of being sad.

I've made a decision.
I'm taking all that I felt about you and putting it elsewhere.

I'm putting these feelings into anything else but people.
I'm putting the feelings of confidence that you gave me into my step when I walk around my beloved city.
I'm putting the emotion into my writing (I wanted to write you as many poems as I could, now I'll do it for me)
I'm putting the laughter into the moments that I am with my friends and find something truly funny.
I'm putting that huge smile you made me feel on when I walk outside and feel the sunshine touch my skin.
I'm putting my fingers, the ones that I used to run all over you, on the keys of my laptop, on the pen I take notes with.
I will use those hands that used to hold yours to instead hold the rain when it falls, to help a friend whenever they are down, to pet my dogs.
The arms of mine that used to find comfort in your embrace will now be used to hug my family, to remind them what they mean to me, and to hug my friends, hold someone when they are upset.
They will soon forget what you felt like.
Lastly, I will whisper tales of our love into the sand of the town that we probably will never admit that we love.
I will give my memories back to the places that they happened, and let someone else erase them with new memories.

I was tired of being sad.
So I decided to try something new.

I gave you everything I have,
tore down all of my walls and gave you the trust that no one gets.
In return you ruined me,
you turned me into this mess who can write about nothing besides you,
I cannot forget the map I made of your body
(we both know you forgot mine long ago)
it's not fair that I'm the one who suffers.
I'm not the one who did wrong,
I just asked for love,
I gave you everything I had,
put all of my effort and energy into you and your happiness.
In return you treated me like I was nothing,
threw everything I gave you back at me
(besides my trust, you just threw that away)

and now I'm lost.

the stale New York City air leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
I wish to be back by the clean ocean air.
I often enjoy that I can hide in a crowd,
go by unnoticed, go long periods without speaking or listening,
but right now all I want to do is be with the friends who have known me a while.

Don't get me wrong,
I love the life that I lead,
the friends that I've made,
the conversations I've had.

There's just something about that place you call home.
You need it every once in a while,
to remind yourself who you really are.

I brushed the taste of your kiss away,
but I can't scrub away how it made me feel.
There is something so marvelous about the way our lips fit together,
and I can't seem to forget it
(even thought I know I should)

there's a leash around my neck and you're the one in charge.

For a long time I've known that,
I let you **** me around with your wild emotions.
If I ever strayed too far I knew you would pull me back in,
sometimes I didn't mind the leash.

Now it's different,
the leash has managed to wrap itself around my heart
and you tug on it whenever you feel like it.

Careless,
that's the word I would use to describe you.

I had thought I knew you,
I let allowed myself to be put on a leash,
I trusted that you'd never pull too hard.

I trusted that you would never let go.

I should have grabbed the letters that spell my name
when the spilled from your mouth
(for the last time)

to scream,
to yell,
to curse whoever brought you my way.

I can't.
I end up in tears,
somehow with hope that appeared from nowhere that you somehow managed to ****.
I end up talking about you constantly in hopes of not getting caught up in my own head.

I will never
understand what happened.
I have lost myself before but I would never do what you had done.
I would never turned my back on anyone,
especially not someone who would move the sun if I said it was too bright.

I hope.
That you realize exactly what you're losing.
Someone who understood you, who stayed with you even when things fell apart.

I understand.
I have my own flaws,
I have demons I try to fight off, and that sometimes I'm not strong enough.

I never.
Expected this from you.
I never expected to feel this way.

I want to know what happened, I need to understand where this all went wrong.