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I strummed your heart strings the way I played a guitar.

But I didn't know how to play a guitar,

And I never did know how to make beautiful things.
I left him because I needed me
I clung to you because you made me feel free
I feel so foolish, for it's now that I see
Me is now split not in two, but in three
Is that not how peace is supposed to be?
 Sep 2014 Madame Eleanor
calion
why are bathrooms
and t shirts and pants
gendered?

i am not a girl wearing
clothes, i am a human
wearing clothes.

i should be able
to wear what i please
and still be human.
 Sep 2014 Madame Eleanor
calion
i will never feel lonely as long as your name can float up on my phone.
you are the ocean surrounding me, but i don't feel like you'll sweep me up.
because you won't.
you just gently rock me over beaches.
you know where to take me.
i thought, since i was so surrounded by you,
i needed oxygen.
so i found oxygen in another.
but after sustaining me for 9 months,
he left.
i felt panicked, because surely the water would drown me.
i was wrong.
you kept rocking me, gently swaying me back and forth.
i underestimated you, i had no faith in you.
but you never let me drown.
 Sep 2014 Madame Eleanor
calion
nearly 2 years later,
i am gracious that you were my first love.
if i hadn't have fallen so hard,
everything would be different.
so thank you.
thank you for ******* me up.
some people don't believe in ghosts,
but i am not one of those people,
because you are a ghost
in every sense of the word.

//

i am sorry
for breaking you,
and i know
that i can say "i'm sorry"
until my lungs run dry
and my heart slows to a stop,
and even then
it will not be enough.

how can you apologize
for tearing someone's heart apart,
and walking away
as the tattered strings litter the ground?

how can you apologize
for bringing someone up
out of the murky depths
only to, just as quickly, loosen your grip
and let them fall back under
once more?

how can you apologize
for carving your name into the core of someone's heart
with a knife,
then leaving,
with that aching carving being the only lingering trace?

how can i apologize
for what i've done?

//

some people don't believe in ghosts,
but i stabbed you in the heart
and left you to bleed out
as i walked away and turned a blind eye
to your sorrow.

some people don't believe in ghosts,
but i know i deserve this haunting.

(a.m.)
1 a.m. thoughts
i'm sorry
 Sep 2014 Madame Eleanor
calion
today i was walking down the stairs and thought i heard someone catch the door.
i turn around and i see no one.
was it you?
you told me that on spring break you wanted to see me.
i asked if you’d come up here.
no, of course you wouldn’t.
i envisioned that the person catching the door was you.
your hair is a little darker now, but i think you’d still be the same.
i can imagine you telling me about the same things as always and getting really excited and ignoring me.
but, you are just a ghost.
no one has filled the space you did, but i don’t need a lifeguard or a babysitter.
maybe i just need an endless series of 911 operators.
or, maybe i just need a self help lecturer.
maybe i just need me.
because i dont need you.
 Aug 2014 Madame Eleanor
T2m
Dear lovely , take my coarse hands
Let me lead us to a wonderland .
Across this gorgeous green sea we
shall sail
To that place where love ' s sun
never goes pale
Where our hearts will never , again ,
ail .
The moon has aged thus grand
Here , sit with me on this sea
shore ' s sand
From whence we will watch hand
in hand
While we listen to our loving hearts
pound.
Lets count the night sky' s stars
And tell how lovely and beautiful
they are .
Lets watch the milky way fall to the
earth
And make silent wishes in our
hearts .
Ahh , beautiful lay here by my side
And lets listen to nature ' s lovely
lullaby
As we recount the great time
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