Roads divided
And hearts are blinded
By pain

For what?

Brain is pounding
Sirens are sounding
Insane

Enough?

I am still young
I could gaze at the sun
For years

what cost?

I have lost friends
But they weren't, in the end,
I tried

I lost

You know you're growing older when there's no more comfort in sleeping in your mothers bed,
And everything is confusing and complicated and so, so loud inside your own head,
But you know you're growing stronger when you head into the dark alone and found
Yourself actually trying to find the volume button, and turn all the pounding, the screaming voices,
down

"Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest"
I spoke as Hamlet died in my arms
Both the man and the play were finished today
And I was the only one to survive it
I sat at my desk in silence
The death of my lord,
My best friend,
Still heavy in my heart
And my teacher walked outside for water
And it was so noisy around me
But my soul was still giving it's respects
When I heard my name
She beckoned me to her
I left the class room,
Hamlet's only pallbearer,
And she pointed
And in a hole at the corner of the building
Sat something so precious
Peeking her little head out curiously
And with just a glance in my direction
The kitten hiding in the school building
Took the other end of hamlet's coffin
And Meleanie helped me to lift my side
And we laid him to rest in that hole of the building
Together

I'm in my garage
Yellow paint on my fingers
Red on my nails
I'm spray painting and normal painting and everything in between
On a ukulele
From a show I don't really watch
For a person I don't really know
And that makes me sad
Because they don't know me either
But to be someone's friend you must know them
And right now
No one knows me
And I think I would like to change that
Because I think I would like to have a friend again
It's kind of nice
Most parts
From what I remember
But most of the people I know don't really understand friendship
Because they said "oh I love her!"
And then looked down at the table embarrassed as she ran away crying
And it left in awful taste in my mouth, seeing them, as I chased after her,
I do not like realizing things that make me sad
But I guess if it hadn't happened
Then I wouldn't have decided to try,
Her being upset was a very bad thing
But it strengthened who we were in relation to eachother
And it made me really realize, I've known all along, I suppose decide is more appropriate, and that is a good thing
It's funny how the world works that way

You're dancing through corners
Dodging questions and formerly friends
You don't want to talk unless it's a joke
You're too scared to eat for fear you may choke yet again
But you still don't want people's help

You still just won't let me help

I just want you to smile again

I'm not exactly happy right now
But I'm not exactly crying
And I'm not exactly living right now
But I'm not well on my way to dying
And people collectively are not exactly good
But neither are they bad
And it's been a while since I've stood
But I'm not sitting down sad
Because I am not defined by one action
We are constantly changing, growing,
Into who we need to be
We are not one moment of pain or satisfaction
We simply are and I am, and knowing
Knowing that keeps me free

tick                     *tick
             tock                    tock
The clock strikes twelve
And I delve
Into thoughts
I thought I forgot
But here they are
Gold and marred
Crying and dying for
I can save but one before
They're gone

As to the times and the seasons
As to men and their reason
For though things suddenly come
Whether be demons or the glorious son
We do not thrive in darkness
We were not made for the night
To us stars, angels, harken
You are the children of light

If I were
A dog
I would be
The type
That runs
Away

If I were
A bird
I would be
The type
That sings
All day

But I'm
Just
A girl,
The type
That writes
To pray

Why are beds so great?
Because they are soft?
Is it because curling up under a blanket in them subconsciously reminds me of the womb?
Or the times when I was much younger, and another could be with me and nothing would be weird at all?
Is it because deep in my heart, I'm a romantic, and I think about the person who I will love above all else, and who will feel the same to me, who will share my bed and my soul?
Maybe I'm overthinking things and it's just because bed is a comfortable place to be, but (this will probably sound strange) my thoughts of my bed or the feeling I have going to sleep feel more substantial than that
Maybe I just love sleeping
I probably just love sleeping
But maybe I love this mattress too

What is the difference between the whole and an eccence
What draws the line between one's sufferings or their penance,
What makes someone lonely but not alone
Since when did the right to be happy submit to the need to atone

As she was tucking him into his bed
She loosely grasped for his hand and she said
Son do you mind the blanket gran knit?
He said no I don't, I don't not one bit,
It's big and it's warm, she made it to be,
She made it for love and she made it for me
Son do you hate it when I pack your lunch?
Mommy, you're silly I love it a bunch,
I know you're busy and it's hard to do,
And the note you leave, well, reminds me of you
Son do you hate me cuz I'm not you're real mom?
I don't mind that, that it hasn't been long,
Because I love when we are together
Right now I'm new, but we'll last forever
Son do you hate having to mothers?
Mommy I wouldn't want any others
Mommies love their children, that's what they're for
And now I have two, to love me all the more

