i'm kind of just breathing at this point
just breathing
just moving
just existing
not even living
i'm not even living anymore
i'm so tired
and nothing feels good anymore
what a way to be alive

my head is somewhere else
light on my body
my vision fading in
just breathe
and out
don't forget to breathe
my head spinning
drink water
my vision keeps blurring
keep drinking the water!
i hate feeling this way
feeling like i'm going to faint
oh god, just breathe
just focusing on one thing
moving slowly
just be careful
you're okay
keep breathing
the anxiety only makes it worse
you're okay

i want to experience everything in life
and if that means rebelling against you
then so be it
i'm allowed to be myself
and you can't take that away from me

i'm usually a happy, bubbly person
who will walk you to your class
even if mine is on the other side of the school
but when i don't do that
it means i feel weak and tired
i can't walk without making people angry behind me
i walk too slow
there's no energy inside me
to move my bones

I'm usually a happy, bubbly person
who will try to make you laugh
and get over-excited talking about things
but when i don't say any words at all
it means i'm thinking too much
focusing on my thoughts
and not the sounds that should be coming out

i'm usually a happy, bubbly person
who will be smiling 24/7
and laughing at everything
but when there's a frown plastered on my face
it means my low feelings have risen above the high ones
and it is all i can feel
no matter how much you try to make me laugh

i'm usually a happy, bubbly person
who would skip down the hallways
and dance around my friends
but when i'm just walking and not doing anything
it means i don't have the enthusiasm to do those things
and it hasn't shown up for awhile
no matter what i do to try to revive it

i'm usually a happy, bubbly person
but when i'm upset
you would probably tell how upset i am

i feel left behind
all the freaking time
like nobody wants to be bothered
with this mess i call mine
it's fine
honestly, it's fine
all i ever do is try, try, try
but it seems i've lost my light

i've been thinking for awhile now
im not really sure what i feel anymore
do i even feel anything at all?
my heart is as bare as a cloudless sky
there's nothing else there
i still love you
trust me, i do
but to feel anything else
is unfathomable for now
i don't know where my emotions have run off to

if i said i didn't like pain
i'd be lying
it makes me feel alive
i don't inflict pain on myself on purpose
but i am a little more dangerous
with things
my legs have not looked clear in years
there's always scabs and bruises
splattered over my skin
like paint on a canvas
as soon as one goes away
another one shows up
i'm like a little kid
who always has skinned knees
playing rough
and acting tough
it's who i am
and i do not cry
when i get hurt physically
i always laugh instead
my bones break
my skin tears open
my blood says hi to the air outside
and no tears exist in my eyes
i'm tough on the outside
because i'm so fragile on the inside
people have said they're scared of me
because of my tough outer shell
people have said i'm intimidating
but if they saw what's on the inside
they would laugh
it's a good thing i have this wall built up

to fall asleep writing about you

i wish i could feel your touch
i wish i could hear your voice
i wish i could hear that fake laugh you do
i wish i could have a tickle fight with you
i wish your lips were on mine
i wish we were sleeping side by side
i wish you were pulling me close

i'm gonna call you "baby"
and tell you all the things
i've been wanting to say to you
who knows how much time we have left

maybe mosquito bites are just love bites
and maybe the pain is just all in your head

i can still smell you on my skin
and it gets my heart racing thinking about seeing you again

i never write in cursive
unless it's about you
because you're too special
for ordinary things

i spent so long in the bathtub
writing about you
the water turned cold
and my skin wrinkled up
and i haven't even got my hair soaked yet

i'll spend my day sleeping
that way i can get to you faster

you keep calling me "lovely"
and it warms my heart

i have my heart in the palm of my hands
and i'm reaching it out to you
i can feel my heartbeat pulsing within me
and i want you to feel it too
so i'm handing you my heart
please take good care of it
it is now yours
i hope you can hand yours to me
because, you, i absolutely adore

what do you plan on doing?
staying with me forever
or leaving me alone?
it's one or the other

