i thought you saw me as something special
you said i was interesting
who just says that?
we stayed up late last night
making plans and taking selfies
i thought you were beautiful without makeup
i still do
you told me you would make me a mix tape
who just does that?
i thought you at least saw me as a possibility
until my friend told me the two of you talked about the same things
the same movies
the same snapchats
the same late night conversations
and plans to hang out later
i was never special
you never wanted me
and i feel so ******* idiotic for crying over this
because we never even dated or acknowledged
the possibility of romance
and i imagined a world that wasn't really there
there's always the possibility that i'll grow some guts
and tell you how i feel
but i'm a coward
and scared of living to that extent
how could i let myself hope?

My mind is cluttered with unwanted
thoughts and memories that trouble me, leaving me without a place to escape.
My mind which was once my safe haven, is now a corrupt and unpleasant place to be.

They've both had you in ways
That I could only ever dream of having you
They've felt your hands on every inch of their bodies
And have felt the bliss of your lips
They've exchanged all levels of pleasure with you

They've gotten your attention
They've been your favorites
And encompassed your dreams, asleep and awake
As i have to hack and squeeze my way
Just to approach the horizon of your vision

Jealousy isn't the word to describe
The desperate hunger I can't squelch
And the heaviness of my limbs
Being filled with the feeling of insufficiency
As I face the fact that I'll never be what you want
Not nearly enough

******* *****, taking *****,
having to **** but just wanting to kiss
daydreaming of ******* and ******* and you
this world is gross and beautiful

I loved you to the point of ruin
but instead you filled my lungs with ash.