I'm sorry I can't talk about death.
It brings about emotions better left inside --
it makes me doubt.

What if there's nothing for me on the Other Side?
What if it's just a big, gaping Nothing?
Various religions offer salvation and saving grace...
But what can I believe if there's no religion that provides a salvation I can grasp while
I
am
alive?

I apologize for not being able to speak of death with you, my love.
Especially not your death.

You are too strong to be abused,
too kind to be taken advantage of.

Look what the wind
Just blew in Again
Whistling through the cracks in my door
I should’ve known, you would show up
When the cuts were not hurtin’ no more

Welcome back baby
Sit on Down
Sit on Down
Have a cup of what I have found
Since your love ain’t been around

Baby, you’ve been gone
This time too long
I’ve run outta you

Last candlelight
Flickered and died
Shining on time without you
Tell me how long, how long
Can I go on?
When you’re just gonna do what you’re gonna do.

Welcome back baby
Sit on Down
Sit on Down
Have a Cup of what I have found.
Since your love ain’t been around
Baby, you’ve been gone this time too long
I’ve run outta of you.

I don’t need it.
It’s no good for me.
I can’t bleed it.
Veins gone empty
I’ll repeat it.
It’s no good for me.
It’s no good.
No good.
No good.

Baby, you’ve been gone this time too long
I’ve run outta of you.
Out of you.
Baby, you’ve been gone this time too long
I’ve run outta of you.
Hey.
I’ve run outta you.
I’ve run outta you.
I’ve run outta you.
I’ve run. out you.
Oh Oh.  I’ve run outta you.
Out of you.
I can’t take no more
I can’t break no more
Over You
Over You

Things I love about you:
your tan skin
the wrinkles next to your eyes when you smile
the green color of your eyes
the way you run
the way you walk
your ****** bag V-necks
every single line on your hands
your laugh
the way you dance
your love for St.Augustine, Florida
your addiction to Minecraft
your love of nature
your faith and trust in God
how easily you make me laugh
the way you stare when you think I don't notice
the way you scream at the spring fair
the way you relax when we ride the Ferris wheel
your obsession with lighting things on fire
the way you style your hair
how loving you are with kids
your need to spray paint EVERYTHING
the way you say my name
the way you hug me
your ability to do back flips
how fearless you are
the way you reach out to others
the way you stand up for your friends
the way you stand up for yourself
the brightness of your smile
the way you can instantly light up a room
the way you seem to draw people to you
your jokes
the way your lips purse when you become angry
how easy you are to forgive
how easily you accept others
the way you act with Buddy
the way you act with Chloe and Possum
the way you speak
how you're always there for me
how close you are to your mom
the way you always ask "Why?"
your love for architecture
your willingness to play dominoes over and over
your loving heart
how much you care for others
how unafraid you are to be yourself
your want to explore new houses
how intelligent you are
the way you never give up on me
the way you constantly persevere
how you don't know how attractive you are
the fact that you took all that time to read what
     I've just written
the way you think I don't know you love me.

"I want to see it."*
No.
It's ugly and it's a burdensome
and it shows weakness.
"Love, it's just a scar."
No.
It's unprepossessing and it's crooked
and it shows weakness.
"It doesn't. It shows strength."
...Yes.
It's healed and it's powerful
and it shows strength.

War is over now
I feel my mind returning
Carried on a cloud
Every nerve was burning over you
I never had a need at all for anyone
Anyone other than you
But now that's through
Sold fool...
We're prayin' to get it fast
And we pray it's in the past
Is anything we do, ever gonna last?
Couldn't I have a clue?
Searchin' the blue
Couldn't I have a clue?
Searchin' the blue
Searching the blue

In a relationship, there should never be a time where your partner says "But if you loved me, you'd __". Flat out.  A healthy relationship is about giving yourself to that person, self giving, when you feel ready. A selfish partner expects you to do certain things out of love for them. I'm not explicitly talking about ***, but it's in between the lines.

A selfish love is one that takes and takes but doesn't completely give back. You give yourself up to a selfish partner because you think it's going to satiate them, satisfy their needs. But it never does, does it? If you set boundaries and your partner doesn't accept them -- leave.

