a grudge
I have to let go of the hate
in order to accept love
I have to be independent
I have to trust myself
if I can't rely on me
how can I trust anyone else
I have to feel pain in order to understand
I can't seem to feel complete
with his ring on my hand
I have to cry
as a way to let the pain out
I have to believe in myself
and not have any doubts
I have to make the best of everything
and know that God is on my side
I have to be honest with everything I do
because no matter what
I will get caught in my lies.

I miss the way you smile
I miss the way you kiss
I miss the way you brighten my world
when a smile comes across your lips
I miss the way you hold me
when it's cold out because of the rain
I miss the way you wipe away my tears
whenever I'm feeling pain
I miss the way you whisper in my ear
as we lay in bed in the dark
I miss the way you stand by my side
whenever my world falls apart
I miss the way you make me laugh
on days I'm not feeling well
I miss the way you stare at me
your eyes distracted me from my personal hell
I miss the way you hold my hand
as we watch movies till 3 a.m.
I miss the way you tell me you love me
for being just the way I am
I miss the way you tell me I'm beautiful
as I put eyeliner around my eyes
I miss the way you keep me to yourself
when we are hanging around with other guys
I miss the little things you do for me
I miss cuddling in your arms
I miss waking up to you looking at me
that was always my favorite alarm
The hardest thing is missing your presence
I miss everything you do
I miss all the days we can't ever get back
but most importantly I really miss you.

You mean nothing to me anymore
your a mistake I wish I never made
you never loved me to begin with
I was just some game you always wanted to play
The compliments you made were all lies
all the letters you wrote me were too
the whole time you were with me you were pretending to love me
just because it made you look cool
Every kiss you gave me was fake
you didn't feel anything at all
every date we went on wasn't unique
you did the same with other girls
The *** wasn't special for you either
you said the sight of my body caused you to hurl
every promise you made you knew they wouldn't be kept
You had me believing you were great
that was until I caught you with your ex-girlfriend
on the night we were supposed to have a date
You used me whenever you got the chance
and I was so blind the whole time
while I was sitting in my room crying with a broken heart
you went on with your life as if everything was fine
Because of the pain you caused me
you made it hard for me to love again
the funny thing is after what you put me through
I still wanted to be friends
but ******, alcohol and drugs were more important
you didn't have time for me anymore
you broke up with me without giving me a reason why
and that shattered my heart even more
Despite all that happened
I still wish you the best
I hope you change your ways and make something of yourself
No I don't love you any less
I just wish things ended differently
I can't help but cringe when I hear your name
because of the heartache you caused me
my view on love will never be the same.

She told him she loved him
he sat there in silence
she went to give him a hug
he sat there lifeless
she felt her heart breaking
he felt guilty for giving her up
she was choking back tears
as he finally stood up
She looked at the ring on her finger
he held his ring in his hand
she asked him "why?"
he said "you wouldn't understand"
she asked "do you need some time?"
he answered "I'm not ready for this"
she shook her head slowly
as he thought about this
she didn't want to break up
he was tired of being scared
she was blaming herself
he's the one who no longer cared
she said "I love you" one more time
he walked to the door
she began to fall apart
he said "I just don't love you anymore."

I never knew what faith was
until I had to practice it when Dad was ill
I never knew depression
until the word "death" no longer scared me
I never felt abuse
until my Dad laid a hand on me
I never felt loneliness
until my best friend Joey passed away
I never understood addiction
until feeling a razor slicing my skin got me high
I never understood sadness
until I learned the meaning of goodbye
I never experienced a broken heart
until I was told the words "I never loved you"
I never experienced abandonment
until I knew where my Father really was the day I was born
I never experienced love
until I learned what accepting an individual flaws and all truly meant
I never fell in love until I practiced the word "sacrifice"
I never saw true beauty
until I held my nieces in my arms for the first time
I never knew what happiness was
until the day I began to follow my heart
I never found my passion
until I created magic with a pen
I never felt peace
until I let of things that were out of my control
I have never felt blessed
until I realized what money couldn't buy
I have never felt more alive
until I understood how precious and short life really is.

