I believe that if a man cannot handle you in pajamas or sweatpants then he does not deserve to see you in a **** pair of jeans or a dress.

When you try to leave the person who is nothing but a problem for you day in and day out and you end up staying with them because you feel bad when they cry and beg for you to stay that is not love. It's pity.

You cannot be terrified to lose someone you lost a long time ago
You cannot be loved by somebody who does not want to love you back
You cannot make someone fall in love with you
All you can do is give them the opportunity to be with you
If they pass you up say okay, go out and find somebody who not only wants to be with you now
they want to be with you until they take their last breath

I never said I was perfect so do not put words in my mouth
I am not perfect and I do not try to be
I have done things that were not good for me
I have hurt people
I have disappointed people
I have made the decision to change,
to turn my wrongs into rights,
to let go of things that have made me angry for so long,
just allow myself to heal and accept the fact that I cannot control everything
Behind every success story is a struggle
I do not talk about my problems to gain attention
I do it to let others know that they are not alone
Hopefully the stories I tell from my past inspire people in some way
I am as real as I can possibly get
To be perfect is just stupid because there is no such thing

Calling each other every hour is not love
Feeling the need to message each other on Facebook every five minutes is not love
Having to be with each other twenty four hours a day is not love
Getting mad at each other when you talk to someone other than each other is not love
Starting petty arguments with each other to gain attention from each other is not love
Keeping each other away from friends or family is not love
Having anxiety attacks when you don't see each other for an hour is not love
It's obsession with one another

I am more than crazy
I am ******* insane
The only reason why that is such a problem for you is because the fact that I am so different from you scares the hell out of you
If you stopped being a follower and be your own person
maybe
just maybe
people such as myself would not intimidate you so much

They say life is a book you write yourself.
Well the story I have so far deserves to be burned until every memory that has been documented explodes to pieces never to be traced again.

I WILL NOT worry about things that I cannot control. I am going to cherish every moment I spend with whoever wants to spend time with me because I know how fast people can just disappear without any warning. I WILL NOT waste time on people who do not want anything to do with me. I will focus on the people who actually want to see me. I WILL NOT feel bad for not having a boyfriend. I know that I DON'T need a man to be happy. I have my writing, my cat, my friends and my family to fill in any emptiness that I begin to feel. I WILL NOT punish myself for things I cannot control. I am going to let go of what needs to be let go of. I am going to smile even when things are bad because I know God has it all under control. I am going to just enjoy my life and have fun.

One thing I have learned about break ups is once you face the fact that the relationship is over, you free yourself from the denial that is actually causing you more pain than the break up itself.

Before you walk out that door
listen to what I have to say
Running away from your problems
will not make them go away
Before you do anything permanent
think about the choice you're making
Is it really worth losing your life?
Do you realize the risks you are taking?
Killing yourself will not make them shut up
they will just start picking on someone else
Be the hero in this situation
go get yourself some help
You are far too beautiful and talented
to be another statistic in a **** book
Before you do anything else
go to your mirror and have a look
In front of you is a girl
who has the power to save lives
You just need a little guidance
and reassurance that you will be alright
You are a walking miracle
in a world who has lost all hope
You are the light in someone's darkness
you are someone's melody in a music note
I know the pain you feel hurts
even breathing makes you tired
You have talents begging to be seen
you have an inner fire
I know you feel alone
but you are far from it
You need to let somebody in
to help you finish what you started
Please put down that razor
and let yourself cry
Do not be afraid to show your emotions
there is no reason to hide
You are nothing like the bullies say
you are someone unique
You have what it takes to change the world
just pick up your pen and write
Your words are somebody else's words
that are afraid to be said out loud
You have no reason to feel bad
you have every reason to be proud
You were given the gift of words
words are how a person explains what they feel
You know how to open a person up
you know how to help them heal
Your future is full of greatness
the choice is up to you
To choose life or choose death
what are you going to do?

I don't know how to make a rhyme
but if I could I'd write it...
I hope that you will take the time
to read and say you like it

I know your far away from home
and miss your house and friends
But, I'm glad you came with me
and I'll be sad when it ends

As adults we sometimes fight
and sometimes disagree
But the things that we talk about
should never come between you and me

I love you very much and yes
all your brothers and sisters too.
But if I could spend the summer with one
I'd want it to be with you

So please, Mandy
make yourself at home
Here you are loved by family
and should never feel alone.

