9.15.25 [20:52]
it's not quite like you to disappear on me like this
disappear on everyone
just
leave like this

it's not at all like you
or maybe it is
it's like everyone before
to leave me like this
again.

clair de lune 6.9.25 (7:13 pm / 19:13)
i never knew how lonely it could be
to sleep alone
i never knew how scared i would be
it’s pathetic, i know

but i’ve known you all your life
and you almost all of mine
i never knew how afraid i’d be without you

last night i held the moonlight in my hands
letting it drip through my fingers
and watching your empty bed

last night i read a ****** mystery
and then stayed up
you were not there, you were not sleeping with me
like my guardian angel

i never knew how much i could want you back
my moonlight

[playing: r.e.m. by ariana grande]

i’m slowly breaking 5.27.25 (5:47 pm / 18:47)
i’m slowly breaking, can’t you see
can’t you understand me?

i don’t need to be diagnosed,
i just want you to hold me
and know me and see me

i don’t care that i’m broken in a hundred different ways
i don’t care that i’m cutting and starving
and crying alone and being depressed

i don’t care that the whole world is just closing in
claustophobically
crushingly

i’m slowly breaking
and i don’t care
i just want you to be here

i wish 5.27.25 (5:53 pm / 18:53)
i wish you would let me starve myself
i wish you didn’t feed me so carefully
i’ll be happier if you let me not eat

i want to be smaller than small
skinnier than skinny
weightless, i want to fly

i want the scale to go downdowndown
little moments of glee and triumph,
smaller and thinner and skinnier

swim coach seems to notice
she can see most of my ribs
that was a glorious moment

i wish you would let me go further,
drop farther,
if only

why? 7.17.25 (6:02 pm / 18:02)
why couldn't i tell what that feeling was?
why, when it should have been really ******* obvious?

why, when i could have saved myself so many tears
and sleepless nights
and blood and thoughts and making my home in a dark corner
telling myself i always wasn't enough

too much ugly unloved
unwanted an outsider
never understood or maybe understood too much
i told myself no one ever cared

why

why?
it's because i was happy
and i thought i didn't deserve it

and now i've thrown away that chance

[playing: fearless by taylor swift]

goodbyes 6.17.25 (8:32 pm / 10:32)
goodbyes are never really slammed doors
they’re slipping away
walking away
willingly even though you still can’t understand why

they’re looking back over your shoulder
knowing that is the last you’ll ever see of them

goodbyes for me are never crying
just standing there
staring ahead with dry eyes
wondering what just happened

maybe i’m saying goodbye wrong

[playing: marjorie by taylor swift]

i wish you'd write back to me 7.19.25 5:39 pm /17:39
oh, -------,
sometimes i wish you would write a letter back to me.

sometimes i wish you would log onto your old macbook
instinctively go to hellopoetry.com
type in my ariana grande username
find me and my words
find it, these lost sentences,
these trembling letters
i've been trying to send you.

i see why you don't-
the fear that maybe,
one day,
we will wake up and realize we don't love each other
that we don't know each other like we think
we do.

i haven't sent you a letter
because i don't want you to know but i want you to know
that i love you
but what if, what if, what if
one day i don't?

the uncertainty of being not torn apart
but drifting
finding someone new and
figuring out ourselves, finally,
finding that we don't need each other anymore.

of course that's not why you love me
or why i love you

i get that
i get that fear.

but you are not afraid
because you don't even know
that this whole time

i have been screaming
your name.

drowning 6.20.25 (3:39 / 15:39)
drowning drowning drowning
flailing failing failure to surface on an endless
sea
of sad dark and death it’s all in my head i think
i think yes i’m right for once
it’s all in my mind and nothing is real
except the dark

drowning drowning can’t breathe
i’m going to die
g a s p  of  a i r
it’s momentarily bright
and then i sink
back
under
the sea

stheyre goingto find me
thosefeelingsi tried to leavebehing but theyy sswoulndt leave me.

theywalk beside me in thesunlgith sheileding their eyes
and in the darktheysmile stroking my hair

sayingyou;re n o t e n o u g h enunciating eachwordhisssssing
whispers

never ever ever enough youcould ne v  e   r be en o ugh
too much at the same timg like please picka ******* feeling

shes an oldfriend thistype oflonliness
i know her well
.

