What a relief
To be away from the memories
Of these hallways
These bathrooms
These shadowed corners
That remind me of you

Are there any words to say that will ever mean enough?
When the light runs from the day, will the darkness be too much?
Will I ever be enough?

"Leigh... I'm not her."
Yes, I know but a hand is a hand and it frightens me nonetheless.
"I'm not going to push myself on you."
Yes, I know but she said that and I don't believe words anymore.
"I wouldn't do that."
Yes, I know but you don't, not really, and I can't explain it.
"I never will, Leigh, please know that."
Yes, I know but she said that, too, and she went back on it.
"I'm sorry."*
Yes, I know.

I've kept to myself
Never showing too much
But you've picked at the scabs
Pried into my head
And now you're trapped

How will you get out?

Two years ago today, I held death on the back of my tongue.
Two years later, I hold you in the safe haven of my arms.

I'm sinking
further
and
further
into this bottomless hole
Sometimes I think I'm going mad
out of my mind
or maybe I'm just afraid
Afraid of what I'm becoming
or afraid of what I am

When she was my Sun,
you were my Northern Star.
You stayed in the background,
but you were there --
Listening, advising, but never pushing.
You saw, didn't you?
You saw that I, Moon, would come crashing down.
You watched as she scorched and burned.  
You, my Star, waited until the Moon came to you.

I don't want your **** happiness
I want your demise and your pain and your worthlessness

My eyes burn with tears unshed.

It took you too long to realize that I was just another pretty play thing

Please don't put me through this
Please don't look at me like you know

Take a knife to my heart
Rip through until it bleeds
Maybe then you'll understand
Maybe then you'll really see

The back of my eyelids lack a sun
and I plunge into unbearable
darkness once more.

I'm tired of sidestepping you.
Next time, I'll just throw my shoulder into it.

I check over my shoulder when I feel your blatant stare
I listen for your footfalls in an empty hallway
I tune out your shrill laughter at lunch
I check for the lack of your feet in bathroom stalls  
I grow silent at the mention of ****
I cringe when your friends send me glances of pity  
I wish no one else had your name
***** you

I can feel you watching me as I walk past and
I am left feeling self conscious, confused, and unsure

Friends who know me often worry, they ask if I'm alright.
It takes several attempts to assure them that
I AM FINE
...promise.

I am not thinking of death -- no, not death.
Not anymore.
Mostly, I just wonder...

Please try and understand...
**When I retreat into myself, do not feel obligated to pull me out.

You taste like the sea, the one I've spent years looking out over and wishing it would swallow me whole.

I could be your worst nightmare if I felt so inclined... but I'm not.
I spent far too much time screaming at you to want to do it right now.
I got tired of dealing with you.
So I'm not.

With you, I am flourishing.

I'm through accepting limits, 'cos someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.

Stay a little longer --
10:30, 11...
No, I'm not tired --
11:30, 12...
Officially, then --
12:30, 1...
I guess we should sleep --
Zzz...

This is a terrible idea.
I know.
We shouldn't.
Probably not.
You'll regret this.
*Never.

Sometimes when I tell the story of you
I make you out to be the bad guy
And though it's true
Sometimes you're the bad guy
You're still mine

Sometimes when I paint the picture
It's easier just to remember
The awful things you said
And what you chose to do with legitimate need
You made like a fool
You made like a fool but you're still mine

Why does it hurt more to recall
Your good side, your good side
I always went to you for advice
You were a wise one, a wise one then
When I think about you in that time
It's harder to hate you then

I wake to find
your hand
on my hip
and your name
on my heart.

Long ago, everything you touched turned to gold.
But now the shine is gone, tarnished with sins, lies, and hypocrisy.
Nothing can change that now.
Nothing can change you now.

Please don't hide your heart like you hide your arms.

happiness

The best way to keep memories at bay is to avoid... Right?

They only know what you want them to. The rest stays hidden and locked away deep, like aging wine in a cellar. Sooner or later, the bottles will break and spill and the fumes will be too much for anyone to handle.

Smile again, beautiful boy.
Let them all see.

How do you see me now, now that I'm a little bit older?

Every time I feel the flames licking at my heels,
you swoop down and save me from being engulfed.
I never have to tell you, you just... do.
How do you do it?
How do you know?

I had my fears
You let them out
Now I wrap myself around you
like a blanket full of doubt

I want to scream and run and sleep and never wake up

You hold pain in the center of your being and unsurprisingly, begin to shatter.

My god, I feel so free.

Forget about "fixing" us
and that
"one last kiss" --
you got it from someone else.

Thank you for today
And tomorrow
And the day after that
And the day after that
And the day after that...

Switch the blade like I switched my heart;
Cool and clean and parallel.

But I do.
I feel the same way and God ******, I want to tell you.
But how would you feel about that?
Would you think that I'm saying it just to soothe your fears and vulnerability?
Would you think that I'm being sympathetic and saying it out of guilt?
I'm not.
I promise.
I love you.

You struck me down with love like a lightening bolt

I'm so ******* sick of worrying abut you and thinking about what you're doing get out get out *get out

I'm already dead, no need for resuscitation.