It's not my fault,
That I can't leave the house.
I can't stop
Being self conscious at all.
It's eating me alive.
It's taking my soul.

I wish I could leave the house
As easily as
Every other teen.
I want to be like them.
I wish to fit in.

Most days,
It's hard to breathe.
Most days,
I struggle to eat.

I hate me.
I hate who I am.
I want to leave this shell I'm caged in.
I want to be someone else.
Anybody else.

as the sun falls on another dusty, mould soaked house
you sink back down into your torn arm chair
and smile to the bottom of your glass,
bottoms up
With the faint smell of death rolling under the front door
you light up another smoke
only 1 and half packs left for the day til you're done.
with that smile still there you smooth back greasy hair
nothing but a tree scratching at the crooked window pane
refelect on your day, sweetheart, I saw it all, i know your thoughts
but you do honestly think handing out false compliments
will make you that little bit better?
will "your hair is stunning" to the balding old woman
erase every single one of your scars?
of course, were he still alive, he'd say pathetic scars.
battle wounds you call them,
battle wounds from a war he said you started
upper left arm, theres a cigar burn scar
you say, "pa, did this, filthy ****"
he meant the world to you, he abused you
but i know your thoughts, you loved him
right arm broken at age 6, it never healed real well
right hand shattered at 3, you were lucky that time
he'd chase you around the house, i know.
you paid your dues, the world was ready to give you it all
but you knew nothing more
than Bottoms up
and passing out on dusty floors.

you try way too hard.
There is no depth
in the hundreds of words
that spill from your pen.
Is there more to you?
Nay, you are shallow,
though you wish to believe not.

You are a body
filled with cliche's of
boring spiderweb sentences
and stringy muscles
that are words.

Stolen eyes,
like stolen phrases you hide
deep within the chorus.

Paralyzing true minds.

"It's okay,
I'm a big girl now,
You don't have to constantly
watch what you say and do.
I've grown up alot."

"But, you're a mess...
I'm so sorry for..."
You keep choking
on your words.

I smile gently,
"It's okay, I'm fine.
This was never your fault."

I tried my hardest to reassure you
But, you cried so softly.
Once again,
You were so beautiful
when tears rolled down your face
But crying was such a rarity
For you.

I yell for the monster to come out from under my bed,
but all that emerges,
is the monster in my head.

Let the masses dance, 
Around your god-like spirit
Before they feast
Draining your eyes of good will
And your lips of pink. 
Breathe
Before they inhale
Your existance. 
Eat your own heart
Before they suckle on your pulse
And set fire to your hands
Letting the wind carry
The ashes to the devil.

Twisted, dizzy and drunk as ****,  
lust took her hand, throwing her at you,
she's sorry for all the things she said,
she never meant a word,
she never meant anything,
she just needed to be wanted,
cheap wine and stolen beer,
feeding the beast,
and the vile bubbly taste,
knew she was gonna break your heart,  
A strangers lounge and a boy way too old,
a perfect mix for the best horrific memories,
if she drank anymore, I'm sure she would have,
taken your heart and ate it,
because she's a alcoholic beast,
tormenting male hearts.

Insomnia came to play again,
so we'll probably just wait
and watch the sun come up.

And when people ask me tomorrow
"Gee, how'd you get such a healthy glow?"
I'll reply awkwardly with
"I have not slept in days."

Just... I am demons.
You are beautiful, love. I've seen inside your smile.
I'll tear apart what's left of your heart.
You have eyes... darker blue than the night,
so deep they pierce my burnt soul.

In 15 years time,
I'll walk the streets of the place we promised to escape to
and I'll look up at the stars wondering if you see them now like i do,
I'll stumble over cobble stone roads, in the last stages of our memories,
I'll bump into foreign strangers, I'll be in a daze,
I'll smile politely as an apology and they'll do the same,
Time will have almost done its job of healing and erasing,
but in 15 years time, when I turn a street corner,
I'll see your face, ask if we know each other
and you'll reply with, "We promised to meet here,
just 15 years ago, dear."
In 15 years time, I'll fall hopelessly in love with you all over again.

7 months,
    $400
         And a 1,178km medicinal trip
         To a freedom unbeknown
         And untasted by these eyes
         I am so ready, but is my life?

8 weeks,
              10 tests, doused in falsities that kidnap the education system,
              3 months and I am done,
             Finished and fully educated to their standard.
             So close and yet so far,
             I haven't learnt a thing.

