it's hard to believe people love me
when I don't love myself
and once they are around me
there's no way they possibly can
because once I take the mask off
I'm no longer the "safe place"
they thought I was
instead
I'm the one who needs saving

the lovely
sitting alone
in the wondrous basement
with occasional flooding
wrists burning
heart brimming with sadness
yet you tell me I'm magical
and that you're grateful for me

I wish you knew the real me
because I am lost
and I am not enjoying the maze
I cry about stupid things
I flinch away from touch
because the only contact I know is violent
I try to fix others
but cannot fix myself
I lie
and pretend
to be more then I am

you say I know the secrets of the universe
but in reality I know nothing
I know only how to say words
and string them together to make something pretty
something that feels like a hug
from 26 days away
but in truth
they are nothing but words.

I am not marvelous
nor magnificent
and I am not all I pretend to be
I am less
I am lost
and you are lovely

hope is a butterfly
it dances in front of your face
until you try to catch it
then it flutters away like
its got other places to be
and if you do manage to catch it
you'll only damage it

she’s still there 6.10.25 (11:03 pm / 23:03)
it’s all over now
the naive stupid little girl i was
i hated i wished for i killed
she’s dead now or at least
she’s supposed to be

but maybe she’s still alive i think
all those years didn’t work all those years of torture
trapped inside my mind rotting being neglected she didn’t die

i think that though i might wish her dead that i might only be
an empty hollow dead shell
she’s still there
her ragged fingernails still painted silver scratching at the bars of my cage
of a heart
holding the iron she’s begging to be free
she’s still there i can feel it i know it

i think that maybe she has been there the whole time healing
waiting for a moment of weakness waiting for me to crack
sitting there watching licking her wounds
i just didn’t see her

[playing: magic 8 ball by cavetown and frankie cosmos]

twinkle, twinkle, little star
What a little liar you are.
told me that my wish would come true
if I made a wish on you
but twinkle, twinkle, little star
I'm still crying from afar

clair de lune 6.9.25 (7:13 pm / 19:13)
i never knew how lonely it could be
to sleep alone
i never knew how scared i would be
it’s pathetic, i know

but i’ve known you all your life
and you almost all of mine
i never knew how afraid i’d be without you

last night i held the moonlight in my hands
letting it drip through my fingers
and watching your empty bed

last night i read a ****** mystery
and then stayed up
you were not there, you were not sleeping with me
like my guardian angel

i never knew how much i could want you back
my moonlight

[playing: r.e.m. by ariana grande]