I lose
pounds,
patience,
time,
energy,
love,
hope,
dreams,
all because you think that's the best way
to love me

i wasnt your first choice
hell i probably wasnt even your last
i never will be
even though your the one
who chose to have me
even if im not the boy you wanted
or the smart you thought i could be
you gave birth to me
i will always be your baby

I've decided you and i
we were like stained glass
we shattered
we broke
and when I tried to fix us I suffered the cut
never putting us back together properly
and so when I finally gave up
and you finally started trying
I knew we were to far gone to ever fix

you made me miserable
more than you ever made me happy
but I still think you were worth it
I still think we could have been forever
if only I had been stronger
and one day I may be
but that won't be today
I won't be tomorrow
but one day I will find my happy

no matter how much I miss you
I won't ever show it
because every time I miss you
I remind myself how much you don't
how much you never will

I feel like I'm always choking
on tears,
on lies,
on words, I can't say
like its all stuck in my throat
pulling me down,
weighing me down,
breaking me down
until I'm nothing
but the gurgling sound
of my seasonal depression

overwhelmed by pain
by fear
by exhaustion
trying not to dig my nails
into my skin
because the pain feels better
makes me feel real
makes me feel alive
burning away my overwhelming thoughts
with the lighter on my thighs
on my arms
on my chest
makes me feel like I'm okay again
like I can lose the pain
that keeps overwhelming me