Every time I look at you, I don't understand
Why you let the things you did get so out of hand
You would've managed better if you had it planned

snap*
the click of the camera shutter couldn't hide the little child behind your eyes
snap
even the deepest secrets were laid out for me to see and dissect and analyze
snap
can you at least TRY to make a different ****** expression?
snap
you only wanted to be loved, even if it was by a misfit
snap
pathetic
snap
who's your friend now, huh?
snap
who's going to boost your nonexistent confidence now?
snap
**it isn't me

We,
the new generation,
are one of
youth,
power,
strength.
We
will strive,
will survive,
will fight.
We
are collectively
unafraid,
determined,
headstrong.
You
wave your flag
and sit in your chair
while
We
are part
of the change.
We
are
the
*change.

I don't understand it.
I am not a anxious person.
But lately, I've been catching myself on the edge of a break down --
not necessarily a destructive breakdown,
more like a breakdown of happiness.
Thinking about how much I love her...
It's almost pathetic.
Wanting her in my arms holds a physical ache.
Thoughts of her have formed an almost meditative mantra.
Her presence calms my mind like the shoreline does the sea.
Revelation.*
She's become my anchor.

I spend my days loving him
and my nights apologizing to her

The surgeon asked if I could feel my toes
And for the first time...
*I was afraid to die

Dear Amy,

Look at me.
Please.
Just one acknowledgment will help.
I hate having you angry at me.
Our petty fights have never lasted past a day...
but I realize that this isn't one of those fights.

...I'm not sorry, not one bit.
I don't regret this at all.
But here's what you need to understand:  
I can't help it.
I can't change my heart and my feelings and who those feelings are directed towards.
I don't see her body, I see the person she is.
Yes, I realize she's one of your closest friends.
Yes, I realize it was wrong not to tell you immediately.
Yes, I realize that this changes the way you see me...

But I am still me.

My heart is just more open now.
I'm so happy, Amy.
Really happy.
Don't you see that?
You were the one who said I was acting differently...
Apparently, you knew why.
Why didn't you come and talk to me, just ask me yourself?
I'm not turning this on you, promise.
Just wondering why you didn't want to talk about your suspicions.

I was going to tell you, just didn't know how to yet.
Sorry you had to find out from two people I don't even consider friends anymore.
(And if both of you see this, I hope you feel like ****.)
Now that I know how to tell you, you won't speak to me.
Maybe I'll just print this out or send you the link...

Until you start speaking to me (and Rachel) again:

I love you.

All my love,
*Leigh

Let's get lost
in music
in our words
in each other
I don't want to know
where I end
and where you begin
Let's lose ourselves
in eyes of love
and passion
Don't think
Just stay here
by my side
I promise
that you won't
know what
hit you

Look into the mirror with me.

You see that girl?

No, not me, luv.
Look at yourself, for once?

Yes, that girl.

I love that girl.

I love everything about her.

Her body.
Her mind.
Her soul -- a touch of youth, but old at heart.

The way she talks.
The way she walks.
The way she breathes -- deeply at first, but softly as she sleeps on.

The way she writes.
The way she draws.
The way she creates -- with passion, but with a calmness unlike her.

But most of all,
I love the way she loves me.

I love the way she holds my hand.
I love the way she kisses my lips.
I love the way she loves -- cautiously as if I'll break, but then unbridled when she sees that I won't.

She holds my heart in her outstretched hands...
And I won't try to take it back.

yesterday I visited the sea.
where I should have found calm,
I found panic in my mind.
thoughts began to spin...

What if I just walked in?

What if I just ran in?

What if I never came back from the sea?

Would anyone even miss me?

my God, the thoughts could have pulled me under the waves themselves.

I sink again.

All at once, the thoughts come running back.
No, not just running...
Sprinting.
Their feet hit the track like a gavel hits the sound block.
Obstacles don't mean a thing -- puddles, hurdles, cracks in the tartan --
They don't stand a chance.
There's no stopping them.
They aren't sprinting a hundred meter.
They aren't sprinting a four hundred meter.
They are sprinting a ******* mile race.
Round and round they go, never stopping, not even bothering to pace.

Explaining my life as a soldier can be summed up simply:
Covered in lice, starving for nourishment, and paralyzed by fear.
I have seen the dark side of this war from my position.
Life in the trenches...
It's a cycle.
A spell in the front line
A stint in the support lines
A period in reserve
It is a living hell.
Death is imminent --  
Death by enemy shelling.
Death by ******.
Or death by disease.
It hangs over our heads like clouds over the sun.
It is everywhere.
In the smell of rotting flesh, overflowing latrines.
The stench of humanity.
And the smell of battle
We know it's coming.
The question is...
When?
When will I feel my own blood on my hands?
When will I see the face of God?
When will I feel no pain?

There is one that sounds good
and one that holds true

For so long, I wasn't angry... But now?
Now I understand that what we had was unhealthy.
Instead of making me better, you were making me ill.
It was an disease, a cancer that I couldn't rid myself of.
You were a tumor of the heart.
No amount of chemotherapy could diminish your size.
So I'm left with this aching pain in the center of my chest.
Extract it, burn it, **** it please.
**I just want you gone.

Love sought is good, but given unsought better.

If meeting you was lucky,
I am the unluckiest person in the world.

You still make me lose my breath
but for all the wrong reasons

I'm sinking
further
and
further
into this bottomless hole
Sometimes I think I'm going mad
out of my mind
or maybe I'm just afraid
Afraid of what I'm becoming
or afraid of what I am

I'm tired of staying awake for nothing I'm tired of spending nights counting ******* sheep I'm tired of being tired I'm tired of living lies I'm tired of hiding how I feel I'm tired I'm tired I'm dead

You keep saying that you want me to be happy,
but I don't think you do.
Not at all.
So understand this --
I don't care if you don't want me to be happy,
because, ******, I'll do it anyway.
I will smile at "our" friends
and laugh at the ridiculous things they say.
I will find happiness in myself.

I am prone to failure, a disappointment in the making

You want to be found but you're better left lost

I hate my life
God, hold onto me

I show all the signs
Why the hell didn't I see?

Can all my ****-ups be avenged?

What I offered was never enough, so I stopped giving.

Everything is quiet in the eye of the storm

You sit in your desks and joke and laugh
But **** isn't a joke
It's real and it's sick and it's twisted
So continue to laugh
Continue to find joy in your ignorance
I'll wait

"I fled before I was burned again."

Stop watching
Stop listening
I don't want you to see

Whatever the reason, you do it for me.

"Familiarity breeds contempt."

Forget me
I couldn't hate you anymore than I already do
You ******* up that relationship
Don't **** over this one because you're stuck on impressions

I never thought I'd become the victim of a victim.

It would be so easy to drive this car into a tree

Put the pieces together - tell me, what remains here?

Was it nothing more than noise inside my head?

A sick joke?
You think I'm ******* joking?
No. I'm not going to let you do this to me.
It was real and you ******* know it.
You remember.
I know you do.
Don't you dare play the ******* victim *again.

I don't know peace
There are too many things left unsaid

You took half of me and I of you
but we'll find each other again somehow

Loving you is easy

I thought that returning to its place of origin would help, but instead I sit and whisper to myself, willing the memories to disappear

If you were dead, I wouldn't even blink.
Does that make me cruel?

How do you commit suicide without hurting the ones around you?

We saved each other
I owe you my life
Every heartbeat I'm rewarded with