Others laugh, my voice is silent,
Others dream, my minds more violent,
Others see, my eyes are clouded,
Others smile, my minds too crowded,
But others are themselves, as I should be
I could learn a lesson from them, learn to be me

There is murmuring
Completely surrounding
The vessel of my mind
Imaginary places
Occupying stationary spaces
Hiding behind my eyes
Words no one said
Envelop my head
And leave my real eyes blind
Trying to know
What I lost long ago
But the past is so hard to find

A living prison, a cage of bone
A beating submission, confined, enthroned
Fettered by the weight of a breathing crown
Off centered, a bit to the left, and looking down
Never up, he's never braver
To hold the gaze of his enslaver
Who dwells above the cage he built
Killing doves  and avoiding guilt
Wrinkled, emotionless, an empty whole
The captor found not comfort, but lack of pain, in selling his own soul

You want to know who I am, well sorry friend I'm not,
We should've talked so long ago, I'm sorry I forgot
You want to save me from myself, but sorry you cannot,
So just leave, just close the door and leave sorry me to rot

I heard a word that stirred my soul,
My heart, lips part, words start to roll
Off of tongue, the beauty sung hurt my lungs, breathe,
I remind myself, crying I find myself, it meant to grieve,
To smile, to walk a thousand miles on hot coals,
It drains a straining heart then a second later makes it full,
It surrounds us, it confounds us, leaves us bound to one another,
It gave me what might yet save me, bound me to all my brothers,
I regret how I forget things so fast, things that came from up above,
But I just woke and finally spoke that once forgotten word,
It's already fading, please come back to me,
Love

I'm currently at a family party
I was grabbing a chicken finger
When I saw my great uncle
How are you
He asks
I smile
Say
I'm fine
And
He
Chuckled

Said
I don't believe that

I ask why

He says

Because
I
Know
You

Today hasn't been the best,
It started out with the girl who didn't mean to hurt me,
I'm not mad at her, it just hurts to see her, but I cover it up fine,
Then swung me by the nursing home to give me a quick reminder about mortality,
I've never specifically cared about my own, but it's always nice to have a reminder that if I ever managed to find someone to care about me too, they could just drop dead and leave me
Alone
Again
Then it brought me back home to **** time, I never meant to waste anything, but it's not like I have anything else to do with it so,
I made some Italian pies to have something to do,
Then there was nothing.
I took a bike,
Listened to twenty one pilots, pushed myself as far as I could go,
Tried to outrun the fact that no matter how fast or far I could go, I can't ride away from myself, and I was just going faster and faster towards nothing,
But, of course I couldn't,
So here I am
Just breathing

I do not not have anyone to save me

Just a kayak

Money I can only have if I go to school

And a dream

I don't even want to hold you anymore.
You did it. You Won.

I know now I am nothing to you but something to dwell on in the hidden places
A hand to hold when it's too dark to see

But I could always see
And because of that, I started to see you.

If it didn't mean anything when you traced my palms what compelled you to do it? Do you even remember the moment you suddenly cupped my cheek with your palm oh so gently and then just as quickly pulled away? My skin refuses to forget.

And after these three years of whatever this was, I give up. I can't become another story; that's all we end up being to you, stories. Even the ones who think they made it, that is all they become. I will leave, I am leaving so please spare me at least of that.

You won.

I'll make it through
Others have been through worse,
Yes, I know, it's true,
But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt,
But the truest steel is forged in flame,
And the truth of my heart is forged by pain,
I'll be ok ,I have to be ok,
Or else I won't know difference between night and day,
There will be nothing in my chest,
It hurts I have confessed,
But if I stop to dwell in pain it will stay,
And if it stays I know I will go away,
Husks aren't living, but I need to be,
I must keep living, or I'll never be free,
Because when you stop living, you die,
And if you won't inhale, you can't ever sigh,
And if you've never smiled, you've never really cried,
And what isn't real, no amount of faith can buy,
So I will keep living, I'll start trying, I'll stop lying,
To myself, at least, the truth will be known,
And I'll live till I die, no inbetween, No empty throne,
This is what shall be, this is all the truth I own

A beautiful girl,
Weeding the garden,
Covered in rags

A handsome prince,
Riding his horse on by,
Gilded with silk

He sees her
She sees him

He rides on
she goes back to work

I curl up into *****
And use my hair like a shield
When people are around, I hide in dark rooms
and closets
My brother had friends over and even though I was starving I could hear them so I didn't go down and get food
For hours
Am I scared of them
Or embarrassed of myself
Or what is happening
I have a headache
I'm the result of cumulative heartbreak
And all I want
Is to rest
Take a break from it all
Clear my head
And maybe then I'll find a way out

