you cant help me, theres nothing you can do
cause im already broken through and through
just leave me alone and ill disappear
no one will notice im not here
ill be a shadow on the wall
and none of you will even know at all
im breaking piece by piece
my end is nearly here
goodbye, notice im gone or not
I dont care
its just me
why would you
even care?

Think of the first moment you knew. Think of the diagnosis. The strings of meaningless letters - OCD, Bipolar disorder, Xanax, Lamictal. Think of the year you wasted confirming that, yes, you are, in fact, sad. Think of the year after that that it took to get help. Think of the time you could’ve spent teaching or running or doing anything but telling yourself that you’d leave your room in just five more minutes. Think of all the times you tried to cut yourself but couldn’t because you “aren’t that person anymore.” Tell me, would someone who’s “not that person” need to constantly remind themselves? Think of the happiest moment of your life. Now, realize that Bipolar Disorder gets worse as you get older. Think of that happiest moment and realize that you may never feel that good again. Think of the songs you tried to write. Think of the poems and screenplays and suicide notes you tried to write. Think of your mom, think of your dad. Think of your mom and dad crying. Think of your mom and dad moving on. Think of them not thinking about you much anymore. Realize that dead is dead no matter how much someone thinks about you. Think about killing yourself anyway. Think of it often. Shine the idea like your favorite ******* mirror. Think about taking medication. Anxiety makes it so hard to use your telephone which makes it almost impossible to get medication. Think of medication like you think of death: permanent. Think of permanence like you think of a brick. The brick you always see smashing your face attached to a disembodied hand. Think, ******* think of sunlight. Your brain will try to make it burn you but just think of sunlight. Fall in love with it daily, even when you can’t see it. Even when it’s just a mythological creature your mother told you about so you’d sleep. Think about sleep. How asleep, you are perfect just like the child you were and still are. Think about the stories you tell yourself so next year doesn’t seem so far away. Think about the story. Think about the story of the sun if you die. It dies too.

For those who say life’s easy, they obviously haven’t tried,
For those who found it difficult, some of whom have died.

For those who are still struggling, don’t hold your head in shame,
No one said life was easy; you’re not the one to blame.

Those dark days may be difficult, but know that they will end,
Look for the brighter future around life’s winding bend
.
What troubles you today, will be a breeze tomorrow,
Don’t make the harsh decision and leaves other to face sorrow.

To know that you are loved and that they all do care,
Will lift weight from your shoulders, no more a load to bear.

Now talk about your troubles and share your problems open,
It’s not a sign of weakness; it simply shows your copin.

Sometimes life’s problems exceed us, they can be overcome.
You may have lost the battle, but the war will soon be won.

Now stand up proud while smiling and know that life is brighter.
They say god loves a trier, he also loves a fighter

So if you see a friend whose load they cannot bear,
just reach out your hand to them to show how much you care.

That one simple gesture can re inspire hope
and help someone who’s struggling to make them better cope

Seeing his body lying before me felt unreal
If I only knew of the pain he would feel
As my shades shades the rays and hides my sobbing gaze
Never would I have thought to see this day
Tears fill my eyes as I hug his mother
He use to be like my blood,my brother
She says "His saddness is at an end."
The pain is indescribable watching them bury your oldest friend.

I want to write a
beautiful poem
to tell you
I'm going to
**** myself.

But there are
No words
beautiful enough
to describe to you
the way
I'm about to die.

It's all about being AFRAID

Afraid, afraid to close your eyes because you don't want to dream.
Dreams are not reality, in fact they are everything you wished you had, teasing you till you become Insane. You cry for the day someone will understand you pain, the pain that's never the same, you've become afraid to fall asleep, to fall asleep and never wake up, but that's what you want isn't it? To end the pain you've been suffering.

you don't have the guts, you can't sit there and take your life, you fall and fall, constantly picking yourself up, but never forgetting to leaving bits behind, your body becomes soulless, it becomes dark, you once were something, now nothing, Dreaming of the day you won't have this pain, going insane, you watch others , they're not hiding, why are you?

Why are you so afraid to let others see you fall, to know that you once have given your all but have received nothing at all for the things so small , see a dream can Become you're worst enemy, haunting you with the things you desperately need.

You internally bleed, but on the outside you plead, you plead for it to all go away, you know it doesn't happen just like that and that it's within time, but what if there's not enough time.

They say that some things can make you stronger , but you've given up on being strong , as I sit here, I realize that there isn't one strong bone left in my body, I carry my self to only let myself down , I put faith in others for them to only let me down, it's a never ending cycle , and it seems to have become all I've known, we all need and want someone to care, but that's not what I want nor do I need it, I've mentally and most times physically been on my own.

I'm not upset anymore because I don't have anyone there or anyone who loves me , I'm upset at the fact that I allowed myself to fall into such state of darkness , the darkness that tell you that's it's okay to let this be the end, you have the devil on one shoulder and god on the other , but the devil is playing tricks on you , tricks of the mind...

So I sit here and ask myself what it is that I truly want , and who I want to do it with,

No one and nothing , you hear all these inspirational speakers who can talk about their journey, their struggles and how they overcame them.. What if you don't know where it all began , it could of just popped up out of no where, but that's not how it is, there is always a beginning,  and an end, for now I will hold onto the beginning, and hope for the end.