you know, i was depressed a few years ago
but i did it on purpose
convinced myself my life was bad
just to experience being incredibly sad
it was stupid because i started to believe it
and then i harmed myself
for no reason
but i guess it was a good thing
because now i can recognize the feelings
now im truly depressed
i can feel it washing over me
there's nothing i can do about it
i feel nothing
just have to push through it i guess

sitting outside in the freezing cold with some friends
talking about Disney movies and why we don't like some of them
talking about the flat earth theory and talking about being psychic
talking about how no one likes us and that's why we're not going to homecoming because no one asked
my hands are getting numb and my drawings are flapping in the wind
the teacher is inside and i tell them about a dream i had when i was 6 years old and how i still remember it to this day because it traumatized me so much
and we're just laughing about it but that dream made me scared of the ocean and boats
to this day i will never ever get on a boat and sail out to the middle of the ocean
i only feel safe if i'm standing on the shore
but all this made me realize that maybe i should take chances
maybe i need to do more things
make new friends
because one of the people sitting with us i never met
and she was really cool and i would like to be friends with her
maybe i need to be brave because nothing is going to happen if i'm always just standing in the same place, not willing to sail to new beginnings

we talked about the future like it was already here
like tomorrow would be the day our life started
it felt like i could reach out and touch it
and my skin grew warm from the sunshine woven around my heart

please don't leave me
i know i'm a mess
i know i'm a wreck
but i love you more than anything
and i'm trying my hardest
i'm really trying

this tree aches
it's bones rattle in the wind
it's longing arms reaching to the sky
why can't this tree be the bird that sits upon it's branches?
so free
it flies away
instead it's rooted to the ground
stuck in one place
perhaps part of this tree will reach new places
but it never stays for too long
here, it is stuck
here, it is aching
here, in the forest of my heart

i want to give you all of me
every single thing
i'm so tired of being scared
so here
here's my heart
i'm handing it to you
it is now in your hands
please be careful
it breaks really easily
so here
here's my mind
and all my thoughts and feelings
please be careful
i am very insecure
so here
here's my soul
and everything that comes with it
please be careful
it's really important to me
so here
here's all of me
please be careful
i trust you enough to do what's right for me
i trust you to love me and take care of me
i trust you
so please don't break me
i'm trusting you with all of me

please remind me how much you love me
how much you want me
how much you care about me
remind me of all the things that make your heart race
and the things that make you smile
remind me of the future we want
and how happy we'll be once we're together
please remind me
because i can't feel anything
please remind me
so i don't forget you're real
please remind me
so i don't drift away from you
please remind me
so i don't push you away
please remind me
please

you are the strongest person i know
you've been through hell and you still stand
some days, it's hard for you to even breathe
it's hard for you to walk or stand without being so tired
and you still have the best attitude towards life
you make jokes with everyone
and there's always a smile on your face
you're so passionate about what you do
and you have never given up
you say you still want to do things
like skydive and bungee jumping
but you can't
and i'm so sorry
for some reason, i'm your favorite
i don't know why
i'm not the best artist
i'm not the best student
but i'm your favorite
and you tell everyone that
maybe it's because
we connected last year
the year i had millions of cuts
running up and down my arms
hurting myself in school bathrooms
and trying to **** myself in the woods behind my house
and you saw right through me
and you told me you were depressed
that you know what it feels like
and you still rise
you've been through worse pain than me
and my pain is nothing compared to yours
but we connected somehow
and i want to be just like you
to be able to push through the pain
to be able to smile when it hurts deep down
to be able to have a positive attitude towards life
even though it has stabbed you in the back so many times
i've never had a teacher i felt so close to

i cannot handle your mess right now


                                                     - i have my own wreckage to take care of

dear demons, i am loved
despite the words you scream at me
"you're unlovable"
no i'm not

sitting in an H&R Block waiting room
a makeshift bed of chairs
eyes closing as the pain soaks in
the snow outside falling like teardrops
slow and painful, yet beautiful
my feet are numb from the cold
just like my feelings
anxiety rising like my body heat as I sit here
sheltered from the ghosts outside
the church bell ringing of my heart
searching for words out in the cold
as if they'll appear on the window in front of me
all I want is a quiet and easy life
it's been so loud and painful so far
empty stomach, full head
why can't my mind be hungry instead?
I barely feel a smile deep inside me
yawning mouths, tired eyes
on edge, on the edge, why can't I jump off the edge?
I keep moving toward the storm, torn
I'm not who I'm supposed to be
sitting here for over an hour just thinking isn't too good for me