I laid shirtless on the bed for hours, there was no form of release. I traced the veins on my arms, wondering if they carried a disease.
To my heart, that would drive you away so soon. They say loves a fragile thing, it fades out so quickly. Who's to say what love is & what's not. You were the lamp shade to my nightlight, keeping it out of my eyes. So I could sleep at night. I feel my heart being dragged back into the undertow of this ocean I call home.

Making out with you, four simple words. Can't describe the amount of emotions, the explosions of atmospheres. Inside me. As you leaned in to say goodbye. Upside down, outside my car window. "I feel like this will be the last time I'll see you" your smirk still evident on your face. I yelled shut up, as the campuses walls quaked. I drove off looking back once or twice. You ran up to your dorm. Taking three stairs at a time. Till you got to the top of the world, so you could wave goodbye. Weeks went by, I heard about how you dropped out of college. How you're moving back to New York. About how you jumped off that boat. Into the worlds giant throat. And I cried, cried for a long time. Because I was just a kid, and now you're just a mystery. I still think about your crooked smile, and smashed up Doc martins almost everyday, please bring back the feeling of kissing by the bay. I salute to you, I salute to you. You dead dead dead boy, my bestfriend.

I like this wall between us, four feet tall. I can still see you. Id climb up it, but I know I would hit my head on the rafters. Fall off & die from laughter. So instead I'll decorate, hang beautiful poems & pictures to cover up your face. I'll watch as you slave away, putting brick after brick, laying down concrete. I wonder if I whisper, how much I love you. Would it change a thing.

Cars are coffins for selfish alcoholics

Throw me off the Empire State building,
Cause I'm in love with you,

Your ukulele,& me
Bestest of friends,
Years full of summers,
Months full of just us,
It lasted too long,
It got too serious,
We found intimacy,
In more than the sheets,
Of music between us,
The beach wasn't spent swimming in the ocean,
But drownding,
In our syrupy essence,
We got into s fight,
Over man ******,
You lost,
I left,
The tears stains,
Your true color bleed,
A bridge between us,
I get simple nods,
A cute compliment here and there,
I miss you,
I miss you,
I miss you,
I'm sorry about your bestfriend and me,
We went a little too far,

You trend in my heart, when no one ever likes it

Gather up the bags under your eyes,
Turn off the lights in your heart,
Lock up your soul,
Keep walking,
Maybe take a taxi away from your thoughts.

I know were a lot of disfigured momentum, we colided. Yet I know when enough is enough. We've reached our destination and your not getting off. **** I keep throwing up.

I'm not in the mood, said the girl bent over backwards for a guy that just wants nudes.

I'm not in the mood, said a girl numblingly tracing grains back to their roots. Because family is everything.

I'm not In the mood, said a girl who just got the news that her granny won't be here to see summer.

I'm not in the mood, said a girl who plants memories in flower pots, donating dimes and nickles. Just incase she could bring her back.

I'm not in the mood, I said.

Waves, braids. Dig deeper into the punnet squares. Certify your cells. "what are you mixed girl". "Tell me yo daddy is black".
I'm sorry, I'm just a white girl with nice hair. It's not all that, I'm not all that. It's not a weave, or something I've sowed into. I didn't buy into, my genes. They bought into me.

Silly worms, impregnanting ovulated pennies, coin star hearts, puking in starburst wrappers, hug the bed post. I walked with buddhas father, along the ivory tower. gravel in my eyes, make me see brighter. Than the post in yours

If my voice could echo, I'd let you know. The sound of it bellows, through the great unknown. If sinners had wings, I'd stray from the clouds, curl right up. Into your waiting arms. And everything would hush...

We **** in the name of lust,
Calling it just,
Because you can't afford to feed another mouth,
Yet you can afford to sleep with a man,
Who can't even support himself,
How selfish,
1.2 million deaths,
Unjustified their lives burnin out like candles,
The only way to solve the dilemma,
Is to **** something you claim to not be alive,
It's heart beats at the age of five weeks,
Smaller than a penny,
Already depending on you to live,
But clinics make it easy,
Less messy,
They don't tell you about the emotional,
Damage,
Day in,
Day out,
The blood on your hands,
Under your finger nails,
It doesn't wash out,
This unholy war needs to stop.