(please choose the first one)

she said the difference
between me and you
is that i'm pretty
and you're not
and that's why she won't be with you

you ask how i could love him
and still talk to him after he put me down
you ask me how i could put myself
in a position where i could be hurt
you ask why i have no self-esteem
or self-worth
but i do
i do
i have self-esteem and self-worth
i value myself above any other
i love myself despite the fact that you can't
why do i still love him?
why do i still put myself in that position?
yes, he hurt me before
but so have you
and i didn't lock you out, did i?
it is called forgiveness
you have to understand why people do the things they do
the reason he broke up with me
is because his friend made him
she didn't like me
so she told him she would tell the school
we were doing things we weren't supposed to do
if he didn't leave me
(which we did no such thing)
the thing is
i told people the bad things about him
i do not know why
but there is more good in him
he is so good
so very good
he is a gentleman
he is kind and gentle
he is trustworthy
and has a beautiful personality
there's so much more
there's good in him
that's why i love him
you do not see the good
everyone has their own type
everyone likes what they like
and he is mine
i love him
he makes me happy
and by what you are saying
you do not want me to have happiness
so thank you
but i'm going to do what makes me happy
and that's being with him
and if you don't like that
i'm sorry
but you're the one putting me down
you're the one hurting me
you're the one making me feel
worthless and not good enough
and i found someone who doesn't do that to me
so thanks but no thanks
i'm fine just where i am

i see what you're trying to do
hurt me because i hurt you
trying to get with the girl
that became my friend
just because our friendship
has seemed to end
dear, she came to me worried
and let me read the letter
you say i hurt you
but you're no better
i saw what you said
trying to become closer
by saying how you were both hurt by me
but she knows i didn't do it on purpose
she just wants me to be happy
i think it's so funny
that you call her pretty and cute
just a week after she left me feeling blue
it doesn't really matter to me anyway
but still, you kind of brought us closer today

nighttime tears kiss the pillow
shaking from sobbing
the pain says hello
i know i messed up
i know you're not proud
but i'm trying my hardest
in this ruthless crowd
i'm trying to be better
for everyone around me
but how can i do that
when you go on a hurting spree
everyone always hurts me to death
i know i'm so sensitive
but it's not like i can change that
maybe just be careful
maybe just have mercy
i think you know i break easily
so why do you have to hurt me?
i know you're just trying to get it in my head
but it's there
it's already there
it's in the tears i shed
i wish that you could learn compassion
and that's not who you are
but i wish you could learn it
you say i'm worth it
you say you love me
but when i'm around you
i feel the opposite
i never asked to be this way
it's just the lessons i have to learn
but that doesn't mean you have to
hit me until it hurts
i'm trying
i'm trying my hardest to make you proud
but i just can't seem to do that
i know you protest against this
but i am in love with him
and you say that it's not love
but it's love to me
so i'm just going to rise above
love is sacrifice in many ways
and i'm willing to sacrifice your trust for him
remember my psychic feelings?
i get them with him
and you may not believe that
but it is the truth
so i'm sorry i'm not the best daughter
but at least i'm happy

All you ever do is put me down
and i don't even think you know that you do
i'm finally happy
i'm finally okay
and then you find something awful to say
you try to convince me that this isn't right
but i will not back down without a fight
i never really asked for an opinion from you
you may be trying to be a good friend
but you just leave me feeling blue
you make me feel not good enough for anyone
you convince me that the worst possible thing could happen
and this whole time i thought it was other people
but it's you
just let me be happy for once
even if it's the wrong thing
don't bring me down
and tear me apart
just because you're jealous
that someone else likes me
and i don't want you
because that's the truth
i do not want you
i think it's pretty clear
i want him for the rest of my life
and that's never changing anytime soon
so stop hurting me
because you are hurt
i'm allowed to love who i want
and be with him if i want to
i do not need permission from you
or from anyone
i love him
and you may not think so
but he's my only reason for living
so thank you
but i do not need your opinion
i shouldn't have told you in the first place
now i'm just going to learn to keep my mouth shut around you
i'm sorry
but i'm so tired of getting hurt

