I love you
You kept kissing me this morning
My neck, my cheek, my head
But not my lips
Not yet
You say we're just friends
And we are
But with benefits
Is that crazy?
I shouldn't do that, right?
Well, I'm sorry
But you're the only person I can feel love for
I'm stuck
I never understood that before
Being stuck in love
But now I know
I'm stuck in love
I'm actually and literally stuck
I can't feel love for anyone else
But I'm content
I'm okay where I am at
I have your number again
And I can call you again
And I asked you to go to homecoming with me
And you said you didn't plan on going
But you'd consider it for me
You held me all this morning
And told me you could fall asleep right there
I could too
And you told me you wanted to go home and sleep
And I made a joke and asked, "Can I join?"
And you said, "Yes, but we won't be sleeping."
You make those jokes all the time
But it doesn't bother me
I feel like you still want me
Am I wrong?
We're taking it slow, I guess.
Maybe it will progress into something more
Who knows?
But you're the only one I can love right now
So please don't leave me lonely.
I love you.

Everyone around me has someone loving them
and there's no one there for me
But even if there was
What good would it be?
I can't feel love right now
Someone broke me
and stole that part of me
and I want it back
I want to be able to love again

I'll paint my room yellow
and make it bright
so maybe it will restore my light
So maybe I can feel like the sun again

There is literal glass in my hands
It hurts to do the things my hands are supposed to do
and if that doesn't desrcibe the way my heart feels
I don't know what does

I apologize that I have been absent
My mind has been running away from me
and I keep losing it
I've been chasing it this whole time
I cannot lose myself again
I'm sorry

I apologize that I have been absent
My lungs have been full of aching sadness
and it's hard to breathe
I've been taking deeper breaths
I cannot let myself drown again
I'm sorry

I apologize that I have been absent
My body is too weak to move
and I don't know where I am half the time
I've been trying to connect with it
I cannot let myself slow down again
I'm sorry

I apologize that I have been absent
My demons decided to hit me hard
and hid away the part of me that loves
I've been trying to find my feelings
I cannot view the world feeling nothing again
I'm sorry

But in the end
I shouldn't have to apologize for any of this
I'm trying to be okay again
I don't owe anyone anything

All I want is to be called "lovely"
from someone that sincerely cares

In the end,
I'm still alone.

No, no, no
I'm supposed to be a ray of light
for everyone around me
I'm supposed to make people happy
No
There's supposed to be sunshine flowing within me
And flowers in my hair
No
There is supposed to be yellow spilling from my veins
A happy color
No
There's supposed to be a smile on my face
all the time
No
I'm supposed to feel good
and be free
No
I'm supposed feel love
for everything in life
No
No
No
I cannot let my light die
I cannot let the sun set inside of me
I cannot see darkness
I cannot frown and put on a fake smile
I cannot feel sad
I cannot feel nothing for everything
NO
Just leave me alone
I cannot let myself drown again
I cannot give up on myself
I cannot lose myself again
Stop
Just leave
You are not allowed here in this body

I smiled like I always do
But it didn't feel real
I couldn't feel the passion of happiness behind it
I couldn't feel anything
Not a thing

Nature used to make me happy
I was sitting there in the grass
The sun shining on me
Making my skin warm and my hair shine
I watched insects make circles around plants
and I watched a baby mouse run through the yard
When do you get to see that?
A baby mouse in the yard the same time you're there
That's the kind of thing that make me happy
The little things like that
And I love the sun
The sun is my best friend
It's inside me
I think the sun is burning out
That is so unfathomable, right?
The sun burning out
Well, now you know what it's like to be me
The word "depression" was banned from this dictionary long ago
I replaced it with happiness
But I think someone is trying to put it in again
I used to feel at peace with myself
when I'm sitting in a place like that
And I was
I was at peace
But this time there was a bit of pain hidden underneath
I could feel it
Where did it come from?
It's not supposed to be this way
I can't go through this again
I don't know what's wrong
I don't think I'm strong enough to fight this right now
Oh God help me

You keep pulling me in
You tilted my chin up with your hand
And said, "Look this face,
I couldn't hit her if I wanted to."