alive for you 6.26.25 (9:13 pm / 21:13)
i like to think i stay alive for you
i like to believe i breathe for you
i like to imagine my heart beats for you

i might be wrong
i'm probably crazy
it's a nice thought, anyways

[playing: the lakes - bonus track by taylor swift]

it’s too late 6.17.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i can still hear your voice
still in my head
you said ‘god bless you’
you held out your hands

i’m sorry for all the things i did
i can’t imagine how it must be for you

i’m sorry i left you there
i’m sorry didn’t try to help
i’m sorry it’s far too late

i’m sorry for you and all those who carry your name
pain is universal,
i’m sorry i drew borders,
i’m sorry i didn’t know

i’m sorry i left you sitting in a wheelchair
in front of the stores
i’m sorry i left you for you to leave us

today my mother said she saw you
all the way downtown
hanging with the people doing drugs
i’m sorry

because you were one more person
really not to different from me
who could have been saved
if only
if only

we were a bit kinder

i guess it’s way too late

[playing (idk why): what dreams are made of - ballad version by paolo and isabella from the lizzie mcguire movie]

i screamed your name until the ceiling cracked 5.7.25 (3:55 pm)
i cared too much about you to let you go
i cried for hours
i screamed your name until the ceiling cracked
and fell on me

i knelt in the shards of a roof and cut myself with them
until grief ran in red rivulets

it wasn’t fair, was it
because it also wasn’t your fault
it was mine too,
there’s blame to share

your footprints are still there 6.25.25 (12:41 pm / 12:41)
your footprints are still there
pressed into the beach
unmarred unmarked unblemished by the tide

you seem endless

i guess there are still happy things
drawing stars in damp sand
saying
i was here

i was here, you were here
i said we share this place now

your footprints are still there
but mine
too close to the water
too close to the relentless currents
they were washed away

the sand says i was never here

[playing: rises the moon by liana flores]

one thing and then the other 6.4.25 (8:00 pm) / 20:00)
sometimes i wonder-
well
so many things
a lot really

is betrayal just a metaphor?
for what, honestly, i’m falling apart
i can barely tell what i feel like anymore
sad? happy? one thing and then the other

i’m not in control anymore
i’m a control freak, yes
i can’t stand not knowing what happens next
i’m afraid

maybe i’m spiraling down
or maybe i’m standing on regular ground?
maybe i’m falling falling falling
or maybe you’re holding me up?

maybe everything is breaking shattering broken
or it could be all fine?

maybe i’m laughing maybe i’m smiling
maybe i’m crying maybe my tears are flooding
the floor and drowning me
maybe i’m happy.

i really don’t know

7.6.25 (10:42 am / 10:42)
ariane.
all those lunches throughout the school year,
do you remember?
not just the two of us,
but somehow that still.

like the day of the dance-
i let you borrow my floral vintage dress,
and we all tried it on at our lunch table.

when i think of you,
i think of the way you twirled
and how the skirts flew in the air
and oh
how you laughed

at the dance we all posed for photos
looking at the camera
our mouths lip-gossed and pouting.
but my eyes always strayed back to you
and in one polaroid,
i’m smiling.

this is what i’ve been trying to tell you.

** m

icarus 6.29.25 (4:00 pm / 16:00)
i, too
want to fly so close to the sun
that i become ashes
and when i am dead
then i will smile and laugh

and i will be happy

as i drift
as dust
into s p a c e

it's true 6.29.25 (10:10 am / 10:10)
its true very true
you never miss someone as much as you do
when they are
gone

worth it 6.4.25 (7:22 pm / 19:22)
you’re a little hard to love often enough
you’re a little difficult to tell what’s up
but you’re completely worth it

you are worth every single tear shed
you are worth every angry text sent
you are worth every moment of silence
you are worth every second you breathe
and breathe and live

you’re a little strange sometimes
you’re a little embarassing, i’ll admit
but you’re forever worth it

thank you 6.21.25 (8:42 pm / 20:42)
i think i made someone's day happier today

i don't think you have any idea how wonderful that is
the feeling that instead of ruining something like i always do
i made it better
you'll never know how happy that made me
to realize i could help someone else be happy too

she said i was a star
the kind that comes out from behind clouds
on a too-dark night