I've been spending a lot of time alone
just thinking about the last few months
I've let go of friends, I've made new friends
and I lost someone I loved very much
What I thought would last forever
was ripped away from me over night
every thing I was told was a lie
and it tore me apart inside
Things have gotten better
my heart is however scarred
I'm scared of getting close to someone
out of fear it will all fall a part
Maybe I'm a dreadful curse
a walking bad luck charm
I'm as ugly as cigarette ashes
yet deep as a **** on an arm
Maybe the last few months is a sign
that love for me isn't meant to be
or maybe this is God's way of preparing me
for the one who is meant to be with me.

It's been 100 days since you broke my heart
and I still miss you everyday
I do all I can to fix myself
but not even my passions can take the pain away
I see you in my dreams every night
in my dreams we are kissing under the moon
then I wake up alone in my bed
and start to cry because I really miss you
Every time I talk to another guy
I pretend I'm talking to you
I go back to the times when I told you everything
because I trusted you like you wanted me to
Sometimes I still feel your kiss on my lips
and it still makes me feel alive
then I realize we will never kiss again
and no matter what I do I can't help but cry
My friends all tell me I should hate you
but I can't because I'm still in love with you
I can't just let you go like a balloon in the wind
not after everything we went through
Your still everything I want
even though you treated me cruel
You will forever have my heart
and I'll die still being in love with you.

The way you look when you first wake up
is a look I wait to see all night
The way you kiss me when you say "hello"
just gives me an instant high
The way you be yourself
gives me confidence to be myself too
The way you stare at me excites me
and makes me want to be that much closer to you
The way you concentrate on your passions
just takes my breath away
The way you spoil me
makes me feel loved each and every day
Every night when you tell me I'm yours
I cry because of how well you treat me
You treat me like a Princess
yet cherish me like a Queen.

As I lay here by your side
Warm in your arms
I think about wanting to stay here forever
As I ignore the alarm
I hold tightly onto your body
And I fall asleep to the rhythm of your heart
I dream about our days together
Their beautiful like a work of art
I can't wait for more moments like this
I feel so peaceful when I'm with you
I don't have to speak for you to know how I feel
There's nothing I really have to do
Except look into your eyes and smile
And you see right into my soul
You love me for who I really am
That's all I really need to know.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 1, 2011 Sunday 12:33 A.M

When your world is falling apart
Because some ******* broke your heart
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you feel so alone
And you can't reach anyone on the telephone
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your parents are fighting so bad
And you can't help but to feel sad
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you need someone to talk to
Or you just need something to do
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your confused about the world
Whether your a boy or girl
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When you need to get away
And no one will listen to what you have to say
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
When your smile can't seem to shine
And you know your not feeling fine
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
If you need to yell and scream
Because someone tried to crush your dreams
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be right there
If you need to cry, if you need to vent
But you don't know what to say just yet
All you gotta do is turn around
And I'll be waiting for you right there
If you need a friend to hold you tight
And promise you that everything will be alright
Rain or shine, day or night
All you gotta do is turn around
And I promise I'll be right there.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 22, 2012 Tuesday 6:51 A.M.

You want to know why I don't trust people?
People lie.
People use your passions to discover your weaknesses and when your not looking they take those weaknesses, build a knife with them then stab you repeatedly in the back.

You want to know why I don't trust men?
Men break things.
Men say all the right things to get into your heart and once you say "I love you" they rip you apart until you no longer recognize yourself then toss you away like garbage.

You want to know why I prefer to be alone?
Socializing brings problems.
Socializing leads to friendships,
friendships leads to trust,
trust leads to memories you capture in pictures that eventually end up in boxes at the top of your closet because the ones you used to socialize with are now strung out on drugs.
They don't even remember your name.
They don't remember the late nights at the river crying because their boyfriend cheated on them with some *****.
They don't remember cake fights at birthday parties or the endless hours we sat playing with puppies in the park talking about our dreams.
Drugs don't allow you to remember that ****.

You want to know why I'm scared to have kids?
History.
History repeats itself.
My history isn't good. It's bad and it's not my fault.
I was a child going through things I didn't deserve because of choices my parents made.
My father was an alcoholic abusive ******* who didn't want me.
I look like my mom but I have my father's personality.
I don't want to bring a child into this world so I can drink and abuse them too. That's not fair to them.
I can change my name.
I can't change the blood that runs through my veins.

