lauren

lauren Dec 2021

within the night comes
tremulous forms of
soul flooding heartache

those thoughts of which are
often unspoken when the sun rises
and the day begs you to partake
in another anguishing routine
of here and there, hello and goodbye

within those moments i admire those
that can roll a feeling off of their shoulder
as they agree with the skyline and
happily hold out their arms --
much like a wavelength of gratitude
accepting the flood that they will
overcome on their own

however, in these moments in which
one recognizes the complexity
of their own consciousness
it is evident that one thing
must remain in a world full of
anguish and demise

that being love
where a night may then offer
a tinge of sunlight
so that the dawn may then
ease into another day
and pain of tomorrow
would be a quite
happy here and there
hello and goodbye

lauren Nov 2021

i wish i was a rug

i wish i was a rug
because maybe then id be used
to the feeling of others
walking all over me

i wish i was a rug
because maybe then id be soft
and give people a reason to say
"what a nice addition this adds to the room"

i wish i was a rug
because if someone soiled me
i would be able to be washed
and cleaned and brand new once again

i wish i was a rug
because even though its used
and ***** and old you just... couldn't get rid of it
because its been there all this time

and you couldn't imagine life without it
but if you do

i still would wish i was a rug
because that way, being thrown out
wouldn't seem so permanent
because my time would be up
and i wouldn't feel a thing

and i wouldn't have any idea that you replaced me
if i were a rug

lauren Nov 2021

wishing time away

there is a place i dream of
with fields of green
weeping willows
wallowing words of wisdom
lullabies of the greater presence
those backroads
where time is slow and the
wind whispers wonders
of a
greater tomorrow
tranquil silence just
loud enough to hear yourself think
a thought that you took too quickly
a peaceful nothingness
i dream of clarity and answers
in this place and i hope that
maybe one day i will not
have to dig into my mind
marveling over minutes
that have not yet passed
to make it through the day
but dreaming this dream
and longing for these trees
that will only grow in
my least wakeful moments
reminds me that
one day
i will wake up and be there
dreaming once again for
one
more
breath

lauren Sep 2021

the movement

you are simply
the beginning and the end.
i am not morbidly mourning my own self destruction,
but i had forgotten my priorities when i first had laid eyes on you.
simply, the innocence of my being had been lost because every pore had been filled with the presence of yourself. it is incredibly challenging to explain the exasperating and overwhelming draft you add to the room.
like a casting call
for your own role - identity.
god i could play it over and over again.
like a torn up passion
sprinkling its own grace over the particular stereotype.
like those films and stories of love and deep movement.
you are simply the blindness that i feel
to all of my surroundings
that inevitably keeps me from recognizing
the beginning and the end
of myself.

lauren Aug 2021

fresh eyes

i had been blind before
but never like this
i knew you had engulfed my soul
the moment i felt my heart shatter
and my lungs collapse
at your absence
how lucky am i
to have something
that drowns my
chest into a sullen
nostalgia when you are away
your touch ignites my senses
and i would
climb mountains
and dare
to touch the moon
just so i could extend your hand
out to mine in this very moment

the very sound of your name
makes my heart flutter
and i crave you when you are gone
more importantly
i long to stop time
when you are near because
i simply cannot bear
saying goodbye to you
countless times over

i thought i had been in love before
but he has taught me
that i have never witnessed love
not a love like his
not a love
that makes me speak to soon
and shatters the walls i have built up
around me

this is the fairytale little girls
dream about
and how lucky am i
to be so painfully broken
in the midst of pondering
losing him

keep me blind, i am happy here
if i see again
without these fresh eyes
i fear all colors will be lost

without you

i met my soulmate a year ago

lauren Aug 2021

last talk

“you’re so beautiful”
he said through his teeth
with his head cocked to the side
like a child after a scolding
nothing he said resonated as true
because he couldn’t choose
he couldn’t choose me

“i don’t feel like it”
i said stone cold sober
with a guarded heart
like an ancient wall about to crumble
but preserved through time
remembering i never deserved to be
someone’s second option
especially after years of always being
the first

“come back to me and you’ll feel like it
everyday”
he cockily pleaded
as if he knew it would be
the last words he said to me
in a long while
or maybe even the last time he said it
at all

i sneered and he threw me over his shoulder
and i laughed and screamed
like an innocent
like the past five years were not just a
memory of us
but
we were always meant for hurt

then he walked out the door for the last time
and i went to sleep
and dreamt of new beginnings
and caressed closure

and i felt beautiful
because i wasn’t chosen

lauren May 2021

what you have given me

i dig my nails into my palms
and allow them to caress and sculpt
an indentation into my skin
as if the sting will mask some kind of vendetta
that my subconscious holds over me
as a result my unprecedented thoughts
lead me through a dark tunnel
with no silver lining at the end because
i feel like i dont deserve you
because i feel as if
you are simply
the beginning and the end
i am not morbidly mourning
my own self destruction,
but i had forgotten my priorities
when i first laid eyes on you
the innocence of my being had been lost
because every pore had been filled
with the presence of yourself
it is incredibly challenging to explain
the exasperating and overwhelming draft
you add to the room
like a casting call for your own role - identity
i could play it over and over again
like a torn up passion
sprinkling its own grace over
the particular stereotype
like those films and stories
of love and deep movement
you are simply the blindness that i feel
to all of my surroundings
that inevitably keeps me from recognizing
the beginning and the end
of myself