Tonight,
I saw a black creature,
Move through the fields,
It's long black hair,
Like strands of fire whipping in the air,
No eyes, no mouth to be seen,
Oh it's just you old friend,
Lucifer beamed,
He sat on the edge of the old burnt tree,
Dead but no one had the heart to cut it down,
His voice tumbled out without a shout but it echoed," today's your day, are you gonna see the pearly gates"
I sniffled a laugh, "you use to call that place home"
He slyly replied, "see we are the same",
As his blackened slender finger stabbed in the direction of my house,
"Choose my darling angel" he belowed his glee noticeable,
The weight in my heart dropped to my hand,
Taurus Judge Revolver looked back at me,
I looked up but he was gone,
The wind picked up,
Singing a sad song,
"**** yourself, **** Yourself, be free"
I lifted the gun to my gaze,
I could feel the cold barrel against my cold ear,
I screamed," Make it stop"
Boom,
All was still,
She was finally as they say,
Free spirited

Sharp whips on soft skin,
Pores filled with pain,
*pleasure

But as the blonde hairs, sway against your baby doll face. Your wounded heart beats, out uncontrollably. Were the selfies with shots, really worth the absence of memory. You only live once, they say that should be enough. But I'm someone new each night, so far I've lived a hundred lives. Wasted busy chasing, liquor not boys.

Letting go of him was like shooting my dog between the eyes.

everyones got a year, a day, a second, a blink of an eye moment; that leads back to all their pain & suffering. its one long, never ending street. Mine was the year I turned ten.

It won't matter how badly, you want to die.
How the cries just echo back.
they love you
The lies.

So you sit and you wish,
You could be bigger than the light that's,
Diminshing in your eyes,
You try to hold back,
The puke that,
You know is gonna come up anyway.

Tears well, like the welts on your skin,
Screaming unloved,
Into the oblivion,
Where is God,
It's time to show your glory.

Gory, back drops of blood stained tees,
Your ribs heaving,
Knowing that you'll die alone.


And why did you forsake me,
Why the rules,
Why the ridicule,
Why the hurt,
Slander,
And abuse,

How alone you are, your absence is a noose.
So real against my neck,
Cough, up blood.

Tommorow I won't wake up happy or well manufactured, things came crashing in.
I'll stare at the sky like a ballroom ceiling, ballroom ceiling. That's where I left you, my angel in disguise. Negative anatomy, childish at heart.

Stop picking up two chairs,
When you can only carry one

I remeber when going to bed hungry,
Was considered a punishment,
Now we do it by choice,
Hoping to be,
Skinnier,
Than,
The,
Ni
Gh
T
        **before

I want to be baptized in the ocean,
And adopt a kid from another world,
I want my house to be home,
I want a gentle hand to hold,
I'll survive.

I do not belong anywhere.**
I realized halfway through, a pint of Ben & Jerrys.

What instigates us to get naked for strangers, losing our dignity and clothes in between the couch cushions.

IM SO DONE, I'm SICK AND TIRED.
YOU SAY YOUR GOD LOVES YOU
I HOPE HE DOESNT LOVE ME
BECAUSE IM NOT HORRIBLE LIKE YOU,
ILL PACK MY THINGS AND GO
BECAUSE I WILL NEVER LOOK YOU IN THE FACE, YOULL NEVER BE A FATHER FIGURE ONLY A FIGURE WRAPPED IN HIS ANGER.
I WONT FORGET THE HORRIBLE THINGS you've done.
I won't forgive you.
Ever.
Not in life,
Not in death,
MY HEART HASNT STOPPED BEATING OUT OF MY ALREADY BROKEN CHEST,
YOURE SO SICK YOURE SO SICK.
I HOPE YOU LOVE THE VIEW OF MY BACK.
ICANNOTSTANDYOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN THE WORDS IVE CARVED ON MY BODY.
THE AFFECT YOUVE PUT ON ME IS LIFE LONG.
MEN WILL NEVER BE TRUSTED IN MY EYES.
THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO ME WAS GOOD LUCK FINISHING THAT. AS YOU TORE MY PAINTING IN TWO. YOURE LOVELESS. Disgrace. I'm going away, I'm going away.