You want to know why I'm so guarded?
Fear of rejection.
Rejection is something I'm way too familiar with.
I know it so well I can give you a list of memories from throughout my life and rejection will always be a part of the story.
I was rejected at one day old by someone who was supposed to protect me from monsters in the closet.
I was rejected by family because of what I looked like.
I was rejected by peers in school because I wasn't good enough.
I was rejected by guys because I wasn't slutty enough,
I was rejected for having dreams,
I was rejected by church peers because I wasn't Christian enough.
Rejection brings heartache, embarrassment, shame, low self esteem and insecurities you wouldn't believe.
Eventually you get tired of rejection and you build a wall so big no one, not even God could get through if he tried.
You live your life in isolation and you would rather be alone than take the chance of being hurt again.

WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 5, 2015 Tuesday 10:38 P.M.

Only you have the power to make me feel so insecure
every time I ask you how you feel about me
your answer is "I'm not sure"
Sometimes I question why I'm even in a relationship for
I'm at the point of saying "**** it. I don't give a **** anymore."
If I were to walk away
you wouldn't even see me leave
you wouldn't blink, you wouldn't worry or chase after me
I'd just be another toy you would add to your book of fantasies
You only wanted one thing
you got it
now you have no more use for me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being buried alive
I try to get out of the hole I'm in and every time I feel like I'm making progress
I get pushed further into a hole
Maybe I'm going crazy and this is just the start of it
maybe I'm just worrying too much and I need to take a step back and focus on the main problem
I feel helpless and ignored when I feel,this way
like I'm screaming and no one wants to hear me
Maybe I don't need help
I'm just scared to trust myself
I know I will get through this but after this comes happiness
and happiness scares the **** out of me.

One thing I've learned about love is that it never stops
once you start loving somebody that love never goes away
even if the person you love is so mean to you
you can't help but love the person they used to be
It's hard to say "I Love You" to someone because you never know if that person loves you back
Love is a scary thing
it can break you, change you, strengthen you in ways you never thought possible
but once you fall in love and really see what love is you are never ever the same

People think they know everything
they really don't know anything at all
they don't know how **** you look when you get out of the shower
or how deep your voice sounds during a phone call.
They don't know how fast my heart beats
when you randomly stare at me
they don't know how gorgeous your body is
when your lying naked next to me.
They don't know about the commitments we've made
in case one of us were to die
they don't know our special word we say
when we want to leave a party early at night.
They don't know about the plans we made
for our future life together
they don't know about the promises we made
or our belief in our love lasting forever.
They don't know about the endless letters you wrote to me
when distance consumed our lives
they don't know about the fears we faced
and all the tears we cried.
They don't know about the fights we had
that only made us stronger
they don't know about the hell we went through
just to stay together.
They don't know the last words you said to me
before you passed away
they didn't see the sparkle leave your eyes
or how your lips went from cherry red to gray.
They didn't know how tightly I squeezed your hand
begging you to hold on
they didn't know the guilt I felt
for ever doing you wrong
they didn't know the thoughts that were in my head
the first night I was home without you
they didn't know about the sleepless nights I had
because I couldn't sleep without you.
They will never know how heartbroken I was
the day I let go of it all
they will never know my last thoughts
as I pulled the trigger and let the last of my thoughts spray all over our bedroom wall.

Are you really going to worry about stupid people
who don't have anything nice to say?
If someone is bringing you down
be the bigger person and just walk away.
People will always judge you
even if you do what they want
you can never please miserable people
so why give them all that you got?
There is "CAN" in the word "can't" for a reason
because there is no such thing as can't
you can choose to listen to those who don't believe in you
or block them out and take a stand.
Be happy with who you are
you were put here for a reason
who are they to tell you your not worthy
and to make you feel less of a person?
You are beautiful inside and out
don't believe any differently
never let yourself believe that you will never be somebody
Being you is the best thing you could ever do
you don't have to explain yourself to anyone
spread your wings and don't be afraid to allow yourself to become something great.