WE love you baby!


My Uncle wrote this for me in my poetry notebook when I was asleep. He knew about my depression so he left this for me to find when I woke up. I named this poem "Grand Junction, Colorado" because that is where I was when this was written. I was there for the summer visiting family and that summer was and still is my favorite summer.

I give up on love
I give up wondering whether or not me and the guy I am with are going to last forever
I give up on the little things that make a girl smile now but eventually end up hurting her in the future
I give up on the kisses
I give up on the hugs
I give up on the happiness that comes when you fall in love
I give up on feeling what the other person is feeling
I give up anniversaries and dinners to meet parents who will always find a reason as to why you are not good enough for their son
I give up on special moments and promises
I give up getting close to somebody just so they can break me into a million pieces
I give up being emotionally lonely
I give up being ignored
I give up on everything that has to do with love
I can't keep doing this to my heart anymore

Today I feel sick
I also feel very tired
All I want to do is sleep but I can't because my stomach hurts too much
I have no energy to do anything
I do not want to talk to anybody
I just want to sleep the day away but that is turning out to be impossible
Even as I write this my head is beginning to hurt
I have these headaches so much lately that it is hard to do anything
Sometimes I feel like a zombie because I force myself to live
otherwise I would just lay in bed and waste the day away
I feel like crap all of the time
maybe I am dying from a disease and do not know it
I am too scared to go to the doctor
so I live in pain and try my best to ignore it
Ignoring it does not help it just makes the problem worse
I do not know what I am going to do
I am running out of ways to deal with this
Maybe if I just pop a bunch of pills
I will be knocked out and pain free forever

Have you ever felt like you were falling and you couldn't seem to stop?
You see the past flash before your eyes and you try to grab onto your favorite memory so you can cherish it forever but as you try to grab it the memory slips through your fingers like sand?
This fall has made you speechless.
It practically took your breath away.
You don't remember what made you fall, then again, you don't really want to know because you're afraid of what you will hear.
When I fall I can't control my landing.
It is either soft or it is painful.
Usually my fall ends with me lying in a black hole begging to be saved yet no one hears me.
I forget who I am so I let my mind slip away.
I lose track of everything until I am no longer the same.
My life is like a long fall sometimes.
Sometimes I land in death.
I can land in water and drown or land on a cliff busting my brains out.
I like the part when I die especially when I don't have to suffer.
Not only does the world make sense but that means that my fall is finally over.

Always
Making
A
Not
So
Nice
Day
Amazing

One little cut across my precious skin

I feel the blood leaking out of me as it slides down my leg
I feel everything that has been bothering me drift away
As the first drop of blood touches the floor with this high I am experiencing

I make another cut

and another

and another

and another

and another

Until I am so cut up that I am numb
I can't feel anything and this is what I want
To not feel anything
To not have to deal with this pain that makes living so unbearable

But this

This habit in which I have developed is what keeps me going
If it wasn't for this addiction
this pleasure
this outside pain
this high
this coping mechanism
I would be dead
With cutting I cut to numb the pain inside
I cut to make sure that I am still alive

I cut

because this addiction is a secret in which no one else knows about

and I like it that way.

Last night I died
I didn't want to wake up
I wish the doctor didn't bring me back
it hurt to be woken up
I died of a broken heart
I know that was the reason for sure
I could not bear to live a lie anymore
not when I am in love with a heart that is so pure
I woke up in my ripped up jeans
I felt sick, I felt light
I saw a nurse standing over me
telling me that I will be alright
She held my hand lightly
I had nothing to say
My mind was completely blank
I never thought I would live to see this day
The hospital was cold
they wheeled me to my room
By the time I was settled in with an IV in my arm
it was already noon
I had no expression on my face
I had no feeling under my skin
I just wanted to go outside
and keep all of my feelings bottled within
I am now forced to stay in this place
I am told I need help
I guess I overdosed on pills
maybe it's cause my life is hell
For now I am doing better
I got a lot of work ahead
I might as well get comfortable
I think to myself as I fall asleep in my hospital bed