A self giving love is one that gives patiently and doesn't necessarily take. It's a love that constantly seeks permission where permission is needed. You communicate to express how you feel, openly and honestly. If you set boundaries and your partner tries their best to accept them because they love you as a person -- stay.

I dislike the number seven.
It will forever remind me of July.
And thinking of July just causes my mind to darken all over again.

I lost a large part of the love I had for you as I read those texts.
You said you would never hurt me like he did
-- over and over and over --
   but you lied.
You hurt me more than he ever did.

I TRUSTED YOU.
God ******, I trusted you.

Will I ever forgive (completely)?
Maybe.

Will I ever forget?
No.
Never.
Heartbreak is like a dark stain on a white tablecloth --
You can try to cover it up, but it's always there.

I'm still hurting.
It still makes me cry...
You broke my heart.
   and I am still relying on myself to mend it.

I wake to find
your hand
on my hip
and your name
on my heart.

I wish I would have met you when I was seventeen,
before I seen the things that I seen,
before I learned to look behind the screen.
I think we could have had a good time.

No one told me that at seventeen
I would risk everything for my freedom
I would have my heart shattered into pieces
I would learn to regret
I would learn to let go
I would find love in a stranger  
I would find my place  
...so what's waiting for me at eighteen?

I should have known better
To see what I could see
My black shroud
Holding down my feelings
A pillar for my enemies

I should have wrote a letter
And grieve what I happen to grieve
My black shroud
I never trust my feelings
I waited for the remedy

...

I’m light as a feather
I’m bright as the Oregon breeze
My black shroud
Frightened by my feelings
I only wanna be a relief

Sometimes I think of your smile
and the way it would slowly spread
across your tanned face.

Sometimes I think of your laugh
and the way it would caress my ears
in the loveliest of ways.

Sometimes I just think about you
and the way you were almost mine
on that sunny day last summer.

In a drug and alcohol induced haze,
You were finally able to cry.
But I'm left with a trailing question:
Why?
You never cry in front of me.
It's like an unspoken rule.
Are you scared of who you're becoming?
Are you scared of what you've become?
I am.
It's like I've lost you completely.
Yeah, things go back to normal when we're together,
   but who are you when I'm not looking?
I'm worried about you.
I'm worried that you're losing yourself to the black dog
   and that I won't be able to rescue you this time.
When I said you could come to me with anything,
   I meant it whole heartedly.
You are still my first love, the only boy I've ever waited for.
*I'm still here.

You, my first real love, will always hold a place in this heart.
Whether you choose to remain is completely up to you.

No.

Please do not act as if you're my best friend again.
It's been too long.

Don't text me saying "I miss you, let's hang out" if you aren't going to follow through with it.
Don't ask me how my relationship is going if you're just going to cut off the conversation with a perverted joke.
Don't pretend to be my best friend if you're just going to *leave me.

I've always said
"You're the only person who's never left me."

...But now I see that's not quite true.

You've left me over and over and over.

You haven't glanced back at me, the girl who never stopped loving your heart full of fear.

But I got over it.
I moved on.
I don't need you anymore, bud.

Don't say that you're in love with me
I can't handle that just yet
I know that you're tired  
You only say it in your exhaustion
But don't mean it
Please don't mean it
I'm cruel and I hurt and I sting
So don't say you're in love with me
Because when morning comes
You won't be

I think I need to find a bigger place
Cause when you have more than you think, you need more space

I weep
because your love
overwhelms me
and
I cannot contain
the feelings
that pour out of
my open heart.

Spacious galaxies  
Intense heat  
A flash of light in the dark corner of a distant world...
Dark matter
Glowing nebulae
Debris of time making something new and full of promise...

...Does it hurt when a new star is born?

They only know what you want them to. The rest stays hidden and locked away deep, like aging wine in a cellar. Sooner or later, the bottles will break and spill and the fumes will be too much for anyone to handle.

For weeks, I watched you. You looked like ****. Still do, but it's better now. Your eyes aren't as dark, your face isn't as red. Yeah, you still look like ****. And it's obvious you're pretending to be alright. Unfortunately, everyone can see it. You're transparent and you don't even know it. It's painful to watch... so I decided not to.

