i want to walk down the school hallway smoking a cigarette
i want to have shards of glass protruding from my heart
i want ****** knuckles from fighting my demons
i want broken bones to prove the fights i've won
i want you to see the pain you put me in
i'll wear chains around my neck to prove i'm tough
and i won't say one word to you

so i heard from my friend
that the only reason you were with me
is so i would leave you alone
once you broke up with me
you want to be left alone?
fine
you'll never see me again
you'll forget i even existed
so much for trying to be friends

i want ****** knuckles
and a black eye
i want bruises displayed on my body
like artifacts
each one with their own story
i want broken bones
and torn up clothes
i want to be in so much pain
people will wonder how i'm still breathing
you see
anything i feel goes straight to my heart
and i'm always in pain emotionally
but not physically
i can't feel anything
when i'm hurt physically
so hurt me as much as you can
put me in a hospital if you need to
just anything to feel again

the pain has grown
and i can't feel nothing
my body's aching
i'm tired of being so exhausted
my eyes are closing
and my heart is broken
i'll keep on breathing
i know that i am nothing to you now
i'm scared i might just give up on myself
there must be something wrong with me
because everyone decides to leave
and if someone could just hold me
i wouldn't be here suffocating

i like to work or stay up
until i'm so tired
just so i don't feel any pain at night
i'm trying to hammer my problems away
i'm doing so much heavy-lifting
my muscles ache
my hair's been drenched for two days straight
standing in the rain
fingers numb from the cold
sitting on the cold, wet ground
why can't i be someone you want to hold?
why can't i be loved?
my bones are broken
the weight of my loneliness crushed me
and now i can't move
tell me
what am i supposed to do?
how can i start building
if i can't move my body?
how am i supposed to feel okay
when no one wants me?
tell me

i wonder if you still think of me
as i still think of you
we haven't seen each other in a few months
haven't touched each other
haven't looked at each other
haven't talked to each other
i wonder if you remember
any of the unique little things about me
like how i love gas stations
or how i think bumblebees are cute
and how i love the way bruises look
i wonder if you remember the simple things
like my favorite color
or the type of music i like
i sure remember those things about you
maybe i wasn't important or good enough
for you to remember those things
you thought i was weird
but i take that as a compliment
why would i ever want to be with someone
who couldn't handle my weirdness?
we are complete opposites
and yes, it's true
that opposites attract
we saw that from the very beginning
but our relationship was bipolar
a disorder of sorts
at first, we were alright
the magnets inside us were strong
we attracted so well
then we would repel
we had our ups and downs
we would be fine one minute
and fighting the next
it became manic
our love's mental health deteriorated
and the disorder kicked in
in that moment, we were already gone
we would have never survived
the disorder grew
the attractiveness gone
our relationship died
committed suicide
and our love for each other with it

please
someone help me to feel again
i haven't felt a thing in 3 ******* weeks

i sit on the bus alone on the way to school
i have people i talk to
but the same thing always happens
i'm left standing on the sidelines
watching, listening
no one speaks to me
no one sees me
i don't even want to be there anyway
i'm fine
i just haven't found where i belong yet
i'm lost
i sit in my classes alone
i speak to no one
all my friends have someone better
and i'm left alone
i ask to work by myself on group projects
because my anxiety won't let me talk to new people
i feel like i'll always say the wrong thing
and most of the time, i do
i sit alone at lunch most of the time
sometimes outside in the cold
sometimes in the hallways
people walk past
but they never say anything
i promised myself to stop making new friends
i started talking to someone
and a week later i hurt them
just by being me
just by existing
so yeah
i'm lonely
and you can't fix me

you'll eventually find someone better than me
and then you will move on
and slowly stop talking
and you'll drift away
and i'll never see you again
it's just the way it goes
everyone always finds a reason to leave
always

before i told you goodbye earlier,
i almost added "love you"
like we have been together for awhile
and i don't know what has gotten into me
but it's confusing
i almost typed those words
like it was just a natural thing to do
and i'm sorry, honey,
but i shouldn't let myself fall for you

i woke up
and decided i didn't want to go to school today
i need a break
from everyone, and especially him
i do not need to see his face

so i made myself my favorite herbal tea
called Sleepytime
add two and a half spoonfuls of sugar
not three, three's too much and two is not enough
also you need to add a lot of honey
thank you

i'm sitting here in my new yellow room
with my new wildflower bedsheets
and the star-shaped glitter in my lava lamp
reminds me of the way i want to shine
and i immediately though of dance
and how i could prove to people i'm more

every drink i take
fills me with peace
and i close my eyes
just to take it in
i don't get too many moments like this

the orange coffee cup
reminds me of you
you said you liked the color orange
and how come i now like it too?
i think i'm falling for you
if that's wrong, please tell me
i don't want to make you unhappy

in this moment, i felt happy
i actually feel something again
and darling, it's because of you