Do I or don't I?
It's a double edged sword
And I'm cutting myself with both sides.
It's a comfortable torture,
Which is horrifying in itself.
Tonight I dance with self inflicted silence
Again; and I forget to breathe.
Every second petal fell...
Screaming
HE
      LOVES
                   YOU
                           NOT.
Where do I fall from here?
Memories rush of times when I let blood dry
Night after night again on my thigh.
He was there, but what constellation do I call home now?

You are my home, my heart and the stars.
What have I done?
It feels cold; so cold and the air is fragile
When you're silent.
But my flat lining heart isn't as quiet as I'd like.

i.
I’m not cold I’ve just been shaking since you got home.

ii.
3/1/21
you told me I wasn’t enough

iii.
26/12/2020
“if you ever thought I didn’t see being with you for the rest of my life, you’d be wrong”

iv.
Everything you do makes me feel like I’m not enough, which means that every single day I ache. And you will never experience that.

v.
3/12/20
“You’re so beautiful, Madeline”

vi.
Remember when this was supposed to be forever?

vii.
The realisation of knowing you’re gone and what we had is forever over, will always sting and ache always.

viii.
We can start over again

Your eyelashes hold the tears
of a thousand men and womens sorrows,
you speak to the dead
and yet, and yet
you scream happiness.
you bite your tongue in the arch
of every conversation
afraid of twisting words through your teeth,
It's sunny outside baby,
wipe the dust off the window
with your green sweater,
green was never your colour
leave your house
breathe in freedom
and exhale the voices of the dead,
let them go home, baby,
stop holding on
Kiss me without the taste of dust
on your lips,
break the frozen grass with your bare feet,
Exhale the dead, baby.

Carry me to the edge of the world
I want to see colours as I fade.
Shake me free of all the shackles
As you leave me behind...
Shake me free of all this wisdom;
The torments of my mind.
Carry me, as I breathe heavily,
To the edge of the world...
Carry me; I want to die.

Though there is a beginning and end to every story
The human end is very different to normal
Now, now,
I'm not saying we're immortal
or you'll be a zombie until the world explodes
I'm saying there is an end, we will die
but our spirits live on through others
and supernatural explanations which are unexplanatory
(for my own vocabulary anyway)
I'm saying that one day,
we'll rot, be eaten by insects and be entirely consumed by dirt,
time will eventually allow our names to fade from paper
and dust in the wind will become our bones
but we all have that one footprint
that stains this earth forever
and we do stay here together,
We don't die, we just change shapes.
We leave our bodies and become something else,
we enter the empty space called death
to watch everyone else still breathing
with pink hearts beating.

Never, not once, in my life
Or past lives, even past centuries,
Have I been a formula.
I dance in the eyes of needles
And underneath the skin of skinless beasts.
I sing with my fingers,
Around (your throat) the pen
And I smile with a thousand hearts in my eyes.

I have never been the essential equations,
Numbers, measurements and shapes
That glue together formulas.

I am not normality that you can bottle,
I was born to drown in the sky.

You shake like a ******* crack addict coming down,
Yet, you've never smoked it in your life,
I don't mean to be obnoxious,
But, jesus christ!
Are you alright?
"Get out of here."
Pardon? I'm here to help you.
"They want me, and with you here,
You're in their way, Go."
Who is they, lady?
Who are they?!
"No! Please! GOD NO!
No. No. No.
Ple-" cough splutter urrrrrk
Speechless, I watched you choke
Twist and break your bones,
I've never, seen something so violent,
I watched you give in and die
To the voices inside your head,
And it was all their doing,
Whoever the **** they are...

I fall in love with concepts of the simplest human movements.
I find my sense of purification and healing in the way you close your eyes,
No different to any other person.
A powerful burst of anger overwhelms me as you clench your fist around air.
The way you walk brings fear...

Are you staying or going?

I saw you today
and everything
    just stopped.
My heart paused
                it's beat.
My lungs ached
                   and lost their air.
My head spun
       and then I fell off my feet

Onto the concrete pavement.
A fool I made of myself
                   Paralyzed by heartache
On the street.
And not ******* once
                            Did our eyes meet.
You barely even
                    Turned your ******* head.
There on that street
                         I sat
-Frozen and broken
                       And you...
You don't even care.
                                So much for "I love you"

Well, at least i can't remember
the last time I woke in the middle of the night
screaming your name clutching the emptiness in my bed,
it was terrifying, i don't remember the dream
but I know I woke up needing the only thing
that was never, ever there.

And for weeks,
I cried myself to sleep
still clutching empty nothings
that made their way into my bed.