i have never been told anything more beautiful

all the stars are on your side, liana
thank you

icarus ii 7.1.25 (5:41 pm / 17:41)
i would like to burn
i would like the sun to strip me down to the bones
and find and newer better person underneath
i would like to scream and cry until my tears dry and i lose my voice
surely by then i’ll be stronger

i would, too,
like to mount my metal wings and fly
oh, fly
so close to our savior star
until i die
smiling

then maybe i’ll be resurrected
and everything will be fine then
because i will be someone new

and this me
weak fragile not enough me
will be gone
nothing but ashes

i’ll be happy

favoritism 6.28.25 (7:05 pm / 19:05)
you love him more
just admit it

i'm always the problem
someone you fight about when you think i'm asleep
someone you are sweet to when people are watching
but you scream at behind doors
someone you are always angry at never smiling
you leave when i come in a room

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i wish you would just tell me how to be better
how to be the daughter you wanted
i wish you would tell me how to fix this
instead of shouting all i did wrong
don't you see i've already told myself?

i just wish you would just admit it
instead of pretending

i wish 5.27.25 (5:53 pm / 18:53)
i wish you would let me starve myself
i wish you didn’t feed me so carefully
i’ll be happier if you let me not eat

oh juliet 5.17.25 (1:39 pm)
juliet, i’m sorry
sorry on behalf of humanity, i guess

juliet capulet
i’m sorry
they sold you off and he took you away

look i know you loved him
but why
i don’t think you ever should have met

oh juliet,
you weren’t even fourteen yet

it was only a mere thirteen years
and no longer a maiden
like you should have been forever

oh juliet, you deserved so much
so much better
i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry you died

by choice i know,
but a girl shouldn’t be ruled by a man

oh juliet
you should have had a throne
not a rusty dagger, not crying in the end
it’s no wonder she killed herself,
what’s a girl to do with a life like that?

juliet, in the next life
don’t cry
real queens don’t need a king
the only thing a boy’ll give you’s imprisonment
he’ll only treat you like a ******* toy

oh juliet
the more strength you have
as boundless as the sea,
the more it will be infinite

every possibility 5.19.25 (7:55 pm)
if i told you i loved you
what would you do

would you scream at me
how could i ruin this
would you cry
because i’ve been trying to be someone else
would you just sit there
would you hold me
would you tell me bye

in every possibility i have in my head
you don’t love me back
so i know it can’t be possible

pride month 6.1.25 (5:10 pm / 17:10)
you were right, i guess
even though you don’t know yet

you have always been right about me
you have always known me better than myself
i have always been better in your eyes

i know i should be prouder
i know i should know better

[playing: till forever falls apart by ashe and finneas]

too sad for words 6.21.25 (5:10 pm / 17:10)
i am just so sad sometimes
too sad for words

i would hug you 6.29.25 (8:00 pm / 20:00)
i would hug you, if you'd let me
i would hold you until neither of us could breathe and
i would tell you that you deserve so much better
than what you have
and anything i could give you

i would tell you i could never love you enough
you amazing loving person
i still don't understand
how someone who feels so unloved (you're not)
can love a world back with their whole heart

i would hug you, if i could
whisper to you all the truths you deserve

you're not alone
you're beautiful in every way
you're so kind compassionate caring in ways no one else could
ever be

believe me, please
when i tell you i get it
i promise

the fall 5.20.25 (4:29 pm / 16:29)
none of us are really afraid of heights
we’re afraid of the fall
we’re afraid of the pain
and what will happen when we hit the ground

is it wrong to not be scared
is is wrong to want that

i’m insane i know
i’m not all right, yes, i know

i know i wouldn’t care if i slipped
i know i’d be happy freefalling down
i know that wouldn’t be a bad end of me

maybe that’s wrong
to want to destroy such a gift
life

[playing: dandelion and hampstead by ariana grande]

mood swings 6.21.25 (1:24 pm / 13:24)
something’s wrong with me, isn’t there
everyone says this is okay this is normal this is fine
doctors: this is just a side effect of the meds
friends: this happens to everyone
parents: it’ll be okay it’s okay

and me: this is fine i’m fine i can stay fine if i just keep this face of fineness
and blankness and stare into space

it’s not it’s not fine
i can’t do this anymore

i don’t believe in god but please someone help me
i was happy just a minute ago
please
let me go back

for you 7.7.25 (8:02 pm / 20:02)
i don't want to stay here

though i could
right?