So please
Please fall in love with me
'Cause I'm in enough pain as it is
And it's not getting better

You always leave me feeling blue
But I love you too much and I'm stuck like glue
And I follow you and annoy you to death
to be close to you

I'm drowning in this ocean
I'm just going through the motions
Baby, it's too much to handle
Too much to handle
Be with me

And I would go through the worst pain
Just so that I could feel your love again
But I guess it doesn't work
'Cause I'm still going through that

You say, "Just keep your chin up."
But I guess I'm out of luck
How can I be okay
when you look at me like you want me?

And I wish you would try again
But you'd probably rather die than to take that chance
But I would like you to love me

I don't know why the universe
or God
or whoever
keeps bringing you so close to me
to the point
I think you may love me
But whoever it is
keeps doing it
And I'm a fool
Because I'm still going to get my hopes up
But I really don't care if you hurt me anymore

You told me today that you like being close to me
and I don't think you know how much that makes me happy

Today you were different
For some reason
you changed
I don't know if it's because I was interested in someone else
and you noticed I didn't want you
(Which is wrong, I still want you)
But today you kept holding me
and any time someone accidentally hurt me
or said something mean
or anything like that
You were very protective
And told them you really care about me
and told them to apologize
I don't know..
You're just so different
We always put our arms over each others shoulders when we're walking in the hallways together
But today you nestled into me
like we were dating
And kept pulling me really close
Then you hugged me and nestled your head into my neck
and it seemed like you kissed my skin right there
But I might have just been dreaming
And you walked me to my bus like always
and before you left
you kissed my forehead
And my heart dropped
Since when do you do that?
I thought we were just friends
I thought we were never getting back together
At least that's what you said
You're different
You've changed
But if this is how you're going to be
I hope this never changes

I am disappointed that I cannot fall in love
I never thought this would happen
And I realized that it has just now
My ability to fall in love is gone
It has disappeared for anyone else but you
I tied my heart to you
And I think it's very clear that neither of us has cut it
And I don't think neither of us wants to
I am not upset about that
You are my best friend
and if I can still be that
without ever loving someone again
I can handle that
Maybe perhaps I want that
You were the one
Maybe I wasn't the one for you
But you were always the one for me
I don't want to change that
I don't want to leave
Staying your friend
and not leaving you behind after you hurt me
was the best decision of my life
You mean so much to me
And in my mind
we're still meant to be
Call me pathetic
I don't really care
Because being in your presence is all I need in life
And I don't really care if no one ever loves me again
As long as you're with me
Everyone else is just a distraction
At least it avoids being heartbroken again

I am ashamed
that I was so eager to love you
That I was so eager for your love
I barely knew you
You were a distraction
Just a distraction
I'm sorry
But I'm in love with someone else
who will never love me back again
But I'm very content with where I am
And you may never understand that
And that's okay
You don't need to understand
You're not me
I'm sorry
You were just a distraction

I always steal your sweatshirt
Because it smells like you
And you are my favorite smell
I always look for you in the hallways and everywhere I go
Because when I see you, you make me feel better
And you are my favorite sight
I always dream of kissing you again
Because your lips were so soft and sweet
And you are my favorite taste
I always poke you and hug you and touch you any way I can
Because your touch makes me feel safe
And you are my favorite thing to touch
I can pick out your voice out of a whole crowd of people
Or with my eyes closed
Because your voice also makes me feel safe
And you are my favorite sound
You are my favorite person
You are my favorite everything
My best friend
I love you

Today I am sad
Today I am giving up on you
Today I'm going to leave
Because I realized I'm still in love with someone else
And he likes you
And the jealousy that burns inside of me
makes me not want to be near you
I'm sorry
But I have to go
I hope you understand