I am so shaky right now
it is beginning to scare me
I am feeling dizzy and tired
I am not quite understanding what is happening to me
Maybe I am not getting enough sleep
Maybe I am really stressed
Maybe I am going crazy
Maybe this is a test
School is feeling like a prison
it takes everything I have to go
The heat is making me sick
I wish God would let it snow
The days seem so long
I just want to fade away
No matter how happy I am
I still get depressed everyday
I am losing all hope for myself
this battle is overwhelming
Despite all of the friends and family I have
none of them are helping
Suicide is a common thought
I even dream about it in my dreams
I mostly think about death
when I am having bad days like today
Hopefully my mood changes
I don't like wanting to die
The only thing I can do for now
is keep going and try not to cry

Swaying on the swing set in the warm summer breeze
I close my eyes and smile
I love days like these
Days at the park are priceless
I let my mind go free
I dance as the leaves make music
I run feeling the cold grass on my feet
I sit on the bench and watch others live their lives
I am in awe with what I see
There are no celebrities walking the red carpet
I see average people like you and me
I come to the park to escape the teenage life
whenever I'm here I feel like I am four again
No girl is judging me or my clothes
no guy is calling me a *****
As the sun touches my skin I feel a warmth that can only come from love
I think about the scars on my arms
I cry until I have had enough
I get up and I spin in circles again
with each circle I make a piece of my past falls off of me
and that moment becomes a brand new day

I remember the day that you died
you took a part of me I will never have again
Not only were you my lover
you were my very best friend
We did everything together
our worlds were complete
We made each other happy
by dancing to our own heartbeats
When you told me you were sick
I thought you would be okay
I thought we would go together
but you went to heaven without me that day
You slipped away in your sleep
while I held your hand tight
I prayed for you to wake up
but you never did that night
I cried for hours when you left
I was scared to let you go
I laid by your side and whispered
all of the things I thought you needed to know
I told you that I loved you
more than I loved myself
I told you that you were all I ever wanted
I never wanted anyone else
I kissed your lips one last time
they were cold and a little gray
When they took you from the room wrapped in a sheet
I quickly got on my knees to pray
I asked God why you had to go
I wanted you to come back
but I realized that this is reality
there was nothing I could do about that
I sit here and think about that day
it still brings a tear to my eye
I look up at the stars at night
I see you shining in the sky
It wasn't my time to go yet
that is something I had to accept
I know that you're still by my side
your soul hasn't quite left me just yet

Kiss me when I'm happy
Kiss me when I'm mad
Kiss me when I'm hyper
Kiss me when I'm sad
Kiss me when I'm sleepy
Kiss me when I'm sick
Kiss me when you're bored because I can't get enough of your lips
Kiss me in your car
Kiss me in the shower
Kiss me when we're walking
Kiss me for a couple of hours
Kiss me during school
Kiss me during work
Kiss me when I'm scared
Kiss me when I'm a ****
Kiss me when your dreams come true
Kiss me at hello
Kiss me when your world crashes down
Kiss me when your feeling low
Kiss me because you love me
Kiss me at goodbye
Kiss me for no reason at all
Your kisses are what keeps me alive

You tell me that my hair is too dark
perhaps I should lighten it up
You tell me you don't like how I act
I'm sorry I really don't give a ****
You tell me my band shirts are disgusting
I should try to wear more pink
You say I will never get anywhere in life
I really don't care what you think
You tell me my friends are immature
I should get friends my own age
You say I walk funny, you say I laugh too loud
who really cares anyways
You tell me that I am stupid
you say my life is a waste
If you don't like who I am or how I act
then get the hell out of my face
You can say whatever you want
I think I am just fine
I don't want to be friends with somebody
who is negative and constantly whines
You may say that I am ugly
I think I am beautiful the way I am
Keep talking the way you are
because once again I do not give a ****

Insecurities keep your voice from being heard

One of the hardest things to do in life
is to learn how to let go
You learn to cry in private
and a fake smile is all that you show
To live your life with a broken heart
is not so easy to do
You keep going to ease the pain
you try to do what is best for you
Letting go is one of the bravest things I have ever done
When I let go I slowly start to see that a new chapter has begun
I do my best to go out, have fun
push my pain to the side
When I'm alone I hurt again
all I can do is cry
Loving someone who does not love you back
that takes a lot of guts
You think things, you say things
you do things other people think is nuts
But when you're with that special person
it doesn't matter what others think
You be yourself, you enjoy the moment
you forget about making mistakes
Love is so beautiful to me
it challenges you in many ways
You learn how to respect others
even when you're having bad days
Love is a gift that brings out the best in you
Sometimes love is letting go so others can be happy
even though it is the hardest thing to do

