It's never the same
But there's sort of an order
We leave as we came
Cross the same borders

And nobody knows
But they'll do what befits  
And that's how it goes
And we all go with it

I remember everything,
Stupid jokes, laughing,
Deep conversations and knowing smiles,
I remember,
And you, you who were my best friend, as I was yours, have all but forgotten,
And I'm sorry, I won't expect you to remember me, or think of me again, because you've found something better, something to show you our friendship was insignificant I guess,
But it still hurts, I never thought my own brother, who had earned that title from me with more than blood,
Wouldn't think to save one thought of then,
But what can I expect?
There won't ever be someone to remember little details about me so intimately,
I haven't even had someone to be interested consistantly in spending time with me,
It's not even that I'm always ignored,
I go unthought of,
And I think that's even worse

It's hard to be the fourth child
I cannot meet all the precedents they have set
And I know that
But I hate the fact that it's true
And I hate that no matter how hard I may try,
I will not be a genius/writer,
I will not be a rebellious artist,
I will never be the perfect student with a musical streak who has never failed at anything in his life,
And all that I will be
Is their little sister
Who tried her hardest,
Who must've had a tendency towards masochism,
Because no one sets themself up for failure that many times in a row on purpose

I have lost people, people I loved,
They went to better friendships, or to somewhere above,
And I can see why they'd leave me, I mean I'm barely sane,
And what little I had lost a lot another had gained,
I guess I just never thought I'd be alone within,
But I guess how else can I atone for my sins?

It's a confusing time when a wandering mind is all that leads you on
And it's a broken world when a once outspoken girl has lost her taste for songs

It's funny, this world we live in,
Where toy dinosaurs are made of real dinosaur's bones,
Where even when others surround us we can feel so alone,
Where we feel we need to cover our souls,
Because somehow lead should be more appealing than gold

Years have passed
Since I was cast
Away, to sea

Learning to float
Turn rocks into boats
What we hate to be

And I will drown
I hear sirens in sounds
But still do not see

Trying to find
What's gone from my mind
I have to let free

**** everything and everyone
The school told me I couldn't start a lumberjack society because it wasn't
"Educational"
So **** them
This Thursday I'm doing it
I'm bring in pancakes and we are wearing flannel and there's nothing they can do to stop us
I just wanted this one thing,
Just one ******* thing
And if it's a stupid club
Where we wear flannel and eat pancakes
Then who are you to ******* stop me
To take this away from me
You can't
When someone needs something, they will do what ever they have to,
I need something,
And now it's this club
So just try and ******* stop me

I do not not have anyone to save me

Just a kayak

Money I can only have if I go to school

And a dream

When love is cause of sorrow
When today longs for many tomorrow
When seconds are a second too long
Even in silence is a song

What the hell is wrong with me
My friend was going to a 1D concert
And as a joke I said we're not friends any more
And she laughed and I laughed,
But why the hell would the immediate thing I jump to, even as a joke,
Be me judging her based on a decision to just go have fun?
Why the hell would I contribute to something like that?
Pleasures shouldn't be "guilty" and what you like and don't like shouldn't be affected by fear of other people's judgment
Just because I don't really like the band,
What the hell made me think I could say that ever, that I was judging someone, someone I really care about,  over something like that?
What the hell?

I think I understand now,
What you're trying to say, how
You need to save yourself, please friend,
Do so, stay alive, and so will I, I'm not ready for my end,
I will continue, though as we both know,
Everything changes, as if fate intended to throw
Us, cut us down from our feet,
And while we are down, rest your soul, sleep
If that is what you need, but I,
I can't stay, every second spent is paying to writhe
On the bottom in agony,
No, I cannot sleep, there will be no rest for me,
And I don't need you to fix me, I just needed someone who could understand,
No one else can save me, it must be by my own hand,
But know this, remember it when you awaken,
No matter what happens, you are my friend, I know you are, I know I'm not mistaken,
So I will get up, no matter how hard it will be,
Suffering into the truth, I must suffer to find me,
And maybe when you wake up I'll actually have done it,
I won't be alone, and you'll smile and Make me sit
Down and tell you how I did it,
How I found home