She had rose petals in her hands
A grey dress
Her hair in pigtails
Like a little kid
That's how she felt inside
Like a little 7-year-old
In love with everything in the world
Her smile lit up a room
She probably would have danced if she could too
The way she laughed at the little things
and just had to hug everyone she knew
She would probably be the flower girl at this wedding
and she would be honored to be in such a place
Flowers are her most favorite thing
Mostly because she is one herself
The way she grows and blooms
Even through all the rain
and the thunderstorms
And she's such a beautiful sight too
Despite the ups and downs
She still thrives
I do not know how she does such a thing
With so much pain clinging to her
It's amazing
The way she survives
She gets hurt easily
Only because she gets her hopes up about everything
Always tries to see the positive side of things
But sometimes the world just shatters her
The moment her dreams are crushed
and her happiness dampened
She hurts
And unfortunately this happens a lot
But she still pushes through
And I honestly do not know how she does this
Because the pain drags her down so easily
But she's a warrior
A fighter
She's stronger than you think
And I love her

I look at myself the way a lover would look at someone they love
even through all this pain
Go ahead and call me cocky
But when there's no one around to make me feel loved
I kind of have to do it myself
And I don't have to be sorry about that
Today you put me down
But one of my biggest accomplishments
is loving myself through that
I'm still beautiful
That never changed
And I did not ask for your opinion in the first place
So thanks for helping me find myself again
I lost myself
and I found myself
And that, I think, is why I'm beautiful

I'm a mess
A big ******* mess
There is so much debris scattered around me
from the countless thunderstorms that have rattled my bones
and shattered my heart to nothing
I'm sorry it's not all cleaned up yet
But I'll try to make it look decent for you
I'll try to clean it up
And put the bad thoughts in boxes and send them away
I'll try to depart with my demons
But it's hard
Very hard
I'll try to send away the people that just bring their debris and dump it around me
So I won't have to deal with everybody else's problems too
I'll try to clear up my head
And I'll try to forget about this mess
But it's right here
And it's not going away
At least for the time being
And I can change
And I can put on a pretty face
And I can play my part in this love game
But sometimes
All I really want
Is for someone to wrap their arms around my broken body
and tell me
"I want to love your mess."

I've been trying to avoid you
to avoid getting hurt
but I can't stay away
even if I'm in pain

I'm okay
Don't worry about me
I'm just sitting in the hallway like the loner I am
Hoping someone will notice me
But not you
You won't help
Please don't come and try to save me
It's not worth the pain
I know you really don't want me
Everyone just looks at me like I'm nothing
But at least that guy that just walked past made me laugh
I'm okay
Please don't try to save me

I was up until almost 4 am last night
thinking about you
and you will never know that
I can't keep my mind off of you
If we're being honest here,
I wish I never approached you
I wouldn't be hurting the way I do now
I'm not good at making friends
So I'm going to need you to make the first move
to get to know each other
Because I won't
That's not me
I wish you could just magically already know someone
But you can't
And that's why I don't have too many close friends
Once I know you
I can be completely myself and it's so easy
But the beginning phases of friendship are just too much
for me to handle
And I shouldn't have approached you
Because I put myself down because of it
I feel like I'm not good enough standing next to you
And that's the truth
I feel like nothing when I'm around you
I'm sorry
It's really not your fault
It's mine for being so insecure
and for approaching you in the first place
If you don't want to know me
just tell me
Because it hurts less than to wonder if you do

If I showed you all my dark secrets
would you still be interested in me?
If I opened up my past to you
would you run and hide?
Because if you will
I don't want to tell you
all the things I keep inside.
So if you think you won't run
then keep on reading
If you really want to know me
then let me show you the dark side of me

Like this
There was one point of my life
Just last year
I wanted to die
and no one would believe me because I look so happy all the time
But it's surely not the truth
I was almost hospitalized
for wanting to not be alive
Because a teacher saw that I was sad
Took me to guidance
and asked if I thought my life was bad
Yes
Yes, I do.
"Do you hurt yourself?"
Yes
I had to pull up my sleeves and show her
How convenient it was that I was sad the night before
and cut up my arms to the point you couldn't see much skin anymore
All you could see was red lines
I'm sorry the images have to play in your mind
They told me I needed therapy
But I never went
I was almost locked away
for being in pain
But I wasn't
I tried killing myself just a couple months before that
No one will ever know
I promise you I'm okay now
I've healed a lot
and I'm not in very much pain anymore
I know it's a very dark thing to hide
and trust me, I'm not proud

