deleting poems 6.29.25 (6:32 pm / 18:32)
there were happy poems i wrote
apparently three thousand happy words
that i deleted

i couldn't look at them anymore

i don't know 6.28.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i don't know how else to do this
i don't know any other ways to bear it
i don't know how to feel better

i only needed pain i could understand
i only wanted to know why i was hurting
please
it's not my fault

is it?

Ariane again 5.24.25 (1:50 pm / 13:50)
ariane i try so hard for you
and it’s worth it every day

ariane there is nothing i would not sacrifice
for you and i

ariane it doesn’t matter anymore
if you love me back or not
can you let me love you?

ariane when it’s just me and you
those are my favorite moments,
i just want you to know

ariane please,
i wish i weren’t desperate
but i want this
you
all the same

my everything 7.17.25 (6:08 pm / 18:08)
what did i say when you told me everything?
nothing?
everything, too?

is is even important to remember?
or too important?

so
what will you say when i tell you
everything

all my truths and so then all my lies
what will you do?
when you know, when you know, when you know
that you have known nothing
almost all along?

i'm sorry really flipping ******* sorry
i hope you don't mind i stole your words
i hope you don't mind i stole your trust
i hope you don't mind i simply could not make myself tell you

that everything

so
what will you say?

i suppose
let the stars speak for us.

lunar cycle 5.16.25 (10:11 am)
the lunar cycle continues forever
rotating and rotating and forever and forever

crescent, half, full
rewind
life
death
black
white

again and again
everything lit silver
a kind of surreal light

the kind that makes you want to lie down
on a dewy field of flowers
and stay there forever
watching the moon

all you need is hate 5.23.25 (6:18 pm / 18:18)
all you need is hate
to start a fire

all you need is hate
to beat someone until they die
for loving some other gender than you

all you need is hate
to set fire to someone’s clothes
because of what they wear

all you need is hate
to kneel on someone’s neck
because their skin color is different from yours

all you need is hate
and a stupid stupid stupid reason
to make a blaze

all you need is hate
and other people who hate
and you can make a horrible difference

i want to say love can fix that
but i’ve given up,
i don’t know if it can

since forever 5.13.25 (8:08 am)
i feel like i’ve known you since forever
i feel like you and i have walked a thousand miles
in each other’s shoes
i feel like you know every place i’ve been

i feel like you and i
we’ll be together forever
i think you see all of me
i think maybe i see all of you

you never try to tell me who i am
you’re never looking for me
we just found each other

found each other, such a lucky thing
maybe i do believe in luck after all

if i told you i missed you 5.19.25 (7:13 pm)
love is really just knowing
isn’t it?
love is really just sitting next to each other
without even asking
love is just holding hands in hallways
the nice kind of silence
love is just sitting together and talking and talking
love is never getting tired of someone else

if i told you i missed all that
what would you do?
if i told you i missed you
would you come back?

i’m fine 6.21.25 (1:59 pm / 13:59)
mhm. yes.
i
i- i was okay
i’m okay yes
yes i’m fine i’ve always been fine

it's just that im standing in the middle of a maze right now
and everyone else seems to have their ball of yarn or whatever
and im just standing there alone no one will help me

yes im fine it’s just that i feel like im going to die
right now
i am going to die
maybe that would be okay maybe everyone would be better off
with me dead

dont be sorry for me, maybe it’s good no one will help me
find my way
i ******* deserve this

beautiful 6.24.25 (4:42 pm / 16:42)
sometimes the world is terrible
horrible and ugly and disgusting

sometimes
rarely
it's beautiful

[playing: sunshine by rainbow frog biscuits and heaven by clairo]

fat isn’t a ***** word 5.27.25 (5:03 pm / 17:03)
fat isn’t a ***** word,
you just taught us that it is

you say you’re a little overweight
when we visit you at the doctors

then you show us movies
and all the pretty girls have got 19 inch waists

then we scroll on the internet,
full of diet culture and skinny models

then you put us in front of mirrors
and expect us to not be sick at what we see

adults, you can do better

maybe we’d be alright 6.1.25 (5:00 pm / 17:00)
oh but maybe,
maybe
maybe
maybe if i hadn’t changed it all
maybe if i’d made some other call
maybe if i hadn’t let you fall

