the sun goes by, and it sets
as we lie and ruminate
in empty rooms inside our heads
and the days come late
while the nights draw near
we run in circles on the hands of fate
as we eat our fears
one by one
the moon goes by, and it sets
the days are gone
nothing but whispered threats
but we draw blood
and it drips
on soil and mud
during crashed road trips
to a destination that dies
as we grow close
and it splits,
divides
crossroads.

the fires told me to run
they shook me from my shoulders
leaving charred handprints on my shirt
they told me to run and never look back
to never spare a single glance
until the sun rises
until it sets
until the world fades to ashes
i wouldn't know where to go, i say
it doesn't matter, they say
run away
run away
run away

and so i did.

quiet school halls fill the scene
my sepia toned memories
of scorching days
in an everlasting summer
repeating, redundant
the same old dream every night.

i still see you in my dreams
white hallways of burgundy tile and gravel
multi coloured lockers line the walls
sometimes i believe
im in a dream
still a sleep on my desk
before the lunchbell
when things were a haze of quiet noise
do the fish still swim?
does that tree still stand tall?
are the things that i've hidden
stuffed between shelves,
covered by rocks,
still there?
or have curious fingers touched them
traced the loops of my handwriting
wondering who
i am

i wonder, too

i still see you in my dreams
fresh cut grass,
tall windows, plush seats
a corner
hidden from the world.

im tired
of keeping myself on a short leash
and getting disappointed
when i think you would release me
when all you do is make it shorter.

the trees sway with the gentle afternoon breeze
as the hot day ticks by
the familiar whirr of a car zooms through an empty street
as joggers jog along the lonely pavement
stray cats hiss and scratch
a dog wanders alone
the busy life i once lived through
seems like a blurred dream
but this is a season finale
and a long, stretched out hiatus of some sort
and soon the next episode will start
soon.

the solemn sighs in empty halls
these vacant thoughts that line the walls
a chilly breeze through a midnight flare
waiting for the heavens to bear
to bear a heart that's ice cold and blue
thawing in the light of the moon
and with each beat that pains, that hurts
that explodes into starbursts
of woad and gold in the vastness of the sky
on this lonely
this lovely
starry,
starry night.

The glow of orange streetlights
The neons, the stale greys, the ***** whites
The many shades of skin I see
Oh how I love the city

A dreamer's den
And sights to see
The souvenir pens
And skyscrapers so high you can't see the peak

The mix of language
The workers' plight
The late night hours
And the fear of heights

All these one night stands
All these broken hearts
All these underground bands
All the vandalised street art

This concrete jungle
This cement sea
To where my heart belongs
Despite the battles, we don't fight alone
I love the city
I love my home.

i write my words laced with love
but i have never even tasted it
and never have ever felt its flavour
glide against my tongue
and on the surface of my lips
never once held such in my hands
or even felt it graze upon my fingertips
but there are few instances
in which i thought it was love
as sweet and raw as it was
but it was no more than the sliminess of infatuation
and the bitter coldness of a crush.

"hello, what is your name?"

the familiar vibration in my ears
that creeps its way into my blood
a buzz
a hum
constant
beneath my skin
when days were louder
like the crash of pots and pans
in my grandmother's house
where the ceiling was littered with butterflies
like the static from empty radio stations
akin to that of crunching snow
and the harsh grating of metal

they are the memories dipped in sepia
and overexposed flashes of light
dripping as they walk on
leaving footprints
a silhouette

it is the fear of our wrinkling hands that drive us closer to the edge
to the end
as the sun and moon rewind in a never ending cycle
a loop
right before a leap of faith
towards that never ending youth
the desperate sliver of summer at the end of a blurry december's haze
when nothing is recognisable
a restart

"hello, what is your name?"

im too old for teenage heartbreak, too young to die
im too old to make mistakes, and too young to cry
over things that seem bigger than me, over things i cant see
over things that dont make sense, over things i cant be.

i wonder if its all worth it in the end

i have this fear of finishing things
of things coming to a close
i hate the feeling of reaching the ending
and having to put it down
to move on to the next thing

the next thing,
i always wonder what it would be
how can it fill the void of what has already concluded?
how can anything be better?

im better off leaving things undone
and i do
every painting only a few short strokes
left from completion
every show an episode or two until the credits roll
every meal a bite away from clearing my plate

it all overwhelms me

i keep running and running until i see the finish line
but then i always take a detour
and then another
and another
until im running around in circles like a dog chasing its tail

i know the end will come
and i know things have to end
and i know that things never last forever
and i know that i cant just continue tracing my footsteps
over and over and over again

i wish i could skip to the good part
or have someone spoil the ending for me
so i can live in peace and quiet in groundhog day
sleeping, dreaming of the next day

the next day
and the next
and the next
in tireless
repetition

the next day becomes
the next month
then months
then year
and years
and years go by
the white hairs on my mother's head grow plenty
and i can count the crows feet by my father's eyes
it terrifies me
cant i be fifteen forever?
forever a child
reliving the same euphoria of a routine
over and over again

play the tapes
play them backwards
reverse fast forward reverse and pause and repeat
rinse and repeat
rinse and repeat
rinse and repeat.

i watched the ocean
a remnant of light burning my nape
as i decide to look towards the inky sea
everything shrouded in darkness
yet still, i take it all in
feel the sand beneath my toes
smell the salt in the ocean breeze
and i shiver as frigid waters touch my skin

the waves
pull me in
like a warm embrace

they take me places ive never dreamed of
whispers in my ears

sloshing in my head
swishing in my head
my brain swimming in seawater
turning into seafoam.

she was just the shadow of a memory
dancing in the night

ive seen you puke your soul out
in school bathrooms

ive seen you fade in and out
your fingertips flickering
in transparency

ive held you in my palms
skin cold, prickly with ice
you wrapped your arms around my waist
but i couldnt feel you

maybe youre a ghost
a ghost that seems to follow me around
a lost ghost with nowhere to go
and yet you seem to find me everywhere

maybe youre a shadow
too scared of the sun
hiding behind me for protection

maybe youre a one-off thought
the remnants of late night brainstorms
that thundered and raged on in my sleep-deprived mind

how come you never show your face anymore?

i miss feeling like i never cared
as if life was merely something id get to experience when im older
but the reality sinks
and hits me in the face
and now im having a mid life crisis during my teen years
and the desire to die makes me high and low at the same time
to the point where i can't distinguish what's real or not
it's a wonderful day
a wonderful day
a wonderful
a wonder

i wonder.

it came in a flurry of pink and blue
my cotton candy days
of swirling colours down the length of my spine
down the length of my throat
pooling at the base of my feet
lilac tears and a blurry violet haze
puffing like smoke before my stinging eyes
and disappearing without a trace.