Recently ive only been comfortable sitting in a ball hugging my legs closer to me
i even sleep like that
So Small
And in English class i saw you wanted me to read my writing out loud,
Kept asking anyone else while covertly glancing my way, seeing me shrug my shoulders up, sink into my seat and hide behind my hair,
And i know you were dissapointed in me, and i am so sorry, you're the only one who ever came close to thinking of me, you're the
only one
And im sorry i just can't do it
what if i was wrong or i confused people, or what if they looked at me and listened to what i wrote and then they weren't just looking at me they were seeing and i was wrong?
i know i was wrong, i always am
im sorry
and i know you would tell me i couldn't be wrong, and to face my fears, but at least im facing one,
ive always been facing one,
im so alone, there are people in my life but they don't know me,
i cant tell people and they can't see without my help
So ive been living out one thing that terrifies me my whole life
im completely and utterly alone
But for some reason, i don't think that would make you proud
it would make you sad
For me
And i don't know what to do
Because more than anything i want you to be proud of me,
But i can't show people me
i cant
But i also don't know if i can go on alone much longer

I'm scared, I'm terrified,
I am emptiness glorified,
I used to remember who I was,
But memories fade as emptiness does
Take over, it's taking everything,
My heart, my soul, now even memory?
My mind has always been all that I had,
Not much room for love when you're inherently sad,
It drives away some, and others don't really care,
Not about me, but I guess fair is fair,
But my mind doesn't matter
Because I'm mad as a hatter,
And it doesn't work all too well,
But I hide behind it, my protective shell,
And now it's cracking, the breaks are nerve wracking,
Because of emptiness's theft,
Because once it's gone, there won't be anything left

I have a great aunt
Wild light grey hair shoots out of her leathery wrinkled scalp
She's in the nursing home she desperately wanted to avoid
And she's been bordering death for years now
But her eyes still light up when I go to her room
And I hear her screech missus baby it's been a while!
And she smiles and she cackles at whatever I say
And grasps my hand
But I'm not the only one who visits her
Her mother does, sisters, more recently her brother
And they've been gone for a while now
And everyone says aunt dolly is crazy
But I think she's just about the sanest person I know

Words are hard to use
The ones that mean something are so heavy on my tongue that I can't push them out
And the ones that don't fly out like a bag of crumpled paper poured in front of an oscillating fan
But spreading crumpled paper everywhere like that
Is littering
There are some people who were born with words in their mind and rhythm besides beat beat beat in their hearts
And everytime they breathe in or out it's a miracle, something to praise
And every sound they hear is a symphony
And the words are still heavy
But they bear that weight with pride
And the pain that comes with it
She wonders why talking is hard for me
She doesn't understand the concept of a weaker tongue
Tells me to open up the vault
And I've tried before
And I'm trying now
But I think it hasn't been open in so long
It rusted shut
And I have paragraph on paragraph I want to tell anyone who will listen
I want to scream to the sky
I want to pull off of my tongue and throw as far as I can into the ocean of the past
So I can watch it sink and never worry about it again
And I think even now that I can't
Even as I am pouring the first one into these lines right here right now
But I have the rock in my hand
All that's left to do is hurl it into the sea

He woke up in a white room
Surrounded by men in white coats
Begging his momma for water
And Robin had to watch through the window
As he cried
Convulsed
And the men said no
She had to watch her son
As the doctors pulled the plug
They say heavens a better place
And I think that's true
And I think he'll be happy,
Eating Mimi's cooking,
Watching his family from up there,
But Robin,
Little bird,
How long will it be until you can fly up to your son?

People have no respect
For the ones like me
We fly but cannot land
And it's so hard to see
I guess we are insects
And that's all I'll be
But they cannot stand
The fact we are free

i sit upright in front of everyone else
They don't know my innerfights or my mental health
I spend all my hours saying that I'm fine,
But you know what, things have been ******* me, so im sorry that i lie,
It's not exactly simple to end your killing thoughts,
And it's not exactly easy to mend what pain has wrought,
And it's not exactly happy, not having any friends,
And it's not exactly helpful, just wishing it would end,
And it's not exactly working, loving what i can't even understand,
So, yes, i am hurting, and it's getting hard to stand

You know you're growing older when there's no more comfort in sleeping in your mothers bed,
And everything is confusing and complicated and so, so loud inside your own head,
But you know you're growing stronger when you head into the dark alone and found
Yourself actually trying to find the volume button, and turn all the pounding, the screaming voices,
down