i waited
and waited
and waited
for you
to show up
and hold me again
like you did
back then
and it took time
but you came back
and you kissed
my lips
and put your
hands on my hips
and said you loved me
again
i waited
so very long
to hear that
flow out of your mouth
once more
i thought i would
never have that gift again
but i did
patience was never
a strong trait of mine
but i waited
and waited
and now you're mine

we tried this once before
actually twice
we ended up breaking up both times
i wasn't good at a relationship
you were my first
and i never dated anyone since
i was too clingy
and wanted attention
i was too annoying
so we settled for friendship
but you are too irresistible
and i guess i am too
because it didn't take you that long
to be stuck like glue
i know i failed the first time
and the second time again
but i promise this time you won't regret this
because i know what i did wrong now
and i won't make a mistake
so i hope we will work
because if we don't
why does the universe keep pulling us together?
why do we keep saying i love you?
why can't we seem to stay away?
I'll break

the only thing i can think is
"am i dreaming?"
your lips on mine
your hands on my hips
the look in your eyes
you holding my hand
holding me close
wearing your sweatshirt that's too big for me
you saying i look lovely
your hands trailing down down down
and lighting a passionate fire inside of me
this can't be real

have you ever wondered what you look like from a lover's point of view
think about it
think about the way you feel when you see them
your heart warms with the sunshine inside
you automatically smile and can't seem to stop
you see all the things you love about them gathered together into such an amazing person
you're filled to the brim with undying love
and when you see them
you just want to run into their arms and stay there
and kiss their lips
and you talk and talk and talk
just to hear their voice
and you're so ******* happy
you could cry
don't you think they feel the same way?
when they see you walking towards them
off in your own world
and they see beauty radiating from your body
and all they feel is love love love
and when you see them and smile
they just have to smile back
and when you hug
they just want to stay there a little longer like you do
and they just feel the same undying love for you
but you feel like they're not feeling this way
so you think you're not good enough
or you're scared they will leave you
but they love you so ******* much
they would die to save you
would it be too crazy to believe they feel the same way?
would it be too crazy to believe they want you forever?
would it be too crazy?

i deleted all the poems about loving you
or made them about someone else
and i know i shouldn't do that
but they made me sick to the stomach
to see them existing
and you'll never know the way you hurt me
i'm sorry i was ever in your life in the first place
but i had to leave

call me "lovely"
and tell me you want to love my mess
bring me flowers
and kiss my lips
hold me for eternity
and never let go
stay with me forever
and call me yours

lately i've been wanting someone
to just punch me
hit me across the face as hard as they possibly can
make me bleed
make me bruise
make me hurt
don't ask why
i don't really know
but i think it's because i want to numb the pain inside me
with something like that
and if someone else is doing it
then it's not self harm right?

looking back over my poems
and seeing mistakes i've made in them
sorry
but my mind had been gone for awhile
and i'm honestly surprised to see how many times
i added in words that weren't supposed to be there
i didn't even realize
which shows my mind keeps running off
and it's not staying in the place it needs to be
this is what my pain does to me

you told me
"you mean so much to me"
and my heart smiled

i want to write things on cigarettes
the things that are hurting me
so they burn slowly away
and after i breathe them in
i can breathe them back out
and i can watch the smoke fade away
with all the pain

in the face of danger
the only thing i think about is you
and what i never say to you
and how i should say them
i love you so much
and
and i want you for the rest of my life
but you already know that, don't you?

i'm always so scared of ruining everything
i think i just need to keep my mouth shut

sitting in the nurse's office to avoid class
my head hurts from thinking too much
leaves running after each other outside the window
why can't i be that free?
i just ruined another thing
got yelled at by a friend
accused of something i didn't do
but my protesting didn't work
the leaves are still falling
they're scattered on the ground
scattered like raindrops from my eyes
the road up to the school is painted with leaves
the cracks in the pavement are just the scars the world bears
can't you see the cracks in me?
now i'm afraid to touch everything i see
afraid to ruin another thing
i'll just leave

this is where i feel rebellious and free
no pain
no feelings
just focusing on the feeling
of my feet hitting the ground
and knowing i'm really not supposed to do this
smiling and laughing
losing my breath
i always do this at least once a year
it's my tradition
running through the hallways at school
i'm free
teachers are teaching
the hallways are empty
and i'm just running