People have no respect
For the ones like me
We fly but cannot land
And it's so hard to see
I guess we are insects
And that's all I'll be
But they cannot stand
The fact we are free

Good for her, she finally found a boy worth keeping
Good for him, he finally found another soul for reaping
Good for me, I'll finally get to be alone in my weeping
Good for us

I am surrounded by stars
But even in
Their blinding radiance
They cast only
Shadows

I loved being in love
I loved that giddy feeling I got when I talked to you
I loved the way my heart got all fluttery
I especially loved your smile
But, there are always the things that make you wonder
I didn't love the feeling I got staring at my phone for hours, waiting
I didn't love how my heart would get so heavy so fast, til I couldn't move and needed you to free me
I especially didn't love how I always felt you didn't care at all

That's why I'm using past tense
So I can get over this feeling faster
The thing I value most is freedom
But somehow you got me to chain myself
And you never meant to, I know
You never knew,
But I still need to break the chains
Because I've recently been discovering,
I deserve to be happy too

Imagine a balloon
So high up in the air all you can see is a red dot
With a string, miles long, connecting it to a golden anchor
By your feet
And you have a pair of scissors
Would you cut the string and let it fly into a mysterious oblivion
Possibly just a balloon graveyard, but maybe an adventure, where the whole sky is pink save for a few golden threads
Or reel it down and retie it on the anchor, beautiful, but static, only a slight wind to add any variation,
if there was ever even a wind at
all
Or would you cut the balloon, and take it with you, where ever you choose to go?

I think I need a break,
Everything here tears me down and rakes
My heart, and these wounds do not close,
I am an ant and life is a rose,
I try to climb to that sweet fragrance
But there are thorns to impale me and the other ants
Put me down, I'll never get to the soft red petals,
And right now if life were cars, I'd be in a rental,
And it's due the next day,
And I'm out of money, what could I say
Besides yeah you're right ok

I've been told contradictions don't exist
So why in the pit of my being is there a void and a mound of lead all at the same time?

I am terrified.
I can't watch crime shows anymore,
I can't even enjoy the book I'm reading for English class.
Sometimes when I look out my window, instead of my eyes finding the stars, they just stare out into nothing, imagining what could be lurking there,
It terrifies me.
There are few things that scare me,
Being perfection, when someone I love is hurting, and the idea of man being inherently evil.
I know it's a bit contradictory but I am who I am and I think what I think.
Perfection haunts me because I want to always be me and being perfect, I feel I would lose my humanity,
The people I love the most are the ones who suffer most, I don't know why, I'm not sure how to help, we don't always get to even talk, but just the idea of someone I love hurting and me not being able to help, god it's awful, and the worst part is it's more than an idea because I know they are, but I can't make them choose me to help, and they don't on their own, so there is nothing I can do for them,
And man being inherently evil? I don't know how I can even reconcile this in my head, I know it's messed up somewhere, especially if it's at the point where I know it makes no sense but I still feel it's true, but I guess I feel man can reach perfection, it is his ultimate goal,
And if we start out evil, and evil is our nature, than how could we ever become worthy?
and what would become of our wicked souls?
I believe I am good, that I am getting better,
And that sways me to relief, but then I turn on the TV, and there's someone killing another man and for what? Too see if he could, money? A grudge, enjoyment of the action?
And I guess that's my fear there, because it means either I too am evil, or I am different from who should be my brothers, and they will suffer for what they could not control,
And I'm not sure which I would prefer.
I like to believe that God only let the devil fall so he could earn his way into the kingdom instead of just being given it, but that doesn't make it true.

I don't know a lot of things,
I don't know why leaves should be green and skies should be blue,
I don't know what can drive a person to do some of the things that they do,
I don't get why people can't just talk about how they feel,
And I will probably never learn to determine the difference between what is fake and what's real,
But I think I've learned
One must suffer into the truth because they cannot know true happiness without pain,
Heavenly bread should never be the cost of an earthly gain,
The only person you owe anything to is you,
And you deserve to be happy, no matter sins you've committed and ones you will do,
And the one thing I know to be infallibly true,
Is no matter what I tell myself, what I say, I think I may love you
But you don't feel the same way as me
And that's okay too

Whatever endeavor I choose to try
Whatever a feather can make you fly
Whatever did sever the old mans head
Whatever does tether a life to dead
Whatever pulled lever can make a change
Whatever a leather for foot can't save
Whatever a word may mean to mean
Whatever a heart can seem to seem
And whether words heard can be true
That fate can control what we may do,
Whatever forever fills in the spots
Of questions, of ises, and of nots