I'm in my garage
Yellow paint on my fingers
Red on my nails
I'm spray painting and normal painting and everything in between
On a ukulele
From a show I don't really watch
For a person I don't really know
And that makes me sad
Because they don't know me either
But to be someone's friend you must know them
And right now
No one knows me
And I think I would like to change that
Because I think I would like to have a friend again
It's kind of nice
Most parts
From what I remember
But most of the people I know don't really understand friendship
Because they said "oh I love her!"
And then looked down at the table embarrassed as she ran away crying
And it left in awful taste in my mouth, seeing them, as I chased after her,
I do not like realizing things that make me sad
But I guess if it hadn't happened
Then I wouldn't have decided to try,
Her being upset was a very bad thing
But it strengthened who we were in relation to eachother
And it made me really realize, I've known all along, I suppose decide is more appropriate, and that is a good thing
It's funny how the world works that way

As to the times and the seasons
As to men and their reason
For though things suddenly come
Whether be demons or the glorious son
We do not thrive in darkness
We were not made for the night
To us stars, angels, harken
You are the children of light

I am an accumulation of everything that's happened to me,
Of every smile anyone gave to me,
Of every hello a stranger said,
Of every person I was and will to be,
Of every night I slept in my mothers bed,
I am not changing, things are just adding on,
I'm growing into knowing I am not wrong,
Sure I'm a mess
But I guess
That's okay

A city of the dead in the middle of the living
Reality existing just outside a vision

Good for her, she finally found a boy worth keeping
Good for him, he finally found another soul for reaping
Good for me, I'll finally get to be alone in my weeping
Good for us

I'm scared of missing things,
Or more, I'm scared to lose something,
Especially if I have lived my whole life with it as a fact of my being, I can't imagine it just leaving me like that,
I still hold on to my childhood, firm fingers grasping at fleeting innocence,
And joy,
When I was younger and my first sister was leaving, I told her I was going to get a golden birdcage, and keep her in there, so she couldn't leave me,
Then, just this summer, before my second sister left
Again
She reminded me of that
I had all but forgotten,
She was laughing, the expectations of joy and love and future adventures written across her face,
And I laughed with her, told her the same thing,
But I was only half joking,
And when we got home, I went into my room, curled up into a ball,
And cried,
Not cried myself to sleep,
I haven't been getting as much of that lately,
I just cried,
But I'm also scared there are things I'll never get,
No one has ever really loved me,
Known me so well they could make me smile, or break,
But always picked smile,
And I can never tell with people anyway,
I wish a poet would love me, and it would be so easy,
Because they would tell me, in their beautiful words, and I would tell them,
And we could just hold hands and smile wherever we go,
Because we know we have someone to love us, to take care of us,
But I don't know,
People aren't always honest,
And I've been sitting in this dark room for so long,
In this uncomfortable position,
But if I move now, it'll just feel sore,
And if I walk into the light now,
It'll just hurt my eyes,
And what difference would it really make anyway

I curl up into *****
And use my hair like a shield
When people are around, I hide in dark rooms
and closets
My brother had friends over and even though I was starving I could hear them so I didn't go down and get food
For hours
Am I scared of them
Or embarrassed of myself
Or what is happening
I have a headache
I'm the result of cumulative heartbreak
And all I want
Is to rest
Take a break from it all
Clear my head
And maybe then I'll find a way out

I have this pound of clay, but I've never been much of an artist,
And trying to make something beautiful alone, that's the hardest,
My fingers don't work and my eyes are too old,
My hearts forever aching and my soul has been sold,
But maybe a new vision could guide my hands a new way,
As I try to, I used to think manipulate, but you showed me work with my hunk of that clay,
But I've always been scared to ask for your help,
I've always been scared to ask for anything, so I dealed with what I was dealt,
But it doesn't really work, trying to be completely alone,
Because to everyone you're a stranger, and you'll lose what was home,
I think it's time I stopped being a vagabond in my own heart,
So please will you help me? Because I want to make someone, anyone, realize what's always been true, to see this clay as art

I've never done drugs
Never wanted to
Never smoked anything
Never drunk
never wanted to
I've never desired touch
I've never needed to be held
Why?
It makes me feel inhuman
Which scares me more than you can imagine
Imagine
That's all I do
Think
Read
Out loud and to myself
How am I supposed to feel when I have more in common with the books scattered around my bed than man, humanity, the thing I venerate above all else?