maybe we’d be alright

7.6.25 (7:05 pm / 19:05)
in the most honest of ways
you deserve so much ******* better
than me

one thing and then the other 6.4.25 (8:00 pm) / 20:00)
sometimes i wonder-
well
so many things
a lot really

is betrayal just a metaphor?
for what, honestly, i’m falling apart
i can barely tell what i feel like anymore
sad? happy? one thing and then the other

i’m not in control anymore
i’m a control freak, yes
i can’t stand not knowing what happens next
i’m afraid

maybe i’m spiraling down
or maybe i’m standing on regular ground?
maybe i’m falling falling falling
or maybe you’re holding me up?

maybe everything is breaking shattering broken
or it could be all fine?

maybe i’m laughing maybe i’m smiling
maybe i’m crying maybe my tears are flooding
the floor and drowning me
maybe i’m happy.

i really don’t know

paper crane 5.23.25 (7:21 pm / 19:21)
i’m like a paper crane
that my own fingers folded
shaky and bent and wrong

on peach paper i cut and cut to pieces
until the crane
that broken bird
is gone

it hurts to **** it
but i feel better after,
is that wrong?

really sad 6.27.25 (1:07 pm / 13:07)
i'm sad
really sad

once i said that to my kindergarten teacher
she just said
oh honey it'll be okay
i believed her, but look at me now

i'm sad because i feel like i've lost so many people
every time i'm hopeful it'll be different
every time they leave it's all my fault
my fault my fault my fault

i'm sad because being sad consumes me
makes it my whole self
like sometimes i think i'm not just depressed
but actually depressive
as in i make everyone around me sad too

is there another word for sad?
please
i need it

[playing: its ok i'm ok by tate mcrae]

does our distance make you sad? 6.29.25 (6:45 pm / 18:45)
does our distance make you sad
or are you just forgetting

do you remember those days we had
sitting next to each other
small and smiling
carefree

do you remember meeting me
kindergarten classroom
i kind of don't
it seems so long ago
but i remember we were instant friends

do you remember every day
when i came into the classroom, always later than you
we'd run up and hug each other

do you remember how we loved each other

you act like you've forgotten
you act like we were never friends

love i know we were broken apart
but is that a reason to forget me?

i remember you
oh, you

[playing: somewhere over the rainbow - live from manchester by ariana grande]

untitled 6.29.25 (6:34 pm / 18:34)
i'll listen when you talk
when you laugh
scream
cry

i want to listen to your words i want to hear you
i don't want you to be forgotten
i can't even bear the idea

when you're sad i want to hold you
tell you it'll be okay
tell you you can trust me

tell you i'd never leave

you are just so beautiful
the kind where i keep stealing glances at you
when i think you won't notice
because of course i don't have a chance

i can't imagine how i lived twelve years without you
maybe i didn't

i could go on and on and on
sweetheart
i wanted to say i love you

i’m in love with you 5.22.25 (6:46 pm / 18:46)
oh my god it's a revelation
oh my god how did i not realize before

oh my god i’m in love with you

oh my god your hair and your face
and your lopsided daisy crowns
and your pony-bead bracelets
oh my god, i’m in love with you

oh my god you with your brown eyes and matching braids
you with your sunlight smile
you you you
it’s always been you how did i not see it?

yes you
i’m in love with you

[playing: sofia by clairo (again)]

i want to be strong but i cant

favoritism 6.28.25 (7:05 pm / 19:05)
you love him more
just admit it

i'm always the problem
someone you fight about when you think i'm asleep
someone you are sweet to when people are watching
but you scream at behind doors
someone you are always angry at never smiling
you leave when i come in a room

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
i wish you would just tell me how to be better
how to be the daughter you wanted
i wish you would tell me how to fix this
instead of shouting all i did wrong
don't you see i've already told myself?

