I have never met someone as selfish, rude, and ridiculous
And now, I have to have anxiety attacks because
I have to struggle through a whole week alone with you

I am so ******* happy
And I feel like there is a reason
Something I should realize
But I'm too oblivious
To notice anything anymore

My mother hides things from me,
a lot of things,
but I can't be mad, I guess.

I do it, too.

I have fantasized about many things
But mostly of the sun, but breezy days
And unheard of crazy music blaring
And smoking and alcoholic happy days
And old cars, with new hang-outs
And all of it happening this year

Maybe things are different
Maybe views have shifted
Maybe things are fixed

You told me you loved me that night after track
You told me you loved me & I said it back.
You told me you loved me & we were forever
You told me you loved me no matter the weather.
You told me you loved me, but I didn't believe you
You told me you loved me & 'I'll never leave you'.
You told me you loved me & it was fast and quick
You told me you loved me but my laugh made you sick.
You told me you loved but this was the last
You told me you loved her & our love was the past.

I never realized the discontent within me
or, I did, and I ignored it, happy to shut it out
when my soul didn't fit the definition of woman that God provided
I told myself, actually told myself, that I could be a man of Christ
and I held to that in the quiet of my heart, silently
When I was little I used to pray to God that he would make me a boy
I used to cry myself to sleep because there didn't seem to be a solution
there was no way, except for a miracle, maybe one day
I'd wake up and everything would feel right
and as my hips grew in I couldn't help feeling upset
that my jeans would never sag and I would never be angular
I didn't know that blocking out these thoughts wasn't normal
I didn't know that most everyone didn't have these thoughts
I used to dream about growing out my beard
I only watch straight **** and I'm not sure why but I think
it's because I have never seen myself as a woman
I used to play outside with my shirt off, fighting off the dog with my 'spear'
I thought I was a warrior, I thought I was a king
I thought I was one of God's golden angels
I thought my voice was low when I began to sing
I made friends with boys and had crushes on girls
just like all the other boys
and when they left me it was the saddest thing
My teachers told me I should just play with the girls
and I cried. What child, when told to wear a dress,
tells her mother that it was the worst day of her life?
What child wants to grow out her leg hair and have pecs, not *****
what child wants short hair and a beard and narrow hips
what child wants to kiss girls in a chivalrous manner, not
like a woman stealing a girl away from her heterosexuality,
what child feels like she's in a costume when she dresses up
and wears makeup, what child immediately removes her nail polish?
who am I? Am I who they say I am?

I'm not immune to throwing shade