I wish I didn't need makeup to be beautiful.
Who gives a **** that cover up brings out my natural skin tone?
Why wear eyeshadow if it makes you look like you have two black eyes?
What is the point of mascara?
Who is going to care that your eyelashes look longer than usual?
Who cares how red your lips are?
THEN THE HAIR AND CLOTHES!
Why damage your hair to the point it looks like hay?
Why put so much hairspray in to the point your hair feels like a rock?
Why spend so much much time trying to wear the cutest, sexiest, most revealing outfit?
Who do we have to impress?
Why do we have to impress everyone we come in contact with?
Why is the world so obsessed with looking good?
I hate having to put in so much effort to be beautiful but I do it anyways.
I cover up my pores,
give myself black eyes,
make my lashes longer,
burn my hair and dress fancy all for what?
The boy who doesn't know I exist?
The mean girls who won't talk bad about me now that I've impressed them?
It won't matter. They will still talk ****.
Myself?
Do I really need to go through all this effort to feel beautiful?
What's the point?
Have I really let society brainwash me into thinking that I won't be beautiful without makeup?
I hate putting myself through this beauty rollercoaster
yet I do it every single day and I have no idea why.

I still listen to old voicemail's you left on my cell
even though your voice causes me to hurt like hell
I think of all the plans we used to make
even though you had no intention of following through with them anyways
I see you with her and I can't help but wish that was me
even though you nearly destroyed me
I still have your picture on my wall
your smile still brightens my days when I feel so small
I go to places we used to go to
just to relive the happy memories again
I walk the streets we used to walk
back when we were just friends
I re-read all the letters you wrote
trying to figure out where we went wrong
on nights when I'm sad I still think of your smile
because despite all the hate you have for me it still makes me strong

As I lay here and hold you close to me
all I keep thinking about is our goodbye
to think I have to let you go when the sun comes up
just kills me inside
I knew this day was coming
I just wish it didn't have to be today
I wish we could freeze time
that way you never have to go away
I never thought I could love another soul
until your kiss brought me back to life
every touch you blessed me with
just made you that much harder to resist
As my alarm goes off and you open your eyes
I hold back tears as you kiss my lips
I love you unconditionally my dear
I will always remember us being in love just like this

If you were to tell me seven years ago
I'd be as happy as I am now
I would have laughed in your face
and asked you "How?"
If God hadn't taken control of certain situations
and just left me all alone
I probably wouldn't be here right now
listening to my favorite song
If I hadn't given up cutting
would I still be alive
or would my teenage wish come true
to go through with suicide?
Life is full of what if's
but there's one thing I've learned
it's okay to not have all the answers
things always happen as they should

Right now I need a hug
I need someone to remind me to breathe
I need someone to say my name in such a way that my heart starts beating fast
I need someone to tell me that pain is only temporary
that one day I'll meet someone who will love me endlessly
I need someone to remind me to do good
and not let myself fall into traps I can't get out of
I need someone to hold me
to let me cry until I can't cry anymore
to remind me I'm doing great
even though I don't feel like I am
I need someone to look me in the eyes
tell me I got enough faith to move mountains if I wanted to
I need to be reminded that I am never alone
reminded that someone always has my back no matter what
I need someone to tell me that I'm beautiful
just by being myself
and even though things may get rough
instead of lectures and advice
sometimes all I really need is a hug

From the very beginning
you touched me in a way no one has before
you loved everything about me
yet you didn't even know my name
you let me be myself
even though I deserved to be put in my place
instead you just listen to me vent
until a smile crosses my face
I had no idea I'd fall in love with you
with our very first "Hello"
I try to think of how my life was without you
but now it's **** near impossible
you have such an affect on me
your a drug I can't describe
you are the one for me
you are my love at first sight

Her:                                                                            Him:

I love you                                                                  I hate you
I need you                                                                 Leave me alone
Let's start over                                                          Forget you ever met me
Don't do this                                                             It's done. Let it go
I thought you loved me                                          I lied
I care for you                                                            Drop dead
Why are you doing this?                                        I found someone else
So that's it then                                                        Yeah! Goodbye!
I guess I'll move on                                                 I already have
I still love you                                                          I don't
I always have and always will.                             I don't and I never did.

When something upsets you,
stop a minute,
think and ask yourself
"Is there anything I can do to change this situation?"
If not, let it go and move on.
God will take care of it.
So will karma.