They still watch me sleep,
but are now at ease
that you and i don't talk anymore.
Self induced loneliness,
I suppose, because
you always said they weren't real.

Tying ribbons around my fingers
to remember to forget you
one day,
and
like theres a tornado in my head
I'll destroy myself
'til then.

There is no escape from the metal that fills the rooms
and taunts you in your sleep, whispering your name, waiting,
such a silly game it plays, a winning prize not much of a reward,
it is blood and close encounters with death
that keeps you dealing cards, just to see what one's next,
a yearning that drills your brain like a thunderous migrain
and yet, you still manage to sleep all day,
Ghosts are tired of bashing down your bathroom door,
you know painkillers won't stop it anymore,
they're real and only you can see them now,
I heard they're trying to put your body underground.

We always knew I'd be the one to drown,
How I was surrounded by confident people
Never really made sense to me, when I was so
vunerable and selfconcious.

I never quite understood how I always knew
that the water would be the only one to take me
and the only thing I ever learnt to respect.

They always said drowning was peaceful,
But it always seemed a myth
Until the seabed caught me, and ****** away my fears,
fears of the future, the past, the truth and life.

And all the burning suddenly stopped,
like the water knew how to put out the fire in my lungs,
The voices in my head, floated away
and the scars seemed to vanish in the salt.

"Death is just another adventure..."
They were right.

Every night after,
I watched the sun come up.
Too afraid to sleep.
Too afraid to lose you again in my dreams.
The bags under my eyes
soon became the suitcases of your sorrow.
I was worn out and petrified.
I couldn't face it all again.

The water washing over your currupt hands
will never, ever run clean, you're too far gone
you're too far gone, your eyes are black
no one can see you now, the cut isn't as deep as it seems
but, oh my, is it painful, unbearable, ineffable
it's time to swim away from this rip you're stuck in
break away, put the bottle down, spit the pills
and come waste away with me.

Pick our death, we'll go whichever way you want
as long as it's just you and me,
a train, a gun, a needle, water, a disease, old age
waste away, come waste away with me,
I know you're afraid to live, it's in your eyes
and, dear, I understand, but I'm scared too
of everything else, and I'm only here so you and I
are not alone, you can't do this on your own
I don't want you to. Come waste away with me.

These four walls don't recognise me anymore,
And lately I've been waking up cold.
Where the distance sways... I falter.
It's so dizzying keeping up
With a universe whose heart is beating
Too fast.
There are days where I forget
That the blood in my veins is mine.
Hallucinations of opaque canvases
Dappled with a hundred strokes of paint.
The blood in my veins isn't blood at all...
When did it all become pain...t.
I regularly dissect the chambers of my heart,
Mental images of ripping apart the last thing I stood for;
A solitary beat that was never meant to be heard.

Smoke that twists and constricts my lungs
is the same smoke that will blind you
And the ropes won't stop you falling
they'll just take you somewhere else,
the sadness in your eyes will never leave
and like chains it tightens around your head
Lungs won't rise and fall as mechanically as they should
and I love how your weaknesses are killing me
Because I never stood for anything
I've fallen for another life
I'm ashamed, these walls won't forget.
I hear our footsteps and I think,
How did we fade so easily,
How did we dissolve into the carpet.

He said he loved me






                                 I told him I wanted to die in his arms.

If contradiction
was a meritable skill
I'd be at the top of the league.
Everything from fears
to opinions on government.
Everything about my head is
a contradiction
and no one understands.

So ready to let go,
so ready to just slip
and fall for eternity
to the middle of the earth.

Far too cold
and far too lonely
up here,
I just want to be gone like you,
to be free, in a different world.

Give me strength,
give me reason
to breathe, to live.

lend me a smile
that wont hide
depression.

give me everything
you have to offer
or let the earth
open up and ******* take me.

I know now
why you don't looka t me the same;
i miss the way you'd smile
all goofy and wide
just to make me giggle.
i know why everythings changed
i, i told you what really goes on
in my mind
and you looked repulsed
but only for a second
because you quickly replied
"I love you"
You only said that
because it's what
you thought you should say.
What were you supposed to say?
I know why you look at me twice
before you kiss me
it's because you're scared
of what i'll do to myself
and you know you
won't be able to stop it.

I'm so homesick
But I'm home...
I'm not living, not alive
Just waiting to petrify.
Solidify and one day melt
Into your arms again.

You are my home
And you are so far away.