When shadows rule
And harsh winds roar
When men are fools
And black crows soar
That is when you must go
Solitude in light will save your soul,
Know right from wrong,
Not pain and harm
Your sole enemy is conformity

Why is the sky dark at night
And why can't we ever escape our own shadows
Looking in to the silver glass
I can see someone
With brown hair swooping over their right eye
and shoulders perpetually hunched as if they've never been at ease
But then I(they?) blink and they're(I'm?) gone
There are leather cages on my feet
That are supposed to protect them as I go along
But maybe if they weren't there I would learn from any misstep
instead of not feeling anything at all
And I've never liked lamps
Because all you have to do is pull a switch
And then there's light
And it feels false
Because people have to work so hard for any light in their life
And a lot of times it can only last a second before it's gone

The star fell,
Children pointed as it plummeted,
And it was terrified,
It didn't know what was happening,
It didn't know why,
And the only things it thought it would meet wouldn't be very helpful,
The ground, and death,
And as it fell, its light faded,
And a swirling mass of silver and gold remained,
Still falling,
The ground was almost upon him,
But it looked like it was going to pass down through a whole building first,
It went through the roof,
Strange he thought,
I just went straight through, it didn't break,
It fell through a room where a lady in a cast was watching jeopardy,
And a room where it saw a boy with no hair, eating a cup of pudding,
The next room confused him the most,
There was an old man, hooked up to lots of devices, and him in all his blankets looked like a wrinkled pea in a pod,
Who seemed to see it fall, and smiled as it went,
One of the imensest joys it would ever forget,
And in the next room, there was a woman
Her belly was large, and she was crying,
And a man dressed in white stood at the foot of her bed,
Just push he said
You're doing great
And on her side there was a man,
Whose hand she clutched tightly,
Who told her you're okay, Cheryl, you're okay
And the doctor said here she is
And held up a cute little thing
She was screaming and her skin was red,
And now it realized it was going to hit her,
Tried to move but couldn't,
And it entered the little girl's body,
But it didn't go through like it thought it would,
It stayed,
And when the little girl opened her eyes, the light it thought it had lost shined in them like two new stars were born

You told me today that yesterday you heard a mockingbird
It was outside on a tree singing its song, so you pulled out your bird whistle -that you keep in your purse for emergencies- and started to sing along
It looked down at you but kept singing and you sang with it for about thirty minutes
And then it flew away
I heard you tell her you can hear the trees, their pleas rang through your ears and cut your heart in two when the forest over yonder was cut through
And you told me to fall in love with something today, anything, you fall in love everyday
A word, a phrase, that bird, but I've been in a haze
Too entranced to notice anything except you

Today hasn't been the best,
It started out with the girl who didn't mean to hurt me,
I'm not mad at her, it just hurts to see her, but I cover it up fine,
Then swung me by the nursing home to give me a quick reminder about mortality,
I've never specifically cared about my own, but it's always nice to have a reminder that if I ever managed to find someone to care about me too, they could just drop dead and leave me
Alone
Again
Then it brought me back home to **** time, I never meant to waste anything, but it's not like I have anything else to do with it so,
I made some Italian pies to have something to do,
Then there was nothing.
I took a bike,
Listened to twenty one pilots, pushed myself as far as I could go,
Tried to outrun the fact that no matter how fast or far I could go, I can't ride away from myself, and I was just going faster and faster towards nothing,
But, of course I couldn't,
So here I am
Just breathing

You want to know who I am, well sorry friend I'm not,
We should've talked so long ago, I'm sorry I forgot
You want to save me from myself, but sorry you cannot,
So just leave, just close the door and leave sorry me to rot

The sun feels nice on my skin through the car windshield
As I sit in the grocery parking lot
And the leaves are that yellow-green and red color,
Still hanging on to the trees
And I am sick as well as alone
But I can see my mother walking towards me
And I know she will come sit beside me
And she will take me home