I believe in the term "Anything Is Possible"
I believe you can make something positive out of a situation that is terrible
I believe that with hope and prayer lives can be saved
I believe that miracles happen each and everyday
I believe true love lasts forever even if you're young
I believe you become stronger when you don't listen to everyone
I believe in the goodness of people even after a broken heart
I believe that greatness is born after something falls apart
I believe you can still be a kid even though you grow up
I believe in dreams coming true if you do your best not to give up
I believe God has your back even though you can't see his face
I believe everyone is special despite their religion and their race
I believe in going to heaven after a person dies
I believe it is 100% okay to cry and not know why
I believe I can change the world
I know I can't do it on my own
I believe in friendships
I know that I am never alone

A teardrop falls down my cheek
I do apologize for looking so weak
I'm just really stressed, I don't know where to turn
this week has been hell yet full of lessons I had to learn
There has been so much drama here lately
I can't concentrate on life
All I think about is cutting myself
whenever I see a knife
I am smoking cigarette after cigarette
just to stay calm
Reality hits me so I cry again
because everything is going so wrong
Everyone is breaking up
Everyone is freaking out
People are spreading rumors about situations
they know nothing about
Friendships are ruined
couples they fight
I do all that I can to keep my pain out of sight
I don't know what is happening
I can't control what goes on
I wish these conflicts were shorter
their taking too long
I want life to be good again
I want everyone to get along
I just want my best friend back...

Cut my wrists
Make me bleed
Tell me I'm worthless
Push me down onto my knees
Make me cry
Make me mad
Give me your pain
so you're not hurting as bad
Take my life
Spit on me
Tie me down
Beat the crap out of me
Say what you want
I won't care
Stab me in the back
who cares anyway because life is never fair
Lie to me
Cheat on me
Knock someone up
Tell me you love me then break up with me
I no longer give a ****
Leave me alone
Take my friends
Tell them a bunch of lies
Let me grow old and die alone
I give up on my life

He still won't talk to me
He won't even look at me
He got rid of everything that was mine
He won't text me
He won't call me
I miss him
I miss our friendship
I miss our song
I miss everything
I want it all back
I want it back so bad
There is nothing I can do
I can't cry
I have to be strong
I can't be negative
I have to be positive
I have to have faith that everything will be okay
All I can say is that I miss him
I think about him all the time
I don't hate him
I'm not mad at him
I won't feel better until he talks to me again
The day he talks to me is the day I will stop hurting
I don't want to lose him
I won't be the same without him
I really miss him

I woke up this morning with a lot of pressure on my chest
It was hard to get out of bed because I barely got any rest
I poured myself a cup of coffee and took a look in my bedroom mirror
I looked messy and horrible but I told my reflection "you look beautiful dear"
I went outside for a cigarette and let the cold air hit my skin
I tried my best to hold back tears from the pain I held within
I sang to myself a sad song to help get me by
but the song I chose didn't help
all it did was make me cry
I try my best to stay strong
but that is an impossible task
The more I see you the more I wish our relationship would have last
There is nothing to do but for me to move on even though that is hard to do
The only reason why it's hard is because I still really love you

I don't want him to go away
I don't want us to go away
I don't want our memories to go away
I don't want to lose him
I don't want all of the good times we have to disappear
I don't ever want to think about us splitting up
I like being with him
I like who I am around him
I like how nothing can hurt me when I am in his arms
I like hearing his voice when I am going to sleep
I like how he kisses me goodbye when I leave his house at night
I like the friendship we have
I like how close we are
I like how he makes me laugh
I like how he wipes my tears away
I like how the world looks so pretty when he is smiling at me
I like his encouragement
I like how he keeps me strong
I like how on really hot days we always find something to do
I like how he calls me "babe"
I like how I can get so crazy around him and he doesn't care
I like how he's pure of heart
I want him to stay
I want us to stay
I want the memories we have to never go away

I look at old photographs
all I can do is cry
I sit outside and let myself freeze
as I look at the stars in the sky
I'm wondering how you're doing
I haven't seen you in a month
The last memory I have with you
is you telling me you love me very much
I think about the words you told me
I remember how you said them so perfectly
You told everyone that I was your girl
you told your family how much you loved me
Now everything is different
no one believes that now
I'm trying to not be so insecure
but honestly I don't know how
I sit here in this cold weather
doing all I can to breathe
It's hard to move, it's hard to think
when I'm begging to God on my knees
I wrap myself up in a blanket
I look at the stars one last time
I pray that you're happy wherever you are
I hope to God that you're doing alright

There comes a time where things happen for a reason and there is nothing  we can do about that. There comes a time when we leave our hearts open knowing that our hearts may get broken sometimes. There comes a time when everything falls apart and you ask yourself "how did I get here"? When that happens, that is the time to take a stand, stay strong, and tell the one you love how you feel even though you might get rejected in the end. You don't want to spend your life wondering "what if" or live in regret because you didn't take a risk in love.

