Paint me a picture and make it smile
Help me see through my pain
No more words from broken hearts
Or tears that fall like rain

Paint me a picture of a moonlit lake
Or love birds singing their song
No more cheating or lying words
Or doing somebody wrong

Paint me a picture of love's first kiss
Or two people holding hands
No more stories of broken promises
Or senseless one night stands

Paint me a picture of happy endings
Or of death until they part
No more stories of dying young
That tears my heart apart

Paint me a picture as poet's do
Like only you can tell
Paint me a picture to let me know
That in your heart, all is well


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'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hills
The kinfolk were drinkin' as they tend to their stills

The longjohns were hung by the chimney with care
No stockings were found, just underwear

The children were nestled so high in their bunks
Their quilts made of skins from rabbits and skunks

Granny with her false teeth and gun on her knee
Was waiting for Santa as she sat by the tree

From out of the barn there arose such a noise
We thought it was Grandpa drinkin' with the boys

But what to my wandering eye should appear
It was just cousin Cleatus in mama's brassiere

And then from the rooftop we heard it at last
Like the sound of thunder or a shot gun blast

We have Christmas dinner, it's finally here
Granny kidnapped Santa while we shot his deer

Venison all covered with onions for stew
And even old Santa enjoyed some too

His belly was full when he walked out the door
But he couldn't resist when we offered him more

Well that's the story of our Christmas here
Merry Christmas to all 'til the same time next year


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I've never seen the rain so clear
As I do when it floods her eyes
I feel the pain she's going thru
Each time my little girl cries

How do I tell her that she's dying,
That her hero can't save the day?
Some kind of hero I turned out to be
I can't even say "It's okay"

Death is something she don't understand
I don't think anybody really does
She keeps asking me, "Will it be over soon?",
And, "I want it to be like it was"

What do I tell her when she asks me this?
I just hold her hand and smile
I say, "Don't worry sunshine, I know it hurts,
It will all be over in a while"

There's nothing worse than losing a child
It will tear your world apart
She says, "Thank you daddy, for being the hero,
That I carry inside of my heart"

As she utters those final words of love
She quietly closes her eyes
I gently kiss her on top of her head
As a piece of her hero dies

Have you ever had one of those days,
When nothing goes your way?
And the night is long with noises
Please don't tell my wife what I'm about to say

You see my wife snores
More than anyone I know
She even shakes the bed
Like a herd of buffalo

Sometimes even the neighbors
Will call and complain
They say it's just too much
And it's driving them insane

I've tried everything I know
But all I do is fail
She even registers a 4.0
On the earthquake richter scale

One night I even tried duct tape
And wondered what would happen
She just laid there and kept on snoring
'Til the duct tape started flappin'

But in my wedding vows
I said for better or worse
So I guess I'm gonna love her
And live this wedding vow curse


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If I could be a cartoon character
Which one would I be
I thought about being Fred Flinstone
But he's too old-fashioned for me

And then there's maybe George Jetson
A man who knew electronics
Nothing like Yosemite Sam
Who needed to be hooked on phonics

And what about Shaggy and ******
You gotta love those ****** snacks
I've never really considered a Smurf
And their tiny little mushroom shacks

Or maybe I'd become a super hero
Who comes to save the day
Batman , Green Hornet or Underdog
Who puts the bad guys away

Maybe I'd live in Jellystone Park
Where Yogi is still the king
For "Hello Mr Ranger Sir"
Is just the funniest thing



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If you ever get to Heaven,
Would you ever wanna leave?
It takes a lifetime to get there
And the greatest we'll achieve

After you see those streets of gold,
Could you really just walk away,
And turn your back on Paradise,
Like it's any other day?

Could you leave behind your loved ones,
Who rejoiced when you arrived,
And tell them you must leave the place,
That's more beautiful than described?

Could you touch the walls of jasper,
Or sail the crystal sea,
And then walk thru those gates of pearl,
And leave eternity?

And after you've been to Paradise
A place where life don't end
Could you leave this place you call your home,
To die for a stranger's sin?

Could you ever tell the Father,
To keep the things He's hid,
And one day soon you'll come back home,
Just like Jesus did?


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I bet you didn't know that the 7 dwarfs
Used to work for Santa Claus
Yep, they all got fired from the north pole
Cause they kept breaking too many laws

See, Doc was the north pole physician
He tended to those who were afflicted
But he was writing too many prescriptions
And three hundred elves got addicted

Then we have the dwarf called Sneezy
Sneezy became a problem too
Everywhere he goes he's blowing his nose
And they all came down with the flu

Next we have the dwarf named Sleepy
Now this one should speak for itself
He was always found somewhere laying down
Curled up in a corner on a shelf

Then there's the dwarf called Bashful
This one was just way too shy
And when they finally gave him his pink slip
He was too embarrassed to say goodbye

That brings us to the dwarf named Happy
Now he was just a bundle of joy
But they just couldn't get him to do any work
Cause he was always playing with a toy

And of course we can't forget about *****
This one always did what they said
But he was a little slow, if you know what I mean
And they think he was dropped on his head

And last but not least we have Grumpy
He would stay out drinking all night
Now he was the the north pole's problem child
Cause he was always starting a fight

Well that's the end of my story
And I really hope you're not annoyed
Did I tell you Snow White fired them too?
Yep, all seven dwarfs are unemployed



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