it's actually pretty simple
i'm too scared to feel
i've only loved one other person in my life
and i was broken
you see
i thought he was the one
i thought it was going to be him
and my heart shattered
when i realized it wasn't
maybe it is
maybe we just needed a break
maybe we're really meant to be
why would we be so close still if it wasn't
i'm still holding on to him
that's number one
but number two is that i'm scared
too scared to open up
too scared to let anyone know me
too scared to feel
too scared they won't like something
and then leave me
you know exactly what i mean
there's probably more reasons i don't know about
it's whatever
it doesn't matter

i should have never approached you
because once i learned about you
and who you were
i was jealous
and it's not that hard to know
that i'm not as good enough as you are
everyone keeps telling me that you like me
and that you wanted to ask me to homecoming
but i can't believe that
why would you want me?
maybe it's that i don't want you
maybe that's the truth
yes, i've been avoiding you
but i'm doing this for myself
i can't put myself down because of you
isn't that what i should do?
i have to make myself happy
not you
i'm sorry but that's how it needs to be right now
i can't feel love at all
except for him
and i'm not going to apologize for that
i can love who i love
and it doesn't mean i can't love you
but i just can't feel at all right now
for anyone else
and to be honest
i'm too scared to

You held me and told me
that people are confused
because they do not know if we're together or not
And you also said you were confused
But I couldn't tell you that I wanted to be together
I don't think you would want me

"You get to exhale now.
You get to be more you than you have been in a very long time."

I'm scared no one will ever love me the way I love you
I'm scared I won't be able to love someone the way I love you
I'm scared

It's 6:00
Time to let myself down again

You know the feeling
when you're laughing so hard
you can't breathe
and your stomach hurts
and there's tears in your eyes?
I haven't felt that in the longest time.
Sure
I've laughed and had fun
But never like that
Not anymore

I know it hurts
It hurts
It hurts
But there's still hope left
I know you can't see it
But it's there
It's there
It's there
Just keep breathing, love.
I know your lungs hurt from all this extra work
But they're still working
Keep breathing
Keep breathing
I know you're in so much pain
I know you don't want to see another day
But the sun is waiting to see you each morning
And someone really cares about you
Even if it doesn't feel like it
They care
They care
They care
I know you just want to sleep
And stay there as long as possible
But you still have to get up
That's just the way it is

You know all my dark secrets
And you still stick around
That means so much to me
Because I'm always scared someone will leave me
when they find out all the terrible parts of me
But you stayed
You're still here
And so I just wanted to say thank you

Looking back
You were the first person I actually left
When I said I was going to leave you
And that's probably because we weren't that close
Now it's like we never talked

All I know is
through all this agonizing pain
You look at me
with good intentions
You care about me so much
And you're a good friend
My best friend

All I know is
through all this agonizing pain
the smell of you emanating from your sweatshirt I'm wearing
calms me like a cigarette would calm an addict
I'm like a person who relishes drugs
Except you're my drug
And you won't end up killing me

All I know is
through all this agonizing pain
your hugs pull all my broken pieces back together
and although I just end up falling apart again
You're always there to help me

All I know is
through all this agonizing pain
I love you
And just the sound of your voice
your smell
your touch
anything about you
heals me
And you don't even know that
do you?

I started crying in the middle of class
Tears secretly flowing from my eyes
A river hidden from the world
Tears in a sea full of laughing people
Tears falling from my face
Not bothering to wipe them away
I'm sorry
But when something is too full, it overflows
I just couldn't hold it anymore
The funny thing is
I don't even know why I'm crying
It just kind of happened
Is anyone even noticing?
No
That's fine
I don't even want to be here
I would much rather be in your arms
Everyone just needs to leave me alone
All I know is I've been in pain for a week straight
And the pain tried to escape from my eyes
Even my pain doesn't want to be associated with me
I do not blame it
I'm just surprised that the tears fell in the middle of a classroom
And it doesn't help that I really didn't give a ****
I just let it happen
I sat as the warm raindrops streamed down my face
and dropped onto my shirt
I'm okay
This is just the pain trying to escape