I think about a lot of things
but you're the greatest thought in my head
I think about you when I am in school
I think about you while falling asleep in my bed
The thoughts I have are not bad
they actually make me smile
They sometimes make me laugh
which is good every once in awhile
I think about you taking off your shirt when it's 93 degrees outside
I don't think about the problems I have because you're the best thing in my life
I think about how your eyes look when you look straight at me
I think about how your heart beats when I hold you close against me
I think about the time when we played hide and seek in the park
I think about our first kiss and the feeling I got in my heart
I think about me falling asleep in your arms and how you hold me tight
I don't think about bad days because with you everything is alright
I think about how much I love you and how it feels good to know that you love me too
My heart never fails to beat fast whenever I think of you

How did I get here?
Where am I from?
How did I get this heart break feeling that seems to be making me numb?
Why are you not here with me?
Why did you go?
Why did you fall out of love with me?
The answer, I will never know and it hurts so badly inside.
What's even worse is that I can't get you off of my mind
I want you back
I want you near
I want the laughter, I want the touch that took away all of my fears
I want your kiss upon my lips
I want the smiles, I want the hugs
I want to feel anything but this because this feeling that I have just isn't right
It's causing me to run and hide and I don't want to be that girl who throws true love away
So I'm telling you now
I don't want to lose you
so will you please stay?

I am confident
I am beautiful
I am radiant
I am delightful
I am strong
I am committed
I am talented
and I am not a quitter
I am friendly
I am proud
I am funny
and I am loud
I am smart
I am sweet
I am lovable
I am impossible to beat
I am strange
I am weird
I am different
and I don't care
I am serious
I am caring
and I never judge people by what they are wearing
I am a dreamer
I am a friend
I am a girlfriend who is faithful until the end
I am active
I am free
I refuse to be another stereotype
I choose to be me

Today I went all natural
I feel very pretty today
I don't care how others view me
I don't care about what others have to say
I went to school in my pajamas
my hair isn't really done
Even though I am the only one in my pajamas
I am still having a lot of fun
My friends are all smiling today
today seems to be good
The weather is nice, my boyfriend is well
school is going great as it should
No one is starting drama
I am not feeling emotionally sick
I had two cups of coffee at five in the morning
so I woke up really quick
I hope today stays this way
it feels nice to not be stressed
Not only do I have plans after school
but last night I got plenty of rest
I feel very out of my skin today
I feel energized and alive
I am going to enjoy this moment that I am in
and kiss all of the drama goodbye

When I look into the mirror
I see a girl with a lot of talent
I see someone beautiful and amazing
I see a girl who is not afraid to admit when she's had it
Not only do I see beauty
I see a girl with a good heart
I see respect and intelligence
I see strength for when she falls apart
I see courage and happiness
I see understanding and hope
I see personality and *****
I see a girl confident enough to reach for the stars
I see love and friendship
I see miracles and laughter
I see **** and glamorous
I see a girl who believes in happily ever afters
I see a girl who sees the heart for what it truly is
I see a girl who is mysterious
sort of like a walking quiz
I see nothing but greatness
I see individuality
I see a girl who is proud to be unique
I see the naturally, sweet and silly Mandie  


This is a me I haven't seen in a really long time. I missed her. Please don't ever go away again.