Leaning on a sliver stallion,
staring at the receding sun,
Prepared to face that ghost battalion,
That long ago has left me numb,
Each second seems to stay a year,
But flees for fright my coming fears,
And leaves me in the dark alone,
To watch and wait for what I've known
To come, to take me, they haven't yet,
But everytime I see the hint of a shadow, I'm reminded. They won't forget

Last night I wanted to go walk in the dark,
But the fear of the monsters quickened my heart,
And the promise of maybe kept me inside,
I gave in but giving in gave me no where to hide,
Because it was just as dark as I lay in my bed,
And the shadows grew taller inside my head,
The light in my heart dimmed and I chewed my thumb,
I could not face the dark, so instead I succumbed

I think it's strange
How people all need eachother
We're like little love parasites
Feeding off our brothers
And I don't know why we need it
I guess our souls get hungry too
And you know, I'm kind of lonely,
And I need some love from you

This palace
With its
Floors of gold,
Mirrored walls,
And
Ceilings of glass
Allow me to see
Nothing
But
What I care not for,
What I have become,
And where
I still
Need
To
Go

I don't know what I want,
I don't know who I am,
And I don't know why I am, for that matter,
I don't know what's going to happen,
Or what should,
But I do know,
Without a doubt,
You deserve to be happy,
And if they don't make you happy, run like hell, because that's the only way you're gonna get out

I've started to draw
A self portrait,
But I'm scared to really see
How I perceive myself

I don't even want to hold you anymore.
You did it. You Won.

I know now I am nothing to you but something to dwell on in the hidden places
A hand to hold when it's too dark to see

But I could always see
And because of that, I started to see you.

If it didn't mean anything when you traced my palms what compelled you to do it? Do you even remember the moment you suddenly cupped my cheek with your palm oh so gently and then just as quickly pulled away? My skin refuses to forget.

And after these three years of whatever this was, I give up. I can't become another story; that's all we end up being to you, stories. Even the ones who think they made it, that is all they become. I will leave, I am leaving so please spare me at least of that.

You won.

I am terrified.
I can't watch crime shows anymore,
I can't even enjoy the book I'm reading for English class.
Sometimes when I look out my window, instead of my eyes finding the stars, they just stare out into nothing, imagining what could be lurking there,
It terrifies me.
There are few things that scare me,
Being perfection, when someone I love is hurting, and the idea of man being inherently evil.
I know it's a bit contradictory but I am who I am and I think what I think.
Perfection haunts me because I want to always be me and being perfect, I feel I would lose my humanity,
The people I love the most are the ones who suffer most, I don't know why, I'm not sure how to help, we don't always get to even talk, but just the idea of someone I love hurting and me not being able to help, god it's awful, and the worst part is it's more than an idea because I know they are, but I can't make them choose me to help, and they don't on their own, so there is nothing I can do for them,
And man being inherently evil? I don't know how I can even reconcile this in my head, I know it's messed up somewhere, especially if it's at the point where I know it makes no sense but I still feel it's true, but I guess I feel man can reach perfection, it is his ultimate goal,
And if we start out evil, and evil is our nature, than how could we ever become worthy?
and what would become of our wicked souls?
I believe I am good, that I am getting better,
And that sways me to relief, but then I turn on the TV, and there's someone killing another man and for what? Too see if he could, money? A grudge, enjoyment of the action?
And I guess that's my fear there, because it means either I too am evil, or I am different from who should be my brothers, and they will suffer for what they could not control,
And I'm not sure which I would prefer.
I like to believe that God only let the devil fall so he could earn his way into the kingdom instead of just being given it, but that doesn't make it true.

tick                     *tick
             tock                    tock
The clock strikes twelve
And I delve
Into thoughts
I thought I forgot
But here they are
Gold and marred
Crying and dying for
I can save but one before
They're gone

I am surrounded by stars
But even in
Their blinding radiance
They cast only
Shadows

The sorrow of the stars
Covers all of earth
Wet grass beneath my feet
Reminiscent of the golden birth
Dawn's fingers caress the sky
Her dawdling hands try to justify
Genocide with light, the world adorning
But the tears of the stars always remain
Remind
There's a reason we call it *mourning

I've been told contradictions don't exist
So why in the pit of my being is there a void and a mound of lead all at the same time?

My eyes swirl blue and green at the edges, but from far away
They look grey
And all around the dark centers, they are guilded with gold
Just like this world I so desperately want to explore
Just like me