And there's this
the reason I don't actually have a phone
I tell everyone it's because I just don't want one
but that's not the truth
I talked to strangers online and told them I wanted to run away
and I told of my hurt and pain
Yes, I told a lot of personal things to people I didn't know
I admit, that was stupid.
But I guess I have to let it show
Thinking back on this
I have to say, I'm ashamed and embarrassed
I lost the trust of my parents
and that's why I can't have a phone
But I've changed
I don't do that anymore the way I used to
and now I may get a phone for my birthday

I failed a class
and I know that doesn't sound too bad
but it is to me
Because I was always a good student
and got good grades
But my mind was in a bad place
and I couldn't focus on the important tasks at hand
So now, I have to take 9th grade history again.
But I'm doing okay.

Those things are the ones that stand out most to me
My dark secrets
I'm not proud
How could I be?
I ruined my life over and over.
And now I'm scared these will be the reasons you won't like me

You told me today that I better not **** myself
Because you'd come to wherever I am and stop me
I don't want to die
I just don't want to be alive
That doesn't make sense
to no one who has ever felt this
I used to hurt myself
Millions of scars up and down my arms
I'm glad you never had to see that
That's all gone and in the past
So you don't have to worry about that
I don't want to do that to myself anymore
I won't hurt myself
I won't **** myself
Don't worry
I don't want to die
I just don't want to be alive
And what I mean by that is I don't want to be 6 feet under
I don't want to take my last breath
I don't want to give up any hope of a good future
I just don't want to be alive
I don't want to have to socialize
or pretend I'm alright
I'm in pain
And I don't want to hide
I don't want to be alive
Don't worry, this only happens sometimes
I'm fine

Maybe I was too eager
Maybe I tried to rush this
Maybe I wanted to go too fast
Maybe I'm not good enough
Maybe no one can really love me
Maybe you don't want me
Maybe the universe hates me
Maybe I'll never be with someone that makes me happy
Maybe nothing will make me feel good again
Maybe I'm broken
Maybe I'm tired
Maybe I don't want to live in this particular moment in life
Maybe you don't even care that I'm hurting
Maybe I'm done
Maybe I'm giving up
Yeah...maybe I'm giving up

I used to think I could control the weather
What I felt inside always matched what was happening outside
When I was happy, the sun shined bright and the warmth wrapped around everything in it's path
When I was sad, it was cold and it rained.
But it's more than just that.
When something was tearing me apart, it rained harder.
When I wanted to scream and cry and not be alive, it rained so hard, it flooded everything
Lightning shot through the sky and the thunder shook the ground
I'm sorry in advance for the storms I may feel
I can't help it
I didn't ask for this superpower
It was just given to me
And I try to keep it all inside
to keep the sun shining
But sometimes I just break
And I'm sorry in advance for all the damages that may take place
I didn't ask for this superpower

I sleep constantly now, whenever I can.
I try to run away from reality in my dreams.
To be awake in my life right now *****
You didn't call again
And how do you think that makes me feel?
I'm not good enough.
I don't know why.
I thought I was.
So feeling all this pain or sleep?
Yeah
I'm going to have to go with sleep.

I keep hoping you'll come after me
And ask if I'm okay
But you don't care
You just don't care
No one does
And that's just how it is
I thought you wanted me
I thought you were interested
But I guess not
No one ever wants me

I keep hoping that you'll see that I was crying
But like anyone really cares
Especially you

There is pain branded into my heart
It hasn't gone away
I can look the other way and pretend it's okay
But sometimes I cannot keep it at bay
I am in pain
And there's no poetic way to say
sometimes it hurts to be alive
No metaphor can describe exactly how it feels
You can try
But it won't work, it won't heal what you feel inside
But I'm alright
I've been friends with my demons since day one
and do you think that's going to change? No.
Because I don't leave my friends the way you do.
I'm sorry, but that's the truth.
And I'm not ready to depart with them yet.
They're the only ones that have stayed in the end