but if you said

"for me?"


















of course i would.

maybe falling is a beautiful thing 4.30.25 (9:25 am)
daisies grow wild in the woods
in dappled sunlight under the trees

fields of white petals
and yellow pollen floating in the air

maybe falling is a beautiful thing
maybe drowning is a peaceful thing
maybe dying is a lovely thing

maybe lying down in a daisy field
and falling asleep forever
is a painless thing

maybe i’d do it
if it were possible

does our distance make you sad? 6.29.25 (6:45 pm / 18:45)
does our distance make you sad
or are you just forgetting

do you remember those days we had
sitting next to each other
small and smiling
carefree

do you remember meeting me
kindergarten classroom
i kind of don't
it seems so long ago
but i remember we were instant friends

do you remember every day
when i came into the classroom, always later than you
we'd run up and hug each other

do you remember how we loved each other

you act like you've forgotten
you act like we were never friends

love i know we were broken apart
but is that a reason to forget me?

i remember you
oh, you

[playing: somewhere over the rainbow - live from manchester by ariana grande]

10.1.25 [19:37]
maybe dying i thought
is like falling asleep
i imagined the pain would all be gone and i wouldn't think
i wouldn't think about you
i wouldn't miss you the way i do
i would be nothing in a second

absolutely nothing compared to the world
i would be dead and gone
and i would be okay

impossible 6.21.25 (2:07 pm / 14:07)
it feels so
impossible
to carry on

i know i wrote a poem called carry on
that day was a good day, may 7, 2025
that day was a day i might have been happy

it feels so impossible to go back there
that light and love are impossibly far away
everything good is impossible for me

i want someone to make impossible possible
i want someone to at least want to help me
please
is it so hard?
i've tried for you, would you try for me too?

maybe that's impossible too
just wishful thinking
there's no one here for me

i’ve tried so hard
it's impossible

untitled (7:22 pm / 19:22)
i don’t want to live i want to die
what’s wrong with me
what did i do
it’s all my fault isn’t it

it’s so hard to go on
and for no reason
no reason other than myself

looking up overdosages of pain meds on incognito
or even antidepressants
but doctors, they’ve made sure i can’t do that

i want to die because then it’ll be peaceful
quiet
nothing
darkness
no one

untitled 2 6.20.25 (3:46 pm / 15:46)
you said
i want to make her cry
PLEASE
i haven’t cried for real in so long

if i told you i missed you 5.19.25 (7:13 pm)
love is really just knowing
isn’t it?
love is really just sitting next to each other
without even asking
love is just holding hands in hallways
the nice kind of silence
love is just sitting together and talking and talking
love is never getting tired of someone else

if i told you i missed all that
what would you do?
if i told you i missed you
would you come back?

persephone 5.21.25 (4:30 pm / 16:30)
persephone i’m not sure this will ever reach you
not sure it’ll pierce through your prison’s dark

persephone i’m sorry
oh persephone, forced down below
to live with Hades far from home

persephone life changed you
changed you from the girl who should have just been
frozen in time

persephone no one tried to save you
and i was far too late
persephone i’m not sure you’ll even care
these thousands of years later

persephone i wish we could turn back time

[playing: bye by ariana grande]

let the stars fall 5.22.25 (8:01 am)
it’s time to give up
isn’t it

time to let the snow bury me and the hail crush me
i’m giving up, let the stars all fall down

it’s dangerous with me tonight,
just go
i’d save you,
but why?

i’m giving up
what’s even worth living for?
you? me? us?
certainly not the universe, no

forever dissecting myself
in front of a mirror,
i’m not a blonde and blue-eyed barbie

oh it’s time to give it all up
and i’ll do it willingly

[playing: meteor shower by cavetown and hello? by clairo and rejjie snow]

when grief sits beside you 6.21.25 (7:21 pm / 19:21)
when grief sits beside you
she doesn’t speak.
she brushes your hair,
whispers meaningless things in your ear.

she pours you tea
in a cracked porcelain cup.
lets you choke.
you grow fond of her.
you call her by her name.