You see the stars clearer than I do...
Send me messages on their light

Anger --
Spit in my face
Rip up our photos
Burn all my love letters
You're just one step closer
Go ahead
End me

Stick and stones may break my bones,
but words cut through toughened skin.

You can't look me in the eye
You can't stand to hear my song
You can't be in the same room
I've won
Finally... *I've won

He walked into my workplace tonight --
clean shaven, dressed sharp, smile at the ready.
And then it hit me... or rather, didn't hit me.
That ton of bricks I call "love" didn't crash into me.
No surge of affection, none at all.
The smile I gave surely didn't reach my eyes.
I don't love him anymore.
Not like I used to.
We've grown apart and it took me so long to see that.
What's the expression?
"Blinded by love"?
Yes...
That was me, but not any longer.
I'm free of the web he had so tightly spun around my heart.
*I'm free.

I don't want to cause that kind of pain
or leave the people I love
waiting for answers that
they're never going to understand

I want summer --
no stares from kids I don't know,
no glares from kids I unfortunately do.

Summertime smells of you --
the crook of your neck
the space in between your thighs
the shampoo you rarely use
the flip side of your pillow
When does it end, this missing you?

I wake up every morning
wishing I could fall back asleep
and never greet the sun again

I've been split open
Sewn up and made new
But even the finest surgeon
Couldn't get rid of you

Pills and I don't get along.
Yes, there's a reason.
Yes, it's a good reason.
No, I won't swallow.

Take a knife to my heart
Rip through until it bleeds
Maybe then you'll understand
Maybe then you'll really see

You know I never loved you more
Than when we were running from those sirens

Take me to the mountains
where the air is crisp
and the water is clean.

She looked at us today and made a face...
My God, she knows.
Of course she can see right through me.
She doesn't miss much around here.

I only stared back and closed the shutters.

"I look into your eyes and I see me. I see the person I used to be. I see the emptiness, the hurt. I know that hurt better than anyone."

This isn't a poem. It's just a post of gratitude.

I want to thank all of my friends for being so supportive over the past two months. There have been high ups and low, low downs, but you've been there every step of the way. You've been building me up and reminding me that what I did was a good decision. Not only that, but you've also supported me in my new relationship. I've received constant "I can tell he makes you really happy" and "This is the happiest I've seen you in a long time and I know it's because of him". You will never know how appreciated those simple phrases are. They mean that you continue to love me, no matter who I am with or what decisions I choose to make for myself.
Thank you. Thank you. **Thank you.

The love I have for you is like a pre-tied noose,
just waiting to be tightened around my neck.
My foot hangs from the chair,
the voices in my head saying,
"Give up already".
Oh, I've tried...
I step back onto the chair, which holds the weight of this love.

Your smile slowly kills me.
Her arm around your body hits me like a battering ram.
The love(?) in your eyes makes me sick.
"It's so wrong".
The way I feel
    is
      wrong.
I shouldn't be loving you the way I do.
You shouldn't be my crutch.
You shouldn't be the thing that keeps me alive...
You may become the death of me.

Slowly but surely, we will heal.
We'll mourn for the piece of ourselves that we lost and swear we'll never love so much again...
but surely, we will heal.

It was like a marriage, really.
Lennon and McCartney.
Holmes and Watson.
I can't explain it any better than that.
All of our free time was spent with each other.
We shared so much -- fears, hopes, dreams, desires.
We were a unit and together, we moved.
A single beating heart.
But like all good things, it had to end.
The light of love was gone.
I didn't trust her.
I was no longer in love.
I was lonely in a relationship made of two.
Though not entirely my fault, I take the blame.
To save her any potential guilt, I will continue taking the blame.

Sometimes when I tell the story of you
I make you out to be the bad guy
And though it's true
Sometimes you're the bad guy
You're still mine

Sometimes when I paint the picture
It's easier just to remember
The awful things you said
And what you chose to do with legitimate need
You made like a fool
You made like a fool but you're still mine

Why does it hurt more to recall
Your good side, your good side
I always went to you for advice
You were a wise one, a wise one then
When I think about you in that time
It's harder to hate you then