dont you think it is time
to forgive yourself for
only breathing in
half of the air
your lungs begged for

you already know
they took the other half from you
and it is not your fault

but breathe in again
forgive yourself
fully this time

i want to see you make it to the finish line
while they breathe only half of the air now
-- for the air you took away, was always yours
you have always had the potential to heal

do not let them have
the air

steady love holds me
in the night when
vivid dreams
turn to melancholy

i feel my brain waves
humbled by you
in the dead of night
as you hold me
it feels like
music notes
dancing across my eyelids
treble, bass, treble

steady love grounds me
when sun greets the sky
and though you put on
a dress shirt and shoes
and walk out the door
your touch still reaches me
slow, tender, soft

steady love stays humble
as it teaches me kindness
like i had never received or
reciprocated before
like the moon cycle it meets me
half, full, whole

steady love breaks down
my walls and shatters my
anger whist patience engulfs me
as i don’t cry on the floor like i did before
you take my tears and turn them to
peonies and remind me of spring
breath, wind, air

steady love makes me tremble
as i imagine it leaving me
something to hold onto
while you are gone
with the reassurance that it will
come back through the door
stay, click, lock

steady love leaves me speechless
i have found my hope
i can’t leave now because
there is nothing greater off
earth than

steady love

you, me, always

september came and went
and the dew fall
steady fell to the
wilted blades of
grass - to mimic
my soul sinking
under the
season's change

i give praise to
the weather
as it so confidently
shift-shapes - boldy
and on time - as
i whisper jealous
praise toward
its consistency

while i know it
is reliable and approaching
i still wish the planet
would coddle me
and defy its
punctual drift
to make me feel like
i am caught up with
where i desired to be by now

maybe if it did i would
feel less guilty for not moving
forward with it

but

september came and went
and while my body is still
in season my heart is left
in the warmth of june

my fingers are
still absorbing the
heat from the sun
as it solemnly
waves goodbye
and fearlessly falls
away - i tell september
not to wait for me this time

ill catch up next year

i didnt know how to start writing again  
because i didnt know how to write about you
in a way i hadn’t before

but then i learned that you were no longer my muse
and writing was more beautiful without you

I always had a way of romanticizing my life
Which sounds really lame and probably
A little childish
But I didn’t leave my dress up shoes behind
When I started my period or
Grew into a new body  
In fact now saying it out loud
I don't think I could leave behind those
Pink, plastic Cinderella shoes
I mean honestly
Just that intangible item makes me think
That ill never really GROW into who I really want
To be
And it's not that I'm trying to victimize myself for
Making the choices that I made
See
I gave up my innocence the moment
I let a man undress me
Who would never be my knight in shining armor in
Fact he wasn’t even a frog  
Or much of a charmer
he was the epitome of my
Self doubt
And thats where those fairytale ending got it all wrong

"The Princess Saves Herself in This One"  
Is a nice title but I don't want to save myself
Because if I fall while doing that
Im afraid the cement won’t catch me -
Like seriously I struggle to just put a book
Back on the shelf
And my apartment is never neat
and at the same time I call myself a clean freak
I feel like my head runs a million miles an hour
And at the same time I cant even decide what time of the day to Shower
And speaking of that don't get me started on my workout
Routine I have almost an entire novel written in my
Head about how I want to be seen
And ill never be seen like those
Girls in the pictures
"You're losing weight"
But
"Honey you just look sicker"
I want to scream and cry but at the same time
Be up at 6am to go work at a job
That I physically cannot stand
My rings never close
But hey I'm always on time
Because maybe if I get there early
I can go run and hide
In the back where nobody will see me
Because I don't have Cinderella shoes or a Gucci bag
To carry at my side
I have ***** converse sneakers that I wear everyday
And half of the time I just want to give up
Because if I catch myself in the middle of a crowd
I need to know how I'm going to get out
Or else I feel like I will crumble
In front of everyone around me

And thats not the way a lady should act
You need to keep your chin up and
Arch your back
You need to
Present yourself well and always smile
Because its unattractive
To be "CRAZY"
And you ask me why I'm hostile?
And make sure you run that extra mile
Because if my thighs touch while I walk
The knight in shining armor will have too much grab
Be sensitive and kind and for Gods sake
Hide that flab
And listen those
Converse sneakers need to be retired
Because in the eyes of a proper woman
Those would never be admired
I guess this doesn’t really sound poetic right?
But it would just be so be pathetic if I didn’t write
About that girl that I think about
Who played dress up everyday
And wonder how I let her slip away

Because I know theres nobody really there to save me
Im not someone to be pitied I was
Handed a silver spoon the moment my mother
Took her last push and
Let me into the world as a proper lady
And another day will start and maybe just maybe
It’ll be the day that I throw out all the chocolate in my cabinet
And not spend 40 dollars on drug store makeup
To make me feel more compassionate
About myself and the little girl who’s dad told her she was beautiful everyday
Maybe it will be the morning I can look in the mirror without dismay
About how my stomach sticks out just a little farther than I want it too

So thats why ill keep romanticizing my life
Ill keep telling myself that a morning routine will fix all my problems
And ill stop reading all the magazine columns
About celebrities that I really don't even give a **** about

Maybe when the sun rises tomorrow
I won’t care about how many calories I eat
Or switch out my bread to whole grain or wheat
Like really maybe I'll finally clean up the crumbs
I keep stepping on every time I walk into my door
To remind me that who I am is so much more
Than a pair of ***** converse shoes
That ill never throw away because I don't want them
To to waste in a landfill where my pink plastic
Cinderella shoes probably still lay

And I think its funny that more than ever
I can rearrange words in a sentence to make myself sound  
More clever and cover up the hurt
That I might feel for not being the brightest and best
and no ill never forget those little tuts and my dress
And the knight in shining armor can finally see
That his princess wears
***** converse shoes
And maybe then I'll finally feel pretty
I don't need to be what everyone says I should be
Because truly theres bruises on my knees
From falling so ******* the cement by myself
And I promise I finally put that book back on the shelf
But for now I just want to lay down on the couch
And not think about my little smooch pouch
Ill never be what society wants to see
But the little girl
In cinderella shoes
Will choose to be happy
For now and  
Until tomorrow
Ill romanticize my life
And stop wallowing in self pity and

Cinderella’s sorrow

i remember the night
my soul left my body
in utter agony

like thousands of
tiny pin ******
driving into every nerve
of my body

i gripped my hands onto my chest
to feel my heart racing
and my blood running cold —

i buried my body into the
bed i used to share with you
and i poured tears
onto my pillowcase
and let the sheets run damp
for days —

i picked myself up
after those days turned into weeks
and i vowed to never
let anyone in that close again

i would never wish that pain
on anyone except back onto you

because you shattered me

i was left with nothing
while you had everything
i was left with nobody
while you had everybody

and i will never get back
the part of my soul that you
stole when you walked away

you still make my
stomach turn
and now that she finally has you
after digging her claws into me
and finally ripping you away
i hope they all realize

every lie you told
is laid out in front of them
so they can finally see

that when you called me crazy
it was really you all along

and i ******* hate you

i

hate you