Go ahead and break me
I don't care
Go ahead and hurt me
I don't care
Because I'm so used to the pain
And things not going my way
The universe is not on my side
The odds are not in my favor
Never has been
Never will
It's just the way my life goes
So, please, just hurt me
Because at least you'll be happy after
That's all I've ever wanted
For you to be happy
And that won't be with me
So just go ahead and leave
I don't care

I now understand why Taylor Swift wrote so many songs about break ups
Because when you're in that moment
It's the only thing you can focus on
The hurt, the pain, the agony
It inspires you in a way
Because when you're sitting there
Trying not to cry
And so much pain flowing through your veins
It overtakes your system
It's the only thing you can think of
And I'm sitting here in guitar class
with tears metaphorically dropping on my guitar
But I won't actually cry because
it wouldn't help a thing

A hopeless romantic
afraid of love.
How can this be?

You called me your girlfriend and held my hand
You lifted up my spirit and healed a broken piece of me
Then you say we're not together
I knew it all just happened so easily
Why would someone like you want me?
Trust me, I'm fine.
Everyone leaves
Why did I think you could be different?
Maybe I'm being dramatic
But my heart breaks so easily
like glass
And that's why I don't open up so easily
I honestly don't feel like being shattered again
I just put all my pieces back together
Just a few days ago
I was put back together again
and you know what?
I did it.
Me
No one else was around to help
And then you showed up
I was hoping that I wouldn't have to do it alone anymore
I know we just met
But I get my hopes up so easily
And I thought you'd be the one to save me
Why do you think I approached you?
I don't usually do that kind of thing
But it's fine.
I don't mind.
I just have to get used to being hurt again
by everyone in my life
I should just give up on love
Love *****
And I just have to pretend like I'm okay, right?
I've been told that my fake smiles look so real
I can lie
And pretend I'm fine
Because that's what I'm used to
I don't let anyone see me
The real me
Because they have the ability to hurt me
And almost everyone I let know me had the audacity
to use that against me
I destroy myself when I'm hurt
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't freaking breathe
And I'm a crybaby
I cry about everything
Everything I feel goes straight to my heart
and shatters it
And why would you be interested in that?
Exactly.
I'll just have to change my heart into shatter-proof glass
So just lie and say you're alright
Lie and say you're alright
Lie and say you're alright
Lie and -
I'm alright!

I would show you my poems
But I'm too afraid you won't like what I have to say about you
But I guess that's just another reason to let you read them

I know I approached you
And asked you to be mine
And you gladly said yes
Which means I should be fine

But my insecurities rise like smoke
And I fear I won't be good enough
I know that it seems like I have it all together
But darling, I'm really not so tough

I have never been more afraid in my life
How can a girl so beautiful want someone like this?
So full of anxiety and not-so-perfect imperfections
Honey, please help me, I don't want to fall into this abyss

What am I supposed to do about this feeling?
Should I tell you how I feel or should I bury it?
I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid. There's no changing that.
But I just want the fear to ease at least a little bit

I'm scared of love
I'm scared of pain
I'm scared of hurt
I think I'm going insane

Help

I want to write a special poem just for you.
To tell you how you make me feel.
But I don't think I could find the right words to describe exactly what is going on in my heart.

I could say you make my heart skip a beat, but no, that's not the truth
You make my heart stop and you revive it over and over again
I could say I see stars when I look into your eyes, but no, that's not the truth
I see whole galaxies and I know there's so many worlds inside you wanting to break free
I could say that you give me butterflies, but no, that's not the truth
There's not just a few, there's a whole lepidopterarium full
I could say you're as beautiful as a rose, but no, that's not the truth
Your beauty is out-of-this-world, unfathomable, no words are good enough to describe it
I could tell you you're worth more than gold, but no, that's not the truth
Your worth surpasses all earthly things
I could go on and on telling you these things that make my heart stop and my stomach fill with butterflies
But even this poem isn't good enough to show you exactly how I feel

Darling, I've never seen someone as beautiful as you.