that agonizing pain in your chest
teardrops forming puddles on the bathroom floor
biting down on your hand or a towel or anything
to keep from making a sound
your body trembling and shaking
and you're surprised you just haven't given up yet
the scars already on your body pulling you in
and urging you to just rip open your skin
but there's that promise you made
the promise you can't break
no questions asked
so you cry until no more tears come out
but by then you're throwing up
because you cried so hard
and all you want to do is scream
but you can't
so you pick yourself up
and when you look at yourself in the mirror
you're not that surprised at how broken you look
then you practice your fake smile
try to splash your face with cold water
to try to make it look like you weren't just falling apart
and then you open up the bathroom door
hoping that there isn't someone on the other side

sitting in an H&R Block waiting room
a makeshift bed of chairs
eyes closing as the pain soaks in
the snow outside falling like teardrops
slow and painful, yet beautiful
my feet are numb from the cold
just like my feelings
anxiety rising like my body heat as I sit here
sheltered from the ghosts outside
the church bell ringing of my heart
searching for words out in the cold
as if they'll appear on the window in front of me
all I want is a quiet and easy life
it's been so loud and painful so far
empty stomach, full head
why can't my mind be hungry instead?
I barely feel a smile deep inside me
yawning mouths, tired eyes
on edge, on the edge, why can't I jump off the edge?
I keep moving toward the storm, torn
I'm not who I'm supposed to be
sitting here for over an hour just thinking isn't too good for me

take me to the ocean. i miss her. i haven't touched her waves in so long. i want to feel the cold water on my skin. i want to touch the whole world. i am a storm. i can relate to the rage. the moments of calm. the overwhelming pain. i can feel it. the agony. take me to the ocean. i miss her. take me. take me to the ones with coniferous trees on the beach. the grey mist. the empty beaches. the cold breeze. take me there. just take me away from here. and when i die. cremate me. and spread my ashes along the waves.

i feel like i'm still holding so much back
i'm sorry, i'm still too scared to get attached

i n e e d you

i cannot B R E A T H E without yo
                                                              ­      u

it h
      u
         r
            t
              s

                               *             *              *      
                                     *          *        *      *
            it's such a    *        beautiful      *              pain
                                    *        ­ *                *
                              *            *  ­         *              

i sat outside in the cold today
everyone complaining about the chill
i was wearing a tank top
while everyone had jackets and sweatshirts
everyone was shocked to see me there
just withstanding the cold weather
the truth is
i was shivering
i was freezing
but i liked it
i liked the feeling of becoming numb
i liked pretending i was tougher than everyone

i fell asleep amongst bottles of paint
and strokes of love
thinking of you
and the undying love that is
buried deep in my heart
and around it
an unbreachable wall stands to this day
unequivocally there
and withstanding
your heart is a poem
whose words bind with mine
your eyes are a paintbrush
that paint the skies
you've got a handle on my heart
painting on the canvas of the future

 - you were always an art form too beautiful for unworthy eyes