I'm not faking my happiness. Life is too short to be upset about stuff you can't control. I know what it's like to be close to making a decision that you can't take back and that decision was almost killing myself. When I sit and think of how close I was to ending it all and then I think about how far I've come, I've learned life is way too short to be misreable even though **** is going down. Nothing good comes from being upset so why be upset? Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not hurting but I'm not allowing my pain to get the best of me and keep me from moving forward. It's not being fake or living in a fantasy world. It's called being a grown up, being strong and doing the only thing you can do and that's moving forward.

He said nobody likes you

That's why your surrounded by so many people who have seen you at your worst but they love you anyways because nobody likes you

He said your a two faced *****

That's why people respect you because your honest so that's why your two faced

They said your a mistake

That's why you have life because your a mistake

They said your not talented

That's why you have over 1,000 poems written and a duffle bag full of notebooks in your closet because your not talented

She said you were fat

That's why the doctor tells you your a healthy weight because your fat

They said your smile is ugly

That's why your smile shines in all of your pictures because your smile is ugly

They said your a *****

That why you have only slept with 3 people in your 21 years of life because your a *****

They told you to go **** yourself

They can't stand seeing you happy, alive and well. That's why they want you to **** yourself

They said your ugly

That's why you get so many compliments because your ugly

They said your a waste of space

That's why the world is so big because your a waste of space

They said your getting nowhere in life

That's why your in GED classes and have a job because your getting nowhere in life

They say your a freak

Their ****** because you won't do what they say so that's why your a freak

They say no one will ever love you

That's why guys ask you out because no one will love you

They say your Mom hates you

That's why she's always buying you stuff and giving you hugs because she hates you

They talk **** all the time

It's nothing but LIES, LIES AND LIES and the proof is in our faces everyday

If only we spent more time taking in the proof instead of focusing on the lies.

I have nothing to say today
I have no thoughts racing in my brain
no ****** expressions revealing how I feel on my face
my eyes don't want to see anything but my eyelids
my heart feels nothing today
my body has no energy to move
my hands can't grasp a pen
my stomach isn't hungry
and my legs don't feel like walking
I don't want to turn on any lights
I want to enjoy the dark
I don't want to hear noise
so all of my electronics are off
I want no visitors so my front door is locked
I have no plans to leave the house
so my jeep is in the garage safely parked
I don't want to be social
so my cellphone is hidden away
I'm not depressed at all
I just have nothing to say today.

She goes to bed in short shorts and her ex-boyfriends t-shirt
not because she misses him
but because it looks **** on her
She gets excited when Mayday Parade plays on the radio
she does a dance but she doesn't look stupid
she looks absolutely beautiful
She watches the same movies over and over again
not because she's obsessed
she like the feelings she gets when they end
She loves her jean shorts with her converse and a hoodie
she could be wearing pajamas
and still look ****
She stays up all night and sleeps all day
not because she's depressed, she functions better that way
she smiles when she looks at Harry Styles on her wall
not because she thinks he's cute
he reminds her to be strong
She crushes on a man with a huge scar on his left shoulder
not because of his looks
but because of the confidence he gives her
She's a hopeless romantic with walls around her heart
she smiles on the outside
while on the inside she falls apart
She knows that she's gorgeous
yet she feels so ugly
she has a way of hiding her tears
by being really funny
She's afraid to let anyone in
yet pours her heart out in her poetry
her journal is her escape
when she needs a break from everybody
She feels like a mistake
when in reality she's a walking melody
she's God's gift to the world
and her name is Mandie.

What if on the night we broke up
you decided to stay instead of go
I think we would have ended up arguing again
causing you to walk out that door
What if instead of yelling at you first thing
I grabbed your face and kissed you
you would have found some excuse to break up with me
since breaking hearts is all you do
What if I never took you back
I think I would have been better off
you would have to live with the fact that you lost me
and I wouldn't have given dating you a single thought
What if you actually grew up
during the month we were apart
I don;t think your ready to be a man
you'd rather act like a child and run away when life gets tough
What if you just fess up to being the ***
instead of making me out to be a *****
you'd rather act like the victim
but I'm so tired of this
I'm tired of being the bad guy
while you walk around acting like a king
I hope karma gets you big time
I hope you see what it's like to lose everything

Every time I see you smile
my heart skips a beat
I smile like an idiot
my eyes began to shine
Every time we meet
Every time you laugh
I get butterflies in my stomach
I get goosebumps on my arms
my face turns red
and I can't think of a response
Every time you hold my hand
a shiver runs up my spine
I feel comfortable enough to put my head on your shoulder
close my eyes and thank God your mine
Every time you kiss me
I feel so safe and complete
I love the feeling of your body agaisnt me
as you sweep me off my feet
Every time you speak
the rest of the world goes away
all that matters is you and I
and it's like this everyday
Every time we say goodbye
I feel excitement knowing I'll see you tomorrow
I drive away feeling on top of the world
Every time I think about your smile.