Loneliness is more than a feeling,
It's a creature that manages,
To swallow you whole, chew you up,
And spit you out on the bedroom floor,
Unable to move, but rocking from,
Involuntery sobbing. I know you're not the only one,
You're not the only one who has drowned,
In the beast's stomach acid,
And Oh! Don't salty tears taste so sweet,
You would know, they sneak their way on to those lips,
And you can't resist but to lick your own sorrow,
Your ribs wouldn't be so bruised either,
If it was easier to breathe.

I hear the heavens getting angry at me
They said to me, "follow us, for you have sinned"
I have lost control
I've lost my soul
And they're letting the rain pour
I await the storm to drown me
I'm stuck in this world, like a prisoner of war
The heavens want to wash me away, this I can forsee
No longer can I pleed
They want me gone.

"Gather 'round!
Gather 'round!
It's time to open this cage up!"**

In a circle we sat, mumbling of things
that never made sense to me,
smiling at the black sky in the middle of the day,
like it was normal.
Black skies aren't normal.
Slowly, slowly something inside me
begun morphing, changing
I lose control and these hands,
these fingers claw at my rib cage,
my chest, struggling for grip
They found it, and tore this ******* cage open.
Suddenly the spotlight turned to me
and everyones eyes are black
and they're dripping,
dripping blood, but whose?
Propped up against the brick wall
with my bones broken
and hanging open
All of you, coming in closer,
All of you ate me.
All of you ate me.

I kicked and screamed my way out of your grip.

(You frustrate me no end.)

I hope that one day your razor slips.

(You were never my friend.)

I want to see your blood drip.

(Your heads broken. It won't mend.)

Enough blood will flow to sink a ship.

(Your madness is without end.)

George Foreman



                               Never




Let me down



                                        With his fat-draining grill.

I could sculpt the same 26 letters
Into a thousand different formations
And it still wouldn't be enough for you.

Unknowing of my, little but still existing, greatness;
You rip apart my limbs,
Dismember my colourful insides
(As I'm trying to paint you picturesque landscapes)
And replace them with fear...

And your control over me still isn't enough for you.

We let the last breath
Slip between our southern hands
And each air bubble
Was strangled
So violently
By the ocean which guides us.
The sand and salt
Erodes away our toes
As if telling us
That the water is ready
To wash us away.
Always seeming to eager.
It puts you on edge.
You are forever in control
But what now? What now?
As the blood inside you
Slowly turns blue
Like you are the ocean
You realise that it's time.
It's time for nothing
And everything.
It's time for you to float away
And swallow the salt.

Muse bares its teeth, snarls, snaps, rips the head back…
Chewing through the spinal cord and lapping up the brain fluid.
An image not so commonly played in the desert mind, riddled with mirages.
Empty and lost searching for new meat, left starving and dishevelled,
There is nothing new here, battling with the repetitive beat of ancient drums;
Beats making no sound, only vibrations that rattle the ribcage dripping rotten flesh.

Pretty pink petals
Have finally caught fire,
It's crazy how the smoke smells so sweet
Like those old summer afternoons;
Dancing in rose meadows.
Blinking; capturing each direction.
We truly believed
Those flowers could never die;
We could never die
And that was okay with us.
Everything was beautiful;
You even swore you'd love me forever
One night when we layed star gazing
Next to the roses.
You promised me the world
And I was okay with that
Because You swore our roses
Would never wilt.
That was all that mattered;
Now they're all ashes,
Nothing but a burnt meadow,
The rose graveyard,
I call it.
You couldn't keep a promise to save your life.

we are the plague
the flesh eating,
soul disrupting plague.
we feast on your body parts
leaving only bones.
we're taking over the world
and the fleshy human race
will become a race no more;
nothing but mere walking skeletons
with blackening teeth marks.
they will wander
with us taking over the world.

the eyes are our favourite part
we'll send you blind
feeding on your visions
and memories leaving you shells.
you will just become
white noise in the army
which the plague is here to create.

I’ve lost track
Because that’s what happens
When the frequency of an event
Is high.
None were the same,
But all had the same ill intent.
Something along the lines of
This body is mine to use
You owe me this
I’ll get what I want.

The flashbacks come like waves,
Changing intensity with the moon.

Much of my life has held the essence of the moon.

I’d sit asking for guidance,
Relief, happiness, help.

It took some time,
My prayers had a way to travel.

Now I sit warmly with the moon,
Discussing how
This is my body to use
I owe myself this
I’ll get what I want.

And through gaining my power back,
The waves calm,
And I thank the moon.