[playing: impossible by clairo]

fire 4.22.25 (10:37 am)
you were always fearless enough to get burned
brave enough to walk through the fire

but now i feel you left me
because i could not burn the way you did
didn’t light up like a star

you must have been born on the moon
because you glowed under the night sky

i remember you walking away
you said
i love you
did you?
did you mean it,
but not enough?
or was it all a lie?

now the cold settles around my bones
and i regret not following you
into the fire

Leda 5.28.25 (7:12 pm / 19:12)
i don’t know how to escape
i’ve forgotten how to run
all i know is white feathers
and trapped, held down

afterwards, what just happened
what do i do
where do i go
who do i cry out for help to

now the sky
is not where i go
far away,
i’ll never be alone

[inspired by leda and the swan by william butler yeats]

carry on 5.7.25 (3:39 pm)
sure, maybe everything is going wrong
it’s always been ****** up
i was just too busy to notice

but we’ve always got to carry on
carry on,
carry on, hold your baggage close
hold a suitcase full of memories
wear a backpack full of grief
they might hurt your shoulders for now
but these kinds of things make you stronger

carry on,
carry the ones you love with you
carry on, always carry on

maybe you’ve lied
and maybe you’ll lie again
but we can forget and carry on

maybe you’ve betrayed me
and maybe you will again
but i can forgive
and carry on

carry on
because what else can we do?

[playing: imperfect for you by ariana grande]

my everything 7.17.25 (6:08 pm / 18:08)
what did i say when you told me everything?
nothing?
everything, too?

is is even important to remember?
or too important?

so
what will you say when i tell you
everything

all my truths and so then all my lies
what will you do?
when you know, when you know, when you know
that you have known nothing
almost all along?

i'm sorry really flipping ******* sorry
i hope you don't mind i stole your words
i hope you don't mind i stole your trust
i hope you don't mind i simply could not make myself tell you

that everything

so
what will you say?

i suppose
let the stars speak for us.

second chances 6.27.25 (3:24 pm / 15:24)
i know i deserve this
i know i did this to myself

but is a second ******* chance so much to ask for

8.9.25 (11:13 am / 11:13)
404
not found
we couldn't find the page you were looking for

so where have you gone?

happy 6.17.25 (7:35 pm / 19:35)
it’s so hard to learn to be the old me
a person who’d never seen the dark
and never touched the edges
and never been drowning

it’s so hard to learn to be better
so hard to forget the razor in the bathroom drawer
if you tested it
there’d be my blood

it’s so hard to stop
so hard to keep wearing long sleeves in the summer
so hard to ignore your strange glances
you’re right,
you were right when you said i’ve changed

it’s too hard to be happy

[playing: 2 hold u by clairo]

sadness 6.9.25 (7:04 pm / 19:04)
sitting   h e r e
in the dark
i can feel her presence
sadness is a strange all consuming friend.
she takes all of your time
she feeds off of your happiness

i know how this goes, this is how it is with me and friends
but
this is something else

she sits by your side while you cry in the unlit room
she brushes out your hair and whispers nonsense in your ears
until you stop breathing hard
and your heart stops beating fast

until you stop breathing
and your heart stops beating

sadness will not stop you when you drag razors across your arms
sadness will not care when you hold her, she will not hug you back
but at least she won’t be afraid
at least she’ll never leave

she holds out your hand
for you to take
and she crushes your fingers
pushing you back down to the ground

sadness is a fickle friend
but she’ll always make sure you’re never alone

playing: yours by conan gray

it is true 5.31.25 (10:03 pm / 22:03)
it is true i wished to die,
and perhaps so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all
prisoners?

it is true that my first thought
on a balcony was how far the fall
and not how beautiful the view
is this not lawful for all those trapped?

i am a bird in a cage
the key is sitting just outside

i am the swan with clipped wings
leda of sparta
no longer a girl
but still unable to fly away and escape

it is true,
it is true,
it is true

it is true i wished to fly,
and so i wish still,
is this not lawful for all birds?

[playing: softly by clairo]

untitled 3 6.21.25 (1:29 pm / 13:29)
i can’t handle this anymore
i’m so tired
so sad i’m just so sad it’s crushing me
i don’t feel it when i cut
my scars are the only proof i was ever bleeding

i can’t do this what did i do for this to happen to me