Dear guardian angel I am really frustrated
I hate being talked about and I hate being hated
I just want to go home, I do not want to be here
I want to be cool with the friends that I love so dear
I do not like feeling uncomfortable
Please make this feeling stop
it feels like someone is holding me down while beating my face in with a rock
I really want this day to be good
I want this day to be fun
I do not want to get angry and call my mom because that's all I do is run
Guardian angel please be with me today
keep me strong if I start to cry
I know I am a hassle but I will try to behave even though I just want to die
Give me a song to replay in my head to remind me I will be alright
Help my sister to have a good day too so me and her do not have a fight
Guardian angel help me keep my comments to myself
help me to have no fear
Help me walk tall with my chin up
even though I feel really weird
Help me to be my best self
Help me to be patient
Help me to not be so tense today
help me to just go with it

They can say whatever they want
what they say won't affect me
I am going to stay strong like I always do
I will be the best Mandie I can be
All these people do is talk
because their bored with their lives
Their not happy unless their ******* somebody off
and no one really knows why
Maybe their jealous of me
I can't understand the reason
It seems they want what I have
and what I have is what they need
Even though these people are jerks
I still choose to be nice
I will hold them if they need to cry
and I will be there to give them advice
I am feeling really great right now
nothing can bring me down
I am not tired and I am not angry
I have a smile instead of a frown
Today is a good day
I'm hoping it stays that way
My main goal for this very day is to not give a rat's *** about what others have to say

I am different in many ways
I don't expect you to understand
I'm sad when I'm happy
I'm happy when I'm mad
I have days where I can be myself
and days when I can't
There are days when I get so upset
that I become a person even I don't understand
I get so emotional
that I could drown in my tears
I can't seem to let go of the baggage that I have been carrying around for years
I get so frustrated because good times never last
I wish the world would just freeze
because it's moving way too fast...

I have a lot of secrets
there are some I cannot share
Some things need to be kept quiet
I am sorry if you don't think that's fair
There are bad things that I have done
I have made people cry
I have disliked a person so very much
that I wished she would die
Some of the secrets I have though
are secrets I cannot hide
Everyone knows that I used to be a cutter
and yes I have thought of suicide
Sometimes I still have suicidal thoughts
but I am learning to ignore them
I am learning to embrace life like a giant cookie
I don't need to give into them
Some secrets I have make me cry
I wish they weren't in my head
When I think of these secrets they make me angry
and I wish myself dead
These secrets are past memories that no one else needs to know
their memories that don't exist anymore
meaning it is time I let them go

I am sitting in school bored out of my mind
I am looking for something to do just to pass the time
I could really use a cigarette
I really need a buzz
right now I don't care what anyone has to say
I don't care what anyone does
I am really, really tired
I am falling asleep in my chair
I could pass out on the floor
and I wouldn't even care
I do not want to do work
I do not want to do anything
I want the burn on my hand to hurry up and heal
I do not like being in pain
I hope it rains today
it has not rained in weeks
I do not mind getting wet
and jumping in puddles with my bare feet
I want someone to talk to to help me pass the time
I wish my boyfriend was here
he keeps me from being bored out of my mind

There's not much I can say
other than the time is near
It's time for me to leave this earth
it's time for me to face my fear
I've suffered more than I should have
I should've been gone a long time ago
I tried my best to keep moving forward
but for me that seems to be impossible
I'm sorry it has to be this way
but it's something I gotta do
I'm not doing this to be selfish
I'm sorry if I'm hurting you
but I'm ready to go to a special place
a place where tears don't exist
because down here I suffer so much
that I can no longer focus
Don't cry for me when I'm gone
you know I'll be alright
Whenever you need me just look to the stars
I'll be in the sky shining bright
Go on, live your life, make your dreams come true
and know there's never been a day when I didn't think about you
I've done all I had to
I'm not needed anymore
When your time is up
I'll be waiting for you at heaven's door
So let me go please
don't ever forget to smile
Death doesn't stop true love
it just delays it for awhile

Be honest even if the truth hurts.
Love even though it hurts like hell.
Be supportive even if you don't like the situation.
Do what's right even though you might get laughed at.
Smile as if nothing is wrong.
Be you because that's the best person you can be.

