its funny you ask me to thaw my heart
but your the one who makes every argument physical
its not my fault we have no connection
not my fault the only place we get along is in public
when we are draped in elegant clothes
and broken memories
that keep us smiling in the crowds

i wait on the bay
watching as he makes introductions
but hes forever skipping me
forever walking by
i have to fight my urge to meet you
walk up and shake hands with the deputy
but my hands are far to ******
from crimes against myself
knowing i shouldnt each time i commit another
but still my hands are covered
in a color so crimson
that it almost hurts but i still keep committing
and im sorry that i keep disappearing mr deputy

i dont give you power
in fact i am stealing it from you in this moment
taking back what is rightfully mine
taking back my body
my tears
taking myself out of the slaughter house
because you dont deserve that satisfaction
i wont give you those pieces of me
because ive learned
how to stand on my own
and i will never let your hand push me back down

the hardest thing i ever did
was take a shower
its easy to let them **** me
its easy to fade
its easy to slide into the back of my mind
like i was never there
like that wasnt me
but it was me
and i know its not my fault
but how can i not blame myself
when i was three years old
my mother said she needed me to do it
that i was the only money she had
and when i was six i watched her do so many drugs
that it stole her from me
and i wasnt sure how to live
because what do you do
after youve been ***** ten times a day
for three years straight
when thats all youve ever been good for
when your convinced thats all you will ever be good for
it took my father ten years
to finally learn the truth
learn why i was so scared to open up
why i locked the door when i showered
why i checked the lock four times
why i constantly peered out of the shower
and washed myself as quickly as possible
often not bothering to rinse the soap from my hair
because if you took to long
you where joined
or worse she would yell
tell me how much of a waste i am
my dad always wondered why i hated showering
and it was always because
the hardest thing i ever did
was take a shower

i walk into the morgue
to identify my best friends body
i reach to hold her hand
but they push me away from you
away from your memory
as tears threaten to make a flood
as a flash flood warning comes across my face

i walk out of the morgue
almost in a daze broken
feeling more hopeless as ever
reaching for my door handle

i walk into my house
but it doesnt feel right
its to empty
to quite
so i stop trying to hold back my sobs

i walk into my bathroom
i find a razor
digging it into my skin
pulling it across my arm
trying to copy your scars

i walk to the hospital
i dont want to die
but i cant bare to lose you
im trying to breath
trying to keep my head up
but it feels like im drowning
like waves of sorrow keep crashing
pushing back under

i walk to the emergency room
and the smell reminds me of the morgue

i walk out leaving you behind me
but i will always see you there
every single time that

i walk

i wish someone had thought
to tell me how easy it is to fall in love
how easy it is to kiss your lips
to ignore every other sound
and focus on you
i also wish someone had told me
how hard it can be
to get away from the in the brokeness
the pain or insults or even the lies
because it is so easy
to just take it
knowing that leaving
would give me a broken heart

hi
to everyone
who's ever suffered
at he hands of
a person they thought loved
them but in turn they were
only looking for another soul to
burn and hurt
im here with you
some day i promise you
we will
rise