I have seen Medusa
She's as wicked as can be
She never utters a single word
She just sits and stares at me

Her hair looks like a nest of snakes
Her eyes a piercing red
She's already turned my heart to stone
And my mind is almost dead

Her smile looks like she's constipated
You know, that I need exlax grin
I think she was the serpent of Eden
Cause she sure is as ugly as sin

Many men have tried to tame her
A dangerous journey to embark
But now they're covered with pigeon ****
Like a statue in the park

This could be my final poem
That's written on my own
For the next time I see my mother-in-law (Medusa)
I'll surely be turned to stone



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I've often wondered why you cry
Why are you always sad?
What's the reason for your tears,
What makes you feel so bad?

Your pillow case is always stained
Your tears are on your sleeve
Has someone near you passed away,
The reason why you grieve?

An unseen pain you hide away,
Something I can't see?
Did your best friend just walk away,
What could it possibly be?

Tell me why you feel this way
Help me ease your pain
Is it something that's too hard to say,
Something you can't explain?

I see the way you look at me
Each time I'm standing near
Now I know who makes you cry
My reflection's in your tear



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It happen one snowy Christmas eve
The snow was too heavy for flight
So Santa and those eight tiny reindeer
Were stranded with me for the night

After hot chocolate we all went to sleep
With them on my living room floor
The reindeer kept passing gas all night
And all Santa could do was snore

Well, I woke up in the middle of the night
And those reindeer were all in my bed
Comet and Cupid were holding me tight
And Prancer was kissing my head

Then in a flash the room went dark
And in the corner, a tiny elf appears
Believe it or not on top of his head
He had one of my wife's best brassieres

I got out of bed to find old Santa
I was hoping he might have an answer
I found him soaking in my garden tub
Where he was taking a bath with Dancer

So I hurried back to the bedroom
But my wife was no where in sight
I found her in the kitchen playing spin the bottle
And that elf said she's mine for the night

Well that did it, I finally lost my temper
I started screaming for them to get out
Santa says, "We can't leave, my clothes aren't dry"
And that's when I started to shout

He pointed to my fireplace mantle
And my stockings were no longer there
For hanging on the nail by the fire
Was Santa's long john underwear

I ran to the bedroom for my rifle
But when I returned they were already gone
My house was a wreck and that elf stole my wife
So I burned Santa's ****** 'til dawn



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You've heard the story of Goldilocks
And the bears that chased her away
But now it's time to tell the truth
'Cause it didn't really happen that way

Goldilocks weighed four hundred pounds
She'd eat anything in sight
And It didn't matter what it was
She still had to have one bite

The whole town knew of her appetite
So they locked their food in storage
And that just left those poor little bears
Who was just trying to cool their porridge

Now she could smell food a mile away
For she had an amazing snout
But still she waited to make certain
Those bears had ventured out

She didn't just break one of those chairs
She actually broke all three
Remember, she weighed four hundred pounds,
And was as fat as she could be?

Well, she ate up all their porridge
And anything else she could find
Ofcourse that made her sleepy
With only one thing on her mind

She wandered into the bedroom
And broke each one of their beds
So she curled up on the floor to sleep
With three pillows under her head

While she slept, those bears came home
And they were as hungry as could be
Did I mention she broke the remote control
To the bear's big screen tv?

Anyway, the bears had finally had it
That's all that they could take
In their rage they didn't notice
That goldilocks was now awake

So they trapped her in the corner
And were poised for the attack
But goldilocks was still hungry
And was looking for a snack

Needless to say she ate those bears
I know this story seems crude
But I'm just trying to warn you
To make sure you hide your food



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I'm writing this poem with invisible ink
And it's gonna disappear
You better read it as fast as you can
For soon it won't be here

You better have a photographic memory
To remember what it said
For before you know it, it's gonna be gone
And you won't know what you've read

Now the first two stanzas are fading fast
You better hurry and read it quick
Every minute counts with invisible ink
You can hear the seconds tick

I trying to warn you to read a little faster
And I hope everyone will listen
'Cause if you don't you're gonna find out
That part of this poem is missin'

Well, I'm finally finished, this poem is over
And I hope you made to the end
It didn't disappear like I said it would
But wasn't it fun to pretend?


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Well, when I started getting older
I decided to set out on a quest
I was gonna find that Fountain of Youth
Or, at least, I'd try my best

I stumbled across this forgotten village
Where only young people live
That's when I knew I'd found it
I was almost positive

I saw this beautiful stone fountain
Standing in the middle of the square
My journey was finally over
As I slowly walked over there

They had a tarnished silver dipper
That was hanging on a nail
Beside it was a old wooden bucket
And then, a golden pail

As I was reaching for the dipper
This little boy appeared
He said, "Careful you choose correctly"
And he suddenly disappeared

Now, I didn't know which one to choose
The wooden bucket or pail of gold
So I decided to drink a little of both
At least, I wouldn't grow old

And then a couple of hours later
I noticed, I wasn't looking too young
Then that little boy came back and said,
"Do you know what you have done?"

I answered, "Yes I do" before I thought
Though I really wanted to lie
I just couldn't make mysef do it
No matter how hard I'd try

"You have cheated," the little boy said
"Now you'll never find your youth
For by tasting both you've deceived yourself
And it became the Fountain of Truth?

So, needless to say, I really messed up
And I'm cursed for the rest of my life
Cause it doesn't matter how hard I try
I can never tell a lie to my wife

They'll be no more late night poker games
Or a night on the town with the guys
I've changed my name to honest Abe
For I can't tell no more lies

Now, the reason I wrote this story
Is, well, I really can't tell you why
I was gonna make a reason up
But, remember? I just can't tell a lie



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I wonder if Poe could have known
That his pain would bring him fame?
His words would become his legacy
So the world would know his name

Then there's "Romeo and Juliet"
A Shakespeare contribution
This was written centuries ago
But it's still in distribution

And what about this man named Frost
Known for "A Road Not Taken"
Did he know the fire he'd light inside?
Or the hunger that he'd awaken?

Then there's a man named Whitman
Known for "Song of Myself"
Did he know that these words he quietly penned,
Would be a treasure on someone's shelf?

And Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Said, "Let Me Count the Ways"
Did she understand these magical words,
Would bring her so much praise?

I'm sure they'd love to see this day
For it would bring them much delight
They are the heart of our inspiration
And the reason why we write


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