My baby brother Thomas turns thirteen today
it makes me feel so old
I can't believe he's a teenager
he's so young yet so bold
It seems like just yesterday he was born
he was small and chunky too
I swear last week he was learning to walk
while chewing on his Winnie The Pooh
Everyday I see him growing
it sometimes makes me cry
It's cool to see him grow his wings
so he can eventually fly
He runs and he laughs so fearlessly
he scares me sometimes
but when he comes home with a smile on his face
that's how I know he's alright
I learn a lot from my baby brother
I don't think he knows that
I know one thing if I'm in any trouble
my baby brother always has my back
He teaches me to be carefree
to not let others define who I am
he's one of the reasons why I'm still here
and when it comes to drama he does not give a ****
I'm happy Thomas is my brother
he is definitely my baby boy
Even when he annoys me to death
he is still my pride and joy
I am glad I've had him for thirteen years
it's been a fun journey so far
I can't wait for what's coming in the next thirteen years
maybe he will be the world's next superstar
All in all I love him so much
and there is only one thing I can say
that is you are really special Thomas
I love you baby brother
Happy Birthday

Right now I am really angry
everything is bugging me
Every voice I hear is like nails on a chalkboard
and it's aggravating to me
Why can't anyone shut the hell up?
It's really ******* me off
Everyone is fighting over stupid drama
when will they have enough?
I want to go home at this very moment
I want to burst into tears
I feel alone in this very space
I'm being suffocated by my fears
I need to leave because I'm heated up
I am going to lose my mind
Why does everyday have to **** up?
Why can't I just be happy here for once?

I had a lot of anger issues as a teen but my anger was only worse when I was at school. I couldn't stand my peers. Their immaturity made me want to scratch out my eyes. The teachers always complained because I always wanted to do things on my own instead of participate with the class. I hated to participate because I am a fast learner and I just hated sitting an hour being taught something that I could teach myself. I didn't like being bothered by people. I was the girl who liked to sit in the corner and read a book by myself. I had a lot of days where I just walked off of campus because I seriously thought I would hurt someone if I stayed. Eventually I dropped out and some people may think that was a dumb choice but for me it was the best choice and I don't regret it.

When I'm angry I cut.
When I cut it's like this high.
I feel everything that's eating away at me inside come out of me through one cut.
I bleed and it doesn't hurt.
I feel relieved.
I feel like I can breathe and I suddenly have the energy to carry on when really I just want to give up.

When I'm sleeping I dream.
I dream of a world where stereotypes do not exist.
Everyone is happy.
Everyone is faithful.
The economy doesn't ****, the president is someone you can trust and everyone is getting along.
No one is emo, no one is ghetto, no one is scene.
You're just yourself and you're accepted because you're fine just the way you are.

When I'm content, calm, speechless, sad, or nervous I write.
I write about things I can't say in person.
I write about thoughts that interfere with my daily routine.
I write about my fears, my insecurities and words that when I look at them, they form an understanding to who I am but when others look at them they have no idea what I am talking about.
Writing gives me the time to be myself.
Writing is a part of me.
It is me which is why I do it everyday.

The blood seeps out of my thick pale thighs
and it doesn't seem to stop
The tears fall out of my dark hazel eyes
as I hear the razor drop
My body turns numb while ignoring the pain
it feels like I'm half dead
The blood gets darker and my eyes get wetter
there are absolutely no thoughts in my head
All I can hear is my heartbeat
it isn't beating fast anymore
I feel myself getting colder
as I sit on the cold tile floor
I feel myself getting sleepy
as if I just ran a really long race
I close my eyes and continue to bleed
while wiping the tears off of my face
I'm hurting inside more than usual today
the pain just won't go away
I could write in a journal or talk to someone
but what the hell am I supposed to say?
No one in this life can help me
so I cut to cope with the pain
All the while hoping I die
so I can get the **** away from everybody else

If I could just die in my sleep right now
that would be okay with me
I could finally get out of this hell hole
and everyone would just let me be
I could get away from all of the fighting
and yelling that takes place day to day
I could be forgotten in a second
and that would be okay
I want to be left alone
I want the pressure to be perfect to end
I want the world to stop looking at me like a bug under a microscope
I want perfection to stop being a trend
I want people to stop ******* judging me
I want the constant need to talk **** to stop
I want my way of thinking to be left alone
without making judgments on my heart
I want it to rain forever
so the world can see my constant pain
I want my past to drop dead already
and stop affecting me in everything
I want to take my last breath now
I say 20 years of living is enough
I can't take this pressure we call life
it's just not worth it anymore

I can't wait for you anymore
you and I are not the same
I've been patient but I'm losing myself
I don't even know my name
What are you planning to do with your life?
You're lazy and you tell lies
There are people and family that love you
but that's too difficult for you to realize
It's interesting how you are
you got so much greatness and talent
You never want to let yourself shine
because you're stuck behind unhealthy habits
One day you will be alone
You will never know who you are
Keep running away from your problems
you won't get very far