If wish you hadn't done that
Torn the blankets off me
And called me a *****
Mum, I was only 20
It wasn't anything I did
I never compromised my honor
Mum I really didn't

I wish you hadn't purposely
Let me oversleep
In hopes I would lose my job
Mum, I really couldn't figure out life
Was it that your man was helping me?
Was it that I was given the attention
A father should've given a daughter
Sure he's not my dad
But he likes to think he is

I really wish you hadn't done that
Let me go through
All the lies and accusations
While your ex incriminated me
Of things I have never done
I really wish
You hadn't waited for my tears to flow
At loss for any other escape

I really wish you hadn't
Put my friends above me
I really wish I could like Christmas
But the way I remember it
This was the occasion
To ridicule me for
Everything I was
And everything I would never be

And sure it wasn't just you
But surely you have come to understand
That this is how children compete
For attention
By teaming up against one

Mum I really wish
My school degree
Wasn't a way for you to evelate
Yourself above your sister in law
Her sons are doing so well
And you have two accomplished daughters
And one me
Who incidentally does
Whatever comes up first

I am so unpredictable,
I don't know what I'm going to do next.
I really wish I hadn't understood
And diligently ignored
The possibility
That maybe you're too broken
To really see that in fact
You are competing with your own children
For things that we never wanted
Nor cared for:
Your alfa female status.

So what if your body
Is sweetly inviting
Inviting me to play around
To play within the depths of your mind
Not for mind games
But the other games
You know...
The *****, fun games

So what if I'm impressed
At the words that appear
On the blank sheet
In my head as you speak
So what that I cannot
Enter a room without
Accidentally finding you in it
One way or another

You've ruined me
In the sweetest way
I can imagine the day
When I convince myself
It’s really you
No games
Not in my mind
Just in me

I’m running from you
Running to you
You’re smiling
Is it really you
Inviting me
Into your mind
I’m walking away
Looking back, wondering..

Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

You wouldn't know
What's behind the smile
That plays upon my lips
The laughter and echoes in this space
You would never guess what is happening in my head
As I diligently distance myself
From what happened
I've been this way since I was a child
The trick is the following
"If it doesn't show,
It didn't happen"
And it has taken over
Each defeat
Each embarassment
And each heartbreak
If it doesn't show
It didn't really happen
And I guess I'm sorry
For all the times
It "didn't happen"
I could've been braver
And put it all on display
But I do not care
To make you feel bad about it
If it naggs on you
You will come to terms with it
In your own time.
If it doesn't...
Well then I suppose
It doesn't make a difference
Whether you laughed at my downfall
You will never understand
Untill it happens to you.
You would never know
As I'm almost always friendly
It's a self-preservation technique
I hope you will never learn
But honey
It's not that hard to fix
Just stick with it
Eventually I will crawl out of my shell
I have too much pride you see :)

There must be something within you
Whispering the same teachings
As the voices within my heart
There must be many blessings
Slipping through your fingers
Playing in the palm of your hand
To finally rest within your vessel
There must be a reason
For why I long for you so deeply
There must be one day
When it will all make sense
Heaven has never let me down yet
And as I take the steps up
The stairway to heaven
I cannot help
But to imagine
That you will be there
Reaching out for me

Yet I cannot be sure
There's no proof
Of the whispers that reach my ears
There's only rumors
And the scent of your sheets
That I should not have
Layed my hands upon
But I changed them anyway
Who will speak against me
When there's no proof
Only whispers that reach their ears
I only have valid reasons
To back me up
And a pleasurably guilty consciousness

Aw girl, did you dance with the devil
Get ripped apart
Where’s your heart
Ah, I see it beating in the gutter
Well girl, what can I say
Life's a *****, and then you die
But you don’t want to hear that
No,no, not in your beautiful world
Not in pin up poster world
Aw girl
You want to go down to the love hospital
They’ll put you back together
But guess what
That beating heart
In the gutter
Maybe wants to last past puberty
So hey, I’ve been round the block
I’ll give you ten seconds of my time
Best ten seconds of advice you’ll ever hear
That rose growing in the garden there
Is that not the most beautiful thing in the world
Now, not only is that rose beautiful
It’s also very smart
It knows some ******* is going to try and take liberties
So it surrounds itself with thorns.
Do the same
Be that rose.

In these moonlit hours
I lay here, my thoughts racing
Sometimes it's hard to handle
The realities that I'm facing

My mind is over-tired
Yet my thoughts keep me awake
It's just the way I'm wired
It feels as if there's no escape

Flashbacks hit me like a flash flood
I'm drowning in the memories
My wounds have opened, there is blood
Pouring from my arteries

As the crimson river runs
It feels do or die, this battle
The journey's never any fun
When you're up a creek without a paddle

I see everything so vividly
The visions that dance before my eyes
I'm overcome with melancholy
As I whimper out soft cries

Then just as quickly as it came
The feeling is gone, I'm no longer numb
My body's shaking dissipates
As I brace myself for when the next wave comes

No I am not upset
That you went behind my back
It makes sense to be scared now
I'm not upset
And I do not have all the answers
I do not have all the knowledge
So then how could I be angry
That you look for answers for yourself
I understand whole heartedly
And I agree.
Don't change your approach
It's taking you to the right place
To my heart.