I picture you as Mars, habitable, alive and thousands of miles away. I'd float around your atmosphere without a mask, sharing air once more. No tubes or crators trapped in your skin. No land rovers or machines for your body to be plugged in. You ethereal being, my heaven, world, and planet. Mother Earth number two, unreachable but seeable. One small step for mankind, one giant leap into the after life. I miss you.

The word **** tumbles tightly from your lips,
Stuck in the back of your throat like ill chewed food. You look at me in disbelief as I hand out the details, like bullet points on a brochure. I’ve never seen so much pity pooling and overflowing into and ebbing nightmare of truth. But here I am, asking you to still see me as I am, not as I have been treated.

My eyes opened wide, I fall into a daze.
Sun bathed in everything that is unholy,
I'm sure you would make love with me,
If I only got the chance to ask,
You speak in riddles & second glances,
Always romanticing.

the he didn't tell the girl, that he had loved her until chapter seven.* and by that time, the character was far too dead to remember
   They'll blame it on wicked witches, but sometimes it's just boys with bad timing that's the curse.

I find comfort in the lint on my favorite hoodie,
It's been worn & washed too many times,
The *** hole riding the yellow line,
On the back road by my house,
Reminds me of you,
The way tick tacs,
Taste remind me of your breath,
You hated them, I shoved my brain in the oven,
It got so baked, & we laughed, my pen knows the pages like I know your hips, & face. And God ****** I want to draw words across your body in languages no one will ever speak, with my finger tips. But all you say is Hmm, and why. Starting to sound like my tooth brush after a while. I'll clean my teeth, & try to force a smile. I broke the zipper off my hoodie & they filled in the hole.

I asked a man for a ciggerate, he pulled the pack out of his back pocket. Handed me one, like it was a loaded gun. Like I was going to laugh and make fun. Turn on him quick & run. I stood there in the dark breeze humming Bob Dylan. He turned to me and said, " kid I see you with a gun to your head, always hiding in bathrooms like that's your heaven instead" he layed out the floor plans on how life worked. Graphs and data of the sorts. No fancy words, no past life inquiry. Not a man but an eagle. He said he still sees me with a gun in my hand as he flew away to some unreachable tree top. The lights faded out, realizing how alone you are, with a gun to your head, on the bathroom floor trying to make it to heaven instead, you dip your toes in the lake of fire. It's warm, I could stay a while.

When push comes to shove, I miss you so ******* much...

There's a whale in the lake, you can see him from the interstate. His name is Darby, he likes mid afternoon picnics, and juice boxes. I swam with Darby once, he laughed at my two feet. I haven't seen him since.

Snaching up Galaxies, I can't remember if it was Jobe who declared "HOPE AGAINST HOPE" but it spoke to me. Flames sparked, the waiter looked at me like universes would be overturned if he would've looked away. Hope, against hope.

They think, you're kidding when you say; " I wish I was dead." Don't cry on my tombstone, you buried me long before I was dead.

Holy Monistary, three stringed guitar. I'll sing you to sleep, my little sun star. Wooden rocking horse, tall grass heart throb. I'll keep you at arms length, till im dying for a hug. This chair goes back & forth. Tell me when this distance is enough.

Showing up home, with bouquets & balloons,
A card filled with my feelings. Maybe I was too late, maybe I was too soon. I know Mother's Day isn't quite here yet, but I was thinking about you an awful lot, I guess you didn't care. I guess you didn't spot the tears running down my face. My life a trash can, a grave for all my mistakes. I'll wrap myself in my covers, & close my eyes. In the pitch black, perhaps I'll find another light. You'll yell about potential an the anitial after life. But after life, I just want to rest. Burn all the keepsakes I kept safe, from all the people I thought cared. I trace tile floors, & zip line through life. Blood on my legs. It's another one of those nights

Running the fine hairs against my palms,
The cold wooden, slick wooden, handle,
Wondering which tree was this tool born from,
Vast colors on every single pallet,
A simple two syllable word,
Could not desribe their rich beauty,
My shaken hand guiding,
The straight and steady paint brush,
Lines lines lines lines,
Dark and light and dark and light,
A swirl of emotions on a piece of paper,
Heart racing,
Mind wandering,
Wanderlust,
Or just lost,
Not enough color,
Not enough shapes,
Swirls and spirals,
Like spirits in the sky,
Aluminous beauty,
Sprites dancing under mother Luna,
A shabby shacked city,
Full of sleeping children,
Or maybe star crossed lovers,
Maybe the kids from sandlot,
Cause they never really grew up,
Maybe heaven or hell,
But it's beautiful,
And I made it,
I drownd the paint brush,
Into the blackish blueish pool of water,
Swirling,
My finger tips dip into the paint,
Cold and calming,
Like a ghost of a friend,
I use to know,
Smearing the masterpiece into exiestence.