Someone told me you were asking about me
you wanted to know how I've been
I told that person your not worthy enough to know anything about me
so the next time just change the subject
If you were really concerned about my well being
you would ask me yourself
instead of playing dumb to all of my friends
and wanting answers from everyone else
The truth is though I have been wonderful
I've never felt more alive
the day you left is the day you chose to let me go
and I'm grateful for the goodbye
Your exit brought many new friends
who would love to kick your ***
but I tell them your not worth it
because you are now part of my past
I'm sure you thought I would be sad for awhile
but I've been through this crap before
I know how it will go from here
you'll eventually end up at my door
Only this time when you knock
I won't answer you at all
you don't deserve me or my heart
I won't let you treat me like a toy anymore

If I could show you anything
it would be how amazing you are
If I could tell you anything
I'd tell you how much you complete me
If I could hold you in my arms
I'd hold you for eternity
If I could kiss you just once
you would make my dream come true
If I could hold your hand
I would never let it go
If I could take away your pain
I'd make sure you never cried again
If I could have one wish
It would be to show you how special you are to me
If I could do one thing in my life
it would be to make you my everything

When i think of all that's happened
and the people we used to be
I see now that we have changed
and you weren't the one for me
We tried so many times to make things work
but we continued to hit dead ends
all the constant fighting just drove us further apart
to the point we can't even be friends
I'm sad because I loved you
I'm angry at myself for wasting so much time
I wasted my life trying to be with you
to only find you will never be mine
In a way I'm glad things didn't work out
your no longer the man you used to be
you were never ready to catch me if I fell
and knowing that I'm okay we're done
because I fell out of love with you a long time ago
and I don't miss you at all.

Sometimes when I'm at home by myself
I lie in bed just thinking of all the mistakes I made.
Should i have said this?
Should I have said that?
Should i have done this?
Should I have never done that?
Did I not care enough?
Did I care too much?
Was I too clingy? Too annoying?
Did I love you too much?
Should I have been there for you through certain things instead of giving you your own space like I thought you needed?
Did I yell too much or did you not care to listen to anything I had to say?
Did I do too much?
Was I horrible in bed?
Was I too adult for you?
Should I have acted more like a kid?
Maybe I was wrong for getting mad at you when you made a mess.
Maybe I expected too much because I knew you were better than this.
Maybe I was wrong for thinking you would change.
Maybe I changed too much and you could never catch up to where I was no matter how hard you tried.
I ask myself these questions and I blame myself for never being enough.
When in all reality I was enough but you just tossed me away.
I could be the most beautiful girl in the world with guys on my *** everyday
but even then you would still get scared, make an excuse and just walk away.
Maybe I wasted my time.
Maybe I should have acted better.
Maybe I should have kept my feelings to myself
and not have written such long letters.
You think I'm not good enough but someone else in the future will call your bluff
and only then you will see what a mistake you made when you finally realize I was enough.

Waking up and 6 A.M.
I open the curtains to the let the sun shine into my room
every thing looks brand new
I slept alone for the first time in awhile
woke up with a big huge smile and I don't know why
I feel so alive.
All the things that weighed me down
I just let them go
took control of what I was running from
now I'm looking through the lens of a world that seems much brighter
everywhere I go, every step I take just feels lighter
I feel like I'm walking on cloud nine
for the first time in my life I'm convinced that I will be just fine
I'm no longer scared of the world that's out there
it feels pretty **** good to be back in my own skin
it feels good to not cry myself to sleep
it feels wonderful to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see
So many changes I'm going through
but I'm not changing for anyone else
I'm changing for me.

There is a life to start living. Go for it. ***** fear Jump in with both feet, go with the flow, be yourself and enjoy every minute of it. Fighting it won't get you anywhere. Embrace it like you would embrace a lover for all of it's flaws.