i just wish you would just admit it
instead of pretending

why? 7.17.25 (6:02 pm / 18:02)
why couldn't i tell what that feeling was?
why, when it should have been really ******* obvious?

why, when i could have saved myself so many tears
and sleepless nights
and blood and thoughts and making my home in a dark corner
telling myself i always wasn't enough

too much ugly unloved
unwanted an outsider
never understood or maybe understood too much
i told myself no one ever cared

why

why?
it's because i was happy
and i thought i didn't deserve it

and now i've thrown away that chance

[playing: fearless by taylor swift]

second chances 6.27.25 (3:24 pm / 15:24)
i know i deserve this
i know i did this to myself

but is a second ******* chance so much to ask for

carry on 5.7.25 (3:39 pm)
sure, maybe everything is going wrong
it’s always been ****** up
i was just too busy to notice

but we’ve always got to carry on
carry on,
carry on, hold your baggage close
hold a suitcase full of memories
wear a backpack full of grief
they might hurt your shoulders for now
but these kinds of things make you stronger

carry on,
carry the ones you love with you
carry on, always carry on

maybe you’ve lied
and maybe you’ll lie again
but we can forget and carry on

maybe you’ve betrayed me
and maybe you will again
but i can forgive
and carry on

carry on
because what else can we do?

[playing: imperfect for you by ariana grande]

every possibility 5.19.25 (7:55 pm)
if i told you i loved you
what would you do

would you scream at me
how could i ruin this
would you cry
because i’ve been trying to be someone else
would you just sit there
would you hold me
would you tell me bye

in every possibility i have in my head
you don’t love me back
so i know it can’t be possible

seasonal depression 6.20.25 (4:30 pm / 16:30)
summer makes me sad this year
i can’t remember if it’s always been this way
i feel empty without school even though that’s what made me like this

pointless without some kind of schedule and goal
it’s so peaceful now
but i’m alone with my thoughts
even this sadness is wrong
most people are more depressed in the winter
or so they say

i stopped drawing and my sketchbook is full of poems
in dying pen

summer makes me sad this year
the way i’ve changed so much i can’t even remember how i was
before

[playing: rocket ships by cavetown]

goodbyes 6.17.25 (8:32 pm / 10:32)
goodbyes are never really slammed doors
they’re slipping away
walking away
willingly even though you still can’t understand why

they’re looking back over your shoulder
knowing that is the last you’ll ever see of them

goodbyes for me are never crying
just standing there
staring ahead with dry eyes
wondering what just happened

maybe i’m saying goodbye wrong

[playing: marjorie by taylor swift]

clair de lune 6.9.25 (7:13 pm / 19:13)
i never knew how lonely it could be
to sleep alone
i never knew how scared i would be
it’s pathetic, i know

but i’ve known you all your life
and you almost all of mine
i never knew how afraid i’d be without you

last night i held the moonlight in my hands
letting it drip through my fingers
and watching your empty bed

last night i read a ****** mystery
and then stayed up
you were not there, you were not sleeping with me
like my guardian angel

i never knew how much i could want you back
my moonlight

[playing: r.e.m. by ariana grande]

it’s too late 6.17.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i can still hear your voice
still in my head
you said ‘god bless you’
you held out your hands

i’m sorry for all the things i did
i can’t imagine how it must be for you

i’m sorry i left you there
i’m sorry didn’t try to help
i’m sorry it’s far too late

i’m sorry for you and all those who carry your name
pain is universal,
i’m sorry i drew borders,
i’m sorry i didn’t know

i’m sorry i left you sitting in a wheelchair
in front of the stores
i’m sorry i left you for you to leave us

today my mother said she saw you
all the way downtown
hanging with the people doing drugs
i’m sorry

because you were one more person
really not to different from me
who could have been saved
if only
if only

we were a bit kinder

i guess it’s way too late

[playing (idk why): what dreams are made of - ballad version by paolo and isabella from the lizzie mcguire movie]

untitled 2 6.20.25 (3:46 pm / 15:46)
you said
i want to make her cry
PLEASE
i haven’t cried for real in so long