i used to go to school just to see you
i used to wake up on the days i felt sick and still go
i felt like i couldn't stay home
i was afraid you'd be mad at me
if i didn't show
why was i so afraid?
i honestly can't say
i'm not sure why i let you hold me down
and chain me up
and not let me leave
but you trapped me
but you finally set me free
so i'm staying home today
and i do not feel afraid
i don't owe you anything anymore
and you no longer own me

i love you

i can feel it, darling
****
my heart wants you
there's no stopping now
i only fall from here

i want you to hold me
and love me
and take care of me
but life always needs to be in the way
but darling, for you, i would fight until my last breath
it's the truth
why?
why would i love you?
i don't know a lot about you
but the things i do know
fit the type of person i've always wanted to marry
and i'm not exactly saying i want to marry you
but i am saying that you may think i'll run
because of the way your life is
but i'm a very strong person
so hit me
if i ever fall for you
then it will be hard to get rid of me
ask anyone who knows me
they will tell you that exact thing
nothing about you
will make me want to run
and i know we'll only ever be a dream
but i'm just telling you
that if i love you
i will love you forever
and i just had to let it out

i'm afraid of annoying you
because he used to tell me i was annoying
i'm afraid to hear what you have to say about me
because he used to call me names and not the good kind
i'm afraid no one will ever love me
because he used to tell me he hated me
i'm afraid to be with you
because he used to pretend i didn't exist
i'm afraid to get close to you
because he used to flirt with other girls right in front of me
i'm afraid i'm not good enough
because he used to call me fat and called other girls pretty
i'm afraid i'm not really worth it
because he used to tell me he only wanted my body and not all of me
i'm afraid of feeling your touch
because he used to do things to me i didn't want
i'm afraid of loving you
because apparently my love was never enough for him
and what if i can't love you the way you want me to?

sitting outside by the bonfire
hands cold from the weather
church bells in the distance
the smell of smoke in the air
wearing a birthday crown meant for a 3-year-old
goodbye my lover
goodbye my friend
you have been the one for me
James Blunt playing in the background
and my heart breaks a little
honey, you were the one for me
at least i thought so
and now you're gone
who is going to be there for me now?
i'm so hollow, baby
i'm so hollow
i'm so alone
and the fire is not enough to give me the warmth i need
someone come here and save me

i wonder if you have any idea that these poems are about you
i wonder what you would think if you knew
but, at the same time, i'm too scared to know

i used to look in the mirror
and think i was the cutest thing in the world
but now i cant even stand to look anymore

we're both so very lonely
so let's just lay here together
under the stars
and talk about all the things
that are ****** up in this world
like the way we're both lonely

please hold me
and let me fall asleep in your arms

am i someone
you could possibly love?

i hold in my emotions
this is who i am
i hold them all in
until it's impossible not to cry
i think that's why i'm so angry all the time
at everyone and everything
it's more like i'm mad at myself
for holding it all in
and not letting it out
and when i cry
i cry hard
a whole ocean flows out of me
mixing with the water in the shower
it hurts so much
i cannot stand
and i fall to my knees
surrendering to the pain
my whole body shakes
from the earthquake inside of my heart
something shifts
and the whole thing explodes
and i'm left picking my own self up off the floor
no one else is around
my heart is a ghost town
no one comes in
no one comes out
i'm stuck here
and it's the same cycle
over and over again
people hurt me
and i just hold it in
until the dam breaks inside of me again
and this hurricane destroys me
and who would want to love a storm?

"i don't feel anything for you."
that's what you said to me
you were scared i was going to hate you
but i don't feel anything in my life right now
not one thing
i haven't felt a vivid emotion in weeks
i feel nothing
but i felt everything for you

i knew it
it happened
you broke up with me
just now
i was waiting for it for awhile
and let me say,
i'm so relieved
i'm ******* free
i have felt so trapped for so long in your embrace
wishing for someone else
wishing for a better relationship
wishing for someone to treat me right
and now i'm free
free at last
thank you
i was too scared to do it myself
oh **** i'm free

i'm just sitting here
waiting for you to leave
waiting for you to remember why you left the first time
waiting for you to break my heart
i'm sitting here
my feet propped up
smoking a cigarette
in a daze
sitting here in a rocking chair
rocking back and forth
between loving you
and realizing i should do better
smoke dancing with the chill in the air
my heart beating slowly
the clock is ticking
and i'm waiting for the battery to just give up
waiting for the end of us

do you even want to be with me?
do you even care?
it seems like you are hiding so many things
so many secrets locked away
and you won't let them out
i don't keep any secrets from you
so why do you make me question us?
i don't even know anymore
i'm just waiting
waiting
waiting
just waiting
for something bad to happen

falling asleep in the bathtub
soaking in hot water
the warmth slowing down the bad thoughts
the comfort of floating
dreaming
of
you
waking up slowly
liking the danger of possibly drowning
freezing the thoughts
with the cold water
it numbs the pain inside
i'm better
just trust me
i'm so much better

i just met you
and even you don't want to talk to me