What's the conection & suspension;
Between words.
***** you, could desperatly mean something,
Other than what the blinds say,
So close them & I'll show you,
The wrong path all men take,
Towards a girl beautiful & broken,
Wide eyed & open,
Innocence has fled,
Conection & suspension

I know you like the grains in my canoe,
That Ive spent hours painting,
I know you like the Bob Cat,
Ate the cat next door,
Like the bag of coke,
Someone forgot to smoke,
We played with it till we got lit,
Each other eats it's own kind,
He screamed, "you're a dangerous woman in heaven, you're a dangerous woman in heaven"
I'm just a teenager,
Who traces tile floors cause I'm bored,
Who likes laces and fine wines,
Even though I haven't drank any,
My head is filled with books,
I'm hungry,
But you say its worth it,
To not eat of the same kind.

Relapse & recap,
To the girl you use to be,
All your hopes & dreams flushed down,
The toilet,
Cheeks flushed red,
Angry at myself again,
Better off dead,
A mistake you said,
I was,
Knives & needles,
Are my bestfriends,
They know me from the inside,
We share the same blood,
Metaphorically of course.

I'm waiting for the messages to be sent back, rejected. My hair unkept, heart wrecked. Smothered in the spilt coffee, because the nerves are bad again. Eating something so gross, you have to throw everything back up. I can't watch tv, or start a new series of books, I tell my brain im not ready for that commitment. So I'll sit, as cars pass by. I met an old lady, who saw the Grand Canyon seven times. My mom screamed," I'm losing my mind" I shut the door & walked away. There's no adventure, left inside. Just a catacomb of lost secerets, I'll die & die each day. But smile with a unearthly sernity. I like listening to people's wacked out theories about the universe. It's like doing **** on acid, while drinking ***** on the highway. Going 78. Even though you're only 19. This is a one way street, and baby im speeding.

I'm the misinterpreted bathroom decor, that you keep bumping into but dont bother to take down. Because I fill the cracks in your walls, even though I'm not a conversation piece. They still talk, and the faucets stay on and I drown and rust. While you pack up and leave. A permanent fixture, still hung up on you.

We collect things, for ****** adornment. Stash decohedrens inside a young childs brain. Expecting them to know the way out.
Nothing is as perfect as the final
Shot.
Exhale the photo copied cursed
Resurrection
This is our generation

Little boy spoke up to me even though he was about a few feet shorter, and his words grew in height and mass. Wrapped around my wrists as I calculated the displacement of the volume of velocity. The world became inertia, "how can you be born without a momma or a daddy? How can you walk across the street with no one to hold your hand? How do you grow up?" The force of the vector stopped & ticked on anyway. An unsolved mystery

You **** 99.9% of Bacteria in 15 seconds, im the 0.1% that still gives you nightmares.

Upside down telephone steps,
Diagnosed with perplexed paintings.
I felt it in my blood,
Pills rattling in the gutter of a bottle,
Lifes going no where,
Polar bear drowning,
Is the only sight I could see,
As I looked into the vortex of my future,
Crisp apples and new pencils,
Can't make me learn quicker,
Quickly I melt into an abyss of wondering,
Down a deep dark hole of nothing,

Sometimes I think about the time you told me, it was Blake who stole all the pills. But it was you. I think about what you did with the money. But today I lay upside down on the stairs, well, the ceiling fan turning rapidly. Suddenly thinking what would happen if it fell, would I lose my head? I laughed knowing I already did.

Honey suckle ***,
Beneath the cherry tree,
They say it's real,
Loves not a fantasy,

Foreplay with tbe clouds,
Between my legs,
The birds flee,
The forest filled with moans,

Hold your breath,
Making love beneath the sea,
Steal your breath,
Before the next wave.