Today
I almost caved
From the moment I woke up
I knew I wanted to talk to you
no clue what would of been said
but i wanted to see you in our game again

Struggling with the temptation
i typed out an email
I hope you're okay
almost hitting send I felt something in my heart
how disappointed I will be in myself
for relapsing
because that's what we were
a drug

Closing out the screen
i felt further from you than before
a little bit more healed
the illusion of you
fading

Maybe you aren't okay
and that's your fault

I've learned
cheating probably turns you on
you know its wrong
yet you do it for
the small satisfaction
that maybe you can get away with such betrayal
because you've seen it pulled off before
accompanying denial
mom stayed
hidden behind what you're supposed to be
faithful
To get the fix
on what your childhood eyes
taught you was normal
it comes with your program

The closer I become
safer I feel
to my someone new
the more your face shows in my brain
Could it be that I can feel you missing me
its like you're taunting me
every time i leave him

Showing up to remind me
what happened
don't make the same mistake twice
I can hear
it was your fault
maybe it was
maybe it's best to keep my distance

For years you had me as your pawn
why is it wrong for me to want to feel the love of someone
pure?
he may not be
the chances fear me.

You made me scared.

My own fingers going up and down my skin
while I map out every inch
of my body that i don't like
Other women begin to roll through my mind
like a slideshow
which leads me to think
why cant I look like them?

Before I would have been the girl
who lets these thought control her
skipping the next meal
but today I know I am not that girl
because I look like me
and I am beautiful
with all the scars

Random flash backs take over my mind
and the pit in my chest comes back
why did the moon bring us at the same place
at the same time

I know it wont be the last time
my only hope is
next time i'll feel stronger

Maybe you could see that on me
a strong surface
avoiding your pressence
but inside
a part still aches for you

So why
do I feel sorry that you had to see me
with someone else
Why
do I want to call to make sure you're okay

Maybe because we both know
that this was the moment
when you realize
you've lost me

I'd like to think of myself as
a confident woman
I've worked hard to get there
fighting through the pressures of society
talking myself out of the negative
thoughts of my appearance
It took me a long time
to look in the mirror
and be able to walk away
satisfied
sometimes I'm not
but, that's okay.

If all the women in the world
could see themselves for the beauty
we are born with in our bones
and we used this to our strengths
to stop the evil from tearing us down
men like you
would never stand a chance

So I hope for all the women who are convinced
to be victims
see the gleaming crystal
held in our chests
and walk away